Story Feedback!!! [Gay/bi male college story]

[renthead29]

Hey all, I'm starting a series of college oriented stories, and the first "Episode" was just published

http://www.literotica.com/s/dorm-showers-ep-01

Check it out! Let me know what you think plllleaaasee!?

 

[sr71plt]

The writing is pretty good. Not much of a story (yet), though. Sort of a shallow tease. Nothing much done with characterization yet beyond measurements. Sort of muddled on who is taking the initiative. The "other" guy starts, but it's the protagonist who initiates the kissing. I didn't vote because it's no more than the beginning of something (maybe). Mostly surface; I don't really know or care about either one of them and it's all rather one dimensional. Very little tension (so far).

 

[renthead29]

Yup, you're right. The reason I've started the story like this (and it is only the start) is because if i start at a neutral location where i have to build to the action, i always get stuck in the transition. So i started at the action, and I'll probably move back into characterization once i get this action filled out and hook people who are just looking to jack off to a quick story.

 

[sr71plt]

I start with action too, most of the time. But I try to provide a story--and, usually, some hot sex. This isn't a complete episode, let alone story, though, and the sex (so far) is pretty much missing. It's just a preliminary tease. It's presented as an episode, and it's really just shallow foreplay of an episode--surely your sexual episode doesn't end where this one does. That's what my comments are concentrating on. (That's what the one comment I saw on the story concentrated on too--sort of "where is the rest of it?") That and the inconsistency of who is initiating this encounter. It's not believable that the protagonist has to be lured and then, without anything causing it to happen, is the one who initiates the beginning of anything overtly sexual.

(Are you really not gay or bi, I wonder. If not, maybe you don't really know what a "episode" would be to a gay/bi man? An episode would either end in an orgasm, once it got started, or would conclude in some serious shit over why it didn't.). That's the feedback I have for you--you requested it. I don't see any gay/bi emotion/experience inside the base of this. It's flat/shallow/incomplete/surface. I didn't move my hand anywhere close to my lap. I don't feel compelled to go looking to read any more of it, I'm afraid.

You are a good writer, though.