Story Discussion: 'Siblings and Lovers Ch. 01' by LaRascasse on 19th September 2011

[LaRascasse]

http://www.literotica.com/s/siblings-and-lovers-ch-01
I would like some feedback and comments on this story (and others in the series). Constructive criticism is welcome and if you have any ideas or suggestions going forward, PLEASE send them my way <sudreamer@gmail.com>. You can put the comments here or as comments under the story itself. I look forward to them.
Regards
-LaRascasse

 

[lovecraft68]

Well I commented on the story itself, but will do so here as well. I thought the ending was refreshing. Although this is of course a fantasy site, I find it a bit redundant that siblings just fall together as easy as

"Hey sis how 'bout it?"

"Ummm, hey okay, now let me suck your cock."

The fact that the brother was (at least on the surface) appalled by his sister's advances and even wondered what he had done wrong was a great touch. In most series the fucking starts quick and ch. 2 is more of the same.

With this story there really is a reason to look forward to reading more.

 

[LaRascasse]

That was the point to keep it real with atleast some plausibility. Ch03 is submitted, hopefully will be up tomorrow.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi LaRascasse,

I realize it was inadvertent, but you appear to have bypassed the queue, but since the queue was empty anyway, it's just an fyi and not really an issue.

Now, on to your story...

Remember how boring history could be in school? Well, it's not any more fun in a story. So my foremost suggestion would be to cull most of the exposition. I think you are simply telling the reader far too much, more so early in the tale. It's ok for the reader to not know why a character behaves in a certain manner, especially in the beginning. For instance, how might the reader's experience be different if Dana looks in that mirror and asks, "Why do you keep dreaming that stuff? What is wrong with you?" without any additional explanation about her dream or her lingering longings?

Exposition can also be an action killer. Consider this excerpt in italics, in particular the bold paragraph:
"So, what plans have you got today, Kyle? Want to see a movie together? Ever since you moved to the big city we hardly spend any time together," she said, putting on her best fake pout.

Kyle was working in New York as an interior decorator and had earned enough money to get a small apartment.

"I wish I could, but I have to see a client's house. There's a big renovation job on offer. Beside, you'll be joining me in New York soon enough, and then we'll spend all the time we have together," Kyle said as he poured himself some juice. "You just keep doing whatever that Economics thing you're doing here is, and we'll be together soon enough," he said, giving her a typically charming wink.

Notice how even this little information dump breaks the flow? It's rarely a good idea to stop the action and explain anything to your reader, but especially so in this case since you did such a good job of working it into the conversation that Kyle has left home- which is all we really needed to know anyway. On a far more minor note, is Kyle's paragraph a wee bit clunky? Why?

He knew she had been fascinated with martial arts and ...
That's another break in the action, but it's also a mid-scene viewpoint shift, which is arguably worse. If this is Dana's story, I think you probably should have stayed with her. A bit more on this topic later.

Tangent question: Did you intend a bit of role reversal- she studies martial arts and he's an interior decorator?

My interest waned soon afterward because I thought it apparent that the siblings wanted one another and there didn't appear to be anything for them to overcome. Silly me, huh? But it does go to show a bit how reader trust works, or doesn't.

So, yeah, Kyle's rejection of Dana's advance was a breath of fresh air. It's the moment of the story and for me, you really pulled it off.

Her response is ever so realistic. If you wanted to switch your point of view character, then right after she takes those pills- that's when to switch. Maybe his response is realistic too, but I really want to read stories where the characters earn the right to be together, and this resolution just didn't do it for me. Still, it was different, generally believable, and you did surprise me, so good job there! Your command of the language is fine too; I only noticed a single English issue and it was just a typo.

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[LaRascasse]

Thanks Penelope,

I am curious, what did you think of the Chapter 2 ending? It suddenly hit me while I was about to give it to my editor, so bit of a last minute addition.
Chapter 3 is up. More emphasis on the story but some hot (I hope) sex as well. I would really appreciate some feedback on that.

 

[CarlusMagnus]

I am curious, what did you think of the Chapter 2 ending? It suddenly hit me while I was about to give it to my editor, so bit of a last minute addition.
Chapter 3 is up. More emphasis on the story but some hot (I hope) sex as well. I would really appreciate some feedback on that.

I haven't gotten to Chapter 3 yet. I enjoyed Chapter 1, but I found Chapter 2 disturbing because their sexual relationship is rooted in extortion: If he won't, she'll kill herself. I hope you've resolved that tension in Chapter 3, or that you plan to do so in a future chapter.

 

[LaRascasse]

No extortion.

She feels possessive about him but after the CH2 ending, all that disappears. Now all that they have left is each other. So, it's more out of abject loneliness, fear and desperation that they go on with their relationship.

