Story Discussion: Apr 2nd "A Succubus for Valentines Day" - manyeyedhydra

[manyeyedhydra]

This is a sequel of sorts (reading the first isn't necessary though) to a story I had critiqued a year back. It's another erotic horror (no surprise there!). There isn't any gore, but it is very dark. It's somewhere between 7-8,000 words and just tips onto a 3rd Lit page.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

The link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=403471

 

[manyeyedhydra]

The discussiony bit:

I was aiming for a real anti-valentine's day story. To that end I wanted to set up a sort of typically rom-com'y wish fulfilment scenario and then rip the carpet out from under the reader about halfway through. Did the story achieve this?

What did you think of the characters at the start compared to your impressions of them at the end. Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved?

Does the succubus come across as a fearsome enough monster?

I think the story is too long. I cut it down from over 9'000 words, but then couldn't work out where else to prune. I know it's too long - any suggestions for what should be trimmed?

The other thing I was slightly unhappy with was the ending. I think it's missing a crunchy last paragraph or line to wrap it up.

As usual please point out any horrible grammatical bloopers I slipped through.

Many thanks for reading.

Optional extras for those that are interested. The first story (only related in that it shares the same monster) is here:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=338347

and the original discussion here:
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=563878

I don't expect anyone to read both (I'm glad enough if you made it through the 8'000 word sequel ), but if you read the first I wouldn't mind a comparison. My thinking is I had a better plot for the Valentine's day story, but the execution of the Christmas day story was tighter. Typical horror sequel problem

Many-Eyed Hydra

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Scaly One!

I was aiming for a real anti-valentine's day story. To that end I wanted to set up a sort of typically rom-com'y wish fulfillment scenario and then rip the carpet out from under the reader about halfway through. Did the story achieve this?

For better or worse, with a title like that, I stepped off the rug before I started to read.

What did you think of the characters at the start compared to your impressions of them at the end. Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved?

The scene at the beginning where Peter's co-workers pick on him was a good little sympathy generator, but being shy isn't the same as being nice. I never believed he really loved Bobbi, so that may have been a weak point for me. So even if Peter thought he was nice and in love, I didn't see think he was either.

Unlike the your last tale about the sports fans who do little more than stumble into the wrong strip club, Peter very much deserves his fate; so I think this is a stronger story.

I loved the way you handled the explicit scene between Peter and Bobbi- with the pace of the story quickening along with his lust-filled haste. The broken doll analogy is exquisite- especially the glass eyes.

Does the succubus come across as a fearsome enough monster?

I liked the demon better than previous incarnations because she seems a little more subtle- and I'd have liked her subtler still. Why does she need to have sex with Peter? That seemed totally gratuitous. Wouldn't it have been a clever twist for her to say something like, "I'm not for you. But I am here to help you get who you really want..."

The introduction of a supernatural character is always a difficult event to present realistically, and I found this instance a bit less than absorbing and maybe cliched too, though not hideously so.

I think the story is too long. I cut it down from over 9000 words, but then couldn't work out where else to prune. I know it's too long - any suggestions for what should be trimmed?

I don't think it's too long, I might have even enjoyed a slower pace, but that's a personal thing more than a true criticism. Could it be that, instead of being too long, the story-telling might be little dense; maybe over emphasizing certain aspects, kind of like how television shows are redundant compared to movies, just in case the viewer isn't paying attention?

If you really want to trim the story, what's wrong with simply removing the pair of snippets featuring Bobbi and Greg? I don't see that they really added anything.

As usual please point out any horrible grammatical bloopers I slipped through.

There were a few typos, but none of them come to mind just now. Hopefully someone else can point them out.

There are also a few places where vagueness crept in amid otherwise vivid imagery:
Bobbi Ross was very pretty.
She flashed him an innocent looking expression.
Greg looked over to Bobbi with a warm glance.

The other thing I was slightly unhappy with was the ending. I think it's missing a crunchy last paragraph or line to wrap it up.

Would it have been even more haunting had she not taken Peter at the end, but just left him there with Bobbi in his own personal hell, maybe with a little quip about being off to fulfill someone's else's wishes? So I guess I think the ending may have too been too crunchy, if that makes sense.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Overall, I thought it was well-written and I enjoyed this tale more than the previous few we've discussed- though I think The Masterton Covenant is still the best. When you finally write the pinnacle of succubus stories, then what will you do?

