Story excerpt for review -- BDSM

[TalonOne]

What do you about this storyline:
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“We will begin now”

“Krista… remove your trousers please”.

Obligingly, she stood up, turned slightly so Mark and I could watch the strip-tease, undid the button at the top, slid the zipper open, pushed the fabric down over her hips, then let the pants fall to the floor around her ankles.

“Now the heels and anklettes”

God she loved an audience, being the center of attention.

“My panties next”?

“No, please don’t interrupt, I will tell you what I want.”

Mark‘s expression was of a little disappointment that Krista was not going to be exposed this quickly, but the anticipation was also exciting.

“Remove the suit top now…”

One button, two, then the third.

“Slide it off slowly”

Krista opened the three quarter sleeve forest green jacket, moved it off her left then right shoulder and let it fall to the floor behind her.

“Pick it up and put it on the chair next to you”

She bent over, a little embarrassed, lifted the garment off the floor and placed it as she had been told.

“Remove your bra now”

Krista reached behind her back, unfastened the two hooks, and pulled the bra away from her body. She wasn’t certain what she was to do with it, standing silently, waiting for my instructions.

She was beginning to understand.

“Toss it aside”

Krista did as she was told, then placed her arms at her sides, knowing that Mark and I wanted to look at her, naked except for her panties. A little smile of desirability was visible in the corner of her mouth… so much need to be wanted.

“Put these on”

I held out a pair of thigh high black fishnet stockings, banded at the tops, seamed down the backs. Krista walked over to me to get them.

“Stop… I almost forgot… the panties”

Mark smiled.

Krista realized I was expecting a little show from her, and she knew how to perform for admirers. She hooked her thumbs under the elastic, pulled it away from her body, and pushed the panties down slowly over her hips to the top of her thighs, wiggled, the silky cloth floating to the ground…she stepped out of them as she held out her right hand to accept the stockings from me.

“Exquisite”.

Krista slipped on the left stocking, and to pull it up into place rested her left foot on the ottoman between Mark and I. Then the right. With each movement the lips below her trimmed red pubic hair opened slightly, inviting what was to be as the evening progressed.

“Put the jacket back on, but don’t fasten it”

“And the heels…”

In the window, darkened by the night outside, Krista could see the refection of Mark and I anticipating her body, dressed to be exposed, accessible and inviting.

We were nearly ready. Almost.

“Put these on”

I pulled a set of clover clamps out of my pocket.

 

[PennLady]

I think this should be in the story feedback area. And although I don't read much BDSM, this seems a pretty common set up.

 

[TalonOne]

Moved..

Thanks ... new here ... copied the posting to the feedback thread.

How do I delete the posting from here?

 

[lovecraft68]

Honestly? way to vanilla. This set up might work better in Exhibitionism rather than BDSM this is to tame for the crowd over there.

I know I am not seeing the entire story, but if this is a sample it's not hard enough.

 

[PennLady]

Thanks ... new here ... copied the posting to the feedback thread.

How do I delete the posting from here?

You can't delete it by deleting the post, but you can edit it, delete out all the text and just put something like "post deleted."

 

[PennLady]

Honestly? way to vanilla. This set up might work better in Exhibitionism rather than BDSM this is to tame for the crowd over there.

I know I am not seeing the entire story, but if this is a sample it's not hard enough.

I suppose one could argue it fits b/c she's allowing herself to be "dominated" to a small extent, but yeah, this particular piece is more exhibitionism. It would depend on what more there is.

 

[TalonOne]

Thanks

Thank you...

Yes there will be more... and yes 'harder'

 

[lovecraft68]

I suppose one could argue it fits b/c she's allowing herself to be "dominated" to a small extent, but yeah, this particular piece is more exhibitionism. It would depend on what more there is.

To me, there is no domination here. Don't get me wrong it could be a sexy scene, but to me there was an air of playfulness, not dominance.

 

[TalonOne]

Hmmm

Yes... no dominance as of yet... but Talon will, and is educating Mark, Krista's husband through paticipation.

Essentailly she is the 'force' behind the two, and Mark is too easy for her needs.

Talon will show Mark what she needs, and that he must be more ... brutal and humiliate her.

The sub-plot is that Krista is a mayor of a town in the Chicago suburbs, and needs to be discreet, and at the same time needs to be Dominated... and craves pain

 

[lovecraft68]

Just make sure you deliver the harder stuff fairly quickly or a lot of people will click off. Patience is not a virtue on this site.

 

[PennLady]

To me, there is no domination here. Don't get me wrong it could be a sexy scene, but to me there was an air of playfulness, not dominance.

It was small "d" dominance, if you will, perhaps mini-d. She was following orders, hence she was being "dominated."

