Story Discussion: Sept 10, 2013. "Awakening" by Funinthesungirl19

[funinthesungirl19]

Hi everyone!

I just finished writing my first bit of bdsm erotica - and would love some feedback. Writing, the quality of the actual sex scenes, whether you find the protagonists lovely, or annoying - I'd appreciate all feedback.

Here are links - Chapter 5, which is an 'end' of sorts, has been submitted today, and is in the queue. It really does help to read it in order. It's more a novel than a bdsm sex scene, and the first couple of chapters provide some set-up for the sex.


http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-01-4
http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-02-6
http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-03-2
http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-04-1

Thanks much!

 

[mrfantastic432]

omg your story is amazing!! so well described!!

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I'm working through your story. I expect to have something up over the weekend. Until then, you might want to take a moment and post some specific issues that you would like to see discussed. It helps to focus the conversation.

 

[funinthesungirl19]

Thanks for the feedback, Mrfantastic!

soflabbwlvr - I'm definitely concerned about the sex scenes - I found those incredibly difficult to write, and I'm concerned that my struggles show in the writing.

Other concerns:

- Are the protagonists relatable?
- Is the premise realistic?
- I'm trying to write a bdsm-lite story, basically, a romance with bdsm elements. Am I hitting that mark?

Thanks much!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I was bored outta my mind. Its too pissy whiny and self absorbed.

 

[shybadguy]

Hi funinthesungirl,

I enjoyed it, part 4 more than the part 5 though mainly as I wanted to hear about what the female character was wearing as I loved those details in the previous scene

 

[dirtyfantasies]

I liked the build up was well paced to draw the reader in nicely!

 

[soflabbwlvr]

I was busy working on my own story and did not get back to this one as quickly as I had intended. I apologize for the delay.

First, a few notes unrelated to your actual story. In general, participants in the SDC don't tend to read multiple parts of a story prior to commenting. For that reason, it is usually best to submit a complete single chapter story for discussion. I would even go so far as to say that the stories that generate the liveliest discussions are those that are no more than 1-2 pages long. There's nothing wrong with longer stories; they just don't stimulate very many responses in this forum.

Also, the SDC is designed to be an author driven discussion. That means that you, the author, need to develop the issues that you want to see discussed. Your first post did not do that at all. Your second post does, and I will address those points.

I'm definitely concerned about the sex scenes - I found those incredibly difficult to write, and I'm concerned that my struggles show in the writing.

I think you did well with the sex scenes. Your strength is in the build up, but you pulled off the sex acts well enough. Your descriptions were rather spare for my taste, but that is just me. I prefer more more more, but I'm not every reader. There are other readers who like less description than I do, so I do not fault for you for the choices you made. If that is a style with which you are comfortable, then go with it.

- Are the protagonists relatable?

That's a good question. For me, not so much. But that doesn't mean you failed. I don't know that I could possibly relate to a 21 year old woman, at least not now. I found Maya interesting. I was invested in her journey. But could I place myself in her shoes? No. That probably says more about me, however, than about your story.

I had an even more difficult time with Ryan. Ryan just seemed like too much of a fantasy man for me. Rich, good looking, the rogue with a secret wild-side--a little too cliche for me. Is that a problem? Probably not. This is a female fantasy story, so who would that fantasy appeal to? I'm not your target audience. I suspect those people did get him.

- Is the premise realistic?

I bought it. Not at first, so much, but upon further reflection it didn't seem too exaggerated. An inexperienced young woman gets out of her first sexual relationship and wonders why it wasn't sexually fulfilling. A lot of women struggle with sexual issues, and it makes sense that this would be an issue particularly relevant to a younger woman. So yes, I did find that part of the premise wholly believable.

Now, was it a stretch that she chose to test her sexuality by engaging in a BDSM relationship with the older, sexy, dangerous, mysterious pseudo-family member on whom she has had a crush for most of her life? A little, I suppose--but not enough to make it unreadable. Most girls her age would probably try another guy her own age, but then she risks another fumbling boy spoiling the efficacy of her experiment. The older, experienced man is a much better choice, so ultimately that part also makes sense.

- I'm trying to write a bdsm-lite story, basically, a romance with bdsm elements. Am I hitting that mark?

If that was your goal, then I would say you succeeded. I think you wrote the Cliff's Notes version of 50 Shades. I haven't read that book, but the premise sounds similar to what you produced in a couple hundred fewer pages.

I don't read Romance and I am not interested in BDSM, so I was clearly not your target audience. I read all five chapters because you write well. Your text is clean and free of common errors like bad punctuation, typos, and misspellings. That made it easy to read. More than that, you also do a good job of conveying Maya's emotions. That kept me interested. The one major point that I would criticize is the Patricia issue. You brought it up, but never explored it. I would have liked to see how that tied in to Ryan's sexual preferences, rather than just using it as an excuse for his aloofness.

Overall, you have a well-written story. I look forward to seeing more from you.

 

[funinthesungirl19]

Many thanks!

Soflabbwlvr - thank you, thank you so very much. I'm really very grateful - you took time to read all five chapters, and then answer all my questions in detail. I know how much time that takes, and I'm incredibly appreciative you took the time to answer.

The Patricia issue will be answered in later chapters (the story's still being written, but there's definitely a story line there.) If you'd like to keep reading, future chapters (those posted so far) are here:

http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-06
http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-07
http://www.literotica.com/s/awakening-ch-08

Cheers!

 

[Pure]

some comments

fun, i read the first parts of your story.

you said, Writing, the quality of the actual sex scenes, whether you find the protagonists lovely, or annoying - I'd appreciate all feedback.

i think the writing is pretty clear and accurate.

i think it's written for women, so i'll try to stay in that frame. it is, as you say a kind of romance with explicit Sm scenes--lite-- designed to turn on the woman reader.

1)
my first comment is that you'd do well to have more story-like elements, in particular, surprise and tension. your scenes do not have delays: she approaches him at the pool, essentially "come to the hot tub." in the hot tub, she puts he hand on his thigh and more or less says, 'fuck me' and he says, 'fine, tonight.'

you have to build things up. have delays and side trackings.


2a) other than his body, you give the reader little about 'him'. if you remember 50S, there is LOTS about the guy. as you know women readers are going to be imagining him. more is needed than about his abs. and as per 1), there should be things hinted or mysterious. "you look handsome and i'd like you to fuck me" is too straightforward.

2b) the young woman comes across are rather pushy and controlling. i doubt that a serious top would like to be told when to stick his cock in, and that sort of thing. the spanking is pro forma and hardly sufficient
for her degree of lippiness and attempts to top. the female lead (in a romance), also, generally has some hesitations and fears; i don't see any. "you want to do me, s/m style? well, i don't know much, but go ahead, be my guest." "i will." they do.

note: i'm not saying make her less pushy, but if she should be encountering some serious flack and discipline if that's so.

3) i got to the first sex scene and it was ok, but it suffers because of lack of tension and delay.


it seems like you have command of the language. you have to think of what will engage women readers. to engage any reader you have to make her or him wonder, "what's coming next?" everything about the first fuck in ch 3 is predictable. so yes, if one wants to read the description, one will proceed to 3, from 2. but there should be more driving things forward.

well, i'm sure you can write a story-- maybe not this one-- and add the missing essential ingredients.

i didn't finish the story. perhaps some things work out contrary to my impressions, but these are offered for what they're worth.

best,
pure
mod.