Story Discussion: The Gathering Night

[KillerMuffin]

Let's try this new thing. I'm using one of mine to see how this trial run works so no one gets offended by having their story shoved up under the light. If this works well, then we'll have a more active board without running out of participating authors. And I'll move on to someone else's work.

I'm putting this in red so you will see it clearly:

DO NOT GIVE FEEDBACK

The purpose of this exercise is to discuss a story, it's merits, what's good with it, what's bad with it, and flat out what's with it so we can all have some fun discussing a story. We may learn something about writing that we can apply to our own writings. We may learn something about reading that might make reading something more interesting in the future. We might just have some fun talking to each other. To do that, we must skip out on the feedback and move into discussion.

Some FYI:

Stories will be chosen by me. If you have a story of someone else's that you'd like to see discussed, PM me with it.

Authors will not be asked if we can review their work. The assumption is that if you put your work up for the world to see, someone is going to read it and have an opinion on it. If you don't want people to read it and have opinions on your writing, don't post it. The author will at some point be told depending on my swiss cheese memory.

We will only be doing completed stories. They will be stories that appear to be more of a--for lack of a better term--"literary" bent. They seem to provoke more discussion.

To recap:

DO NOT GIVE FEEDBACK!!

On to the guinea pig. Don't bother being gentle, that's not the point, be honest. And do be constructive rather than destructive.

It's an old story of mine called "The Gathering Night."
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=3261

I would like for you to read the story twice. Once just to read it. The second time, I'd like to you read it with a pencil and a piece of paper handy. No need to get terribly in depth, but jot down a few impressions along the way. If any word strikes you as odd or more important than the rest, take a note of it. The only reason for the notes is that they're a wonderful device to make you think more in depth about what you're reading.

Some things to think about while reading (you don't have to think about all of them. Or even any of them):

Who is the protag? The antag?
They have names with meanings.
What devices were used as a foreshadowing of the ending?
Did you guess before you got to it?
Pay attention to the transitions, see if you can find them.
Believability?
Did the title have any meaning?
How were the characters developed/undeveloped?
I've been told the sex never fit into the story. Why or why not?

A note: This is way old and my punctuation sucked. I've learned my lesson, thanks.

Now all there is to do is read! Once you're done reading, feel free to ask your questions or bring up other points about the writing that you may have noticed.

Remember, this story has been posted for nearly two years now. I've already taken it and reworked it into something else that's much, much longer. I don't need any feedback to rework it since the story, as it's written, is pretty much gone. I just took the characters and the premise from it. This isn't about my writing. This is about trying out a discussion. I have had, quite literally, over a hundred pieces of feedback on this story. Discuss it for you, not for me.

 

[TheEarl]

KM: Sorry, off-topic i know, but are we still allowed to volunteer our stories?

The Earl

 

[KillerMuffin]

Yes! I must be more clear. Thank you Jiminy! Yes, we're still doing the usual. This is just an addition because, frankly, for every story I post here I find myself skipping two who have only posted once in the SDC--to request feedback.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

This is input, not feedback of, "The Gathering Storm"

KillerMuffin,

This is the sort of cutting edge, inventive fiction I’ve come to expect in your writing. But while I enjoyed the read, the story does have some problems. Just remember, WHAT FOLLOWS IS INPUT, NOT (I SAY AGAIN, NOT) FEEDBACK! RF

--
The female character, Mariah, was underdeveloped. The reader has no idea as to her age, looks, why she’s in that town or in need of a job. In fact, we know little more about her than we do “his father” the antag. Wring, the protag, is comparatively well developed. However, we do know the def. of her name but, unless I missed something, are forced to guess at that of, Wring.
--
I had a lot of problems with some of the transitions. For instance the scene shift between paragraph three and four (his place to town) was abrupt and made me stop to re-read.
--
Paragraph four confused me. It opens with Mariah looking at “the newcomer” someone she’d “never seen”. The rest of the paragraph give the reader some detailed history about the man who turns out to be Wring who she somehow knows that, “His roots went as far back as the Lakota themselves.”
--
Paragraph five hinted at things which were never developed. IMHO, that’s fine if you’re working on a Faulkner-like full-length novel, but it’s confusing in a short story. ““Honey, that’s Wring.” Sally, the waitress who’d been her coworker until that fateful crash two days ago, whispered.”
--
In the next paragraph, Mariah apparently shifts her gaze away from Wring to an old man. That took me a couple of re-reads to unravel. “Mariah looked at an old white-haired coot. He grinned toothlessly back at her. As far as she could tell, he never left that stool at the diner accept to hitch up his britches.”
--
Between the two following paragraphs there is, IMHO, an abrupt POV switch.