Take Care,
Penny

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Hi Scaly One!

For better or worse, with a title like that, I stepped off the rug before I started to read.

Hee hee. I was thinking of trying to sneak this story into the Romance cat - just for the giggles

The scene at the beginning where Peter's co-workers pick on him was a good little sympathy generator, but being shy isn't the same as being nice. I never believed he really loved Bobbi, so that may have been a weak point for me. So even if Peter thought he was nice and in love, I didn't see think he was either.

Absolutely. That's how I wanted him to come across. He thinks he loves Bobbi, but it's really just obsessive lust. That's the flaw that allows the demon to shatter him.

I'm curious to know if anyone felt pity for him at the end, or just contempt.

I liked the demon better than previous incarnations because she seems a little more subtle- and I'd have liked her subtler still. Why does she need to have sex with Peter? That seemed totally gratuitous. Wouldn't it have been a clever twist for her to say something like, "I'm not for you. But I am here to help you get who you really want..."

The introduction of a supernatural character is always a difficult event to present realistically, and I found this instance a bit less than absorbing and maybe cliched too, though not hideously so.

She's a fun monster to write, if a little harder than my other ones. The last discussion was really good in allowing me to nail down the strict rules her character has to adhere to. Because she can't claim the soul of just anyone, it forces me to think about creating interesting moral dilemmas for her to take advantage of. Ideally she's supposed to be a corruptive influence working behind the scenes, waiting for her victims to makes the choices that will eventually damn them. Sadly, I don't quite have the subtlety yet to rattle out the stories that best make use of her character.

Hmm, the gratuitous sex. I could try to argue it's supposed to show the level of Peter's obsession as he still wants Bobbi even when presented excellent supernatural sex, but I'd be lying

If you've got a hot sex demon it seems a shame not to throw them in a gratuitous sex scene or three

The subtle approach might have made it a stronger horror tale though.

I don't think it's too long, I might have even enjoyed a slower pace, but that's a personal thing more than a true criticism. Could it be that, instead of being too long, the story-telling might be little dense; maybe over emphasizing certain aspects, kind of like how television shows are redundant compared to movies, just in case the viewer isn't paying attention?

If you really want to trim the story, what's wrong with simply removing the pair of snippets featuring Bobbi and Greg? I don't see that they really added anything.

I put those in as my attention was to let the story start with what seems like typical stock characters - the hot girl, the nice but geeky guy and the rotten boyfriend that has to be got out of the way so the hero gets the girl. I wanted the snippets to show Greg as not quite so rotten. It's a bit heavy-handed. A more skilful approach would have been to let that come through in the main story. Still working on that skill though

There were a few typos, but none of them come to mind just now. Hopefully someone else can point them out.

There are also a few places where vagueness crept in amid otherwise vivid imagery:
Bobbi Ross was very pretty.
She flashed him an innocent looking expression.
Greg looked over to Bobbi with a warm glance.

ah, me being sloppy.

Would it have been even more haunting had she not taken Peter at the end, but just left him there with Bobbi in his own personal hell, maybe with a little quip about being off to fulfill someone's else's wishes? So I guess I think the ending may have too been too crunchy, if that makes sense.

I wanted to distinguish her from a more generic faustian demon. I also like creating a sudden clash from the eroticism of sex to the shock of her 'teeth' snapping out. It's probably not as effective in this tale compared to her first outing because of the comprehensive demolition job she's already inflicted on Peter's mind.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. Overall, I thought it was well-written and I enjoyed this tale more than the previous few we've discussed- though I think The Masterton Covenant is still the best. When you finally write the pinnacle of succubus stories, then what will you do?

Rewrite them endlessly like Ann Rice and earn megabucks

I keep meaning to mine more of the Japanese craziness when it comes to monster girls for inspiration, but I always seem to come back to the bat wings and horns for some reason

Thanks for reading

 

[Penelope Street]

I'm curious to know if anyone felt pity for [Peter] at the end, or just contempt.

