Story feedback/ editing request

[Thumbell]

Hi, I am new to writing fiction and contacted an editor for feedback. I think I may have offended him as he hasnt got back to me. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. If you find the story boring or hollow, that I cannot do anything about. As for the level of description I am not sure if I have over or under described things. The story is a bit kinky I suppose as it has a lesbian bdsm theme so don't read if you are easily offended by this sort of content and also by a lack of any skill as like I said I have never done this before- we've all got to start somewhere!

Thanks.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

You need to post your story here before we can give you any feedback.

 

[Thumbell]

he he

It would help wouldn't it?

Sorry, here's my story:

Nail Art
It was Friday and I left work on time for once. It was the first sunny day we'd had all year and I was damned if I was going to spend another minute in that oppressive office. As soon as I stepped out the door I heaved a deep sigh, *it felt as if the blood were rushing away from my brain and back round my curvy body once again. Being a Leo the sun always brings out the hunter in me and I stood on the top of the marble steps and looked down at the city streeet. My eyes were quickly drawn to a couple of builders on some scaffolding oposite, having downed tools for the day and lounging around soaking up the evening sun. A gentle breeze swept by and caught the front of my dress, teasing it open, exposing the creamy delicate skin of my inner thigh to its first taste of summer. The builders whistled and I made a coy attmpt at covering my legs and gave the builders a wry smile that said 'come here if you dare little boys'. They cheered and I walked past, I could feel their eyes on my hips as I took slow rhythmical steps as I turned down the alley towards the train station. I heard heavy boots rushing behind me and quickly ducked inside a nail bar. 'Just a minute' called a high pitched voice from the back somewhere. I turned round to look out of the big glass front of the shop and could see no one. I suddenly felt really silly and my cheeks began to blush. 'You ok?' asked the girl and I spun around. What I saw did not help cool me down. Standing in front of the beaded curtain was a cute young vietnamese woman tying up her hair into a messy ponytail. I opened my mouth to answer but just ended up staring. She couldn't have been more than 5 ft tall, slender build, wearing low skinny jeans and tight white vest and no bra.
'Um, yeah fine thanks, can I get my nails done please?'.
'Sure. Sit down. You want some tea?
'Yes please'
I thumbed through some magazines and tried to get a hold of myself. The air was hot and stuffy and I could feel my thighs sticking to plastic seat.She came back in carrying the tea and we sat either side of the trolley. I put my hands out and she began filing. I looked over at her heavily kholled eyes blinking rapidly with all the dust particles and the strands of fine long hair that had worked their way out of her hair tie. He breathing was quick and shallow, her rough little hands hrapling with mine. She pulled the mask down from her moth and breathed out heavily. What's wrong? I asked? 'Hey fever' she replied and reached for a tissue. Her little finger brushed against the inside of my wrist and I shivered. 'you make me nervous' she said 'how so?' I replied laughing ''the way you look at me'. I apologised but slipped off my peep toes and touched my foot against hers, they were bare and warm and soft and small. She didn’t pull away but started filing faster. I dug my nails into her palms. She looked up at me, her chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. Her tiny nipples stuck out of her vest like they were begging me to do the same to them.
‘Crawl under the table to me’ I said in my most authoritative voice. She slowly got to her knees and did as I said. I leant back on my chair and she appeared between my legs, her mask still on. I pulled it up and left it holding her hair back out of her face. Her eyes sparkled as she looked up as me, pouting. I locked my eyes on hers as she ran the back of her hands slowly up my legs. She circled around my pants with her fingers and then started to kiss my cunt. I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan...and bit me!
I pulled her up by her hair and put her across my knee and tugged at her jeans until they were over her narrow hips and round her legs. I scratched from the back of her knees right up over her pale honey coloured bottom and she shoved her face with her hands and screamed. ‘that was naughty’ ‘you were such a good girl, why did you bit me like that’ ‘I’m sorry’ she said playfully. I had drawn a small amount of blood in some places and her bottom was flushed. I cupped my hand slightly and brought down a firm but relatively gently spank in the middle of her ass. She wriggled with pleasure on my lap so did it again and again and again, she kept quiet. I spanked harder with every stroke until shet started to yelp. One more for good measure and I stopped.
I reached for a soft powder brush from the manicure table and ever so gently stroked her bottom around in circles all the way up her spine and bacl down again. As I moved it over her inner thighs the bristles became wet and sticky. I ushered her up and kissed her softly on the lips and she pushed her tongue into my mouth greatfully rammed her breasts up against mine bringing her knee between my legs. ‘Do you want to finish what you started’ I asked her. She fell to her knees and pulled down my pants ‘do it properly this time.' 'No biting or you’ll be in trouble'. She licked and sucked and thrust her tongue into me. I held on to the back of her head and steadied myself against the wall and closed my eyes. I felt my knees going and my hands went numb, my stomach muscles tightened and I started to cum: HARD. I pulled her head right in. 'Don’t move' I said.
I pulled up my pants and took out my wallet and paid the £20 for the manicure. The rest, she said was ‘on the house’.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks, thumbell, Iwill come tomorrow with a comment. Thanks.

 

[sr71plt]

An OK little vignette. I wasn’t totally convinced at the preparation for the sex scene between the narrator and the Vietnamese girl. But this wasn't too badly done; I just think it could be better doen. The narrator was being narcissistic at the beginning, which is OK if you want her to come across as shallow and self-possessed. If we’re expected to like her, I don’t. If not, good enough job. I didn’t feel invested in any of the characters. No interesting end. It just stops—which reveals it’s only a vignette, not a story. No particular dilemma or resolution of anything; no change in anything, certainly not the characters. A nice finish, even for a vignette, would be for the girl to walk by the construction guys again. The story is missing an interesting arc to it.

After a while it became obvious this was done in British style. That’s OK. I showed where it diverged from U.S. style, though, which seems to be the preferred style on Literotica. Sometimes a story showing too much British style will be rejected for false finding on grammar/punctuation.

