Story Discussion: 28th Jan, 2009 - "The Biggest Tits in the World" by manyeyedhydra

[manyeyedhydra]

Story Discussion: 28th Jan, 2009 - "The Biggest Tits in the World" by manyeyedhydra

Hi,

Looks like it's time for the next in queue so I'll throw up my entrant to last years Nude contest. It's a horror story, or at least supposed to be.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

The link to the story:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=374172

 

[manyeyedhydra]

And the discussion.

The story actually got a real kicking in the contest. Which didn't surprise me. The intention was to throw out some bait with the title and then switch in a freaky little horror story. (the erotic horror section is so quiet most of the time )

What I'm not sure about is whether it's effective as a horror. The imagery is fairly ridiculous. Trying to visualise it threw out some mental contortions as to how the sizes fit together. I think I decided not to think about it too much and hoped the readers wouldn't either. Very lazy.

Even though the concept is fairly ridiculous, i knew I wanted to play it dead straight otherwise the story would just collapse into silly comedy horror (which it probably did anyhow). I'm not sure that was the right approach.

There have been some excellent comedy series in Britain recently that work very well in taking a very dark concept and then pushing it so far it becomes funny (League of Gentlemen). I think I tried to take a silly concept and then turn it dark. I'm not sure that works, especially not with any kind of supernatural trappings.

As for the eroticism I like to mix some arousal in because I think it gives the scene a bit more of an unsettling edge than if she just ate him. I think I've done that better in my other tales though.

So as for questions the main one is whether I managed to rein in the right mix of horror, humour and eroticism, or whether they bolted over the hills in opposite directions taking the story's legs and arms with them.

(This is where the discussion could be fairly short - "you failed - the story is stupid and it sucks!")

The other questions are the usual:

Do the characters stand out?

Do the descriptions of the backdrop make you feel like you're there?

thanks

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Ah, just remembered the general discussion bit - the reason I thought about putting the story up in the first place.

Erotic things can be made silly. Horror things can be made silly. But is it one way? Can silly things be made erotic/horrific or will their general silliness always wreck it no matter how you try and do it?

 

[DeeZire]

I think you could have made the situation even creepier if we didn't have to suspend belief to get into the story. But maybe that's just me. If her act involved smothering the guy at the completion of the sex act, that would have been scary. As it was, it was only interesting, although well-written.

If it's erotic horror, I want to be terrified. If it's satire, I want to laugh. I think you need to choose your direction and then go for it, since you obviously have the writing skills to pull it off.

But I'm a hack, so don't listen to me, even though I did really like your VDay story.

 

[Keroin]

To be honest, I read the title, the first few two or three hundred words and decided I wouldn't enjoy this story. Not the first time I've been wrong, go figure.

I thought, overall, you blended the humour/eroticism/horror admirably. The only moment where I felt myself pull out of the story was the sudden gun fight. Were these men hunting the demon girls or were they just a bunch of random, gun-toting tourists? The lack of explanation threw me. Feels like a dangling story thread, which I find annoying. Otherwise, I had no trouble suspending reality as there were more than enough breadcrumbs left to lead me in the "something's not right" direction.

There were elements of Neil Gaiman's style in this story, (specifically, a scene from the novel "American Gods" and also a short story, "Tastings" from his "Smoke and Mirrors" collection). He frequently blends opposing genres with excellent results, (IMO).

You are correct about the imagery. I did have a difficult time picturing exactly how big those tits were. They were described as beach balls and then I think at one point they were down to her knees? But that just requires minor fix-ups.

Characters stood out. Background well-painted. Call me crazy but it worked for me. Your writing skills are obvious. Good work.

K

 

[_Lynn_]

Okay, I read it. The very first thing that made me stop was this:

The stairs were tacky and stuck to the soles of Russell's shoes.

I kept picturing him trying to walk with stairs stuck to his shoes. In my mind, it should be something more like ...

The stairs were tacky, making the soles of Russell's shoes stick ...

It's a small point, I know, and maybe I'm wrong.



Beach balls come in several sizes. That made it difficult for me to imagine very well. It also made me picture stripes. I'm sure there has to be other ways to describe her tits.

The gunmen left me with questions too. If I remember right, the place was almost empty when the guys entered. You mentioned chaos with all the shooting. I couldn't picture it quite that way, I guess.

