Story Discussion:23(22?)/8 "Unnatural Progression" by starrkers
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starrkers
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As posted, it has not been edited by anyone other than me, so I'm sure it has several errors. I am aware of one, where I have her roll onto her back and it should be stomach.
I keep changing my mind about how this will all come out.
What I'm looking for is clarification of the characters and whether it's worth completing. How well defined are the characters, are they believable, and how much room for movement is there without moving out of character.
Basically I need to know what works and why it works as well as what doesn't.
I keep changing my mind about how this will all come out.
What I'm looking for is clarification of the characters and whether it's worth completing. How well defined are the characters, are they believable, and how much room for movement is there without moving out of character.
Basically I need to know what works and why it works as well as what doesn't.
MarshAlien
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Frank and Bobby struck as me ordinary creepos, albeit ordinary nature-loving creepos. Jeni really bothered me; it's not until the middle of the second page, when she's actually been tied up, and had all her clothes sliced off of her that you describe her "internal doomsayer" as "fully awake now, screeching at her for being so damn stupid, letting herself be tied up."
I think the rest of us were there as soon as she realized that Frank, a creepo from the first time we meet him, had been in the back of the truck the whole time and Bobbby hadn't bothered to mention it. But now, she seems to swing back and forth between thinking she's in trouble and thinking that she's in some idyllic paradise, although the only real evidence for that seems to be that she gets to go for a nice walk with Bobby. If Frank hadn't appeared until much later, I could maybe buy her settling in with Bobby, and accepting a weekend with a guy she accepted a ride with.
As for continuing, if you're going to let Jeni become one of those rape victims who learns to love her assaulters, I would say no. There are enough of those stories out there already, and it seems to me they merely play into a masculine fantasy about how women "want" to be treated. If you're going to turn her into a victim of Stockholm syndrome, responding not to the rape but simply to her identification with her captors, then maybe yes, although I think it will be hard to pull off. And if you're going to have her turn the tables on her captors with some sort of delicious sexual torture, then yes, by all means finish it. Jeni's progression from naif to dominatrix will be a lot of fun to watch.
In an environmentally friendly way, of course. But of course, as we like to say over in the Story Feedback Forum, we're not here to tell you what you should do in the future. We're here to tell you what you shouldn't have done in the past.
I think the rest of us were there as soon as she realized that Frank, a creepo from the first time we meet him, had been in the back of the truck the whole time and Bobbby hadn't bothered to mention it. But now, she seems to swing back and forth between thinking she's in trouble and thinking that she's in some idyllic paradise, although the only real evidence for that seems to be that she gets to go for a nice walk with Bobby. If Frank hadn't appeared until much later, I could maybe buy her settling in with Bobby, and accepting a weekend with a guy she accepted a ride with.
As for continuing, if you're going to let Jeni become one of those rape victims who learns to love her assaulters, I would say no. There are enough of those stories out there already, and it seems to me they merely play into a masculine fantasy about how women "want" to be treated. If you're going to turn her into a victim of Stockholm syndrome, responding not to the rape but simply to her identification with her captors, then maybe yes, although I think it will be hard to pull off. And if you're going to have her turn the tables on her captors with some sort of delicious sexual torture, then yes, by all means finish it. Jeni's progression from naif to dominatrix will be a lot of fun to watch.
In an environmentally friendly way, of course. But of course, as we like to say over in the Story Feedback Forum, we're not here to tell you what you should do in the future. We're here to tell you what you shouldn't have done in the past.
starrkers
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MarshAlien said:
She's meant to be a bit too trusting. Guess I got that down
My original plan was to have her acquiesce to the whole deal and then get dropped off at a roadhouse somewhere when the weekend ended. I nixed that as totally lame.
Now I'm trying to figure out who leaves and who dies, because they can't all get out of this unscathed.
In an environmentally friendly way, of course. But of course, as we like to say over in the Story Feedback Forum, we're not here to tell you what you should do in the future. We're here to tell you what you shouldn't have done in the past.
Thanks for taking the time to read it, Marsh. I appreciate it.
MarshAlien
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starrkers said:
Frank! Frank! Frank!
Penelope Street
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I read the opening to this story once- but I can't remember when. I liked, and still do, that tiny initial scene- although one sentence perhaps should have been a pair instead: Life was a once only ride and be damned if she was going to get bogged down in Hicksville, with a dead end office job slowly sucking all the life and light out of her to make some rich asshole even richer.