You need to learn how to set stories up. Extra spaces between paragraphs and, especially for e-reading, more paragraphs then you display. Need to learn quite a bit about setting up dialogue and the use of commas. Some related problems with capitalization.

The flow of the read was mostly fine, with only a few distractions by something that could have been worded better, I think. I’ve marked those. Nothing here you can’t pick up by more writing and reading—and paying attention to editorial suggestions when they are made.

You managed to maintain voice (first-person, past tense) except for one bobble that I saw and marked.

Clean it up and submit it and let your readers enjoy it.

Nail Art

It was Friday and I left work on time for once. It was the first sunny day we'd had all year[comma] and I was damned if I was going to spend another minute in that oppressive office. As soon as I stepped out the door[comma] I heaved a deep sigh, *it[It, no asterisk] felt as if the blood were rushing away from my brain and back round my curvy body[“telling” self-description like this is considered weak writing. However, if the character you are building is shallow and self-possessed, this is good writing. Which one?] once again. Being a Leo[comma] the sun[You have the sun as a Leo here (which is naturally correct), not yourself. Misplaced modifier] always brings out the hunter in me[comma] and I stood on the top of the marble steps and looked down at the city streeet[street]. My eyes were quickly drawn to a couple of builders on some scaffolding oposite[opposite], having downed tools for the day and lounging around soaking up the evening sun. A gentle breeze swept by and caught the front of my dress, teasing it open, exposing the creamy delicate skin[Again the self-description is weak and your character is beginning to seem off-puttingly narcissistic] of my inner thigh to its first taste of summer.[Would be good to split paragraphs here. Your paragraphs are too long for e-reading] The builders whistled and I made a coy attmpt[attempt] at covering my legs and gave the builders a wry smile that said '[double quote, if this is U.S. market style. First level in the U.S. style is always the double quote. Note, by the way, that the Web site seems to prefer U.S. style and sometimes rejects a story for grammar/punctuation that is too heavily British style]come here if you dare little boys'.[Period inside a double quote, if this is U.S. market style] They cheered and I walked past, I could feel their eyes on my hips as I took slow[comma] rhythmical steps as[Too many “as” clause is a row—two such clauses is too many for a smooth read. Could change this to “and” or just start a new sentence] I turned down the alley towards[OK if British style. U.S. market style is “toward”] the train station. I heard [suggest inserting “the sound of” – heavy boots rushing can give the reader a comical, distracting image] heavy boots rushing behind me and quickly ducked inside a nail bar.[Suggest another paragraph split here] 'Just a minute[comma. And double quotes if U.S. style]' called a high pitched[high-pitched] voice from the back somewhere. I turned round to look out of the big glass front of the shop and could see no one. I suddenly felt really silly[comma] and my cheeks began to blush. 'You ok[comma. Also “ok” is an incorrect spelling. Your choices are “OK” and “okay.” It’s in the dictionary]?' asked the girl[comma] and I spun around. What I saw did not help cool me down. Standing in front of the beaded curtain was a cute young vietnamese[Vietnamese] woman tying up her hair into a messy ponytail. I opened my mouth to answer but just ended up staring. She couldn't have been more than 5 ft[five feet. Don’t abbreviate in text] tall, slender build, wearing low skinny jeans and [add “a”]tight white vest and no bra.

'Um, yeah[comma] fine[comma] thanks, can[period. “Can”] I get my nails done[comma] please?'.[delete period. Too many bits of close punctuation.]

'Sure. Sit down. You want some tea?[end quote missing]

'Yes[comma] please[end punctuation missing]'

I thumbed through some magazines and tried to get a[delete “a”] hold of myself. The air was hot and stuffy[comma] and I could feel my thighs sticking to plastic seat.[space missing]She came back in carrying the tea[comma] and we sat either side of the trolley. I put my hands out[comma] and she began filing[began filling what?]. I looked over at her heavily kholled[“kohled.” It’s in the dictionary. Also, it seems odd that a Vietnamese woman would kohl her eyes. Wrong ethnic group. She could, of course, but if there’s no purpose for this in the story, I find it too distracting to be in the story.] eyes blinking rapidly with all the dust particles and the strands of fine[comma] long hair that had worked their way out of her hair tie. He[“Her”?] breathing was quick and shallow, her rough little hands hrapling[what does “hrapling” mean? misspelling?] with mine. She pulled the mask[What mask? I don’t see previous mention of a mask. If it’s used, it needs to be introduced] down from her moth[Where did the moth get in? Presume you mean “mouth”] and breathed out heavily.[Paragraph split. It’s too long, and it’s best to avoid submerging dialog inside narrative paragraphs] [missing open quote]What's wrong?[missing end quote] I asked?[new paragraph. Dialogue by two different characters shouldn’t be in the same paragraph] 'Hey fever[comma]' she replied and reached for a tissue. Her little finger brushed against the inside of my wrist[comma] and I shivered.[New paragraph] 'you[You] make me nervous[comma]' she said[period][New paragraph] 'how[How] so?' I replied[comma] laughing[period][New Paragraph] ''the[The] way you look at me'.[New paragraph] I apologised[OK, if British. “apologized” if U.S.][comma] but slipped off my peep toes and touched my foot against hers,[period instead of comma] they[They] were bare and warm and soft and small. She didn’t pull away but started filing faster. I dug my nails into her palms. She looked up at me, her chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. Her tiny nipples stuck out of her vest like they were begging me to do the same to themThe same what? The antecedent is "stuck out".

‘Crawl under the table to me[comma]’ I said in my most authoritative voice. She slowly got to her knees and did as I said. I leant back on my chair[comma] and she appeared between my legs, her mask still on. I pulled it up and left it holding her hair back out of[off] her face. Her eyes sparkled as she looked up as me, pouting. I locked my eyes on hers as she ran the back of her hands slowly up my legs. She circled around my pants with her fingers and then started to kiss my cunt. I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants[comma] and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan...[publishing ellipses have spaces between them: moan . . . and]and bit me!

