Story Discussion: May 19, 2009 - by regularguynsac

[regularguynsac]

Hello all.

I have 3 parts complete and on the site. They can be found here. I am looking for the following information given this is my first story.

A. Does it work? Does the surprise factor play out well, is it too much or not enough?

B. The characters, how do they come across?

3. Constructive criticism in general. I am trying to improve my writing over all.

The sections are fairly short, about 1 list page in length each.

Thank you in advance.

Here is the link to the story sections. I know the title bites.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=947718&page=submissions

Sam

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi regularguynsac,

Thanks for sharing your first story with us.

Does it work? Does the surprise factor play out well, is it too much or not enough?
Whether it works depends on what you meant to achieve. I can't say that I was ever surprised in any way- for the most part this story went right where I expected it to go.

The characters, how do they come across?
I never quite decided if Sam's behavior is due to his reverence for Amanda or latent bisexual desires that he can't bring himself to act out on his own or something else entirely. Any of these can work, but not knowing his motivation kept me at a distance. Similarly, I don't know why Amanda wants Sam, though this is less of an issue since she's not the central character. Steve seems to be just a body part that happens to be attached to a human.

Constructive criticism in general. I am trying to improve my writing over all.
At least it's readable; that alone makes it a good effort, though it's hardly free from novice missteps. No big surprise- most of us make similar mistakes at first. Of these, the one I noticed most often was classic telling instead of showing, often combined with redundancy.


Examples of telling:

The lady was stunning.

She is amazingly beautiful.

Notice how we still know virtually nothing about the lady's appearance?


Example of showing:

She wore a black dress that wrapped her body like a second skin. The neckline was nearly to her navel and did little to hide her ample breasts. Her hair was a deep red and piled high on her head. As he took in her shoes he had to catch his breath. They weren't especially high, it was the black buckle around her ankles that took his mind soaring.

This description might be a little long and the 'second skin' bit borders on cliche- but it's still a vivid image and so much better than just saying she's stunning.

She looked at him a little longer than one would expect. She peeked into his lap as she placed his plate on the table. He was sure he'd heard her make a knowing sound.

Here's another clunky paragraph. The middle sentence is fine, but what do the surrounding pair add? How long did she look? What is a knowing sound?

Before he realized he was moving, his hand was in the pocket. He retrieved the loose end of the leash and handed it to her.

This is a major moment, perhaps the moment, and it's over just like that? Shouldn't he think about this? I get the impression he's just going to do whatever she says, which is kind of boring, plus I'm not convinced I will ever really understand his motivation.

He couldn't help but follow.

All the things she'd coerced him into saying.

Along with the previous excerpt, these two lines led me to believe Sam has no spine. Was that your intention? I hope not, because invertibrates are just plain not sexy.

She'd planned this moment for months. She knew that the first thing she would have her new slave do was suck Steve's cock. In her mind, it was the best way to set the stage for the rest of the weekend. If Sam made it through this, she was sure she'd have no trouble taking everything she wanted from him and more.

This is Sam's story, or at least it has been so far, so why are we in Amanda's head? Perhaps even more of an issue, her thoughts suggest that this initial blowjob is to be his biggest challenge. If so, what is the source of tension going forward?

He was suddenly recalling all of the fantasies he'd shared with her. All the things she'd coerced him into saying. All of his deep dark secrets laid before her. All of this came rushing back in an instant.

Did you mean to start three sentences in a row with 'All'?


It's easy to forget (though sometimes I wish it could be easier) that many so-called stories on this site are just scenes. At least this tale features a character that undergoes a change in his life. And, even if there might be few glitches, your command of the language made the action easy to follow. So, while I found the plot predictable, the characters shallow, and the writing awkward- I'm still impressed; for an initial story, this isn't half-bad. Ok, maybe it is half-bad, but at least the other half is good.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[regularguynsac]

Awesome Feedback. Thank you.

Wow. I really appreciate the time you took to review and respond.

Much appreciated.

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

Hello all.

I have 3 parts complete and on the site. They can be found here. I am looking for the following information given this is my first story.

A. Does it work? Does the surprise factor play out well, is it too much or not enough?

B. The characters, how do they come across?

3. Constructive criticism in general. I am trying to improve my writing over all.

The sections are fairly short, about 1 list page in length each.

Thank you in advance.

Here is the link to the story sections. I know the title bites.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=947718&page=submissions

Sam

I am commenting without reading anyone else's in advance, so I apologize if I repeat advice already mentioned.

Overall thoughts (which answers your third question):

• Watch your tenses. I noticed some places where you shifted from past to present and back to past.
• Use more active verbs. It's something I have an issue with in my own writing as well. Your story will be stronger if you get rid of the "to be" verbs such as were, had, been, etc.
• Limit the use of the word "that". This is another issue I also struggle with. Most of the time "that" can be removed, and the sentence will still read the same.
• Watch word repetition. I noticed many words repeated throughout consecutive sentences (especially pronouns.)