After that scene, the story gets a little bogged down. I'm not sure where I quit reading the first time, but I'm a fickle reader and it could have been this early:She was enjoying the total freedom of solo life on the road. She didn't know where she was going; it didn't really matter right now. She had enough money to just float for bit longer before she needed to get work. At this point, I don't see this character having any immediate issues and I'm not feeling any tension. Jeni's had wanderlust for sometime, right? Although I like the opening scene and the following exposition does build character, my intuition is that the story may have started just a little too soon and a better point might have been with her sitting beside the road.
But maybe I think that because one of my stories starts there.
The story more or less skips the part where the trucker and Jeni get to know one another: After the initial chatter, she had settled into a companionable silence with the driver, Bobby he said his name was. He was a pleasant enough type -- not sweaty, nor overweight. She wasn't sure about his breath yet. He was a couple of years older than her, but it seemed they agreed on a lot of things, shared a love of nature and hatred of office jobs and he was mildly envious of her footloose lifestyle. He'd agreed to take her as far along his route as she wanted. I'd have preferred getting to know Jeni through seeing and hearing her interact with the unnamed trucker. There has to be some tension here too, before Jeni decides he's alright and settles in.
I really didn't care for this POV shift: Bobby was totally at ease -- he often had women here. He knew how it worked. They either settled down after the initial surprise or they didn't. If they settled, they both had fun; if they didn't, Bobby still got a weekend away from the road.Not only is the perspective change an issue, but it is really too much for me to believe that many other women have taken pleasure from being raped. And wouldn't it make for a better story if Jeni was unique in enjoying it?
The section that follows, aside from the fluctuating perspective, is really good. I like how you didn't rush things.
She began to feel sexy. I just didn't believe this. It's not what I would feel and I really need to see it in order to believe Jeni feels it. This later piece is so much better: She arched her back, pushing her breasts into their mouths. Her hips bucked on the finger, writhing, trying to get some attention on her clit. She could feel the juices running out of her.
Jeni took a deep breath, opening her mouth to let fly with a string of abuse.
I'd really like to hear all of her words, and theirs.
After that scene, the story gets a little bogged down. I'm not sure where I quit reading the first time, but I'm a fickle reader and it could have been this early:She was enjoying the total freedom of solo life on the road. She didn't know where she was going; it didn't really matter right now. She had enough money to just float for bit longer before she needed to get work. At this point, I don't see this character having any immediate issues and I'm not feeling any tension. Jeni's had wanderlust for sometime, right? Although I like the opening scene and the following exposition does build character, my intuition is that the story may have started just a little too soon and a better point might have been with her sitting beside the road.
But maybe I think that because one of my stories starts there.
The story more or less skips the part where the trucker and Jeni get to know one another: After the initial chatter, she had settled into a companionable silence with the driver, Bobby he said his name was. He was a pleasant enough type -- not sweaty, nor overweight. She wasn't sure about his breath yet. He was a couple of years older than her, but it seemed they agreed on a lot of things, shared a love of nature and hatred of office jobs and he was mildly envious of her footloose lifestyle. He'd agreed to take her as far along his route as she wanted. I'd have preferred getting to know Jeni through seeing and hearing her interact with the unnamed trucker. There has to be some tension here too, before Jeni decides he's alright and settles in.
I really didn't care for this POV shift: Bobby was totally at ease -- he often had women here. He knew how it worked. They either settled down after the initial surprise or they didn't. If they settled, they both had fun; if they didn't, Bobby still got a weekend away from the road.Not only is the perspective change an issue, but it is really too much for me to believe that many other women have taken pleasure from being raped. And wouldn't it make for a better story if Jeni was unique in enjoying it?
The section that follows, aside from the fluctuating perspective, is really good. I like how you didn't rush things.
She began to feel sexy. I just didn't believe this. It's not what I would feel and I really need to see it in order to believe Jeni feels it. This later piece is so much better: She arched her back, pushing her breasts into their mouths. Her hips bucked on the finger, writhing, trying to get some attention on her clit. She could feel the juices running out of her.
Jeni took a deep breath, opening her mouth to let fly with a string of abuse.
I'd really like to hear all of her words, and theirs.