I pulled her up by her hair and put her across my knee and tugged at her jeans until they were over her narrow hips and round her legs. I scratched from the back of her knees right up over her pale honey coloured[honey-coloured (“honey-colored” in U.S. style)] bottom[comma] and she shoved her face with her hands[“shoved her face” is a weird image here. Sure that’s what you mean?] and screamed.[New paragraph] ‘that[That] was naughty’ [This is the same speaker, right? If so there should be no end and open quotes here]‘you[You] were such a good girl, why[Two sentences: girl. Why] did you bit[bite] me like that[question mark missing]’[New paragraph] ‘I’m sorry[comma]’ she[shouldn’t this be “I”? If not, you’ve lost me on who did what] said[comma] playfully.[New paragraph] I had drawn a small amount of blood in some places[comma] and her bottom was flushed. I cupped my hand slightly and brought down a firm but relatively gently spank in the middle of her ass. She wriggled with pleasure on my lap[comma] so[ I ] did it again and again and again, she[Two sentences here: again. She] kept quiet. I spanked harder with every stroke until shet[She] started to yelp. One more for good measure and I stopped.

I reached for a soft powder brush from the manicure table and ever so gently stroked her bottom around in circles all the way up her spine and bacl[back] down again. As I moved it over her inner thighs[comma] the bristles became wet and sticky. I ushered her up[Although, upon reflection, I understand the use of “ushered” here, the fact that I, as a reader, had to stop to figure out how it fit probably means it isn’t the best fit for a word here] and kissed her softly on the lips[comma] and she pushed her tongue into my mouth[comma] greatfully[“gratefully?” Also, you violate first-person narrative here. The narrating character can’t speak for the Vietnamese girl and say she’s grateful] rammed her breasts up against mine[comma] bringing her knee between my legs.[New paragraph] ‘Do you want to finish what you started[comma]’ I asked her.[New paragraph] She fell to her knees and pulled down my pants[period][New paragraph] ‘do[Do] it properly this time.' '[This is the same speaker, isn’t it? If so, no reason to close and then reopen the quotes]No biting or you’ll be in trouble'.[New paragraph] She licked and sucked and thrust her tongue into me. I held on to the back of her head and steadied myself against the wall and closed my eyes. I felt my knees going and my hands went numb, my stomach muscles tightened[comma] and I started to cum:[colons aren’t used like this. You could use an em dash, though] HARD. I pulled her head right in.[New paragraph] 'Don’t move[comma]' I said.

I pulled up my pants and took out my wallet and paid the £20 for the manicure. The rest, she said[comma] was ‘on the house’.

 

[starscape]

It would help wouldn't it?

Sorry, here's my story:

Nail Art
It was Friday and I left work on time for once. It was the first sunny day we'd had all year and I was damned if I was going to spend another minute in that oppressive office. As soon as I stepped out the door I heaved a deep sigh, *[<what's this? assuming it's a typo?]it felt as if the blood were rushing away from my brain and back round my curvy body once again. Being a Leo the sun always brings out the hunter in me and I stood on the top of the marble steps and looked down at the city streeet. [street]

My eyes were quickly drawn to a couple of builders on some scaffolding oposite,[opposite] having downed tools for the day and lounging around soaking up the evening sun.[This sentence is worded awkwardly. I would split it into two: ...scaffolding opposite. (<opposite what?). Seeming to have downed (<You don't know they're done, you're assuming they're done. They could have been taking a break.) their tools for the day, they were lounging...sun.]

A gentle breeze swept by and caught the front of my dress, teasing it open, exposing the creamy delicate skin of my inner thigh to its first taste of summer. The builders whistled and I made a coy attmpt at covering my legs and gave the builders a wry smile that said 'come here if you dare little boys'. They cheered and I walked past, I could feel their eyes on my hips as I took slow rhythmical [rhymic]steps as I turned down the alley towards [toward]the train station.

I heard heavy boots rushing behind me and quickly ducked inside a nail bar.

'Just a minute[add a comma between "minute" and the single quote]' called a high pitched[high-pitched] voice from the back somewhere. I turned round[around or 'round] to look out of the big glass front of the shop and could see no one. I suddenly felt really silly and my cheeks began to blush.

'You ok?' asked the girl and I spun around. What I saw did not help cool me down. Standing in front of the beaded curtain was a cute young vietnamese[Vietnamese] woman tying up her hair into a messy ponytail. I opened my mouth to answer but just ended up staring. She couldn't have been more than 5 ft ["five feet"--don't use numbers except for things like "123 Maple Street" or "There had to have been 20,000 people at the concert."]tall, slender build, wearing low skinny jeans and [use a comma since, from the way you've structured the sentence, it's not the end of the list yet]tight[a tight] white vest and no bra.

'Um, yeah fine thanks, can I get my nails done please?'. ['Um, yeah. Fine, thanks. Can I get my nails done please?']

'Sure. Sit down. You want some tea?

'Yes please'['Yes, please.']

I thumbed through some magazines and tried to get a hold of myself. The air was hot and stuffy and I could feel my thighs sticking to plastic seat.[space between sentences]She came back in carrying the tea and we sat either side of the trolley. I put my hands out and she began filing.

I looked over at her heavily kholled["kohled" though I think "lined" would work much better; don't know if "kohled" is a word] eyes blinking rapidly with all the dust particles and the strands of fine long hair that had worked their way out of her hair tie. He breathing was quick and shallow, her rough little hands hrapling[<what?] with mine. She pulled the mask down from her moth and breathed out heavily.

What's wrong? I asked? [replace second "?" with a period]

'Hey fever[add a comma in between "fever" the single quote] she replied and reached for a tissue. Her little finger brushed against the inside of my wrist and I shivered.

'you[cap. "Y"] make me nervous' [period between "nervous" and single quote]

she said 'how so?' [She said, 'How so?"]

I replied laughing ''the way you look at me'. [I replied, laughing, "The way you look at me.']

