Story Discussion 7/24/10 Under the Moonday Sun: The Lake

[D_K_Moon]

This short piece was bit different than what I've written in the past. Here's what I would like to know.

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow?

2. I didn't give the male character a name. I tried this for a couple of reasosn. It was a such a short piece, and I was hoping the readers would identify with "him" and see themselves in "his" role. Did it work? Or, was it just plain annoying.

3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun?

4. Just any general observations.

Feel free to rip away!

And without any further adieu, http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=482768

 

[nerk]

1. The dialog is very believable. It works well most of the way through, and is (I think) your best tool as far as drawing your characters. She is described a bit, physically, and there are a few moments of he-felt/she-thought, but mostly, we learn about who they are through how they speak, and I think it mostly works well.

I say mostly because there is a bit before she opens her blouse where I halfway expected them to start chanting "naughty slut, naughty slut, naughty naughty slut slut," and in fact I did chant that for a bit while I was reading. It was kind of fun, but.... I think this isn't a problem of realism: in those sorts of scenes, there is a tendency to pound certain words like that, but I think it needs to be dialled back a bit in fiction.

2. Who cares what his name is? Did you see what his wife was doing?? Honestly, I didn't miss knowing his name. I did have a bit of a issue with the POV, which is about 90% 3rd person limited to his awareness, but occasionally dips into what she knows and feels. Strangely, if you wrote it in first person, I wouldn't have a problem with this, because it would tell me how well he knows her and can read her reactions. If you want to make me really happy, find every spot where you tell us what's in her head and show us what she's thinking/feeling through her actions. Dashiell Hammett is really good at that sort of thing. He never tells you anything a character thinks, but he works magic with body language.

3. I know it's wrong, but I have to say it:

"Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe?"
"It's fucking close to water."

But really, I think you do a great job capturing the characters excitement. I wouldn't know if this was their first time or their fiftieth playing this game, but I know they're enjoying the hell out of it. As a consequence of which, I enjoy the hell out of it too.

4. Just a couple of things:

First, nicely done. This is a short and sweet little vignette that manages to capture a great deal of believable feeling. Major bravo for that. I particularly like the care you take with her breasts. The description of them comes close to being excessive, but to me it just shows the gent's appreciation of them. This is another reason it may work better in 1st person.

On a rewrite, I would seriously consider giving him a wooden paddle, but I'm kind of a paddle nerd. Not only does it feel better to paddle (the boat, you perverts) with, it just strikes me as far more sensual than aluminum and plastic.

The one thing, story-wise, that bothered me was having him reading while paddling a canoe. I've read a lot in my life, and paddled quite a bit as well. Doing both at the same time strikes me as being a big pain in the ass, and it struck me as being unbelievable in this story. Not that he couldn't do it, but that he is able to without any apparent difficulty. I know someone will object that they read War and Peace while paddling over Niagara Falls during a 3some, but it just struck me as being off. The obvious, easy fix (to me) is to have them drift while he is reading.

Last and most picayune, this line from the story he reads her:
"It makes you look like a cheap little slut. Almost virginal"
struck me as contradicting itself. Maybe I just don't know the right cheap sluts.

Anyhow, I enjoyed reading this immensely. It made me miss my canoe and my lake, and look forward to getting up there next week. Do you suppose I could borrow Kelly?

 

[coldsteel]

D_K...

Much of it works. Some of it works less well. I understand that you want the reader to project him/herself into the roles, and perhaps that accounts for the two dimensional feel of the characters. They obviously have a relationship beyond the situation, but there were so hooks that I still felt a little bit outside the story. The role-play dialog is a solid start, and the story-within-a-story can be a useful device. But I would have preferred to know more of what the characters were thinking beyond what they seemed to be saying. I suppose that I'm saying that I wanted to know more of their relationship, their needs and what this role play meant to them.

The introduction of French ...<<Jour du nudiste>>...seemed to come out of nowhere and felt 'off'.

The absence of a name need not be overwhelming. I have a story called Janine Ch. 01, where the character's name is only in the introduction. But the story is told from her point of view and it seems a bit more natural. In the 3rd person, the narration can feel funny absent names for the characters.

The story was a pleasure to read, and thanks so much for inviting critique.