The story seems a lot more like a Halloween tale than one associated with Earth Day. Overall, it's a well-written n/c piece. Even if it might be a little formulaic, I can see some hints that it's not going to stay that way. I'm surprised to learn it was written in haste- it sure feels like you put a lot of thought into it. I think the major shortcoming of the story is the wavering perspective. I'm also not sure about revealing that Bobby and Frank are murderers. While this knowledge might increase the tension regarding Jeni's ultimate fate, it decreases the mystery and eroticism- it's really hard to share her sexual excitement when I know what they have planned. As a plot ingredient, I like that Bobby and Frank are absolutely evil, instead of run of the mill rapists, but I think it is revealed too soon and distances the reader from Jeni's experience.Starrkers said:
I noticed the issues with Jeni's position and maybe one where she can see while blindfolded. Other than those, I only saw one typo- I think it was 'on' instead of 'only'.Starrkers said:
I'm still having a lot of trouble believing Jeni doesn't make a run for it sometime during that walk. Other than Jeni being a pinch too naive for a seasoned hitchhiker, I didn't have any issue with the characters. How much room for movement is there? Plenty. You can go anywhere with this one.Starrkers said:
If this was my story, Jeni would realize they intend to kill her soon- especially since the reader already knows. She'd then try to imagine any way out and the best way I can think of is to play one against the other. She could start paying attention to only one of them, to the point of even faking orgasms with him while more or less just laying there for his companion. I could believe this leading to a rift where one man wants to keep her longer and the other insists on carrying through with the original plan. From there, the story can go a lot of places other than the aforementioned burial site- and I hope no one wants it to go there.Starrkers said:
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Penelope Street
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I like this idea.Marsh said:
Oh. I'm totally willing to do both!Marsh said:
Good, because it would have been!Starrkers said:
I guess it depends whether you're gonna submit part two for Halloween...Starrkers said:
MarshAlien
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Penelope Street said:
You have to make sure, though, that you don't get too close to Irving Wallace's The Fan Club, where they kidnap an actress, ostensibly to get a ransom, but then simply to rape her. She kind of does the same thing to the guys in that story.
Penelope Street
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Guess I missed that one, but would the similarity be an issue? No matter what Jeni does, some character in another story has probably done it too. So how does the actress escape and what happens to her captors?MarshAlien said:
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Penelope Street
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I thought a little more about making Jeni's reactions seem more believable and this pair of lines came to mind:
She just objected to it being expected of her, particularly from some overweight sweaty lump whose breath smelt like a grease pit. and He was a pleasant enough type -- not sweaty, nor overweight. She wasn't sure about his breath yet.
If this is a serious fetish for Jeni, fit men who don't sweat and brush their teeth often, that could go a long way toward explaining her behavior if Bobby exhibits these characteristics at just the right times.
Unrelated- I adore this little line: She'd missed the boat.
I realize it's more telling than showing, but it's so to the point- nothing more need be said to convey her angst.
She just objected to it being expected of her, particularly from some overweight sweaty lump whose breath smelt like a grease pit. and He was a pleasant enough type -- not sweaty, nor overweight. She wasn't sure about his breath yet.
If this is a serious fetish for Jeni, fit men who don't sweat and brush their teeth often, that could go a long way toward explaining her behavior if Bobby exhibits these characteristics at just the right times.
Unrelated- I adore this little line: She'd missed the boat.
I realize it's more telling than showing, but it's so to the point- nothing more need be said to convey her angst.
SimonBrooke
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She dies
(OK: yes, it's me. No, I don't know whether I'm staying. Apologies to everyone I just dropped suddenly when I disappeared. And if you don't know or don't remember who I was, never mind, you haven't missed much.)
OK, the trouble about writing erotic stories about dangerous themes is they are dangerous, and you have responsibility for both your characters and your audience. As you say, you really can't resolve this story with them dropping her off at the truckstop on Monday morning with a 'so long, see you next week'.
What we've seen so far is 'just' rape. But rape is never 'just' rape, because we use one word to describe a whole range of behaviours. This rape is in some ways a particularly culpable one - although not (yet) particularly violent - because it's so cold-bloodedly planned, and so manipulatively executed. These guys weren't drunk or drugged on in the fog of war. This isn't a spur-of-the-moment aberration. And as they'd clearly planned it before they'd even met her, they weren't overwhelmed by lust. Furthermore there's a strong implication that this is a long way from being the first time they'd done it.
(which, BTW, raises another issue up thread.
for this story to work as narrated, it isn't necessary that Jeni's predecessors have enjoyed being raped. It's only necessary that Bobby has managed to persuade himself that her predecessors enjoyed it. You need to inject some clue here that Bobby may be an unreliable narrator, though.)