When Peter's co-workers picked on him, that’s the closest I came to pity, but even then I felt more contempt for them than sympathy for him. Pining away for someone way out of his league was just annoying when I know there are plenty of 'molewomen' he could have been dating instead. So, yeah, for the most part, I though he was just big baby. And sending an excessive gift like he did- so inappropriate!

If you've got a hot sex demon it seems a shame not to throw them in a gratuitous sex scene or three

Either you underestimate the allure of a really good tease or I underestimate the allure of a demon-girl in a gratuitous sex scene or three.

I keep meaning to mine more of the Japanese craziness when it comes to monster girls for inspiration

You might be onto something here- if they don't have tentacles.

P.S.
I thought you made clever use of your demon's tail.

 

[Keroin]

I was aiming for a real anti-valentine's day story. To that end I wanted to set up a sort of typically rom-com'y wish fulfilment scenario and then rip the carpet out from under the reader about halfway through. Did the story achieve this?

To some extent, yes. However, when I know I’m reading a horror story, I’m already mentally preparing myself for nastiness, so it’s hard to achieve a full rug pull. There was a nice transition from light to dark, though.

What did you think of the characters at the start compared to your impressions of them at the end. Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved?

I’d say Greg was the character I changed my opinion of most. He started as two dimensional and you fleshed him out a bit, making him sympathetic. Good job. For Kurtzenberg I felt a mixture of pity and disgust and my feelings as to his fate are equally mixed.

Does the succubus come across as a fearsome enough monster?

As Penelope said, I think she would have been more frightening if she were subtly presented. The demon with the tail and horns is too familiar to me to elicit fear. (I agree, though, nice use of tail).

I think the story is too long. I cut it down from over 9'000 words, but then couldn't work out where else to prune. I know it's too long - any suggestions for what should be trimmed?

I saw a few trimming spots. I understand the necessity of showing the mental tug-of-war Kurtzberg is going through at various point in the story but I feel you can achieve this more efficiently.

As usual please point out any horrible grammatical bloopers I slipped through.

Nothing huge but I’ll go over with a fine toothed comb later.

General comments:

This was a tighter story than the previous one I read here but I didn’t enjoy the prose nearly as much. It felt stilted compared to the big breast story, which had a nice flow and natural dialogue.

Your opening sentence was good and hooked me right away but then the rest of the first scene was weak. Luckily, you hooked me again in the middle of the story but if I weren’t reading this for discussion purposes, I probably would have given up on the first page.

What your opening scene needs is a stronger POV and a more distinct voice. As it stands, it feels generic. Also, make the scene feel more immediate.

“A pale round face with spectacles ducked down behind the divider like a mole going down its hole.”

Nice!

"Looks like you've got an admirer this year," the mail lady, an old woman who'd been at the office a long time, said as she placed a small package onto the table.”

I’d remove the expository detail – this is an example of why the story feels stilted to me. Use the dialogue to show she’s been there a long time. For example, “Looks like you’ve got an admirer this Valentine’s Day. Nice work, only took you five years, Kurtzberg.” (Just an idea but you see what I mean).

“…plucked at Kurtzberg’s heartstrings.”

Cliché.

“He found her outside in a highly distressed state.”

Generic. Show me she’s in a highly distressed state. Is she crying? Vomiting? What?

“Angrily she shoved him backwards.”

If she shoves him, I assume she’s angry. Delete.

Also, I caught a few roughly’s. You can get away with one, maybe, but even then I would strive to find a more unique description or a more interesting verb to do the work.

“The succubus chuckled, a sound like fat boiling from a charred corpse.”

Yes! Evocative, stomach turning, well done.

Overall, I think you have a good premise and a strong story. I enjoy your writing MEH, thanks for sharing!

 

[loganforester]

I was aiming for a real anti-valentine's day story. To that end I wanted to set up a sort of typically rom-com'y wish fulfilment scenario and then rip the carpet out from under the reader about halfway through. Did the story achieve this?

I'm not sure the carpet was firmly in place before you ripped it out. From the onset the story had a darker feel to it than anything you'd find in a typical rom com story. I agree the title also sort of distorted any feelings of a happy ending before I began reading.

What did you think of the characters at the start compared to your impressions of them at the end. Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved?

