Story Discussion Group

[graceanne]

Ok, here's the official thread. If you have a story you want read either PM me or Snowy Calista. In your email you need to put the name of your story and a link to it. Your story does not necessarily have to be posted on Literotica. It can be on another site. Once a week we will put put up the link to the story and the author. When the week is over, we'll put up another story.

One big thing though that me and SC agreed on, which is no name calling or bashing of the author. This is a discussion thread on the story, not the author. So everyone please play nice, ok?

 

[MissTaken]

Be sure that if you are posting the work of another author, you have their permission to do so.

We have had difficulties in the past with story discussion threads for that reason. Some authors don't want their work analyzed and in particular, in teh fashion that some posters will do it.

It is best to simply post your own work for discussion, or have the author post their own work for you.

Have fun and take care,

MissT

 

[graceanne]

I was planning on it. I'm not gonna start a discussion on anyone's story without them pming me or snowy calista and telling us that they want their story put up. Frankly, I don't want to cause problems or hurt anyone feelings or anything. I just thought this'd be a good way for people to get their stories read.

Also, I like helpful critiqueing. It makes me a better writer. I mean, I like it when someone writes me and says "good story. do more" but that's not helpful. So I figured that other authors would too. Frankly, I'll know pretty soon if anyone's interested, cause if no one PM's me or snowy, then I'll drop it.

 

[MissTaken]

No problem.

I think it would be interesting to have BDSM stories discussed here, more than they have been.

It is difficult to get going, though.

You could try posting a link to this thread in the Author's Hangout. That might give you more responses or some indication as to how welcome the idea might be.

Good luck,

 

[RJMasters]

I will play

If you get going I will play. I like to analyze and submit stories. Although its hard to get torn apart, lol. I like to see if people catch certain hidden things I place in my stories that have special meaning or symbolism. Its kind of a thrill when someone says, I noticed this and could identify with it.

Anyways...Count me in.

 

[spankableBelle]

I hope that it works out for everyone that participates.

Belle

 

[FungiUg]

I'll join in as well. And in fact, I am happy to have any of my stories critiqued. I think I am improving as a writer, and some critical feedback would be appreciated.

 

[graceanne]

Here's the first author. Her name is Lady Jeanne and her story is called white collar slut. Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=150877

 

[snowy ciara]

Yes Ms. T.. We decided that we're only putting up authors who ask to be critiqued.. like the lady who PM'd grace or the Fungious One.. Or anyone who PM's either one of us..

 

[RJMasters]

Here's the first author. Her name is Lady Jeanne and her story is called white collar slut. Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=150877

Well I read the story and would like to thank Lady Jeanne for this piece. I will admit that humillation is not my bag, but I remember as I read how I winced as each level of degradation took place.

I am not sure if your were going for shock value from the opening line, but I found the beginning to hard and fast to get my mental grip around it. I like to slip into a story with a character description like sliding into a pool of water. But that is only my preference.

One thing I loved and hated was feeling the hardness of the humilation blow by blow. I loved it as I cheered silently for the woman deepest darkest desire were being met, yet because I don't like humillation I wanted to bash this fuckers face in. I guess I would have been able to get past this, if he showed any inclination that he cared even in a small way for the woman or took silent pleasure knowing that he was turning her crank.

Thank you for the ride Lady Jeanne, it was a new experience for me and hope that in part two we discover that this man's needs are exposed equally well, to balance the story.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Well I read the story and would like to thank Lady Jeanne for this piece. I will admit that humillation is not my bag, but I remember as I read how I winced as each level of degradation took place.

I am not sure if your were going for shock value from the opening line, but I found the beginning to hard and fast to get my mental grip around it. I like to slip into a story with a character description like sliding into a pool of water. But that is only my preference.

One thing I loved and hated was feeling the hardness of the humilation blow by blow. I loved it as I cheered silently for the woman deepest darkest desire were being met, yet because I don't like humillation I wanted to bash this fuckers face in. I guess I would have been able to get past this, if he showed any inclination that he cared even in a small way for the woman or took silent pleasure knowing that he was turning her crank.

Thank you for the ride Lady Jeanne, it was a new experience for me and hope that in part two we discover that this man's needs are exposed equally well, to balance the story.

Her deepest, darkest needs are indeed being met, and that you cringed at the humiliations is precisely why she keeps those needs hidden in the deepest, darkest places...she herself cringes and is maybe ashamed of her needs, but can reveal and release them with one who understands and leads her.

He agrees to her take her where she wants to go and steps into the role fully because he wishes her to have the experience she is seeking, to fulfill her desires, and it 'turns hs crank' as well to do so. Although my intent was primarily to reveal what is going on inside her head, I do need to express his view more clearly in the story - his internal perspective is virtually non-existent here...yes, my lady, I would love to humiliate you as you wish...

Thank you so much for the read and your thoughtful comments.

 

[graceanne]

You're story is very well written. The paragraphs were well spaced, and if their were any spelling or grammarical errors, I didn't notice them. You're really good with descriptive words, I could really see what was going on.