Let's suppose, though, that Bobby and Frank have been doing serial rapes in the same area for some time. The evidence in the story is that they have. They're very practised, and the hideaway they've put together is quite elaborate. There are more or less three options:
(1) They've been picking on women with such low self esteem that none of them have complained;
(2) They've got local law enforcement completely sewn up (how?);
(3) Jeni's predecessors haven't left there alive.
These options are not mutually exclusive. They could well be releasing the ones who they think won't cause trouble, and killing the others. But these are not nice guys. Even in the spectrum of rapists, these are not nice guys.
Ways I think you could take this story are
(1) (without changing anything you've got so far) Jeni discovers quite soon that at least some girls haven't made it out of there alive. Which gives you a horror and a detective thread to the narrative, as well as the psychological problem (for Jeni) of how to persuade them she's safe to release.
(2) (you'd need to make either Bobby or Frank more sophisticated) The boys know about Stockholm Syndrome, and have been studying how to induce it in women, so that by the time they are released the victims are no longer motivated to go to the authorities.
What helps you is that, if this is a snuff exercise, Bobby and Frank are going to be motivated to keep her alive for a good while, at least until they're utterly bored of her, because if they're taking one woman a week off the streets the local police are bound to notice sooner or later.
I don't think with this you can go for the 'and she falls in love with her rapists and they all live happily ever after' thing. I'm not saying that you can never write a story in which a woman, on balance, comes to see a rape as a positive experience; and I'm not saying you can never write a story about a woman who comes to forgive someone whose raped her and go on to have a relationship with him. These things certainly have happened in real life, and probably more often than anyone admits. I'm also not saying you can't write pure fantasy about consequenceless rape. Rape is 'hot' for both (some) men and (some) women, for complicated reasons that it can be very uncomfortable to examine closely.
But I don't think you can do that with these characters. She's too self-aware, too street-wise; and they're too sociopathic. This is, fundamentally, going to end up a tragedy for someone. If Jeni gets away, she isn't going to let Bobby and Frank prey on young women into the future; if she does, she's complicit. So either they kill her, or she kills them, or she gets away and turns them in.
I think.
But it's not my story, so you can ignore this if you want to.
starrkers said:
(OK: yes, it's me. No, I don't know whether I'm staying. Apologies to everyone I just dropped suddenly when I disappeared. And if you don't know or don't remember who I was, never mind, you haven't missed much.)
OK, the trouble about writing erotic stories about dangerous themes is they are dangerous, and you have responsibility for both your characters and your audience. As you say, you really can't resolve this story with them dropping her off at the truckstop on Monday morning with a 'so long, see you next week'.
What we've seen so far is 'just' rape. But rape is never 'just' rape, because we use one word to describe a whole range of behaviours. This rape is in some ways a particularly culpable one - although not (yet) particularly violent - because it's so cold-bloodedly planned, and so manipulatively executed. These guys weren't drunk or drugged on in the fog of war. This isn't a spur-of-the-moment aberration. And as they'd clearly planned it before they'd even met her, they weren't overwhelmed by lust. Furthermore there's a strong implication that this is a long way from being the first time they'd done it.
(which, BTW, raises another issue up thread.
Penelope Street said:
for this story to work as narrated, it isn't necessary that Jeni's predecessors have enjoyed being raped. It's only necessary that Bobby has managed to persuade himself that her predecessors enjoyed it. You need to inject some clue here that Bobby may be an unreliable narrator, though.)
Let's suppose, though, that Bobby and Frank have been doing serial rapes in the same area for some time. The evidence in the story is that they have. They're very practised, and the hideaway they've put together is quite elaborate. There are more or less three options:
(1) They've been picking on women with such low self esteem that none of them have complained;
(2) They've got local law enforcement completely sewn up (how?);
(3) Jeni's predecessors haven't left there alive.
These options are not mutually exclusive. They could well be releasing the ones who they think won't cause trouble, and killing the others. But these are not nice guys. Even in the spectrum of rapists, these are not nice guys.
Ways I think you could take this story are
(1) (without changing anything you've got so far) Jeni discovers quite soon that at least some girls haven't made it out of there alive. Which gives you a horror and a detective thread to the narrative, as well as the psychological problem (for Jeni) of how to persuade them she's safe to release.
(2) (you'd need to make either Bobby or Frank more sophisticated) The boys know about Stockholm Syndrome, and have been studying how to induce it in women, so that by the time they are released the victims are no longer motivated to go to the authorities.