Still and all, even if this does go into something more, and something more BDSM, to me the basic plot isn't too original (not that my plots are ). Just, here's this successful woman who really wants to be dominated and so she has to do it in secret, etc. Done before.

Of course, if this is done well, that makes all the difference.

 

[TalonOne]

Good Advice

thank you both ... VERY good advice.

 

[LettersFromTatyana]

Just make sure you deliver the harder stuff fairly quickly or a lot of people will click off. Patience is not a virtue on this site.

First, it's funny that, when commenting on a BDSM story, you say patience is not a virtue.

Second, I disagree. Some people like longer stories with character development etc; others don't. And some of the people who like strong story lines read BDSM stories--or at least, try to.

<rant>Frankly, I tend to be extremely picky about the BDSM stories I read, simply because so many of them have terrible plots, no character development, no buildup, include scenarios that aren't even remotely feasible, or are just plain offensive. If I open one more story about a virginal or nearly virginal young thing who is sold/given/lent to/offers herself to Sir Manly Domly Alpha-Master, and discovers within a week of fucking him that she is destined to love her position of slavery, and gawd she wants to fuck all his ugly and smelly friends just to please him, and gee he knows just how to get her virginal self off with his amazing telepathic Domly powers . . . .

Whew. Sorry for that, but I've been needing to get that one out for a while now. I don't care how good the sex scenes are in the above story. It does absolutely nothing for me. In fact, it makes me want to hurl.</rant>


That wasn't directed at you, OP, but I hope you write the story you want to write. I have a feeling your ratings and feedback will be driven more by the quality of your writing and storytelling skills than by how quickly you get to the heat.

As for feedback on this sample . . . I'm not a fan of reading group sex or scenarios with more than two people, and I don't really like this type of exhibitionism, so it's not my thing. That might be why my eyes glazed over as the instructions seemed to go on and on.

 

[PennLady]

<rant>Frankly, I tend to be extremely picky about the BDSM stories I read, simply because so many of them have terrible plots, no character development, no buildup, include scenarios that aren't even remotely feasible, or are just plain offensive. If I open one more story about a virginal or nearly virginal young thing who is sold/given/lent to/offers herself to Sir Manly Domly Alpha-Master, and discovers within a week of fucking him that she is destined to love her position of slavery, and gawd she wants to fuck all his ugly and smelly friends just to please him, and gee he knows just how to get her virginal self off with his amazing telepathic Domly powers . . . .

I have to agree with your rant. I think, in a broad sense, this is why I don't care for stories with 18yo protagonists. I realize kids have sex at young ages (too young many times), but even so, suddenly at 18 they know everything about pleasing their lover and themselves? Yeah, right.

And I get tired of any story, although I'm sure it's a bit more prevalent in a genre like BDSM, where the woman gives up essentially herself for the guy. Like you, LfT, I have no patience with the scenario where the woman, whether inexperienced or not, suddenly finds that nothing is more important than pleasing the man by doing whatever.

Can I use Sir Manly Domly Alpha-Master in a story sometime?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think Lovecraft meant to say that patience is not a common virtue on this site.

I am going to say that, any Mayor-- any woman who has the guts to get herself into the top shelf politically, can and will get any other thing she wants.

And also-- the plot? Been there, done that in seventy hundred current e-pub offerings. All these women are backlashing against the horribleness of being independent and responsible, by claiming she is, deep down, a submissive.

She's not. She just needs a break.

I think that what this character really needs to do, is learn how to be a dominant bottom.

What her hubby needs to learn is called service topping.

He would be acting in submission (Edited-- "in response" is probably more better way to put it) to her desire to be dominated-- in certain carefully delimited ways. At those times she knows that she can fall right into his hands, and be carried. Other times, she knows, he will respect her job and career and authority.

(this is why I so rarely leave comments on stories-- I rewrite them)

 

[D_Lynn]

I think Lovecraft meant to say that patience is not a common virtue on this site.

I am going to say that, any Mayor-- any woman who has the guts to get herself into the top shelf politically, can and will get any other thing she wants.

And also-- the plot? Been there, done that in seventy hundred current e-pub offerings. All these women are backlashing against the horribleness of being independent and responsible, by claiming she is, deep down, a submissive.

She's not. She just needs a break.

I think that what this character really needs to do, is learn how to be a dominant bottom.

What her hubby needs to learn is called service topping.

He would be acting in submission to her desire to be dominated-- in certain carefully delimited ways. At those times she knows that she can fall right into his hands, and be carried. Other times, she knows, he will respect her job and career and authority.

(this is why I so rarely leave comments on stories-- I rewrite them)

Well said. You understand a lot.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well said. You understand a lot.

Thank you

 

[lovecraft68]

I think Lovecraft meant to say that patience is not a common virtue on this site.