I'm not sure I ever felt any real pity for Kurtzberg but he certainly wasn't worthy of any by the end. Did he deserve to die? Well, I'm sure that's ever entirely the case, but he wasn't an innocent victim, that much is certain. He didn't ever really seem to love Bobbi, more that he was obsessed with the idea of being with her. I got the feeling he could have been a stalker that was lacking in ambition or courage to go through with it.

None of the other characters grew much in my opinion through the course of the story. Bobbi is as close to a sympathetic victim as the story has and I couldn't ever really feel myself in her shoes as things went along.

Does the succubus come across as a fearsome enough monster?

The succubus was never really fearsome at all under the final few hundred words. It was eveident early on that she was beyond the skills of the other characters and could do whatever she wanted. I think there was a sense of the outcome being inevitable.

I think the story is too long. I cut it down from over 9'000 words, but then couldn't work out where else to prune. I know it's too long - any suggestions for what should be trimmed?

I happen to enjoy longer stories so I didn't find it too long at all. It could easily have been longer. The part between when Bobbi left and came back in tow with the demon was almost too abrupt. I'd have liked to see what happened in between with her submission.

The other thing I was slightly unhappy with was the ending. I think it's missing a crunchy last paragraph or line to wrap it up.

The ending was what I had been expecting since the beginning of the story. I was hoping for some other outcome to surprise me, but it never did look like it would happen that way.

As usual please point out any horrible grammatical bloopers I slipped through.

As usual, a very well written story. I do enjoy your succubus tales as they are very detailed and full of little twists to make them unique. This was a stronger effort than the one with the bar that preceded it. I hope this review was helpful.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I’d say Greg was the character I changed my opinion of most. He started as two dimensional and you fleshed him out a bit, making him sympathetic. Good job. For Kurtzenberg I felt a mixture of pity and disgust and my feelings as to his fate are equally mixed.

Thanks. I wanted to paint them initially as stock 2-D characters and then move them out of the stereotypes as the story progresses. That's exactly what I was hoping people would think.

This was a tighter story than the previous one I read here but I didn’t enjoy the prose nearly as much. It felt stilted compared to the big breast story, which had a nice flow and natural dialogue.

Possibly my biggest problem. I can usually create good set piece scenes with vivid descriptions, but I'm atrocious at getting from A to B. Intros (unless I have a snappy line to set the story off) and sections linking parts together I have to really chisel out sometimes. I'm not as interested in writing those sections (too eager to get to the meat of the story) and thats probably coming through.

I think I probably spend too much time on those sections. Dwelling too much on certain sections (especially the beginning) is like over-cooking the pasta - you end up with something soggy and lifeless .

Thanks for the examples of the good and the bad. I need to rub out those lapses into cliche and vagueness so the writing is more consistent. Too many -ly words is definitely a habit I need to ditch. I read a recent chapter I'd put up and was shocked at how many had slipped in and how much they slowed the pace down. Probably a case of not stepping back to read the thing as a story during the editing process.

Overall, I think you have a good premise and a strong story. I enjoy your writing MEH, thanks for sharing!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

The succubus was never really fearsome at all under the final few hundred words. It was eveident early on that she was beyond the skills of the other characters and could do whatever she wanted. I think there was a sense of the outcome being inevitable.

and

The ending was what I had been expecting since the beginning of the story. I was hoping for some other outcome to surprise me, but it never did look like it would happen that way.

Expectation vs. Surprise is always a thorny problem (more so for romance I guess). I'm not sure how it can be avoided. People want something horrible to happen at the end of a horror story, just as they want everyone the couple to live happily ever after at the end of a romance story. Match those expectations and it's always going to be predictable. Throw in a surprise and the story risks being a let-down and anti-climatic, which is probably worse.

If it looks too inevitable, it's bad though. Any suggestions on how to avoid it here? Or even how to inject a little surprise in the ending?

As usual, a very well written story. I do enjoy your succubus tales as they are very detailed and full of little twists to make them unique. This was a stronger effort than the one with the bar that preceded it. I hope this review was helpful.

Thanks, plenty to think about!