What helps you is that, if this is a snuff exercise, Bobby and Frank are going to be motivated to keep her alive for a good while, at least until they're utterly bored of her, because if they're taking one woman a week off the streets the local police are bound to notice sooner or later.
I don't think with this you can go for the 'and she falls in love with her rapists and they all live happily ever after' thing. I'm not saying that you can never write a story in which a woman, on balance, comes to see a rape as a positive experience; and I'm not saying you can never write a story about a woman who comes to forgive someone whose raped her and go on to have a relationship with him. These things certainly have happened in real life, and probably more often than anyone admits. I'm also not saying you can't write pure fantasy about consequenceless rape. Rape is 'hot' for both (some) men and (some) women, for complicated reasons that it can be very uncomfortable to examine closely.
But I don't think you can do that with these characters. She's too self-aware, too street-wise; and they're too sociopathic. This is, fundamentally, going to end up a tragedy for someone. If Jeni gets away, she isn't going to let Bobby and Frank prey on young women into the future; if she does, she's complicit. So either they kill her, or she kills them, or she gets away and turns them in.
I think.
But it's not my story, so you can ignore this if you want to.
Rumple Foreskin
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Starrkers, I made nit-picky notations and suggestions (IN CAPS) while reading the story. Use 'em, abuse 'em, lose 'em.
Story-wise, my main problems are:
1. A long, long opening backstory that adds little, IMHO, to the development of Jeni's character or to the story.
2. Numerous POV shifts following the backstory. POV shifts aren't wrong, but they can confuse readers and distract from the story. In this case, letting readers "see" into first Bobby's and then Frank's minds kills any suspense other than the question of when are they'll do da dirty deed.
3. I agree with Penelope, as a safe move, that if you want to develop the characters, then some of the initial conversation between Bobby and Jeni probably needs to be included.
4. As for characters, I didn't get much of a feel for the men, and not much more for Jeni. She's living her life like a Bruce Springstein song, "No retreat, no surrender." Doing things her way. The guys are more like an Eagles' number, just "running down the road trying to loosen their load." I'm not sure how the weekend will change either her or the men.
Hope some of that helps.
Rumple Foreskin
==
Unnatural Progression
by starrkers©
(FIRST TWO SENTENCES BEGIN WITH “IT”) It was time to go. It wasn't fun anymore, and if it wasn't fun, what else was there? Jeni pondered this a moment, pausing(JAS: OMIT “A MOMENT, PAUSE”) as she stuffed her meagre belongings into the(A) worn and stained duffle.
Life was a once only ride and be damned if she was going to get bogged down in Hicksville, with a dead(-)end office job slowly sucking all the life and light out of her to make some rich asshole even richer.
She wondered how "normal" people managed when it wasn't fun anymore. The people with jobs and mortgages and kids, how did they go on -- especially the ones with kids -- they couldn't just pack their stuff and walk out to thumb a ride. No wonder so many of them looked miserable all the time and bitched about their wives and husbands, their jobs, bosses and workmates when they gave her that lift away from not fun.
Screw that.
With that thought, (JAS: OMIT “WITH THAT THOUGHT”) she zipped the old bag closed and quietly left the room, hoisting the duffle on her shoulder as she crossed the cracked car park and headed for the highway.
***
Three weeks later Jeni was standing on the side of a different road, having hopped rides with truckers, a couple of businessmen on a road trip, and three girls in a beat(-)up minibus heading cross country to a global warming rally. They'd offered her a permanent place on the bus and she was tempted, but decided she needed to do her own thing for a while -- she'd been in a group or, more recently, one of a couple, (CONFUSING) and making group decisions for nearly two years.
(NEXT FOUR SENTENCES BEGIN WITH “SHE”) She was enjoying the total freedom of solo life on the road. She didn't know where she was going; it didn't really matter right now. She had enough money to just float for (A) bit longer before she needed to get work. She could waitress if she had to, but she planned to rejoin the picker and packer route of the seasonal fruit harvesters, which was how she usually kept herself alive when the weather was warm. The work was physical, but the rewards were good if you were. And she was good, really enjoying(ENJOYED) working in the fields and orchards. Besides, if the job became a drag, or the people gave her grief, she could walk out any time, getting paid for what she'd done so far and just moving on.