This isn't a category I read, for the most part. It isn't much, but I've only done a few critiques before.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Thanks for the feedback.

I've never been a big fan of more realistic horror stories. Serial killers etc tend to bore me most of the time. Having her smother the poor chap in her cleavage after the sex act would be fun to write though

The size issue does bother me. To contain two fully grown men those breasts probably would be down to her knees by the end of it . I half-heartedly hinted that she was getting bigger, but not really enough. I probably should have had the men shrink instead. The main character seeing his friend kicking inside a breast like a helpless fetus is a much stronger image (It probably also hits some people's 'kink' while still working as a freaky horror tale for everyone else)

The questions on the gunman meant I wasn't clear enough with the initial description when the two characters entered the club. There are three other patrons. Two are tourists like the two main characters, but in a state of greater inebriation. They don't do much other than end up as demon fodder. The third is the gunman. I intended him to be a little crazy and out for revenge. The initial plan was to have him cry "This is for my brother!" in German, but I was close to the deadline and didn't know the best translation. Sounds like I need a little bit more of a hint as to what he's doing there though.

The stairs were tacky and stuck to the soles of Russell's shoes.

Oops, thanks for the catch.

Should probably be:

The surface of the stairs was tacky and pulled at the soles of Russell's shoes.

Thanks for the comments.

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

"Eve Satana groaned and Jack grunted underneath her. Well this was fucking worth the entrance fee, Russell smiled. He suspected Jack was getting his hundred euros' worth too. The problem was now Jack was starting to feel really horny. He wondered if they had any back rooms he could take one of the girls up to."

I believe where it says Jack in bold up there, it's supposed to be Russell.


I couldn't get into this story. Part of it was the language barrier. There were words (that I assume were Brit slang) that I didn't know. (which is no fault... just putting it out there that it interfered with my perception of the story) Besides that, it just didn't pull me in. I didn't find it scary. I found it ludicrous.

I was okay up until she began to absorb him. At that point, it jumped the shark for me. If she'd absorbed a human male whose form could still be seen afterward, her boobs would be huge and weigh so much that she wouldn't be able to stand up. Had he been dissolved as he was absorbed, it would have been different. I expect to have to suspend some belief in an erotic horror story but this was just too much.

I have no issues with your writing or creativity... this story just didn't work for me.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

"Eve Satana groaned and Jack grunted underneath her. Well this was fucking worth the entrance fee, Russell smiled. He suspected Jack was getting his hundred euros' worth too. The problem was now Jack was starting to feel really horny. He wondered if they had any back rooms he could take one of the girls up to."

I believe where it says Jack in bold up there, it's supposed to be Russell.

Yep, that's something I need to correct.

I couldn't get into this story. Part of it was the language barrier. There were words (that I assume were Brit slang) that I didn't know. (which is no fault... just putting it out there that it interfered with my perception of the story) Besides that, it just didn't pull me in. I didn't find it scary. I found it ludicrous.

I was okay up until she began to absorb him. At that point, it jumped the shark for me. If she'd absorbed a human male whose form could still be seen afterward, her boobs would be huge and weigh so much that she wouldn't be able to stand up. Had he been dissolved as he was absorbed, it would have been different. I expect to have to suspend some belief in an erotic horror story but this was just too much.

I have no issues with your writing or creativity... this story just didn't work for me.

Yep, that's pretty much what I feared - the ludicrous aspects slapping the reader straight out of the tale. Even if what happens is outlandish, there still has to be some form of internal logic. The size problem is a definite 'uh - can't see that at all' moment. I'll need to make it clearer from the descriptions that either she's a lot bigger, or they've become smaller.

thanks

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

It's been five days. Does no one else have comments? Want to make sure plenty of time is given before we move on to the next story.

 

[Penelope Street]

Hi Scaly One!

I forgot your predilection for a particular genre, didn't pay attention to the category, and missed all the little clues- if there were any- so I totally didn't see the fatalities coming, which made it way more fun.

I'm not sure the incident was really ever funny though, except men just being men, which was definitely worth a smile or two! Ok, maybe that you named them after a dog too. I liked the slang, even though I didn't understand a lot of it except through context.