“Mariah took one last fortifying sip of her coffee and watched Wring stare morosely at the chipped tabletop. He was in the diner to hire a hand. She knew for a fact that she was the only one applying for the job.

”Wring could feel her eyes on him, this stranger. Unfortunately, she was the only person who’d shown him any interest in the last three hours. This was his second trip to town, if this widening in the road could be called “town,” in the last week for this purpose. No one wanted the job.”

Also, the next to last sentence ends, “…for this purpose.” But the paragraph doesn’t mention why he was in town, just that she was the only one who was interested, this was his second trip into town, and that he didn’t have a high opinion of the place.
--
My nuts n’ aches drop off quickly after this point.

IMHO, the dialogue was first rate (I loved “mewling pants”) as was the judicious use of accents. The vocabulary, such as, “mewling,” did a good job of setting the tone and foreshadowing.

The opening paragraph was strong with a good hook.

The sex scene was perfect. As for the person who said it never fit into the story, tell them all their taste is in their mouth and to go back to reading “Illustrated Classics,” for they know not of what they speak.

Good read, good work. Hope at least some of this INPUT was the type you wanted.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[KillerMuffin]

From m-w.com

wring
1: to squeeze or twist especially so as to make dry or to extract moisture or liquid (wring a towel dry)
2 : to extract or obtain by or as if by twisting and compressing (wring water from a towel) (wring a confession from the suspect)
3 a : to twist so as to strain or sprain into a distorted shape (I could wring your neck) b : to twist together (clasped hands) as a sign of anguish
4 : to affect painfully as if by wringing : TORMENT (a tragedy that wrings the heart)


Mariah means "bitter, God is my teacher."

Character development is an interesting thing. What is character development to you? How do you think Mariah could have been developed a bit better? In your opinion, how much development does a character need and how do you know when to stop? What constitutes development? These would be more as applying to one's own writing or writing in general.

*trying to kickstart discussion here!*

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Okay, teacher, I'll take a shot-although I do better on multiple guess than fill-in-the-blank or essay questions. Will I get graded on a curve? If so, I'll need about a 90 degree angle.

RF
--
My problem with the def. of the names is that I think there's a mention, maybe a paraphrase, of the old song lyric about the wind being called Mariah, but I didn't notice any direct reference to Wring's name. Being a literal minded, concrete type block-head, that threw me.
--
KM: What is character development to you?

Giving the reader enough info to create a mental image of the character similar to what the writer desires.
--
KM: How do you think Mariah could have been developed a bit better?

IMHO, the reader has no idea as to her age, looks, why she’s in that town or in need of a job. To better develope the character, I'd suggest filling in at least a few of those blanks.
--
KM: In your opinion, how much development does a character need and how do you know when to stop?

"how much" -ENOUGH- It's a subjective judgement, although it's probably best to err on the side of less than more

"when to stop" When the author thinks the reader has enough info to create a mental image of the character similar to what the writer desires.
--
KM: What constitutes development?

IMHO, any action by, dialogue from, or description of the character which aids the reader in gaining a mental image of the character's mental, physical, or emotional make-up.

RF

 

[the_bragis]

Hello Killer Muffin and Rumpleforeskin,

This is the sort of cutting edge, inventive fiction I’ve come to expect in your writing.

I read this story several times, and to be honest I still don't fully understand it. I've read heaps of stories in here, and many of KM's. This one to me, didn't have the KM stamp on it.

The female character, Mariah, was underdeveloped. The reader has no idea as to her age, looks, why she’s in that town or in need of a job.

For me it wasn't character development that was missing. I have a good imagination and I don't mind using it. I can usually paint a picture in my head of what I think the characters should look like, or at least how I would like them to be. If it's a story I find interest I will still read it beginning to end regardless . I am one of those people who likes to kind of pick and prod around to find out more as I read, and then I just fill in the blanks for myself if I need to.


I had a lot of problems with some of the transitions. For instance the scene shift between paragraph three and four (his place to town) was abrupt and made me stop to re-read.