I am going to say that, any Mayor-- any woman who has the guts to get herself into the top shelf politically, can and will get any other thing she wants.

And also-- the plot? Been there, done that in seventy hundred current e-pub offerings. All these women are backlashing against the horribleness of being independent and responsible, by claiming she is, deep down, a submissive.

She's not. She just needs a break.

I think that what this character really needs to do, is learn how to be a dominant bottom.

What her hubby needs to learn is called service topping.

He would be acting in submission (Edited-- "in response" is probably more better way to put it) to her desire to be dominated-- in certain carefully delimited ways. At those times she knows that she can fall right into his hands, and be carried. Other times, she knows, he will respect her job and career and authority.

(this is why I so rarely leave comments on stories-- I rewrite them)

I was just glossing over this when I responded. Now that one of LIt's BDSM experts (and I am not being sarcastic) has weighed in, I will add a couple fo things.

If this woman is a Mayor and a very powerful woman yet is a secret painslut then you need not refer to her as a top. She is a switch.

Now adding to Stella's reamrk that this will send some women into an uproar it will.

To me when I see a woman portrayed as powerful and dominant yet is still at some point reduced to a submissive that tells me the author has an issue with a strong woman. Many men do have those issues, it scares them to think a woman can truly be that powerful of a personality.

So for those men this story will play as they will be glad to see this "bitch" get hers. But women like Stella will role their eyes and rightfully say poser.

Trust me I spent the first few years in the life style under a woman and the only pain she ever craved was mine.

And oh, how I loved her for it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Trust me, I crave my own pain. I like yours too, don't get me wrong -- but I don't correlate submissiveness to the physical desires that stem from these crossed neurological wires.

Topping, bottoming, submissiveness, dominance-- these are measurements along X-Y axises, yanno? you can't always infer one trait from another.

(Sorry for the hijack, OP!)

 

[lovecraft68]

Trust me, I crave my own pain. I like yours too, don't get me wrong -- but I don't correlate submissiveness to the physical desires that stem from these crossed neurological wires.

Topping, bottoming, submissiveness, dominance-- these are measurements along X-Y axises, yanno? you can't always infer one trait from another.

(Sorry for the hijack, OP!)

I do crave my own pain as well, but need someone to deliver it to me. My wife is not really a great top. Her only real experience is with me and she is fine with being a sub (I'm fairly vanilla with her, mostly verbal and physical humiliation not much pain.) but as a top she can't deliver what I truly need so rather than be teased we don't bother much with her in control.

My only point was to agree with you that there are women who don't feel the need to ever be submissive and the average guy doesn't seem to get it. Just shows their insecurity.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I do crave my own pain as well, but need someone to deliver it to me.

As do I-- and until I have someone trained in what I want, they do it under my direction.

Only when I know they understand what's expected of them will I tell someone "okay, you're in control."

It's like driving a car-- the rules of the road can be taught, and once taught, you can let someone have the wheel.

Now, this has been a fairly recent change for me, to get to the point where I didn't wish for the perfect mind-reading top to come my way and fulfill all of my desires by magic!

And one of the hardest things to learn is to own one's physical desires-- take complete responsibility for whatever thing you want or need, no matter how degrading or weird it might seem to your acculturated mind. Because you have to admit to what you want before you can tell it to someone else... That's really tough for a lot of people, men and women alike..


Edited to add: I am so sorry, totally went off on a tangent! What I meant to say is that perhaps you can help your wife learn how to deliver what you want-- under your direction. She would be service topping you. And building ups some nice strong midriff muscles from the flogging...

 

[D_Lynn]

Topping, bottoming, submissiveness, dominance-- these are measurements along X-Y axises, yanno? you can't always infer one trait from another.

So many people don't understand that it's a continuum, not an absolute, necessarily. Most people fit somewhere in the middle, and fluctuate depending on the circumstance.

Sadism and masochism are completely different concepts and fall into another category, as Stella has pointed out.

It's just so damned refreshing to hear from people who understand the dynamics at play here.

I do crave my own pain as well, but need someone to deliver it to me.

Oh, you just wait...
I haven't forgotten; I owe you a PM.

Now, this has been a fairly recent change for me, to get to the point where I didn't wish for the perfect mind-reading top to come my way and fulfill all of my desires by magic!

It's still the ultimate fantasy for me. To have the level of trust, the open communication, the deep understanding...

But I've decided to focus on the journey, rather than the destination. And that's okay. I still wish for it, though. I don't know how to turn that off.

Your approach to power exchange is very healthy and sensible; experienced.

 

[Handley_Page]

I think this should be in the story feedback area. And although I don't read much BDSM, this seems a pretty common set up.

I quite agree.

 

[TalonOne]

Wow

Fantastic discussion... lots for me to think about as I put pen to paper!