Story Feedback: Hotel Amelia

[SeleneW]

This piece focuses on the playful flirtation that can happen between two women. it does not focus on sex. It's one Lit-page long.

I'm working on another story and would like more feedback regarding this story's structure and grammatical errors I may have made. What may I have done better? (Any feedback about including the sex scene will not be acceptable, as I feel the scene would take away from the exploration of flirting)

Please give it a read, a rating and feedback! Thanks!

https://www.literotica.com/s/hotel-amelia

 

[DreamCloud]

The dialog was enjoyable, and you have talent. There was hardly a story, but you kept me engaged. You will be amazing with a full plot.

The first part seemed out of sync with the rest of the story. There didn't seem to be a point to introducing us to the elevator or the key card lock. It is a minor complaint, and I soon forgot it once she was in the bar.

 

[hadruprider]

I like it. I like the jokes at the start ("getting off", "please don't stop"). There aren't enough jokes in most of the stories here.

In terms of structure, one problem is that it switches from 1st person to 3rd at the first hrule, then back again repeatedly. Clearly you've done that deliberately but I don't think it works.

Another thing that grates is what looks like gratuitous Starbucks product placement! What's that doing there? It has no relevance to the story! Are they paying you?

Grammar-wise, there are quite a few sentences that don't have verbs in, which strictly speaking are grammatical errors, but I think that's OK.

"gracefully and faster than I could see her do. " does not quite make sense.

"art instillations" should be installations. Just after that there is a " missing.

There's also a glitch in "directional sense, but even those".

The lack of explicit sex is not a problem at all (even for a male reader!) as there is a strong eroticism all the way through.

 

[ElectricBlue]

You have a nice flowing style, well paced and easy to read. I wasn't bothered by the detail of the elevator, the key and the shower head - little observational notes like those add veracity to a story. I do that kind of thing all the time. One reader said they would never notice the things I mentioned - I suspect that reflects more on them than me. If you want to mention this kind of detail, do so. If folk don't like it, they can write their own story.... And maybe the other commenter didn't pick up on the erotic potential of a detachable shower head!

The various grammar odds and ends also didn't bother me, but I was less certain of the shift between first and third person narration. It might have been smoother if you had used an omniscient narrator - you could have still kept the changing focus on the two women and some of the commentary. I used this technique in my most recent story "The Floating World" which also shares your slow burn style - and also, coincidentally, ends up in a hotel room (via coffee shops rather than bars). Readers have liked it.

Keep writing. Your gentler voice will be liked by many.

 

[lovecraft68]

I really liked this! My only real issue was the POV switch. I would fix that and pick one. Personally I think because you have this bit of sexual cat and mouse going that third would work better than first because third allows you to head hop and you could get thoughts and feelings from both characters. First person limits that.

The other thing I would say is this is bot quite a story to me, more like an opening scene of what could be an impressive full out story if you added to it.

Your flow was great, I liked some of the tongue in cheek innuendos and all in all this was really a fun and flirty piece. The characters flirted and it flirted with me the reader.

Nice change of pace from the usual fare here and that in itself is a huge accomplishment.

 

[legerdemer]

Quite nicely crafted vignette, sweet and erotic rather than explicit, which is just fine - especially for its intended audience (I gather - I'm not a Lesbian Sex reader generally). I also liked the gentle humor, the banter - a great start on writing. Below are some specific issues, some quibbles.

I did read everyone else's comments before reading the story, so I was somewhat primed, so to speak.

A few of my own:

1) Regarding the relevance of the elevators: I can see DreamCloud's point, but when I was reading it, I got the feeling that the elevator ride was slower than she'd like, which then contrasted to the "quickest damn elevator ride ever" that Amelia and Cass take together in the story. Perhaps if you make the exact parallel comment in the beginning - "slowest damn elevator ride ever..." it will bring people back and make the elevators relevant more than just as an intro; otherwise, yes - some of the details could have been trimmed.

2) I thought the removable shower head functions as a sly foreshadowing of things to, uh, come.

3) The POV switch-backs were indeed confusing. In fact, in the following exchange they actually get you in trouble:

Amelia sat up a little straighter. "Sure. Why not?"

Picking up her next shot, a devilish grin spread across Cass' face, "Would you bet your Wet Pussy on that?"

"Yes," she replied, tapping her shot glass against Cass'.


I had to go back and figure out whether the bolded 'she' referred to Amelia or Cass - it's Amelia, of course, but you had just switched to Cass, then when the 'she' came I assumed Cass was talking - but to herself?? No, rewind, it's Amelia. I hope you see what I mean.


One more:

First bit: "She (Amelia here) bit her lip and let it pop out. "You're not the only one who can play dirty, Cass."

The alcohol had turned my shy friend into a sly little vixen. I took her by the hands. "Come on. There's a work of art upstairs that I would rather see than linger down here." This last is Cass's POV, but I think you should specify it - because of the way the text goes, at first I thought it may be Amelia, continuing. Except of course Amelia had not yet been upstairs in the hotel.




4) There are a few places where you switch into passive voice that slow down the flow - they are ok, but could be better. For example:

"There's a work of art upstairs that I would rather see than linger down here."

I would turn that into: "I'd rather see a work of art upstairs than linger down here." I think it's punchier. YMMV

Although you might have done it this way for the exchange later on, in this specific case.


5) Slightly better editing, e.g.: "We made our [way] down the hall and..."
I acknowledge I am a grammar nazi, though I've stopped commenting on that unless the story is just littered with mistakes. Yours has only a few. Occasionally, like here, they cause a noticeable bump in the reading, derailing me from the story into grammarland.


Best wishes with your writing - very nice.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Overall I thought it was pretty good. I'm all for more dialogue in erotica. A couple of nitpicks:

The switch between first and third person didn't work for me. I wasn't sure what you were looking to achieve with it; POV switches can be a useful way to present multiple perspectives, but there wasn't much of that happening here, so it just got distracting.

Amelia turned her head to look at her lovers questioning eyes.

should be "lover's".

Some issues with punctuating speech:

"Work, kids, laundry," she smirked, "world domination in my spare moments. You?"

You're using "smirked" as a speech tag, which it ain't. Smirking is a facial expression, not a method of speaking; You can speak words, whisper words, mumble words, even type words, but you can't smirk words.

This would be fine as either of the following:

"Work, kids, laundry," she said, "world domination in my spare moments. You?"
"Work, kids, laundry." She smirked. "World domination in my spare moments. You?"

Same issue with other dialogue e.g.

"Well," he paused, looking between the two girls, "I'm a leg man myself."