Me too. I don't know, it just seemed to jump along at a really fast pace, from place to place. Maybe it's just me being a lazy reader, but I just don't want to have to concertrate too hard on where I am.

Paragraph four confused me. It opens with Mariah looking at “the newcomer” someone she’d “never seen”. The rest of the paragraph give the reader some detailed history about the man who turns out to be Wring who she somehow knows that, “His roots went as far back as the Lakota themselves.”

I didn't have a problem with this. Rumple, don't you know, women talk all the time, and especially about men. It's quite feasible she would have know all about him, having never actually seen or met him, especially given his strong character, and the fact that it was a small town. Women are like that.


IMHO, the dialogue was first rate (I loved “mewling pants”) as was the judicious use of accents. The vocabulary, such as, “mewling,” did a good job of setting the tone and foreshadowing.

From a strictly personal point of view, I would have enjoyed more dialog, but that just me. I love lots of dialog. I guess it's the voyeur in me. It makes me feel like I'm right in there, where the action is.

The sex scene was perfect. As for the person who said it never fit into the story, tell them all their taste is in their mouth and to go back to reading “Illustrated Classics,” for they know not of what they speak.

Rumple, everyone's idea of 'perfect sex' is different. So don't go getting all parochial on us, and I promise I won't go asking the pertainent question.

My nuts n’ aches drop off quickly after this point.

Should I really ask?

The opening paragraph was strong with a good hook.

Yes, I agree. It had me wanting to read more, but I had a problem by the time I had finished reading.

It was the number of unanswered questioned that miffed me. I still have no idea what 'The Night Gathering" is or was. Some kind of ceremony, something supernatural when he turns into a wolf perhaps? How did his leg get broken, exactly? Was it in that 'fateful crash two days ago", or some thing else? I have a feeling it is something else. What was the crash anyway? How and why did he disappear when he came out to where she was sleeping? Did she dream it? Why didn't he want to fuck her? Why was he so reluctant? Why was she so keen? Why was his father so evil? If his father was so evil, why did he kept his hide? And, probably not of any importance, but what exactly is "truck with the woman"? I love a little mystery and intrigue, but I need a few more hints to put the whole thing together.

Maybe I just don't' want to have to think too hard when read? You know how you see those clueless crosswords in the newspaper? That's what this felt like. Ok, some people really enjoy those.

Did you guess before you got to it?

No I didn't guess the wolf pelt on the chair was his father, although his golden eyes, flaring nostrils, and his hair all gave him a wolf-likeness that hinted the story may be heading in a supernatural direction. His howling, his salivating - oh boy I liked those ones!

The sex? Mmm...nice, very nice, I have to tell you when I read about teeth scrapping and biting there are teeth marks on my knuckles. I'm such a sick little bunny, I love rough edged sex..

Did the title have any meaning?

Not for me, but maybe for others.

They have names with meanings.

As for the names having meaning, well I missed those, but that's not to say other will also. Like Rumple when I think of Mariah, I think of the song about the wind too. When I saw the name Wring explained, I could see it, but I wouldn't have picked up on it otherwise.

Believability?

But it's a fantasy?

A note: This is way old and my punctuation sucked. I've learned my lesson, thanks.

I had a little chuckle when I read this, since I never noticed anything wrong. So please excuse any/all punctuation mishaps here on my post.

Finally, you got over one hundred feedbacks? I have just one thing to say about that... WOH!

I hope this is what you were asking for when you requested a discussion rather than feedback.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem).

 

[Just_John1]

An entertaining read

KM,

I have to agree with RF regarding a little more character development for Mariah, (ps I had NO idea what Mariah meant until I read it here, perhaps this is why I missed some of the character development. I'm showing my ass here aren't I?). I think the characteristics of Mariah lead us to plausible suspension of belief. IMHO (thank you Rumple for explaning what that meant) plausible suspension of belief is a main difference between that which really draws the reader in and that which is perhaps skimmed and is more difficult to create for the discerning reader.

I didn't understand enough about Mariah to be able to suspend belief until later in the story. The latter half of the story was animalistic and really drew the reader into the conclusion sentence. Great craftsmanship.

JJ1

 

[the_bragis]

JJ1,

Ok, I don't care about appearing ignorant for the sake of satisfying my curiousity.

I think the characteristics of Mariah lead us to plausible suspension of belief.

What characteristics, and how?