I apologised but slipped off my peep toes and touched my foot against hers, they were bare and warm and soft and small. She didn’t pull away but started filing faster. I dug my nails into her palms. She looked up at me, her chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. Her tiny nipples stuck out of her vest like they were begging me to do the same to them.
‘Crawl under the table to me’ I said in my most authoritative voice. She slowly got to her knees and did as I said. I leant back on my chair and she appeared between my legs, her mask still on. I pulled it up and left it holding her hair back out of her face. Her eyes sparkled as she looked up as me, pouting. I locked my eyes on hers as she ran the back of her hands slowly up my legs. She circled around my pants with her fingers and then started to kiss my cunt. I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan...and bit me!
I pulled her up by her hair and put her across my knee and tugged at her jeans until they were over her narrow hips and round her legs. I scratched from the back of her knees right up over her pale honey coloured bottom and she shoved her face with her hands and screamed. ‘that was naughty’ ‘you were such a good girl, why did you bit me like that’ ‘I’m sorry’ she said playfully. I had drawn a small amount of blood in some places and her bottom was flushed. I cupped my hand slightly and brought down a firm but relatively gently spank in the middle of her ass. She wriggled with pleasure on my lap so did it again and again and again, she kept quiet. I spanked harder with every stroke until shet started to yelp. One more for good measure and I stopped.
I reached for a soft powder brush from the manicure table and ever so gently stroked her bottom around in circles all the way up her spine and bacl down again. As I moved it over her inner thighs the bristles became wet and sticky. I ushered her up and kissed her softly on the lips and she pushed her tongue into my mouth greatfully rammed her breasts up against mine bringing her knee between my legs. ‘Do you want to finish what you started’ I asked her. She fell to her knees and pulled down my pants ‘do it properly this time.' 'No biting or you’ll be in trouble'. She licked and sucked and thrust her tongue into me. I held on to the back of her head and steadied myself against the wall and closed my eyes. I felt my knees going and my hands went numb, my stomach muscles tightened and I started to cum: HARD. I pulled her head right in. 'Don’t move' I said.
I pulled up my pants and took out my wallet and paid the £20 for the manicure. The rest, she said was ‘on the house’.

You have some passages/phrases I thought were nicely descriptive. Some of them were:

I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan...and bit me!

her pale honey coloured bottom

As I moved it over her inner thighs the bristles became wet and sticky.

They painted a picture for me of what was happening and were sensual/erotic. It would have been nice to have a lot more like them!

I thought the ending was abrupt, and what about the other woman's orgasm? Your main issues, however, are spelling, grammar, punctuation, formatting and paragraph size. You have a lot of problems in these areas and I'm pretty sure it would be rejected if submitted as-is. It's great you're looking for an editor . I have made some corrections above to give you an idea of what I'm talking about. Note that I have probably missed some and I stopped partway through (I'm sure you can tell where).

Summary of corrections:

Look up words you don't know how to spell. Also, whenever you are talking about a nationality it's always capitalized--British, American, Vietnamese. And don't be "sloppy" with words you do know. If you have Spell Checker, there is no excuse for spelling words like "street" and "opposite" incorrectly, for example.

Paragraphs are way too long. One idea per paragraph. Limit length to ten lines or less. Large blocks of text are hard to scan/read on a computer. They are an immediate back-click for me; I won't even bother trying to read because it's too difficult.

White space between paragraphs (one line).

There is punctuation when doing dialog...

'Hey Bob. How are things going?' Mary greeted.

Jose said, 'I can't wait till we get to the beach.'

...and whenever there's a new speaker you start a new paragraph, even if the response is only one word.

Finally, this sentence "...I started to cum: HARD." should be "...I started to cum, hard." or "...I started to cum--HARD." Better yet would have been to show us how she came hard instead of telling us. This is not the greatest example, but off the top of my head:

"As I felt my knees going, my hands went numb and my stomach muscles tightened. Bucking my hips, grinding my wet flesh into her face, my orgasm exploded, streaking through my body and out my limbs. 'Oh yes, yes, YES!' I screamed, holding onto the table legs for dear life."

See the difference?

I don't do editing myself (too busy), but I hope this helps.

 

[Thumbell]

I wrote this on my phone so no spell check and hard to check the layout. Sorry to have made it such difficult reading. Thanks for taking the time to go though it. If I get the time to be alone with my computer (and buy a new dictionary, I was sure 'filing' was a word, lol) then I will give it a re-hash. Thoug as it was based on real people and events, very little thought was given to the story arch or setting up the characters as they were already in my head- guess that's the trick to writing! Oh well, thanks again for your comments.
X

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, "filing" is a word. I don't see where either of the reviews indicated otherwise.

 

[Dragonstaff]

"Filing" is a word. It is what you are doing to your nails with a nail file. It is also what you do with all that paper-work that accumulates on every desk. "Filling" is also a word, but has a very different meaning.

 

[Dragonstaff]

Yes, "filing" is a word. I don't see where either of the reviews indicated otherwise.

The first one asked what she was "filling".

 

[sr71plt]

Ah, so. Thanks. They are both words. Just words with different meanings, Thumbell.

 

[Thumbell]

I had thought to describe the former but when I read 'filling what' I thought "wait a minute perhaps that's not how you spell it after all".
:$
Btw what time is it where you guys are? It's really late here.

 

[Dragonstaff]

It was just before 09:00 am when I made my first post. It is now 11:38 am. I am in South Australia.

 

[Thumbell]

Cool. Hope this doesn't sound too ignorant but is there an 'Australian style' of writing as I've noticed people have referred to the British style and American style. Have you written anything you would recommend?

 

[Dragonstaff]

An "Australian Style" of writing would use a lot of distinctly Australian colloquialisms, along with a mix of British and American slang. I am not a writer, but if you want to read something that I instantly recognized as Australian, hunt up 'Friskee Cpl' in the authors index.

 

[Thumbell]

Thanks. Will check it out.

 

[Thumbell]

sr71plt do you think it would work better if the lead was not a vain bitch? Should she learn some sort of lesson to give it the traditional story feel? Any suggestions what could make the reader more interested in the characters while still keeping things brief?