 

[PacoFear]

Hiya DK,

I read and enjoyed your story and will swing back when, frankly, I'm sober enough to provide some meaningful feedback. In the meantime, I'm sufficiently tipsy and curious to blurt out my first question: is there a magic to the word "naughty" (used heavily here) in this context that has sailed over my head? I don't pretend to understand the many nuances of D/s and I'm wondering if this is one of its many sub-genre cubbyholes (akin to the CFNM from our last poster) that I'm ignorant of? Or was this intended merely to be an aspect of this particular couple's wordplay? Or were you just struggling for synonyms?

Thanks,

-PF

 

[D_K_Moon]

1. The dialog is very believable. It works well most of the way through, and is (I think) your best tool as far as drawing your characters. She is described a bit, physically, and there are a few moments of he-felt/she-thought, but mostly, we learn about who they are through how they speak, and I think it mostly works well.

I say mostly because there is a bit before she opens her blouse where I halfway expected them to start chanting "naughty slut, naughty slut, naughty naughty slut slut," and in fact I did chant that for a bit while I was reading. It was kind of fun, but.... I think this isn't a problem of realism: in those sorts of scenes, there is a tendency to pound certain words like that, but I think it needs to be dialled back a bit in fiction.

2. Who cares what his name is? Did you see what his wife was doing?? Honestly, I didn't miss knowing his name. I did have a bit of a issue with the POV, which is about 90% 3rd person limited to his awareness, but occasionally dips into what she knows and feels. Strangely, if you wrote it in first person, I wouldn't have a problem with this, because it would tell me how well he knows her and can read her reactions. If you want to make me really happy, find every spot where you tell us what's in her head and show us what she's thinking/feeling through her actions. Dashiell Hammett is really good at that sort of thing. He never tells you anything a character thinks, but he works magic with body language.

3. I know it's wrong, but I have to say it:

"Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe?"
"It's fucking close to water."

But really, I think you do a great job capturing the characters excitement. I wouldn't know if this was their first time or their fiftieth playing this game, but I know they're enjoying the hell out of it. As a consequence of which, I enjoy the hell out of it too.

4. Just a couple of things:

First, nicely done. This is a short and sweet little vignette that manages to capture a great deal of believable feeling. Major bravo for that. I particularly like the care you take with her breasts. The description of them comes close to being excessive, but to me it just shows the gent's appreciation of them. This is another reason it may work better in 1st person.

On a rewrite, I would seriously consider giving him a wooden paddle, but I'm kind of a paddle nerd. Not only does it feel better to paddle (the boat, you perverts) with, it just strikes me as far more sensual than aluminum and plastic.

The one thing, story-wise, that bothered me was having him reading while paddling a canoe. I've read a lot in my life, and paddled quite a bit as well. Doing both at the same time strikes me as being a big pain in the ass, and it struck me as being unbelievable in this story. Not that he couldn't do it, but that he is able to without any apparent difficulty. I know someone will object that they read War and Peace while paddling over Niagara Falls during a 3some, but it just struck me as being off. The obvious, easy fix (to me) is to have them drift while he is reading.

Last and most picayune, this line from the story he reads her:
"It makes you look like a cheap little slut. Almost virginal"
struck me as contradicting itself. Maybe I just don't know the right cheap sluts.

Anyhow, I enjoyed reading this immensely. It made me miss my canoe and my lake, and look forward to getting up there next week. Do you suppose I could borrow Kelly?

Thanks for the comments and the critique. I had a good chuckle over the joke as well.

I guess I should have made it more clear, he was drifting as he read to Kelly.

Paddles. Right now I'm using a paddle much like I described in the story, it's so comfortable to paddle (the canoe!) with. That's why I used it in the story, and the end is like a boat hook, and thought would feel quite sensual for the female.

The majority of the story was written in my head while paddling on a small lake in eastern Nevada.

You've given me some things to think about, and I may revisit this little piece.

 

[D_K_Moon]

D_K...

Much of it works. Some of it works less well. I understand that you want the reader to project him/herself into the roles, and perhaps that accounts for the two dimensional feel of the characters. They obviously have a relationship beyond the situation, but there were so hooks that I still felt a little bit outside the story. The role-play dialog is a solid start, and the story-within-a-story can be a useful device. But I would have preferred to know more of what the characters were thinking beyond what they seemed to be saying. I suppose that I'm saying that I wanted to know more of their relationship, their needs and what this role play meant to them.

The introduction of French ...<<Jour du nudiste>>...seemed to come out of nowhere and felt 'off'.