I also am not personally into that kind of humiliation stories. You say that he agreed to take her where he wants, but it seems to me, reading this story, that this was the first time. If their was an agreement, they hadn't discussed it.

On the other hand, if I were into humiliation stories, I'd love this one. You are really good at letting the reader see what's going on. You did great at describing her emotions, her confusion and arousal.

 

[LadyJeanne]

You're story is very well written. The paragraphs were well spaced, and if their were any spelling or grammarical errors, I didn't notice them. You're really good with descriptive words, I could really see what was going on.

I also am not personally into that kind of humiliation stories. You say that he agreed to take her where he wants, but it seems to me, reading this story, that this was the first time. If their was an agreement, they hadn't discussed it.

On the other hand, if I were into humiliation stories, I'd love this one. You are really good at letting the reader see what's going on. You did great at describing her emotions, her confusion and arousal.

It seems I sped into the story too quickly, thinking it would be obvious that theirs was an agreement, or maybe even an implicit recognition of each other's needs...I'm taking notes, quietly grateful for your kind words...

 

[Omni]

One thing that can help give a bit of direction is if the author adds a few questions about their story that they want opinions on.


It took me until deep into the fourth paragraph to know the elusive "You" was a he. I wonder why you do not name them?

The action descriptions are sort of out of sync. First, it is good to hook people right away and this "panting like a dog" is a good hook, however it leaves the reader wondering why/how.

(You stood up and walked to where I was kneeling on the floor panting like a dog, with my swelling tits swaying heavily under my blouse. )

Then, if she was panting like a dog this next sentence in the third paragraph would already be occurring not just happening.

(My heart started to pound loudly in my ears as my face turned red. )

Here she is suddenly sprawled on the floor. How? All he did was walk away.

(You dropped my chin and walked away from me, leaving me sprawled on the floor.)

Then abruptly she is (I knelt on the floor, waiting, as you continued to ignore me.) But one sentence back she was sprawled. That is all the further I went along this line, it gives you examples if you choose to look through the entire story.


In this sentence saying cum so many times loses is impact. A good rule of thumb is trying not to use the same descriptive words in close proximity. (“‘You’re only useful as a cumrag, or as a cumbucket with all your fuckholes available to receive my thick loads of cum,” you continued,)

I understand the shock value you are reaching for and you have done a fair job of letting us feel "her" feelings which is a great thing. But sometimes as writers we take the easier way out and throw out too many easy description words and they add up.
Things like : hard nipples; crotch; tits to name a few.


Honestly in my view and opinions are like ass holes ~lol. I think this massive breast, sagging tits theme is very over used in this story.


Omni~

 

[graceanne]

One thing that can help give a bit of direction is if the author adds a few questions about their story that they want opinions on.

Good idea.

 

[RJMasters]

I have submitted

I have submitted my first story...I think I am waiting as it is pending? For the most part you all have probably read it as I was convinced to submit the "The Exchange" story I wrote for Betticus. Hopefully it will get accepted. I also have another one written, I am just waiting on a certain someone ::CoughIDcough:: to proof it for me and edit it.

I am kinda excited, but know the story is far from perfect so I am keeping my expectations low and maybe I will be surprised.

I'll let you know when its posted.

 

[graceanne]

Re: I have submitted

I have submitted my first story...I think I am waiting as it is pending? For the most part you all have probably read it as I was convinced to submit the "The Exchange" story I wrote for Betticus. Hopefully it will get accepted. I also have another one written, I am just waiting on a certain someone ::CoughIDcough:: to proof it for me and edit it.

I am kinda excited, but know the story is far from perfect so I am keeping my expectations low and maybe I will be surprised.

I'll let you know when its posted.

Cool. Please do.

 

[InnerDarkness]

Re: I have submitted

I also have another one written, I am just waiting on a certain someone ::CoughIDcough:: to proof it for me and edit it.

Be still

 

[Pure]

Lady J,
I think your heart's in the right place and you show some acquaintance with a 'dark' area in which the lead character wishes to wallow. So the story is has a certain power, due to the continued degradation laid out in detail. That said, the "big sagging cowlike tits" idea (insult), in fact, would lose its impact if banged continually every minute, hour by hour, as in the story. The cunt smells mentioned, and the way they're used, are effective.

Despite the competent prose (spelling, grammar) there's, on the minus side, sometimes, a repetitiousness and 'purple' quality to the writing.

From a conceptual point of view, I'd quibble about this: is he mainly providing a service yielding her sexual fulfillment, or is there actually any respect in which she's pushed down or degraded further than she'd like?

Note: It's my impression that the piece is aimed to be fulsomely complimentary to some one male or to the male ego in general.
The use of second person reinforces this impression. Was this written to make a certain "Master" feel like he's "Stud of the Year"?

Good luck in your writing.

J.

 

[graceanne]

FungiUg, what story in specific would you like critiqued? Also, could you provide us with a link?

Also, someone sent me and PM asking me to put their story up. Whoever it was is trying to make their story into a screen play? I seem to have accidentally deleted it (and didn't delete the one I meant to) *rolls eyes* Could you re-pm me? Thanks