I didn't really care how large her breasts were until she started consuming characters with them. Until then, it was good enough for me that the men thought they were huge, so that was a weird moment that I just had to accept on faith and move on. I really couldn't quite picture it- not at all what you want when you spring your monster on an unsuspecting reader.

Another failing for me is that the men don't do much to deserve their fate. I guess you can put me in the crowd that thinks women don't deserve to die in horror stories just because of an increased sexual appetite, and I don't see why men should either.

I liked the trailing scene with a new group of victims entering the club, but I was less fond of the opening several paragraphs. I'm not sure they actually add anything.

Since it's a horror story, it's understandable that Nude Day readers might have found it a rude surprise, especially if they also didn't notice the category. Playing against reader's expectations is often a good way to garner a low score. I think this tale would have been much better received in October.

Take Care,
Penny

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Heh heh. Thanks Penny, glad to see you're back.

Hi Scaly One!

I forgot your predilection for a particular genre, didn't pay attention to the category, and missed all the little clues- if there were any- so I totally didn't see the fatalities coming, which made it way more fun.

I'm not sure the incident was really ever funny though, except men just being men, which was definitely worth a smile or two! Ok, maybe that you named them after a dog too. I liked the slang, even though I didn't understand a lot of it except through context.

I didn't really care how large her breasts were until she started consuming characters with them. Until then, it was good enough for me that the men thought they were huge, so that was a weird moment that I just had to accept on faith and move on. I really couldn't quite picture it- not at all what you want when you spring your monster on an unsuspecting reader.

Yeah, the visualisation part was messy. I thought it might be and it's been confirmed here as the part most people had problems with. More explicit description of sizes needed there to help the readers out.

Another failing for me is that the men don't do much to deserve their fate. I guess you can put me in the crowd that thinks women don't deserve to die in horror stories just because of an increased sexual appetite, and I don't see why men should either.

I think everyone's fair game in horror stories. It gives the story more bite if the reader is never really sure who's going to survive and who isn't.

I'm glad you thought they were undeserving though. I intended them to be the typical football (soccer) fans I see travelling around Britain on trains from time to time. They're a bit cheeky, a little xenophobic and the one isn't particularly sexually faithful to his wife (although he does love her). They have flaws, but not enough to deserve what happens to them.

I wanted to press that home when the second victim, on hearing how the demons came to hamburg during the war, protests that it was so long ago it wasn't fair that this was happening to him. Of course the demon doesn't care about human squabbles, the man is just food to her.

I liked the trailing scene with a new group of victims entering the club, but I was less fond of the opening several paragraphs. I'm not sure they actually add anything.

Since it's a horror story, it's understandable that Nude Day readers might have found it a rude surprise, especially if they also didn't notice the category. Playing against reader's expectations is often a good way to garner a low score. I think this tale would have been much better received in October.

Take Care,
Penny

Hee hee I know. Slipping horror tales into the normal contests is such jolly good fun though

 

[Penelope Street]

I think everyone's fair game in horror stories. It gives the story more bite if the reader is never really sure who's going to survive and who isn't.

There seem to be plenty of stories out there like this and it's actually more realistic for the victims to be random and guiltless, but I'm not sure it makes for more effective literature.

I wanted to press that home when the second victim, on hearing how the demons came to hamburg during the war, protests that it was so long ago it wasn't fair that this was happening to him. Of course the demon doesn't care about human squabbles, the man is just food to her.

Yep. That works.

It also meant this was retroactively amusing:

"Evens she's over forty with tits hanging down to her knees," Jack chuckled. Jack lost that bet.

She's definitely over forty and, with at least one man in each, the last half of his wager ought to be true too; otherwise, she wouldn't be able to see.

I'm glad you thought they were undeserving though.

This probably says I'm a sloppy reader more than anything else, but until the moment the demon began to eat Jack, the men were pretty much interchangeable. Then I had to scan back to see who was married. (And, since I'd stopped anyway, I decided to find out what GBH means. ) Having unprotected sex with a prostitute while in a relationship would mean Jack got off with far too little GBH- but I deduced Russell was the only one married, so for me the crime still didn't fit the punishment.

Slipping horror tales into the normal contests is such jolly good fun though

You, on the other hand, got exactly what you deserved.