The absence of a name need not be overwhelming. I have a story called Janine Ch. 01, where the character's name is only in the introduction. But the story is told from her point of view and it seems a bit more natural. In the 3rd person, the narration can feel funny absent names for the characters.

The story was a pleasure to read, and thanks so much for inviting critique.

Thanks for your comments. Again, they've made me think about the characters and what to do with them. I will say they are based on real people, so I need to tread lightly on what I do with them. As I mentioned to Nerk, I may go back and do some work to this, and possibly expand on it.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Hiya DK,

I read and enjoyed your story and will swing back when, frankly, I'm sober enough to provide some meaningful feedback. In the meantime, I'm sufficiently tipsy and curious to blurt out my first question: is there a magic to the word "naughty" (used heavily here) in this context that has sailed over my head? I don't pretend to understand the many nuances of D/s and I'm wondering if this is one of its many sub-genre cubbyholes (akin to the CFNM from our last poster) that I'm ignorant of? Or was this intended merely to be an aspect of this particular couple's wordplay? Or were you just struggling for synonyms?

Thanks,

-PF

Hey Paco. Maybe inebriated is the secret to reading my work, who knows?

This isn't supposed to be a D/s story. I don't know much about that either. It's more of a game.

"Naughty", I think Kelly likes being called naughty, it was just part of her, and their play together.

 

[driphoney]

Let me get back to you as soon as I'm inebriated. I'm more lucid that way.

I read the story a while ago, I'll go back for a review.

Hasta pronto, mi amigo.

 

[Amontillado]

You know what, I really enjoyed that story. I like fun little scenes like that, and I thought it was well done.

In fact most of my critique is probably nit-picky little stuff that you already know, but, what the hey.

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow?

The protagonist used Kelly's name a bit much in some sections: "Nothing but the best for you, Kelly...Open your shirt, Kelly...Oh, Kelly."

That's three consecutive lines of dialog where he uses Kelly's name.

There's also an occasional missed opportunity to make good use of a contraction. "I am quite happy with you...I will need to put you over my knee."

"I'm" and "I'll" sound more natural.

2. I didn't give the male character a name. I tried this for a couple of reasosn. It was a such a short piece, and I was hoping the readers would identify with "him" and see themselves in "his" role. Did it work? Or, was it just plain annoying.

I don't know if it worked in the first sentence; seeing that pronoun put up there without first giving it something to replace was a bit jarring to me. Not giving his name worked in the rest of the story--I didn't even think about it--but I would suggest introducing the good sir with a noun first. Not his name, just something that will help "he" do its job.

3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun?

I would encourage you to write more in that vein. I'm not well acquainted with d/s, but I think their game added a fun dimension to the relationship.

4. Just any general observations.

Feel free to rip away!

The story could be a little more polished, but really, I don't see that there's much there to rip at. It was a good little piece and it did what it set out to do, which is, take me on a pleasant daydream under the moonday sun.



-Amontillado

 

[LingerieRobot]

I liked the opening, being dropped right in the middle without any exposition as to who our characters were. Despite this, I got a really good sense of the relationship between these two, at least the sexual component of it. I also liked the use of the story within a story, although that may just be because I'm playing around with that trope in my current project.

As far as the dialogue goes, it was definitely a bit repetitive, as was the description. It's tough to describe sex in an original way, I know. You don't make the job easier on yourself by having the characters constantly describing what they're doing or about to do. I would actually like to see the dialogue cut down a bit, and maybe some more use of synonyms - "master" sometimes instead of "sir", "whore" instead of "slut", and so on and so forth.

The nameless protagonist is fine, although I'm not sure it accomplished what you intended.

All in all this is a little rough around the edges (there were a couple grammatical mistakes, but none that anyone less anal-retentive than me would notice), but a pretty solid and erotic vignette.

 

[_Lynn_]

This short piece was bit different than what I've written in the past. Here's what I would like to know.

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow? The dialogue doesn't work for me. I'm not sure I can pinpoint the exact problem, but it feels too planned to be sexy. I keep imagining them with scripts, reading when it's their turn, trying to add a bit of eroticism into it. Instead I keep hearing giggles.

2. I didn't give the male character a name. I tried this for a couple of reasosn. It was a such a short piece, and I was hoping the readers would identify with "him" and see themselves in "his" role. Did it work? Or, was it just plain annoying. The lack of name for him doesn't bother me much, but I do think names help define a character in at least a small way.