 

[Dragonstaff]

See if this reads better

Nail Art
It was Friday and I left work on time for once. It was the first sunny day we'd had all year and I was damned if I was going to spend another minute in that oppressive office. As soon as I stepped out the door I heaved a deep sigh, it felt as if the blood were rushing away from my brain and back round my curvy body once again. Being a Leo the sun always brings out the hunter in me and I stood on the top of the marble steps and looked down at the city streeet. My eyes were quickly drawn to a couple of builders on some scaffolding oposite, having downed tools for the day[, they were](instead of 'and') and lounging around soaking up the evening sun. A gentle breeze swept by and caught the front of my dress, teasing it open, exposing the creamy delicate skin of my inner thigh to its first taste of summer. The builders whistled and I made a coy att[e]mpt at covering my legs[then] (instead of another 'and') and gave the builders a wry smile that said 'come here if you dare little boys'. They cheered and I walked past, I could feel their eyes on my hips as I took slow rhythmical steps as I turned down the alley towards the train station. I heard heavy boots rushing behind me and quickly ducked inside a nail bar.
'Just a minute' called a high pitched voice from the back somewhere.
I turned round to look out of the big glass front of the shop and could see no one. I suddenly felt really silly and my cheeks began to blush.
'You ok?' asked the girl and I spun around.
What I saw did not help cool me down. Standing in front of the beaded curtain was a cute young vietnamese woman tying up her hair into a messy ponytail. I opened my mouth to answer but just ended up staring. She couldn't have been more than 5 ft tall, slender build, wearing low skinny jeans and tight white vest and no bra.
'Um, yeah fine thanks, can I get my nails done please?'.
'Sure. Sit down. You want some tea?
'Yes please'
I thumbed through some magazines and tried to get a hold of myself. The air was hot and stuffy and I could feel my thighs sticking to [the] plastic seat.She came back in carrying the tea and we sat either side of the trolley. I put my hands out and she began filing. I looked over at her heavily kholled eyes blinking rapidly with all the dust particles and the strands of fine long hair that had worked their way out of her hair tie. He breathing was quick and shallow, her rough little hands hrapling[Grappling?] with mine. She pulled the mask[What mask? we don't all get false nails.] down from her moth [mouth] and breathed out heavily.
What's wrong? I asked?
'Hey fever' [Hayfever] she replied and reached for a tissue. Her little finger brushed against the inside of my wrist and I shivered.
'[Y]ou make me nervous' she said[.]
'[H]ow so?' I replied[,] laughing[.]
'[T]he way you look at me'.
I apologised but slipped off my peep toes and touched my foot against hers, they were bare and warm and soft and small. She didn’t pull away but started filing faster. I dug my nails into her palms. She looked up at me, her chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. Her tiny nipples stuck out of her vest like they were begging me to do the same to them.
‘Crawl under the table to me’ I said in my most authoritative voice.
She slowly got to her knees and did as I said. I leant back on my chair and she appeared between my legs, her mask still on. I pulled it up and left it holding her hair back out of her face. Her eyes sparkled as she looked up as me, pouting. I locked my eyes on hers as she ran the back of her hands slowly up my legs. She circled around my pants with her fingers and then started to kiss my cunt. I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan...and[then she?] bit me!
I pulled her up by her hair and put her across my knee and tugged at her jeans until they were over her narrow hips and round her legs. I scratched from the back of her knees right up over her pale honey coloured bottom and she shoved her face with[in][rather than with?] her hands and screamed.
[T]hat was naughty, you were such a good girl, why did you bit[e] me like that[?]'
‘I’m sorry’ she said playfully.
I had drawn a small amount of blood in some places and her bottom was flushed. I cupped my hand slightly and brought down a firm but relatively gently spank in the middle of her ass. She wriggled with pleasure on my lap so did it again and again and again, she kept quiet. I spanked harder with every stroke until she started to yelp. One more for good measure and I stopped.
I reached for a soft powder brush from the manicure table and ever so gently stroked her bottom around in circles all the way up her spine and bac[k] down again. As I moved it over her inner thighs the bristles became wet and sticky. I ushered her up and kissed her softly on the lips [,][ leave out the 'and']and she pushed her tongue into my mouth[and] greatfully[gratefully] rammed her breasts up against mine bringing her knee between my legs.
‘Do you want to finish what you started’ I asked her.
She fell to her knees and pulled down my pants[.]
‘[D]o it properly this time. No biting or you’ll be in trouble.'
She licked and sucked and thrust her tongue into me. I held on to the back of her head and steadied myself against the wall and closed my eyes. I felt my knees going and my hands went numb, my stomach muscles tightened and I started to cum[,] HARD. I pulled her head right in.
'Don’t move' I said.
I pulled up my pants and took out my wallet and paid the £20 for the manicure.
The rest, she said was ‘on the house’.[/QUOTE]

The first two posts have probably got somethings that I missed, so a careful check of all three should give you a good idea of what to look for and fix for publcation

Good luck, and keep writing.

 

[sr71plt]

sr71plt do you think it would work better if the lead was not a vain bitch? Should she learn some sort of lesson to give it the traditional story feel? Any suggestions what could make the reader more interested in the characters while still keeping things brief?

Two questions here, really. What would be better (or best) in terms of character and what would make this a story. And these are, of course, just my opinion.

I think it would be a better character-driven vignette if she were more obviously a vain bitch--throughout the story--so, in the nail salon too. Don't leave the reader thinking maybe you don't know she's a vain bitch. Vignettes can be good if the reader hates the protagonist too. Where they don't work too well is where the reader thinks the characters are bland or is unsure of them (or what the author was trying to make them)--and this is particularly deadly when the piece is held up by presentation of character, because there's little or no story.

To make this a story, you need to pose a dilemma, give or point to a resolution (or quite purposely not give a resolution) and provide some element of change--in the character's attitudes or circumstance, for instance.