 

[loganforester]

and



Expectation vs. Surprise is always a thorny problem (more so for romance I guess). I'm not sure how it can be avoided. People want something horrible to happen at the end of a horror story, just as they want everyone the couple to live happily ever after at the end of a romance story. Match those expectations and it's always going to be predictable. Throw in a surprise and the story risks being a let-down and anti-climatic, which is probably worse.

If it looks too inevitable, it's bad though. Any suggestions on how to avoid it here? Or even how to inject a little surprise in the ending?



Thanks, plenty to think about!

In this case the horror may have been even more severe if she had let him live, knowing what he'd done. I'm not sure if it would strain believability that a succubus would leave with less than his soul, but letting him wake up the next day and the first thing he see's are those vacant eyes staring at him could be true terror.

Or perhaps she could continue to toy with him, bringing him people that she's sucked the life out of and forcing him to play with them over and over in an endless cycle until he begs her to take him.

Just a few suggestions that might have worked. The hardest part of writing in a well known genre is to give people a satisfying ending that they didn't see coming.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

In this case the horror may have been even more severe if she had let him live, knowing what he'd done. I'm not sure if it would strain believability that a succubus would leave with less than his soul, but letting him wake up the next day and the first thing he see's are those vacant eyes staring at him could be true terror.

Yes, some very good suggestions and thanks for them. Penny also suggested it would have been stronger had he been left alive.

After some more thought, I think I see why I thought the end didn't quite have the snap I was hoping. In the first story (the Christmas one) there was a gradual revelation of her true nature, but it didn't really hit home until she changed from cute little demon girl to monster and ripped out his soul.

In this tale the end shock is when Peter sees Bobbi's glassy eyes and realises exactly what he's done to her. The story tries to throw the second shock of her pulling out his soul, but we've already seen her in full monster form when she helps him rape Bobbi, so it's not as effective.

I like the idea of her leaving him to suffer the consequences of what he's done. She wouldn't necessarily be giving up his soul. A parting line along the lines of:

"I'll leave you your soul for now. I'll come back for it later, once it's had time to fully stew in the shame of what you've done. Then it will be an exquisite morsel beyond compare... and you'll beg me to pluck it from your guilt-ridden body."

would bring the story to a much more sinister end.

I think, if that makes sense.

Just a few suggestions that might have worked. The hardest part of writing in a well known genre is to give people a satisfying ending that they didn't see coming.

A definite amen to that!

 

[Keroin]

Possibly my biggest problem. I can usually create good set piece scenes with vivid descriptions, but I'm atrocious at getting from A to B. Intros (unless I have a snappy line to set the story off) and sections linking parts together I have to really chisel out sometimes. I'm not as interested in writing those sections (too eager to get to the meat of the story) and thats probably coming through.

I think I probably spend too much time on those sections. Dwelling too much on certain sections (especially the beginning) is like over-cooking the pasta - you end up with something soggy and lifeless .

The beginning of your story is critical. I judge most stories by the opening three or five paragraphs. Most stories on Lit rarely keep me beyond the first paragraph, usually because of amateur writing and bad grammar but sometimes just because the opening is too weak to interest me. I'd say, conservatively, I stop reading 95% of Lit stories after the first paragraph. (unless I'm reading editor's picks or the highest rated ones).

The first page of any story should be the section that gets the most of your attention. Once I, as a reader, am hooked, I will be a bit more forgiving but lose me at the start and I'm gone for good.

 

[PrincessErin]

.....

 

[Tarakin]

First of all, I like your story very much, though I never read this cathegory and did it just for this thread. Great job!

I'll start my comments with the names. Kurtzberg is German and can be translated as 'short mountain'. I wonder if you chose that name on purpose. Telling names sometimes can help or hinder, and I was about to shrug it off when the next German name appeared two lines later: Ross means 'horse' in German. I know its a typical English name also, but I wondered. Having finished the story I see it as a coincidence, but thought of mentioning it nonetheless.

You were looking for a better end. I think your end is great already, but maybe the Succubi adds something along the line that Kurtzberg was her Valentine's present? The reader would ask himself who granted him to her!

Speaking of the ones behind the scene, who gave Kurtzberg the Valentine's present? This one was a bit missing, lose ends can be okay especially when you are writing sequels, but this one could have been covered. I guessed at Jacob Pak btw.