3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun? I think part of my answer about dialogue fits here too.

4. Just any general observations.

Feel free to rip away!

And without any further adieu, http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=482768

Thanks for offering a story to the SDC. So I can confuse you, part of my replies are above in red and part are here (which isn't much).


1. He looked into her eyes and what? The first sentence felt unfinished to me.

2. A nod is moving the head up and down. So that repetition isn't needed, in my opinion.

3. The part where she takes off her bra and then opens her blouse? Unless she's wearing a strapless bra or a sleeveless blouse, it would be awkward to do. Then in a canoe?

4. The Jour du Nudiste and Mais oui made me laugh. They didn't fit in at all.

5. Someone else mentioned how her name is in there too often. Think about real life, two people talking. How much do you use someone's name when you have a conversation? I was guilty of this too but one of my beta readers pointed it out last year and I've been far more conscious of it ever since.

6. I noticed several punctuation errors. They might not be jarring to some people, but with all the editing I've done, they scream at me.

7. Contractions are far more normal when speaking. There are places you use them, but then you skip over without too. Most people use the same speech pattern all the time.

8. His tongue ran over his suddenly dry lips. His tongue did it or he did it? This might be a minor point but it's one I look at when editing.

I didn't feel the story brought anything new or exciting with it. But I can appreciate the fact you tried something different.

 

[driphoney]

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow?

No. And I've been trying to put my finger on it. While I think the formalized tone works really well for the inserted story, it works less for me with your lead characters. For me, there is a disconnect somewhere between the perfect setting, the perfect girl, the perfect proper speaking style and the "sleazy" D/s naughty words.


2. I didn't give the male character a name. I tried this for a couple of reasosn. It was a such a short piece, and I was hoping the readers would identify with "him" and see themselves in "his" role. Did it work? Or, was it just plain annoying.

Honestly, I never even noticed he didn't have a name. Some people love minutiae in stories, they want every little detail I think, but not me. I enjoyed his internal thoughts. It was the only emotional and humanizing connector for me to the story. She was a bit plastic. What makes her so lovable other than being perfectly pretty in a WASPish sort of way?


3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun?

For some reason, it didn't work. She seemed to need a huge amount of praise, constantly asking him what he thought of her, while at the same time calling him sir. The concept of playing at D/s is fun, I have to say, and one that intrigues me, but this couple seemed to be mostly just tossing a few words around. There didn't seem to be much tension which I think (and what do I know?) is a big part of the draw to the D/s concept. As you know, this is all just my personal feeling as a reader.

4. Just any general observations.

You set the scene nicely. I felt like I was in a Monet. All pretty colors, I could hear birds chirping. I found myself mentally on my "own" lake (okay, more like a large pond) in Ohio. I've done something similar and had forgotten it. What remains are those impressions, just like a painting. Idyllic, charming, romantic. You created that world for me in spades.

One more thing. I was confused in the beginning. I even went back and re-read it. He's looking into her lovely, perfect blue eyes, but then just a few lines later it appears she's in the boat with her back to him and has to look around at him and then is given permission to turn around. Did I miss something?

Feel free to rip away!

Nah. You've been nothing but encouraging to me, and I feel awful scrutinizing this. It flows, it doesn't clunk along, and I love the use of the paddle. That kinky little bit really worked for me.

Thanks for letting us examine your story. These critiques are always lessons for me more than anything, and it's a privilege to be able to see a variety of writing and read the various thoughts regarding them.

 

[D_K_Moon]

You know what, I really enjoyed that story. I like fun little scenes like that, and I thought it was well done.

In fact most of my critique is probably nit-picky little stuff that you already know, but, what the hey.



The protagonist used Kelly's name a bit much in some sections: "Nothing but the best for you, Kelly...Open your shirt, Kelly...Oh, Kelly."

That's three consecutive lines of dialog where he uses Kelly's name.

There's also an occasional missed opportunity to make good use of a contraction. "I am quite happy with you...I will need to put you over my knee."

"I'm" and "I'll" sound more natural.



I don't know if it worked in the first sentence; seeing that pronoun put up there without first giving it something to replace was a bit jarring to me. Not giving his name worked in the rest of the story--I didn't even think about it--but I would suggest introducing the good sir with a noun first. Not his name, just something that will help "he" do its job.



I would encourage you to write more in that vein. I'm not well acquainted with d/s, but I think their game added a fun dimension to the relationship.