On to your questions:

I wasn't surprised at all. By the detailed description of the couple entering the restaurant, I guessed immediately she would be the woman he was there to meet.

I'm not seeing much depth in the characters. There is nothing to pull me in. Sam seems kind of wishy washy as if he is just going along with the flow because Amanda tells him to and not because he has a passion for being a sub. Steve is cardboard. He has no dimension at all.

You've got the basis for a good story here. As it stands, it's stroke with no real story. If you went back and revised it to include more back story about what happened before the initial contact and got more into Sam's head, you would have a better story.

For a first effort, it's not too bad. You've got the mechanics for the most part (grammar was okay, spelling was fine, quotations were correct). Now you need to work on fine-tuning (which is a continual thing that all writers do regardless of how good they are). Put some meat into your characters. Show us their motivations. Reveal their emotions. Don't just tell us they are nervous or scared. Show us.

For example:

Sam felt nervous as Amanda tugged on the cock leash.

That's telling.

Sam's right leg jittered up and down, and beads of sweat popped out on his forehead as Amanda tugged on the leash.

That's showing.

Keep in mind, that most of us were in your shoes at one time or another. We've all had our first story, and more than likely, we all were told how much we needed to work on fine-tuning. You've got potential. You obviously are willing to learn since you came here to have your story critiqued, so take what's been said and put it toward your writing. Use it to your advantage, and you'll find you will improve with every story.

 

[Pure]

notes

first, thanks for being so brave as to submit your story for critique. welcome!

this is an sm story of a fellow's first submission and giving himself to a beautiful mistress' service, one whom he met on the 'net; a main element is her "forcing" him to gay sex with hubby.

A. Does it work? Does the surprise factor play out well, is it too much or not enough?

i didn't feel much surprise as the woman's intentions to have him suck off her hubby were evident very early on. i think the story would have to be differently constructed for that to be a surprise, i.e. have hubby NOT at the meeting [and maybe her marriage not mentioned], but just turn up during a session at the house. you would have to mislead the reader a bit. for instance if in the initial meeting the woman said [among other things], "ok, i understand one of your limits is gay stuff. is that right?"

B. The characters, how do they come across?

I'd say only amanda begins to be a character, and more could be fleshed out; in ways, she appears as a wife whose primary goal is for the guy to gratify her hubby.

you mostly did not let the reader very far into the sub's mind, though one nice phrase sticks, that his manhood was seeping out (i.e. away). there is little info about the sub's reactions during his first bj. i could see an element of psychic trauma involved, but there are few signs of such.


btw, i don't see how a cock could yield a mouthful of precum.

3. Constructive criticism in general. I am trying to improve my writing over all.

Well, the writing is clear enough, and you give the reader lots of details of what happens to the sub. your sense of detail comes through, well. now you have to consider other matters, to improve.

I'm going to suppose your intended audience is, at least in part, males, esp. ones fantasizing or thinking about becoming subs. (i can only speculate whether the story would interest a dominant woman, but i suspect the lack of the sub's character and problem B., below, may be serious impediments.)

To reach this audience, you'd have to get more into the sub's head; perhaps some background. There would have to be more richness in describing the events. IOW, he's pretty much just showing compliance, even though it's clear you want him to be affronted and humiliated (i think?). if you choose not to get into his head, the mix could be indicated, e.g. if his throat is penetrated enough to cause gagging.

A. i think you have to think about *story*. basically, he decides to submit to this mistress, and then she has him do a, b, c, which he does without much difficulty. compare this to the plotline of the 'story of O'; which turns on the classic 'more than she bargained for' idea. IOW there is, in the classic, an element of surprise both for the protagonist and for the reader.

this is general problem of porn: to take a straight case, man meets woman on the subway and sparks fly; they go to her place and do x,y, and z. of course her beautiful girlfriend comes by and the three do a, b and c.
this example is a simple reliance on graphic details to succeed. it's really not a story, as such, being somewhat of the nature of a list.


B. as to sm in particular: you haven't avoided the main pitfall of such an story: having the sub catered to, and of course, the reader. this was particularly evident when you had her pour champagne over her clit and into his mouth [not exactly sure how this is accomplished, with a kneeling man]. the ending, getting a partial fuck in her pussy is of the same ilk.

another area you might want to suggest is a relationship between the sub and his mistress.

definitely keep up with writing and further develop the story telling skills on top of your mastery of english prose.

 

[regularguynsac]

Thank you all for the replies. I've been unable to login lately but I've been writing and will have to review since reading the posts here.

Love the input. Its nice to see people being helpful in an anonymous forum.

Thanks again.

Sam