Right now she was drifting slowly west, towards California, staying in places as a(OMIT “A”) long as the mood took her, keeping to minor highways when she moved on. There were fewer vehicles than on the interstates, but more chance of being picked up. It seemed the asshole quota was a bit lower too –(JAS: BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) on the major routes too many drivers thought they were buying something when they stopped. Jeni had forgotten that minor problem about travelling alone; it didn't come up as often when you were with someone.
Not that she hadn't been known to give a ride for a ride, if the mood took her. She just objected to it being expected of her, particularly from some overweight sweaty lump whose breath smelt like a grease pit. Some people had no respect for themselves. Was it any wonder they had no respect for anything else?
Jeni sat on her duffle, letting her mind drift as she waited for the sound of traffic. The day was perfect: sun warm, a gentle breeze wafting the aroma of nature -- leaves, grasses and blossom -- to her. She remembered trying to describe this smell to a tightass in a suit who'd given her a lift several years before. He just didn't get it. To him it was all cowshit and mud. He never saw the beauty all around him, he was too busy with the "real" world of business and getting ahead. "You seem like a smart girl, why don't you make something of yourself instead of throwing your life away?"
She smiled at the memory, shaking her head. As far as Jeni was concerned, the way she lived was far more "real" than his, and it was he who was throwing his life away. Sadly, she thought, he was probably helping throw the planet away too.
The rumble of a big diesel engine intruded on her reverie. She stood, thrusting out her tits and her thumb hopefully. She'd learned the tit trick years ago -- her companions always laughed at how she could get the male drivers to stop and the females to accelerate. And most truckers were male, so she was fairly sure of a lift.
Hoisting her bag, she plastered a cheerfully grateful smile on her face as the truck pulled up beside her and chirped her thanks as she climbed aboard, (TECHNICALLY, AS WRITTEN, THE TRUCK AND JUST PULLED UP AND CHIRPED) sliding the duffle onto the seat between her and the driver.
(TO EACH THEIR OWN, STYLE-WISE, BUT IMHO THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH BACK-STORY. AT OVER 800 WORDS, IT’D QUALIFY FOR SUBMISSION TO LIT BY ITSELF.)
***
After the initial chatter, she had(JAS: “HAD” CAN BE OMITTED SINCE “SETTLED” IS PAST TENSE) settled into a companionable silence with the driver, Bobby he said his name was. He was a pleasant enough type -- not sweaty, nor overweight. She wasn't sure about his breath yet. He was a couple of years older than her, but it seemed they agreed on a lot of things, shared a love of nature and hatred of office jobs and he was mildly envious of her footloose lifestyle. He'd agreed to take her as far along his route as she wanted. (THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A LOT OF “INITIAL CHATTER” FOR HER TO LEARN ALL THAT.)
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY)
Once she'd decided he was all right, she dragged the duffle onto the floor and rested her feet on it, scooting down in the seat to get more comfortable. Bobby grinned at the removal of the barrier between them. He knew he'd passed the test. She trusted him.
(POV SHIFT BACK TO JENI)
It wasn't until the sound of the door slamming woke her up(OMIT “UP”) that she realised she'd been asleep. She sat up, peering out the windows to figure out how long she'd been asleep and try(OMIT “TRY”) to get an idea of where they were, to see if there was a name on the diner.
There was no diner. There was no gas station, no truck stop, nothing. There was a little cabin in the middle of nowhere. Bobby must've turned off somewhere down a lane.(JAS: OMIT “DOWN A LANE”) The truck was parked beside the cabin on a dirt track surrounded(LINED?) by trees. There was no sign of the main road. There was no sound. Even the CB was quiet. Jeni sat up very straight, very fast. What the hell was going on?
--
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY) "Great, let's get that kettle ready." Bobby was totally at ease -- he often had women here. He knew how it worked. They either settled down after the initial surprise or they didn't. If they settled, they both had fun; if they didn't, Bobby still got a weekend away from the road.
He filled the kettle and set it on the stove, ready for when he heard the generator kick in.(THESE GUYS HAVE AN ELECTRIC STOVE INSTEAD OF ONE THAT BURNED WOOD?) While he waited he began to unpack the box of supplies into the pantry and fridge, tossing an old newspaper and a box of matches to Jeni.
(POV SHIFT TO JENI)
"I'll grab some kindling if you can lay a fire for us for later. Just leave the matches on the mantel." He went out the back. Jeni thought, briefly, about making a run for it, but she had no idea which direction to run in, her gear was still in the truck and then there was Frank...