Is the Succubus a good monster? I think yes, she starts cute, harmless even, and turns monstrous more and more. I like this.

Does Kurtzberg deserve his fate? I think so, and this is why I like your end. He fights with his consciousness now and then, yes, but he always loses or is too late (at the bathroom). So he destroys the one he loves (thinks he loves) in the end. I do feel no pity with him, but he never was the sympathy-guy in the story in my eyes. He was very believable, though, and this is another strong point in your story. Should he have lived? That would definitly have been more cruel. He had touched the dreamstone in the beginning (when he threw it away), so he may have dreamed of Bobbies glasseyes every single night until he begged the Succubus to take his soul and end it. On the other hand we'd miss the sex-scene were you are playing with contrasts (burning heat, bands of iron and so on), and I liked this one also very much!

Does Bobbie deserves her fate? In a morale story she's the greatest loser, the broken doll. Maybe at this point is some room for improvement, though I don't know what to change to achieve this end also.

Penelope mentioned the Succubus shouldn't sleep with Kurtzberg. In the last scene it makes sense that she does, and the aforementioned play with contrasts is very nice, but a tease at the start would have been nice also, yes. You have her in the bathroom and at the end, one time in human disguise, one time in her true form, so you have her sexual 'abilities' already covered. On the other hand, her changing into Bobbie during their sex and thus fanning his flames is great also. Though I see what Penelope is aiming at, I'd say keep this part.

Oh yes, the tail. It was great!

Thanks for sharing!

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Anti-Valentine's Day - The ending didn't really surprise me. I figured that it would end in a bad way although I was pleasantly surprised that at first the succubus acted sweet and wasn't going to kill anyone right away. It didn't deter from the story because I wanted to keep reading to see where the story would go to the point where the succubus would start killing.

Characters - As I read the story I concentrated on the main character and all I really saw was a pathetic man. Even as he tried to stop what was going on, he sounds shy without a lot of self esteem. As a reader I felt that he deserved what happened because he was just way too gullible and he was thinking more with his cock then his brain.

Succubus - I don't like stories like this but enjoyed it just the same. With that said I think she was a scary monster but I really have nothing to compare it to.

Length of Story - I don't find it too long. My limit is 3 pages. I really can't think of what to take out so I can't be of any help.

Overall it was a great story however I'm not sure if people would read it just for the sex. They would need to skim through a lot but once they did it would be amazing.

Thanks for the comments. My blood-thirsty rep means I've probably got no chance of surprising anyone with a bad end if they've read anything of mine before.

I should probably do a story where the sweet and innocent succubus does actually help the person out (as well as give them great sex), just to catch people off guard

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I'll start my comments with the names. Kurtzberg is German and can be translated as 'short mountain'. I wonder if you chose that name on purpose. Telling names sometimes can help or hinder, and I was about to shrug it off when the next German name appeared two lines later: Ross means 'horse' in German. I know its a typical English name also, but I wondered. Having finished the story I see it as a coincidence, but thought of mentioning it nonetheless.

I didn't know the meaning of the name to be honest. It actually fits quite well.

There is a reason for the names and they do share something in common, but it's very obscure and horribly geeky.

Speaking of the ones behind the scene, who gave Kurtzberg the Valentine's present? This one was a bit missing, lose ends can be okay especially when you are writing sequels, but this one could have been covered. I guessed at Jacob Pak btw.

I deliberately left that off in the tradition of mysterious horror objects that turn up exactly where they can cause most mischief (it was actually the succubus herself)

Does Kurtzberg deserve his fate? I think so, and this is why I like your end. He fights with his consciousness now and then, yes, but he always loses or is too late (at the bathroom). So he destroys the one he loves (thinks he loves) in the end. I do feel no pity with him, but he never was the sympathy-guy in the story in my eyes. He was very believable, though, and this is another strong point in your story. Should he have lived? That would definitly have been more cruel. He had touched the dreamstone in the beginning (when he threw it away), so he may have dreamed of Bobbies glasseyes every single night until he begged the Succubus to take his soul and end it. On the other hand we'd miss the sex-scene were you are playing with contrasts (burning heat, bands of iron and so on), and I liked this one also very much!