If you are looking for votes, make her sweet and provide good sex. But you will then have a run-of-the-mill vignette. If you want to get votes and move toward having a story, make her more self-centered and a little cruel and provide a moral judgment ending that improves her attitude. If you want a killer of a story, make her a mean, taking bitch and then either give her her comeuppance or have someone try to do so and have her cleverly level them and flip off continuing to be what she is.

 

[Thumbell]

Thanks for the further advice you two, this has really helped. I feel more inspired to work on this now. Studying, laundry and unblocking the sink can wait :-D

 

[Thumbell]

edited

OK, so I've done some editing, taking on board what people have said. I am a cheapskate and only have Open Office which won't let me continue to spell check in US English and also doesn't seem to do any grammar checking. I welcome any further editing

I made the lead character more obviously a predatory bitch (I think) and added some 'arc' to the story (again, I think). I gave her a comeuppance but I am not sure if this looks too much like an afterthought and is too rushed and even if it is appropriate as it is a bit horrible.

Let me know what you think please.

x




It was Friday and I left work on time for once. It was the first sunny day we'd had all year, and I was damned if I was going to spend another minute in that oppressive office. As soon as I stepped out the door, I heaved a deep sigh, it felt as if the blood were rushing away from my brain and back round my hot curvy body once again. Being a Leo, the sun always brings out the hunter in me, and I stood on the top of the marble steps and looked down at the city street. My eyes were quickly drawn to a couple of builders on some scaffolding opposite who also appeared to have finished for the day and were lounging around soaking up the evening sun. A gentle breeze swept by and caught the front of my dress, teasing it open, exposing the creamy delicate skin of my inner thigh to its first taste of summer.

The builders whistled and I made a coy attempt at covering my legs and gave the builders a wry smile that said "Come here if you dare little boys". They cheered and I walked past; I could feel their eyes on my hips so I took slow, rhythmical steps. I turned down the alley toward the train station and into the nail bar. "Just a minute", called a high-pitched voice from the back somewhere and I spun round. What I saw did not help me cool down and my cheeks flushed and my heart rate was elevated once more. "You OK?" asked the girl walking out from behind a beaded curtain. Standing no more than five feet tall, pulling her hair into a messy ponytail she almost made me lost for words. I looked her up and down, her pert little tits showing through a white t0shirt with no bra, slender hips showing above skinny blue jeans.

"Um, yeah, fine thanks. Can I get my nails done please?"

'Sure. Sit down. You want some tea?"

'Yes please"

I thumbed through some magazines and tried to get hold of myself. The air was hot and stuffy, and I could feel my thighs sticking to plastic seat. She came back in carrying the tea, and we sat either side of the trolley. I put my hands out, and she began filing my nails. I stared at her eyes. They were dark and concentrating intently, blinking rapidly with all the dust particles in the air. Her breathing was quick and shallow. Her mouth was covered by one of those cotton medical masks to protect her from all the fumes of the polish and some of her lipstick had bled through in a rosebud shape. My head was filled with thoughts of my tongue running over it, soaking up her taste and the waxy tang of lipstick casing it to bleed through on the other side and make a mess of her handy work all round her mouth. I wondered if she'd ever sucked cock with those young lips, smeared the shaft in her plum lipstick. Did she always wear it? What would those tiny little nipples look like if I circled them with it. I startled out of my fantasy as she snagged some skin on the corner of my nails

"Watch it!" I said.

I had not meant for it to come out so harsh but she bowed her head and I did not apologise. I liked it. I liked intimidating her slightly.
Her her rough little hands were grappling with mine now, I assumed her nerves were getting the better of her which was a shame, she breathed out heavily.

"What's wrong? " I asked

"Heyfever", she replied pulling down her mask and reached for a tissue.

Her little finger brushed against the inside of my wrist and I shivered.

"You make me nervous" she said giggling

"How so? " I said raising an eyebrow.

She opened her mouth to speak but stopped. I slipped off my peep-toes and traced the tip of my feet over the top f hers, it was bare (but for a ring on her middle toe) and warm and soft and small. She didn’t pull away but started filing my nails again. I dug my nails into her palms. "Good girl" I said under my breath.
She looked up at me, her chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. Her tiny chocolate button nipples stuck out of her vest like they were begging me to do the same to dig my nails into them too.

"Crawl under the table to me", I said in my most authoritative voice. She slowly got to her knees and did as I said. I leant back on my chair, and she appeared between my legs. Her eyes looked up at me frightened but she was gently biting on her lower lip and I knew she waned it bad. I locked my eyes on hers as she ran the back of her hands slowly up my legs. She circled around the lace edge of my underwear with her fingers and then started to kiss my cunt. I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants, and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan . . . and bit me!

I pulled her up by her hair and put her across my knee and tugged at her jeans until they were over her narrow hips and round her knees. I scratched from the back of her knees right up over her pale honey-coloured bottom and she covered her face with her hands and screamed.

"That was naughty young lady. You were doing such a good job of pleasing me. Why did you bite me like that? Don't you want to please me?

"Yes. I'm sorry", she said, playfully"

I had drawn a small amount of blood in some places, and her bottom was flushed. I cupped my hand slightly and brought down a firm but relatively gently spank in the middle of her ass. She wriggled with pleasure on my lap, so I did it again and again and again. She kept quiet. I spanked harder with every stroke until finally she started to yelp. One more for good measure and I stopped.

I reached for a soft powder brush from the manicure table and ever so gently stroked her bottom around in circles all the way up her spine and back down again. As I moved it over her inner thighs, the bristles became wet and sticky. I helped her to her feet and finally kissed her softly on those lips I had craved. She pushed her tongue into my mouth with very little grace or skill. I didn't care. She rammed her breasts up against mine as she brought her knee between my legs.

"Now then beautiful, do you want to finish what you started', I asked her.

She fell to her knees and pulled down my pants.

"Make sure you do it properly this time. No biting or you’ll be in real trouble".