The story could be a little more polished, but really, I don't see that there's much there to rip at. It was a good little piece and it did what it set out to do, which is, take me on a pleasant daydream under the moonday sun.



-Amontillado

Thanks for your thoughts, they seem to be pretty much in line with the previous comments. I think when I have a bit of time, I will go back and do some re-writing on this little bit.

 

[D_K_Moon]

I liked the opening, being dropped right in the middle without any exposition as to who our characters were. Despite this, I got a really good sense of the relationship between these two, at least the sexual component of it. I also liked the use of the story within a story, although that may just be because I'm playing around with that trope in my current project.

As far as the dialogue goes, it was definitely a bit repetitive, as was the description. It's tough to describe sex in an original way, I know. You don't make the job easier on yourself by having the characters constantly describing what they're doing or about to do. I would actually like to see the dialogue cut down a bit, and maybe some more use of synonyms - "master" sometimes instead of "sir", "whore" instead of "slut", and so on and so forth.

The nameless protagonist is fine, although I'm not sure it accomplished what you intended.

All in all this is a little rough around the edges (there were a couple grammatical mistakes, but none that anyone less anal-retentive than me would notice), but a pretty solid and erotic vignette.

Thanks for your comments. As for the "story within a story", I've used it before in the three "Danielle" stories I've written.

As for master, whore etc. They're not that into the d/s thing. It's more of a game, initially she teases him with "sir" knowing what it does to him. And although she is his little slut, I don't think he'd call her a whore.

Yes, it is a bit rough, I wrote pretty much in one sitting and didn't do much rewriting. Again, thanks for your time.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Thanks for offering a story to the SDC. So I can confuse you, part of my replies are above in red and part are here (which isn't much).


1. He looked into her eyes and what? The first sentence felt unfinished to me.

2. A nod is moving the head up and down. So that repetition isn't needed, in my opinion.

3. The part where she takes off her bra and then opens her blouse? Unless she's wearing a strapless bra or a sleeveless blouse, it would be awkward to do. Then in a canoe?

4. The Jour du Nudiste and Mais oui made me laugh. They didn't fit in at all.

5. Someone else mentioned how her name is in there too often. Think about real life, two people talking. How much do you use someone's name when you have a conversation? I was guilty of this too but one of my beta readers pointed it out last year and I've been far more conscious of it ever since.

6. I noticed several punctuation errors. They might not be jarring to some people, but with all the editing I've done, they scream at me.

7. Contractions are far more normal when speaking. There are places you use them, but then you skip over without too. Most people use the same speech pattern all the time.

8. His tongue ran over his suddenly dry lips. His tongue did it or he did it? This might be a minor point but it's one I look at when editing.

I didn't feel the story brought anything new or exciting with it. But I can appreciate the fact you tried something different.

Thanks for reading and leaving your comments.

1. I dunno, I liked the opening sentence, I don't think anything more needed to be said.

3. You would be amazed at what can be accomplished in a canoe with experienced canoers.

4. Being Canadian, the use of French would probably be more natural than for an American. And it was meant as a tongue in cheek remark.

5. Good point and one that has been mentioned as well. This is something that I need to go back and look at.

6. What do you expect from me? Perfection? LOL. Yeah, as soon as it was submitted I saw a few errors that I had missed.

7. Good point, and I don't know why I do that in my writing at time. Sometimes I try it for emphasis. But, again, something I need to look at.

It wasn't supposed to be new or exciting, just an afternoon on the lake with two people who seem to be in love.

 

[D_K_Moon]

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow?

No. And I've been trying to put my finger on it. While I think the formalized tone works really well for the inserted story, it works less for me with your lead characters. For me, there is a disconnect somewhere between the perfect setting, the perfect girl, the perfect proper speaking style and the "sleazy" D/s naughty words.


2. I didn't give the male character a name. I tried this for a couple of reasosn. It was a such a short piece, and I was hoping the readers would identify with "him" and see themselves in "his" role. Did it work? Or, was it just plain annoying.

Honestly, I never even noticed he didn't have a name. Some people love minutiae in stories, they want every little detail I think, but not me. I enjoyed his internal thoughts. It was the only emotional and humanizing connector for me to the story. She was a bit plastic. What makes her so lovable other than being perfectly pretty in a WASPish sort of way?


3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun?