This discussion has been very useful. If I was going to rewrite I would probably keep the final sex scene, maybe even up to the point where her teeth spring out to hook his soul. Then I would have the succubus let him go. It would be clear she would come back for his soul later, but only after he's suffered the memory of what he'd done. It's a greedy option, but I think it would work.

Does Bobbie deserves her fate? In a morale story she's the greatest loser, the broken doll. Maybe at this point is some room for improvement, though I don't know what to change to achieve this end also.

Nope, she doesn't. It's intentional. There is a morality angle to the story, but I didn't want it to sink too much into cozy cosmic justice. The succubus can only take the souls of 'bad' people, but there's nothing stopping her killing or torturing 'good' people, so no one is really safe from her. I wanted to clearly mark her out as a demon rather than an agent of cosmic justice and something that could be confused as a twisted force for good. It does dilute some of the morality aspects though.

Oh yes, the tail. It was great!

Everyone loves the tail

Thanks for sharing!

Thanks for the comments.

 

[ellabee]

This is my first time reading erotic horror, and I'm glad I picked a good story to start with. Though I generally don't think I would enjoy this category for erotic literature, I certainly did like it as a read.

So, then, onto the q's.


I was aiming for a real anti-valentine's day story. To that end I wanted to set up a sort of typically rom-com'y wish fulfilment scenario and then rip the carpet out from under the reader about halfway through. Did the story achieve this?

I understand the theme, but I saw it more as a background, a plot device, than as an anti-theme. And I think the premise of the story doesn't lend itself well to what that was trying to accomplish. There was no "rip the carpet out from under the reader." This was a story about a succubus and the fact that the succubus mentions that she's not that kind of demon automatically alerts the reader that there will be a Major Plot Twist with this line during the Dramatic Conclusion. In fact, if you're looking to cut, this mini dialogue about how this succubus is a good succubus and whatnot would be a good choice. It almost detracts from the main goal.

What did you think of the characters at the start compared to your impressions of them at the end. Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved?

I thought you did a good job with character development. Your characters were never one-sided or flat, but seemed like real people reacting to an ethereal situation. So that was nice.

Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved? Eh. I felt sorry for the poor guy, because everybody knows a Kurtzberg whom they pity but never engage in conversation. I also felt he was thrown into a situation in which he had little control, and was being manipulated by the succubus. Kurtzberg didn't have a choice to behave in a more "desirable" fashion; the succubus arrived and traditional succubus-y things ensued. One could argue that his manipulation made him a passive player in the ultimate plan of the succubus.

I could flip-flop on this issue all day, but the real question you're trying to ask is, "Did Kurtzberg's fate kill the story for you?" The answer to that is a "no." I enjoyed the dramatics of the ending and found it refreshing; sometimes one does tire of an orgasm and a PLEASE VOTE.

Does the succubus come across as a fearsome enough monster?

Not that I have much experience with succubi (is that the proper plural?), but I certainly thought so. The most fearsome monsters are the complex ones that lure you in before you realize you're trapped.

I think the story is too long. I cut it down from over 9'000 words, but then couldn't work out where else to prune. I know it's too long - any suggestions for what should be trimmed?

See above.

You also describe Bobbi's broken-doll-ness twice...the latter could be chopped.

Some of the dialogue also seemed as if it could be a little snappier, like the bit where Bobbi and Greg decide to invite Kurtzberg to drinks. I thought the phrasing of some of that was unrealistic and a bit unnecessary, so if you're looking to chop...

Though...I could tell you had taken bits out as I read through the story. As someone unfamiliar with erotic fiction, I would have liked a little more backstory. Where, exactly, did the succubus come from? And what happens to Greg? Bobbi? Kurtzberg? Those bits confused me, so I would have liked to see more description.

Take that with a grain of salt, though. I'm not your typical or target audience, so I may be the one in the wrong. You may have mentioned these things in the first bit, though if you did, I'd consider adding them back into this one. If this story stands on its own, I think it should be able to fully support itself, without relying on the first edition.

The other thing I was slightly unhappy with was the ending. I think it's missing a crunchy last paragraph or line to wrap it up.

I do agree. Maybe a short epilogue about what happens to Bobbi after Kurtzberg goes to hell? Is her fate common succubus knowledge?