She licked and sucked and thrust her tongue into me in the same way as she had my mouth. It felt better down there. I held on to the back of her head and steadied myself against the wall and closed my eyes. I felt my knees going and my hands went numb, my stomach muscles tightened, and I started to cum – HARD. I was gushing and pulled her head right in tight.
"Don't move", I ordered and I bucked and and moaned and felt the release off all the working week pour out of me and over this sweet girl's face, causing her hair to stick to her cheeks.

I pulled up my pants and took out my wallet and paid the £20 for the manicure. The rest, she said 'was on the house' and I walked out of the door. I looked over my shoulder at her sitting on the laminate floor in the shop and gave her a little wink.

The sun had begun to set and it was cooler now as I carried on down to the train station. I hear the sound of heavy footsteps running behind me and before I could turn round, my face was pushed up against a red brick wall. Big rough male hands covered in dried concrete pulled at the front of my dress and puled my Wonderbra up. I stamped my foot down hard onto the man's foot but he was wearing steel toe capped builder's boots and it only made him laugh.

"I saw your little performance, Slut', he said in a thick accent.

I heard him undo his belt and start spanking his cock. I was not horny but my cunt was still dripping from my encounter with the Vietnamese girl and he slipped inside me with one swift push.
He pushed both my arms up behind my back and pulled almost all the way out before showing himself back in again, each time my knees grazed against the wall.. He pushed and pumped and grunted.

"Not such a cocky bitch now are you?", he said, then filled me with hot cum.

"Keep facing the wall unless you want me to go get my mates" he order and I obeyed.

I stood there so tense that not a drop trickled down my leg and counted the footsteps until they were far enough away. I pulled up my pants for the second time in one night but didn't look back.

 

[Dragonstaff]

OK, so I've done some editing, taking on board what people have said. I am a cheapskate and only have Open Office which won't let me continue to spell check in US English and also doesn't seem to do any grammar checking. I welcome any further editing

I made the lead character more obviously a predatory bitch (I think) and added some 'arc' to the story (again, I think). I gave her a comeuppance but I am not sure if this looks too much like an afterthought and is too rushed and even if it is appropriate as it is a bit horrible.

Let me know what you think please.

x




It was Friday and I left work on time for once. It was the first sunny day we'd had all year, and I was damned if I was going to spend another minute in that oppressive office. As soon as I stepped out the door, I heaved a deep sigh, it felt as if the blood were rushing away from my brain and back round my hot curvy body once again. Being a Leo, the sun always brings out the hunter in me, and I stood on the top of the marble steps and looked down at the city street. My eyes were quickly drawn to a couple of builders on some scaffolding opposite who also appeared to have finished for the day and were lounging around soaking up the evening sun. A gentle breeze swept by and caught the front of my dress, teasing it open, exposing the creamy delicate skin of my inner thigh to its first taste of summer.

The builders whistled and I made a coy attempt at covering my legs and gave the builders a wry smile that said "Come here if you dare little boys". They cheered and I walked past; I could feel their eyes on my hips so I took slow, rhythmical steps. I turned down the alley toward the train station and into the nail bar.

"Just a minute", called a high-pitched voice from the back somewhere and I spun round. What I saw did not help me cool down and my cheeks flushed and my heart rate was elevated once more.

"You OK?" asked the girl walking out from behind a beaded curtain.

Standing no more than five feet tall, pulling her hair into a messy ponytail she almost made me lost for words. I looked her up and down, her pert little tits showing through a white t[-]shirt with no bra, slender hips showing above skinny blue jeans.

"Um, yeah, fine thanks. Can I get my nails done please?"

'Sure. Sit down. You want some tea?"

'Yes please"

I thumbed through some magazines and tried to get hold of myself. The air was hot and stuffy, and I could feel my thighs sticking to [the] plastic seat. She came back in carrying the tea, and we sat either side of the trolley. I put my hands out, and she began filing my nails. I stared at her eyes. They were dark and concentrating intently, blinking rapidly with all the dust particles in the air. Her breathing was quick and shallow. Her mouth was covered by one of those cotton medical masks to protect her from all the fumes of the polish and some of her lipstick had bled through in a rosebud shape. My head was filled with thoughts of my tongue running over it, soaking up her taste and the waxy tang of lipstick casing it to bleed through on the other side and make a mess of her handy work all round her mouth. I wondered if she'd ever sucked cock with those young lips, smeared the shaft in her plum lipstick. Did she always wear it? What would those tiny little nipples look like if I circled them with it. I startled out of my fantasy as she snagged some skin on the corner of my nails

"Watch it!" I said.

I had not meant for it to come out so harsh but she bowed her head and I did not apologise. I liked it. I liked intimidating her slightly.
Her her rough little hands were grappling with mine now, I assumed her nerves were getting the better of her which was a shame, she breathed out heavily.

"What's wrong? " I asked

"H[a]yfever", she replied pulling down her mask and reached for a tissue.

Her little finger brushed against the inside of my wrist and I shivered.

"You make me nervous" she said giggling

"How so? " I said raising an eyebrow.

She opened her mouth to speak but stopped. I slipped off my peep-toes and traced the tip of my feet over the top f hers, it was bare (but for a ring on her middle toe) and warm and soft and small. She didn’t pull away but started filing my nails again. I dug my nails into her palms.

"Good girl" I said under my breath.

She looked up at me, her chest rising and falling as she caught her breath. Her tiny chocolate button nipples stuck out of her vest like they were begging me to do the same to dig my nails into them too.

"Crawl under the table to me", I said in my most authoritative voice.

She slowly got to her knees and did as I said. I leant back on my chair, and she appeared between my legs. Her eyes looked up at me frightened but she was gently biting on her lower lip and I knew she waned it bad. I locked my eyes on hers as she ran the back of her hands slowly up my legs. She circled around the lace edge of my underwear with her fingers and then started to kiss my cunt. I was soaking through the white cotton of my pants, and she sucked on them and let out a muffled moan . . . and bit me!

I pulled her up by her hair and put her across my knee and tugged at her jeans until they were over her narrow hips and round her knees. I scratched from the back of her knees right up over her pale honey-coloured bottom and she covered her face with her hands and screamed.