Alex.

 

[Just_John1]

My point exactly

I think that was what I was trying to illustrate Alex. I didn't say it well but I struggled to suspend belief because I didn't understand how a woman would put herself in that situation. I thought that the character development of the male prtogagonist in this story was well done and comprehensive but I felt that I needed a little character development in the female character to understand why she would put herself in this position, and why she would react so favorably to his caresses. In my experience, putting a hand on a woman while she's asleep is worthy of hazardous duty pay, sometimes worth the effort but most times a painful experience. I thought, in this story, that the suspension of belief was based on the character development of the female.

A counter point that continually runs through my head though, is that I developed a character in my head that helped me to suspend belief... so I guess you could say that the lack of character development may have acutally helped me...

Oh shit... Am I running for office??? all of sudden I seem to sound like a politician, talking in circles.

 

[Guest]

Collectively, I thought the story line was intriguing for 'The Gathering'. I was pulled in from the very first paragraph. I wanted to read the story and read it to the end.

I was able to identify with Wring's POV throughout the story as I found his character development be more 'intimate' rather than Mariah's. I think that lack of development on her part is the reason I felt lost in the POV transitions and had to back up and re-read a few sentences to figure out who's head I was in.

Also, as Alex mentioned there are a few unanswered questions I found bothersome. They made me feel like I needed to know them before reading this story to begin with.

Any way that's my 2¢ as a reader.


neonurotic

 

[abashed-dreamer]

KM:

"DO NOT GIVE FEEDBACK

The purpose of this exercise is to discuss a story, it's merits, what's good with it, what's bad with it,"

Sorry, it's big and it's red, but I don't know what you could mean that we're NOT to do--- we're to discuss the merits and demerits, what's verboten? "It moved me" "I cummed good"?

 

[wildsweetone]

an interesting idea killermuffin, however

I would prefer to be asked BEFORE any story of mine was brought into the SDC, common courtesy I think.

Now, with regard to 'The Gathering Night' in my opinion, and knowing i am NOT a literary buff...

This is a piece of writing with many questions. Yes, that's a good thing and something I myself like to read.

I would prefer to read the full version though. What you have here doesn't appear to be a complete story in itself and I think it's because there is an overabundance of unanswered questions. There is a fine line between leaving some things to the reader's imagination/wondering, and leaving too much.

just my thoughts

 

[jon.hayworth]

I know that I have only participated on this forum recently. I saw the note about lack of response to The Earl's story and decided to join in.

The idea of giving Literary Critique as opposed to feedback sounds good, but it does also pose a problem - the issue of "what is in it for me?". Participation does not lead to being given positive critique of one's own work, you may care to monitor the participation level.

"Stories will be chosen by me. If you have a story of someone else's that you'd like to see discussed, PM me with it."

In this paragraph you seem to imply people cannot put forward their own work - maybe you would like to clarrify whether this is the case or not.

Now to "The Gathering Night"

When I read it my mind was taken back to a Jack London story I read in the '60s - but I do not know why.

The meaning carried by the name WRING eluded me - this may be a cultural thing. (the only thing I can think of is twisted - as in wringing out wet clothes)

MARIAH is a Gaelic name of either Irish or Scottish origin. Now as Celt Mythology is filled with "Shapeshifters" albeit usually in the form of HARES rather than Wolves. And Celt Mythology is full of the tales of Celtic heroes impregnating women in their sleep. I saw in the story a need to suspend belief and accept the givens without question, on the basis that this was a modernised Celt Myth.

I thought in the references to Wring's hair there was adequate but not overdone foreshadowing.

I presumed that the Gathering and the date tied in with a lunar date when this Werewolf would be at the peak of his animal lifecycle, and he and fellow Werewolves gathered.

To be honest, (this is subjective as ultimately all literary criticism has to be), this story was not of the genre that suits my tastes. Having said that, on first read through, it left me kicking myself for the foreshadowing clues that I had picked up and rejected.

I hope that this is the style of critique you wanted.

jon

 

[dr_mabeuse]

First of all, I think this is a great idea, KM, and I applaud you for it.

I would like to see one alteration though. I think it would be a very good idea if you notified the author of the story before posting it for criticism and let them write a little preface (should they desire) explaining what they were trying to do in the piece. You can only fairly judge writing by comparing it to the author's goals. I know that a lot of stuff I have posted here is basically plotless sex scenes, and I would hate to be taken to task for lack of plot when plot was never in my mind in the first place


I figured he was a wewrwolf when I read the part about his thinking he still had 23 days or however long it was.