Overall, I really enjoyed this as a story. I didn't find the erotic scenes very erotic, though they certainly weren't lacking in description or vivid imagery. I think it was just the nature of my mind - first time reading the category, not something I would naturally find "hot." I thought the story flowed quite well and the character development, especially of Kurtzberg and the succubus, was nicely executed.

Thanks for posting! I enjoyed reading something I would have never found.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Hi. Thanks for reading, especially as it's a category you wouldn't normally go near. I'm glad the story didn't put you off the category as well

I understand the theme, but I saw it more as a background, a plot device, than as an anti-theme. And I think the premise of the story doesn't lend itself well to what that was trying to accomplish. There was no "rip the carpet out from under the reader." This was a story about a succubus and the fact that the succubus mentions that she's not that kind of demon automatically alerts the reader that there will be a Major Plot Twist with this line during the Dramatic Conclusion. In fact, if you're looking to cut, this mini dialogue about how this succubus is a good succubus and whatnot would be a good choice. It almost detracts from the main goal.

It's the tough one. How to introduce in her in such a way that doesn't send the main character running for his life from the room. It was a valid criticism of the first story as well and something I'll need to think about if I get round to using her again.

I thought you did a good job with character development. Your characters were never one-sided or flat, but seemed like real people reacting to an ethereal situation. So that was nice.

Thanks for that. That's one hurdle got over.

Was Kurtzberg's fate deserved? Eh. I felt sorry for the poor guy, because everybody knows a Kurtzberg whom they pity but never engage in conversation. I also felt he was thrown into a situation in which he had little control, and was being manipulated by the succubus. Kurtzberg didn't have a choice to behave in a more "desirable" fashion; the succubus arrived and traditional succubus-y things ensued. One could argue that his manipulation made him a passive player in the ultimate plan of the succubus.

Chimes with Logan's comments I think. Kurtzberg is supposed to have a choice, but that might not have come through strong enough, so the outcome is never in question.

Some of the dialogue also seemed as if it could be a little snappier, like the bit where Bobbi and Greg decide to invite Kurtzberg to drinks. I thought the phrasing of some of that was unrealistic and a bit unnecessary, so if you're looking to chop...

A few votes for that to get the axe. Those sections are a little clumsy. I wanted to flip people's initial perceptions of the characters, especially Greg. I should have found a way to do that in the main section using Kurtzberg's POV.

Though...I could tell you had taken bits out as I read through the story. As someone unfamiliar with erotic fiction, I would have liked a little more backstory. Where, exactly, did the succubus come from? And what happens to Greg? Bobbi? Kurtzberg? Those bits confused me, so I would have liked to see more description.

Take that with a grain of salt, though. I'm not your typical or target audience, so I may be the one in the wrong. You may have mentioned these things in the first bit, though if you did, I'd consider adding them back into this one. If this story stands on its own, I think it should be able to fully support itself, without relying on the first edition.

and

I do agree. Maybe a short epilogue about what happens to Bobbi after Kurtzberg goes to hell? Is her fate common succubus knowledge?

The mystery about the succubus's arrival is deliberate. She has a connection with the tablet and that's all that's revealed at the moment. Same with the first story.

I did consider an epilogue where Bobbi and Kurtzberg are discovered by some police officers. It would be revealed Bobbi was traumatised to the point of catatonia but still alive, while Kurtzberg is dead on the chair. Their speculation would be he'd abused her and then died of either heart failure or overdose. Apart from one officer. He'd ask if any of them could see a black stone tablet about the size of a hand.

It was supposed to be a little bit of a teaser and a hook I could come back to in a later story.

I couldn't really think of a way to write it concisely enough and I already thought the story was too long as it was so I left it out in the end. Might have been a mistake.

Overall, I really enjoyed this as a story. I didn't find the erotic scenes very erotic, though they certainly weren't lacking in description or vivid imagery. I think it was just the nature of my mind - first time reading the category, not something I would naturally find "hot." I thought the story flowed quite well and the character development, especially of Kurtzberg and the succubus, was nicely executed.

Thanks for posting! I enjoyed reading something I would have never found.

Thanks for the comments!