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY)
Bobby nodded and smiled at her back as he re-entered the room to see her on her knees, balling up newspaper and setting it in the grate. She might just be one of the ones that settled down. He hoped she would. It was always better when they enjoyed themselves too. He set the wood beside her as a cough and a deep throbbing rumble announced Frank's success with the generator.
(POV SHIFT TO JENI)
Bobby made coffee for himself and Jeni and motioned her to sit at the table while they drank it. There was no mug for Frank, no sign he was intending to join them. She looked around her as she sipped her drink.
Three more doors led off the main room. One, heavily bolted, led out the back, the second, she guessed, led to a bathroom. The third was open and Jeni stared into the room beyond.
It was obviously the bedroom, dimly lit. Almost the entire room was taken up with an enormous iron framed bed, covered by a thick deep red satin quilt and a pile of black satin covered pillows. It was definitely not what she expected of a back to nature single man. But then again, how much of that story was true?
Without realising it, she (STOOD AND?) moved toward the room, mesmerised. At the doorway, she realised the window was heavily shuttered, accounting for the darkness. The floor was covered in a thick Persian style rug but it was the wall adornment that caught her eye. Three large mirrors, one on each darkly painted wall, were focussed on the bed.
A large old timber and iron chest sat beside the bed. It reminded Jeni of pirates and treasure; it even had a big chunky padlock holding it closed.
The room was totally opulent and completely incongruous in the setting of the cabin. Jeni realised the tranquil out of the way location had nothing to do with love of nature and everything to do with this one room.
She back-pedalled away from this scene, bumping into Bobby who had followed her closely but (JAS: OMIT “CLOSELY BUT”) unnoticed into the room. "I like to keep this room nice," his voice was a rough tickle in her ear. "I don't have much, but it's good to have one special place, don't you think?"
Jeni ricocheted away from him, coming to a stop in the middle of the main room, now completely unnerved. She looked wildly around her.
"Where's your friend?" She half(-)expected him to materialise in the middle of the room.
"Frank's got some stuff he wants to check on the truck. That's his, like the cabin's mine. We're a team. He might even sleep in the truck." Bobby's smile had a knowing certainty about it. "Unless he's needed in here."
She shivered as he moved around her, not quite touching her, and sat at the table again, watching her, watching his words sink into her consciousness, watching their effect.
(NOT SURE WHOSE POV THIS IS)
Any moment now, he was going to call out to Frank and together they would tackle her and drag her, screaming, into that room, that incredibly erotic room. They would tie her to the bed, tear her clothes off and make her their sex slave ... Frank would roll camera while Bobby did her every which way... they would turn her into a porn queen... Frank would hold her down while Bobby raped her... did unspeakable things to her... they would kill her and bury her out the back, with all the others...
"Don't let your coffee get cold."
The voice made her jump, almost scream, as the mundane sentence jarred with her thoughts. She stared at him. He looked so completely normal. She was now thoroughly confused, her thoughts chasing each other around her head, arguing with each other, throwing accusations and recriminations, warnings and bleats of caution at her.
Maybe she was imagining it and was seeing a threat where there was none. Maybe he was just a fellow nature lover with a penchant for exotic sleeping areas...Maybe she'd been without for just long enough to think everything was about sex.
She sat, sipping her coffee so it wouldn't get cold, staring at nothing, while her mind argued with itself.
Bobby sat, sipping his coffee, watching her.
Jeni had reached the point of personal abuse -- berating herself for her suspicious nature on one hand and cursing herself for her trusting nature on the other. She was in deep trouble; she was imagining things. She had to escape; she wasn't a captive.
(JUST WONDERING: WHY DOESN’T SHE ASK, WITH REGRET, TO BE TAKEN BACK TO THE MAIN HIGHWAY, CLAIMING FRIENDS ARE EXPECTING HER IN SOME NEARBY TOWN THE NEXT DAY?)
Once again, it was Bobby who broke the silence and again the mundane ease of his query jarred with her furious imaginings.
"I'm gonna take a walk, see if any of my furry friends are about. I've gotten to know some of the local wildlife. But I haven't been here for a while, so I want to see how everyone's going. Wanna come?"
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY)
He hoped she'd agree. He liked this girl. She wasn't cute, she wasn't perky, and she wasn't plastic. She was real.
Somehow it began to matter that she ease up and enjoy her stay. It never had before. He'd had girls here before, sure. But they weren't real, like Jeni. He'd picked most of them up in bars, not on the road. She loved nature, like he did. And a walk in the forest would be a great way to start the weekend.