I don't think it was character development so much as it was basic unbelievability of motive, and not because he was a wolf. He was, basically, a very unlikeable person, gruff, rude, with no redeeming feature that I could see. She was obviously self-sufficient and fairly string to go around working as a ranch hand, so why should she suddenly go tiptoing into his bedroom in her undies? Because he came out and gave her a lick while she weas sleeping with her ass in the air? That would give me the creeps. He didn't seem to be the kind of guy I would want to share a bed with, were I of the female persuasion.

Mariah I got when you tied her name to the wind. Wring: all I could think of was W.C. Fields: "I'd like to wring your scrawny little neck. Wash it first, then wring it." If you wanted a name that would presage the wolfiness, why "Wring"? Why not "Klaw" or "Nash" or "Rend"? The gathering Night I took to mean the darkness that haunts him and that manifests in the full moon. Usually, in my opinion, if you're conscious of a symbol, though, it doesn't work that well.

The idea of setting a werwolf story in Wyoming was very good, and at the start you tied the setting to the theme of the piece with the wildness of the wind. I would have liked to see more of the country brought into the story.

I guess you gave him the injured leg to show that he really was desperate wnough for help on the ranch to hire a woman, but the injury gives the lie to all the talk of his invulnerability and predatory grace. And I don't know how he pads around the cabin with that thing on his leg. I also noticed that it disappeared during the sex scene.

The metaphor about him adjusting his hands on the crutches the same way a wolf adjusted its paws on ice didn't work for me. I had to read it twice, and I knew it was a hint of wolfiness.

Transitions: Were not good. You didn't give us a feeling of closure of one scene or a feeling of opening on the new scene. For instance when she's going to sleep you could have just told us that she fell asleep and that would have closed that scene. When you switched to town, setting the scene a little: "The cafe sat in the..." before moving on to the people inside.


The cafe scene confused me a lot. I too got mixed up with the old guy sitting on the stool. I also thought that Mariah must work there, even though you put in that aside about the car crash (what was that?) And the idea of a woman working as a ranch hand was so unexpected that I could have used a little preparation. There's a word missing from a sentence where the waitress tells her "If you're looking for a [blank], he's the one to see" or something. Kind of an important word.

Also: why is he thinking that the woman didn't shut up for an hour after going to bed when we don't know that. TYhe last time we saw Mariah, she was ready to go to sleep. What, did she suddenly start blabbing away about her life and times or something? I reeally thought that Wring was talking about a different woman who was there that we hadn't seen yet.

I aslo thought grandfather was livingthere. Don't know why.

"The same part of him that had been in his father" I'm embarrassed to say this, but i though Wring must have had an incestuous homosexual relationship with his father and was talking about his penis.

Why did the sex seem gratuitous? First of all, as I said, I couldn't believe the characters' motivation for doing it. Far as I could see, there was no attraction between them, and both were pretty unsexy. Second, the sex wasn't necessary to the story. Although the lovemaking was filled with wolf imagery, it did nothing really to alter anything in the story. It wasn't as if she suddenly fell in love with him.

Finally: words. "brazen prairie": I think "brazen" used to mean made of bronze, but it is used so often now to mean nervy or bold that it caught and stopped my eye.

"Mariahsicle"? The last thing you want at this point is humor.

Biting her "tendon that runs from neck to shoulder" Ugghhh! No one bites my tendons, I'll tell you that. Tendons are those thin strong cords like you have behind your knee or that you can see stand out in some people's necks when they grimace. I think you meant the big muscle between neck and shoulder, the trapezius, a fine place for kisses and bites.

Other than these cavils, I think you did an excellent job with a difficult story.

---dr.M.

 

[johnloren]

I am a new writer, or attempting to be. This format is helpful to me as I go through the edit, polishing and re-write. Reading the comments points out possible weaknesses in my own efforts. Thank you for making this available. My comments are based on my subjective opinions, of likes and dislikes of this story.

What I liked about the story was the mystery that was created, what was going to happen next. As a reader I was given so many clues to wonder about. Yet the story did not flow smoothly, it was a better read the second time through. This is not what I as the reader want, satisfaction and enjoyment are the desired goals. and what you should feel at the end of the story.