 

[Penelope Street]

I am curious, what did you think of the Chapter 2 ending? It suddenly hit me while I was about to give it to my editor, so bit of a last minute addition.

I stopped reading when they kissed in hospital, so I didn't get to the end of the chapter. I don't believe the average person reading this category wants to be reminded of this kind of thing, so if your goal is to arouse, then my opinion is you'd have been better off not going there. If you want to use a tragic historical event in a love story (and especially so in a lust story) then I'd suggest picking an event that happened a long time ago. Think about why Titanic worked, and how it might not have had the event been much fresher in everyone's psyche.

I haven't gotten to Chapter 3 yet. I enjoyed Chapter 1, but I found Chapter 2 disturbing because their sexual relationship is rooted in extortion: If he won't, she'll kill herself.

This is kinda what I was getting at when I said the resolution just didn't do it for me. While I never imagined she originally intended to blackmail her brother into a sexual relationship, she doesn't say anyting like, "Don’t worry brother, I won't try to kill myself again and I won't have you in any sexual way unless it's what you really really want!" So I can see how one might argue this ends up being some manner of coercion, even if she didn't intend for it to be at first. Can you not imagine how a reader might then be unimpressed with her moral fiber?

All that said, I admire that you aimed above formula, included flawed characters, all while attempting to be different and believable. It really is a decent early effort.

 

[LaRascasse]

It wasn't exactly easy for me to remember that day either (ref: dedication at the end of ch2). I was in fifth grade at the time, in the first class of the day when it happened. Not a pleasant memory, but one I needed to get out of my system. This is why I gave it as much respect as I could.
Most of the next chapter (3) is mourning because of this event. It plays an important role in their relationship, as it replaces the sexual uneasiness with a wallowing, overwhelming grief and a new found desperation to hang on to each other.
Thank you everybody for your comments. I would appreciate the same on chapter 3 as well.
Cheers!

 

[lovecraft68]

Interesting turn of events. Again I like the twist in that you are staying away from the "fluff" that permeates the incest category. Way to many "sis looks hot so why not stories' and if not that then it is vanilla romance that falls into place all to quickly.

Chapter one did not have any dark overtones this one does. It seems as if her need for him now is more desperate.

Honestly you may lose some people here, I can tell you from experience that much of the incest crowd does not go for darkness and trajedy . However keep in mind it is your tale and if this is your vision flow with it. You will never please anyone, so instead write to please yourself you will find people who enjoy it.

I hope to get to chapter 3 this weekend.

 

[LaRascasse]

On another note, as I am sure you have noticed, I have a particular fondness for dream sequences. There the two characters talk to each other on a different plane so to speak. There is one each in the first 2 chapters. Give your opinion as to their effect (positive or negative) on the story. Don't worry, it won't become repetitive. The next dream sequence I have in mind is in the epilogue, several chapters away.

 

[theblackflame]

I agree with post #2. The brother's reaction gave this story a sense of realism that most incest stories sorely lack. Imagine, a brother not receptive to his sister's advances!

However, chapter 2 did nothing for me, not liking the 'extortion' angle. Takes away from the love she feels.

I will still most likely read three to see where it goes before moving on though.

 

[LaRascasse]

Chapter 4 is out. I would appreciate some feedback on the 3rd and 4th chapters.

This story is on hold until I can find a new editor for the subsequent chapters. If anybody is interested or can refer me to someone who is, please let me know. The volunteer editors don't seem to be in an awful hurry to get back to me.

 

[KatieTay]

I'm hardly one to comment about realism in stories, since I've opted not to have much of it in my own that are posted here, but here goes.

The quality of the writing is very high. The pacing is very good. The first chapter is well-paced provided one heeds the disclaimer and doesn't go in immediately looking for a quick fix.

I find myself having a bit of difficulty with Kyle's reaction. Doesn't strike me as entirely natural, I would've thought he'd react with simple visceral disgust first, and the rest of it - the intellectualizing about the symbolism of her seduction - would come later.

 

[LaRascasse]

I'm hardly one to comment about realism in stories, since I've opted not to have much of it in my own that are posted here, but here goes.

The quality of the writing is very high. The pacing is very good. The first chapter is well-paced provided one heeds the disclaimer and doesn't go in immediately looking for a quick fix.

I find myself having a bit of difficulty with Kyle's reaction. Doesn't strike me as entirely natural, I would've thought he'd react with simple visceral disgust first, and the rest of it - the intellectualizing about the symbolism of her seduction - would come later.

I just went with what would be my reaction in such a situation. I would definitely feel an emotional betrayal more than a visceral disgust or awkwardness.