For some reason, it didn't work. She seemed to need a huge amount of praise, constantly asking him what he thought of her, while at the same time calling him sir. The concept of playing at D/s is fun, I have to say, and one that intrigues me, but this couple seemed to be mostly just tossing a few words around. There didn't seem to be much tension which I think (and what do I know?) is a big part of the draw to the D/s concept. As you know, this is all just my personal feeling as a reader.

4. Just any general observations.

You set the scene nicely. I felt like I was in a Monet. All pretty colors, I could hear birds chirping. I found myself mentally on my "own" lake (okay, more like a large pond) in Ohio. I've done something similar and had forgotten it. What remains are those impressions, just like a painting. Idyllic, charming, romantic. You created that world for me in spades.

One more thing. I was confused in the beginning. I even went back and re-read it. He's looking into her lovely, perfect blue eyes, but then just a few lines later it appears she's in the boat with her back to him and has to look around at him and then is given permission to turn around. Did I miss something?

Feel free to rip away!

Nah. You've been nothing but encouraging to me, and I feel awful scrutinizing this. It flows, it doesn't clunk along, and I love the use of the paddle. That kinky little bit really worked for me.

Thanks for letting us examine your story. These critiques are always lessons for me more than anything, and it's a privilege to be able to see a variety of writing and read the various thoughts regarding them.

I wonder if it's a male/female thing. Most of the males liked the dialog, and most of the females haven't. I realize that the sample size is small, but it's a thought.

They aren't d/s at all. It's just a game for them. They hint at reversing the roles for the next day.

I never caught that bit at the start regarding her eyes and turning around, it's something I will have to look at when I do a rewrite.

Please don't feel awful, I asked for honest comments and critiques, and I'm grateful that you gave me yours.

 

[driphoney]

I wonder if it's a male/female thing. Most of the males liked the dialog, and most of the females haven't. I realize that the sample size is small, but it's a thought.

They aren't d/s at all. It's just a game for them. They hint at reversing the roles for the next day.

I never caught that bit at the start regarding her eyes and turning around, it's something I will have to look at when I do a rewrite.

Please don't feel awful, I asked for honest comments and critiques, and I'm grateful that you gave me yours.

About the dialogue, I had that same thought after I posted and read ML's comments. *shrug*

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi DK,

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow?
It seems natural enough and I don't see why it wouldn't work for your target audience.

2. I didn't give the male character a name.
I didn't even notice.

3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun?
Flat is a really good word for my experience. This tale isn't meant to feature any real drama, which is what I want in a story, so I lost interest in a hurry and gave up when the couple began to disrobe- but since I'm not your target audience, that's not likely an issue.

4. Just any general observations.
That little info dump in paragraph six really interrupts otherwise fine flow.

This was my favorite moment:
"Can I turn around?" Kelly asked and then added, "sir?"

She knew full well what it did to him, and she liked it.

Especially that 'sir' being something of an afterthought. It said a lot about who they were and what they were doing.

Thanks for sharing your work with us.

Take Care,
Penny



P.S.

But really, I think you do a great job capturing the characters excitement.

I agree, even if it didn't translate into my excitement.

The concept of playing at D/s is fun, I have to say, and one that intrigues me...

Many of life's pleasures are that way for me- so much fun to experience first hand, but not much fun at all to read about.

...the end is like a boat hook, and thought would feel quite sensual for the female.

Ok, I don't know what a boat hook is, but it certainly doesn't *sound* like something sensual!

That's three consecutive lines of dialog where he uses Kelly's name.

Was this formality intentional? When we use another's name in conversation, how often is it to a subordinate? I can see how it could be appropriate in their situation, but it could also be one of those times where precise realism and good storytelling don't always mix like we wish they did.

His tongue ran over his suddenly dry lips.[/d] His tongue did it or he did it?

When I read a line like this, I take it to mean the action was instinctive and not something the character actually thought about doing. Is that the author's intention here?

They aren't d/s at all. It's just a game for them.

That's exactly what I got out of the piece I read.

 

[_Lynn_]

His tongue ran over his suddenly dry lips. His tongue did it or he did it?

When I read a line like this, I take it to mean the action was instinctive and not something the character actually thought about doing. Is that the author's intention here?

I understand the concept. However, there are times the wording makes me laugh, or even stop reading a piece. Then again, I'm weird.

 

[D_K_Moon]

Hi DK,

1. Does the dialog work? Does seem it seem natural and does it flow?
It seems natural enough and I don't see why it wouldn't work for your target audience.