"That was naughty young lady. You were doing such a good job of pleasing me. Why did you bite me like that? Don't you want to please me?["]

"Yes. I'm sorry", she said, playfully[.]

I had drawn a small amount of blood in some places, and her bottom was flushed. I cupped my hand slightly and brought down a firm but relatively gently spank in the middle of her ass.[you are English, this should be 'arse'] She wriggled with pleasure on my lap, so I did it again and again and again. She kept quiet. I spanked harder with every stroke until finally she started to yelp. One more for good measure and I stopped.

I reached for a soft powder brush from the manicure table and ever so gently stroked her bottom around in circles all the way up her spine and back down again. As I moved it over her inner thighs, the bristles became wet and sticky. I helped her to her feet and finally kissed her softly on those lips I had craved. She pushed her tongue into my mouth with very little grace or skill. I didn't care. She rammed her breasts up against mine as she brought her knee between my legs.

"Now then beautiful, do you want to finish what you started', I asked her.

She fell to her knees and pulled down my pants.

"Make sure you do it properly this time. No biting or you’ll be in real trouble".

She licked and sucked and thrust her tongue into me in the same way as she had my mouth. It felt better down there. I held on to the back of her head and steadied myself against the wall and closed my eyes. I felt my knees going and my hands went numb, my stomach muscles tightened, and I started to cum – HARD. I was gushing and pulled her head right in tight.

"Don't move", I ordered and I bucked and and moaned and felt the release of['of' not 'off'] all the working week pour out of me and over this sweet girl's face, causing her hair to stick to her cheeks.

I pulled up my pants and took out my wallet and paid the £20 for the manicure. The rest, she said 'was on the house'[period. I thought this was the perfect finish.] and I walked out of the door. I looked over my shoulder at her sitting on the laminate floor in the shop and gave her a little wink.

The sun had begun to set and it was cooler now as I carried on down to the train station. I hear the sound of heavy footsteps running behind me and before I could turn round, my face was pushed up against a red brick wall. Big rough male hands covered in dried concrete pulled at the front of my dress and puled my Wonderbra up. I stamped my foot down hard onto the man's foot but he was wearing steel toe capped builder's boots and it only made him laugh.

"I saw your little performance, Slut', he said in a thick accent.

I heard him undo his belt and start spanking his cock. I was not horny but my cunt was still dripping from my encounter with the Vietnamese girl and he slipped inside me with one swift push.
He pushed both my arms up behind my back and pulled almost all the way out before showing himself back in again, each time my knees grazed against the wall.. He pushed and pumped and grunted.

"Not such a cocky bitch now are you?", he said, then filled me with hot cum.

"Keep facing the wall unless you want me to go get my mates" he order and I obeyed.

I stood there so tense that not a drop trickled down my leg and counted the footsteps until they were far enough away. I pulled up my pants for the second time in one night but didn't look back.

I picked up a few more spelling errors and such.

The reference to her 'pants' makes me think of trousers, rather than underwear. Try 'panties', or, since you are obviously English, the good old fashioned 'knickers' instead.

The added ending didn't work for me at all, and in fact I felt that it spoiled an otherwise good little story.

Please watch your 'cultural' references. If you are going to spank her 'ass' and wear 'panties' under your skirt, you need to pay her in dollars rather than pounds. I am sure I am not the only reader who will notice such anomalies.

 

[Thumbell]

I picked up a few more spelling errors and such.

The reference to her 'pants' makes me think of trousers, rather than underwear. Try 'panties', or, since you are obviously English, the good old fashioned 'knickers' instead.

The added ending didn't work for me at all, and in fact I felt that it spoiled an otherwise good little story.

Please watch your 'cultural' references. If you are going to spank her 'ass' and wear 'panties' under your skirt, you need to pay her in dollars rather than pounds. I am sure I am not the only reader who will notice such anomalies.

The whole cultural thing is really giving me a headache. I feel like the more I try an Americanise it, the more false it seems. I don't know anyone apart from my gran that uses the word knickers. Pants is the common term and panties just sounds creepy to me.

What would you suggest I do to make it better without 'spoiling the story?'

 

[Dragonstaff]

The whole cultural thing is really giving me a headache. I feel like the more I try an Americanise it, the more false it seems. I don't know anyone apart from my gran that uses the word knickers. Pants is the common term and panties just sounds creepy to me.

What would you suggest I do to make it better without 'spoiling the story?'

'Panties' is the American term, and knickers is in common use in Australia, so perhaps there is another 'Australianism' for you. I have never seen or heard of underwear refered to as 'pants' anywhere, only trousers, so is it maybe a piece of local idiom from where you live?

As for the 'cultural' problems, I don't think they are that hard to deal with. Consistency of reference is the be-all and end-all. To Americanise it, wear your 'panties', spank her 'ass' and pay her in Dollars. To keep the British feel, spank her 'arse' and pay her in Pounds.

If you are uncomfortable with the American 'panties' or your Gran's 'knickers' (sorry, had to put that one in) try other words. G-string, Thong, just plain Underwear, with some descriptive stuff to go with it would do just as well. Some good descriptive words and a sexy little G-string would possibly bring out the vixen in your character a bit more, as well. To be honest, your "white cotton pants' makes me immediately think of what we call 'Granny knickers' here.

For example (and please remember that I am not a writer):

"She crawled under the table and between my legs, kisssing her way up my thighs as she went. When she reached my crotch, she licked her way around the edges of my deep emerald green satin G-string [(style underwear)maybe] before sucking my juices from the now soaking wet centre...and biting me!" (Please excuse my poetic licence with your words, I typed that off the top of my head. I don't mean to suggest that the way you have written it is not good, it is. Yours is more 'in character' for your protagonists than mine).

I think that your original ending was perfect, and the rape scene afterwards just detracted from the story, but that is just me, others may like it.

When you have the final draft ready I would be than happy to give it a final read through and edit before you post, because every time I read it I spot things that I have missed previously. Please PM me if you want me to do this, and I will give you my email address.