The main charaters, Miriah and Wring both have more mystery then substance to them. Wring is the personification of an amimal,which can be enough to be able to visualize and get to know, even if you don't like him. Miriah seems to be, a helpless girl who cannot hold a job, down on her fortunes and desperate enough to do what is required to survive. After that we learn very little about her and as a result never decide if we like her or not.

The interaction between the two main characters, didn't seem to work for me. The overal effect of the story is a question mark.

 

[bridgeburner]

Hope I've got this right....

I'm also unsure of the difference between discussion and feedback so I'll just blunder gamely forward and wait to get smacked on the nose if I transgress.


I knew by the third paragraph that Wring was a werewolf. Perhaps this is because I have quite a few stories and books of this genre in my shelves. Hard to say how soon I would've guessed if I didn't have prior experience. In any event, because I knew already, a lot of the foreshadowing struck me as a bit heavy-handed. I also guessed immediately that the wolf pelt was the father's carcass.

The transitions from place to place and POV to POV were confusing so I got lost a couple of places and had to re-read. It only occurred to me on the third read-through that maybe Wring got hit by the car that Sally was in when she had her accident? Although cars don't chew, I suppose.

Unlike every other person who read this I found Mariah to be a much more accessible character than Wring. Perhaps it's because she's a female. Rightly or wrongly (I'd bet money on wrongly) I can easily assume I know more about her simply because we share gender. Not a good thing for an author to count on by way of character development, but for myself it was less bothersome than for others. I did want to know how in the world she'd managed to be fired from no less than 50 jobs, particularly in such a remote place. I wouldn't have expected there were even 50 positions to be fired from and what kind of an irresponsible screw-up do you have to be to get fired that often?


There's too much reliance on the "curse" of lycanthropy being understood. Wring hates his existence, hates his evil father, despairs for his ranch blah blah blah but we don't really know why. What's specifically not to like about being a werewolf? Did he kill somebody? Did he lose something because of his affliction? What has it really cost him? Why was his dad evil but not his grandfather? Too too much stock brooding tortured hero here to make him real......and Wring makes me think Wing so I keep seeing him as Chinese. I'm just perverse that way.

This is another reason why I think Mariah is more accessible. I don't really know much about her, but I know what it's like to need a job and to have few prospects. That's something that a lot of people can identify with. Being a werewolf is not, so we're more cut off from Wring.


The sex was only slightly precipitate for me. I think it would've been more plausible had there been more buildup of sexual tension. As it is, there is almost none. We know that Wring can smell her and is aware of her, but it doesn't feel largely or even specifically sexual. For all I know he wants to eat her and not in a fun way. I get annoyance, disgust, frustration and anger but I don't get much lust off him. Mariah has at least noticed that his eyes are compelling.

I liked the sex scene and I have to shamefacedly admit that the idea of a hot man standing over me bluntly announcing that he's going to fuck me makes my mouth water and my legs go weak. While I agree that the missing cast is sloppy from a writerly standpoint I have to say that I was glad not to have to dodge it in bed. Why give him a cast? Why not just a substantial bandage?

I think I'm doing it, aren't I? Giving input rather than discussing? I'm finding it a bit hard, though. Discussion is for ideas or concepts and I don't think this is the kind of story that's supposed to be providing those things. It doesn't seem to be about the conflict of good and evil, or man against nature or man or himself to any great philosophical degree. It could be, but it would need to be either a longer story or a differently written story.

I was put somewhat in mind of Linda Howard and Susan Krinard's writings. Howard is the better writer, but despite some truly wretched offerings Krinard also has a couple good ones. When on their game they have a talent for conveying personality while not giving too many details too soon -- allowing the reader to feel as if he knows a character while still keeping the secrets of his past or present under wraps.

How might that be accomplished with this story? I think rather than by adding we might strip away somethings. What's truly important and what's getting in the way and generating more questions than answers? Sally, the old man, the whole cafe scene, the evil-ness of father, none of these things is really all that pertinent. Wring can be wary of and disturbed by the temptation that Mariah represents without ever having to bring his father into it. We could open in the cabin with them in separate beds thinking about one another and how they came to be there.

crap, now I really AM doing it. I'm sure of it, so I'll stop. All in all I found the story interesting but it either needs to be stripped down or expanded into a full length novella. It's awkward in its current state.