2. I didn't give the male character a name.
I didn't even notice.

3. This was the first time I've ever written anything with the hint of d/s. It wasn't my intention to make this a d/s tale. To the characters in this story, it's a bit of a game and not a lifestyle. Did it work or is it flatter than three day old beer in the hot sun?
Flat is a really good word for my experience. This tale isn't meant to feature any real drama, which is what I want in a story, so I lost interest in a hurry and gave up when the couple began to disrobe- but since I'm not your target audience, that's not likely an issue.

4. Just any general observations.
That little info dump in paragraph six really interrupts otherwise fine flow.

This was my favorite moment:
"Can I turn around?" Kelly asked and then added, "sir?"

She knew full well what it did to him, and she liked it.

Especially that 'sir' being something of an afterthought. It said a lot about who they were and what they were doing.

Thanks for sharing your work with us.

Take Care,
Penny

Thanks for looking at it, and I do appreciate your comments, and I have to agree with some of them. This wasn't the normal type of piece that I write, and some parts seemed to have worked and others not.

 

[D_K_Moon]

8. His tongue ran over his suddenly dry lips. His tongue did it or he did it? This might be a minor point but it's one I look at when editing.

I've looked at this line for quite some time, and I guess I must be thick-headed, because I don't understand what your quibble was with it.

 

[_Lynn_]

I've looked at this line for quite some time, and I guess I must be thick-headed, because I don't understand what your quibble was with it.

I told you I'm weird, but let me see if I can explain it.

His tongue ran over his lips . . . implies to me the tongue moves alone. The person has no part in it, even subconsciously. I know wording like this shows up all the time, and I've used them in the past myself. However, the more I write the more I think about the order of the words themselves. Of course, that might also be why I struggle putting words together the last couple months. Too much thinking is not always a good thing.

Consider the source and ignore it, cowboy.

 

[D_K_Moon]

I told you I'm weird, but let me see if I can explain it.

His tongue ran over his lips . . . implies to me the tongue moves alone. The person has no part in it, even subconsciously. I know wording like this shows up all the time, and I've used them in the past myself. However, the more I write the more I think about the order of the words themselves. Of course, that might also be why I struggle putting words together the last couple months. Too much thinking is not always a good thing.

Consider the source and ignore it, cowboy.

I'm not a writer, nor do I want to be one. I tell stories. That's the long and the short of it. I don't worry about the order of words, searching for the perfect phrase, or paring down to the bare minimum.

Writing can be overwritten, the soul of a story can be lost. Listen to your characters, and let them be heard. That's what I tried to do with this piece, let the characters speak...

 

[Penelope Street]

I told you I'm weird, but let me see if I can explain it.

His tongue ran over his lips . . . implies to me the tongue moves alone. The person has no part in it, even subconsciously.

Fwiw, I never doubted where you were coming from. You're not the first person I've known to have this kind of reaction to similar sentences.

Writing can be overwritten, the soul of a story can be lost.

Rob G and I had a discussion a few years back along these lines, wherein he suggested a caterpillar wouldn't even be able to walk if it bothered to think about where to put each leg and he felt like he wouldn't be able to write if he stopped to think about every word. I can see how it might not be a good thing when one starts to evaluate writing in scientific terms instead of artful ones. On the other hand, it's still useful to understand how readers can experience a story differently than we might have anticipated.

So while I don't want narrow the discussion to a single sentence, I'm still curious what DK intended to accomplish with it.

This wasn't the normal type of piece that I write, and some parts seemed to have worked and others not.

I thought it was quite realistic and well done, even if it wasn't for me. I hope I didn't come across as condescending when I mentioned target audiences, because I was quite sincere when I expressed a belief that the story would work for those who enjoy tensionless erotic vignettes.

 

[D_K_Moon]

So while I don't want narrow the discussion to a single sentence, I'm still curious what DK intended to accomplish with it.

It was to show his excitement. The churning inside. The drying up of his mouth as adrenalin surged through him. She had done something unexpected, and something that he really liked. The action on his part was totally subconcious.

I thought it was quite realistic and well done, even if it wasn't for me. I hope I didn't come across as condescending when I mentioned target audiences, because I was quite sincere when I expressed a belief that the story would work for those who enjoy tensionless erotic vignettes.

Of course you didn't. As I said, this was something a bit different for me. It was just a scene from two lovers on a summer afternoon at a lake.