(POV SHIFT TO JENI)
A walk? Sure, why not? Go straight to the burial site. Save him the effort of carrying the body later. Jeni shook her head at the pathetic groove her thoughts seemed stuck in and stood up.
"I'd love to. What do you normally see around here?"
He didn't answer directly. Just nodded, smiled and headed out the door.
She followed Bobby into the sun and across the yard to a track in the forest, feeling the need to babble rising within her, fuelled by her unease. (JAS: MOVE “RISING WITHIN HER” HERE) Why had he nodded? What was he smiling about? Where were they going, exactly?
--
Jeni gradually relaxed as they moved among the trees. The peace of the place seeped into her. Off to one side(ADD A COMMA) she could hear a woodpecker,(OMIT COMMA) hammering after a meal. There were bird calls and the occasional rustle of underbrush. Bobby hadn't said a word since they left the cabin, and Jeni no longer felt the urge to pester him with questions. It didn't matter where they were going. They were already here.
Ahead, the forest was opening up and Bobby was slowing down, (JAS: THE FOREST OPENED AHEAD. BOBBY SLOWED, “) taking more care not to make noise. He moved to the right and stopped, just off the now almost invisible path. As Jeni approached(ADD COMMA) he offered his hand and guided her through a group of boulders to a large flat rock that had been chocked up as a seat.
--
She looked at him for a long moment, then shrugged and held out her arm. Frank tossed one end of the cord carelessly over the bed head out of the way,(“BED HEAD” - CONFUSING) looped the other and around Jeni's wrist and tied a simple yet elegant knot. It slid up tight around her wrist and then seemed to lock in place, not cutting into her, but not loosening either.
--
Her skin quivered as she gasped little breaths of terror-filled air, her eyes never leaving the knife's glinting blade. Bobby rose off her legs and she felt the hems(CUFFS?) of her jeans grabbed and tugged. Frank was at work. As soon as the jeans were gone, Bobby brought the knife down, cutting her panties away.
--
At first, she fought the sensation, flabbergasted that her body could react that way to this situation. She been tied up and stripped and(AT?) knifepoint and left on this bed! But what a bed. And they hadn't hurt her -- the knife was just to get rid of the clothes. They hadn't hurt her yet.
--
So why was her body responding to them? She could feel the fire within her flare as she saw their nakedness,(SHE’S BLINDFOLDED – NEED TO ADD SOMETHING LIKE, “IN HER MIND”) the tingle growing low in her belly, her chest tightening. She was furious -- with them for daring to do this and then treat it like a game, and with her own body for enjoying it.
--
She was tight, deliciously so(ADD COMMA) and it took all his control not to come immediately. But that would ruin their plans, so he took it slowly, easing in and out, driving further in with each thrust, blocking out the sounds she was making. He worked silently, concentrating on keeping control, managing to gain a tighter grip on himself the further he advanced until he was buried balls deep in her.
--
At a nod from Bobby he began (TO) lift her, sliding his cock out of her until on(LY) the head remained inside. Then he slammed into her, pulling her down onto him as he pushed up. He burst through the dam wall holding back her release. She screamed and convulsed, jamming herself harder down onto him as her pussy clenched down hard.
Bobby watched, intent on her ass clenching and releasing as the waves of orgasm overtook her. He held a small, well lubed butt plug and, as he saw the pucker relax, he eased it in to(INTO) her.
--
Gasping, sweaty and exhausted he rolled off her, to see Bobby climbing onto the bed, taking Frank's place.(AWKWARD) Jeni accepted him eagerly. His cock was not as thick as Frank's and she was wide open. He slammed into her, fucking her hard, holding her ankles high and wide apart.
Story-wise, my main problems are:
1. A long, long opening backstory that adds little, IMHO, to the development of Jeni's character or to the story.
2. Numerous POV shifts following the backstory. POV shifts aren't wrong, but they can confuse readers and distract from the story. In this case, letting readers "see" into first Bobby's and then Frank's minds kills any suspense other than the question of when are they'll do da dirty deed.
3. I agree with Penelope, as a safe move, that if you want to develop the characters, then some of the initial conversation between Bobby and Jeni probably needs to be included.
4. As for characters, I didn't get much of a feel for the men, and not much more for Jeni. She's living her life like a Bruce Springstein song, "No retreat, no surrender." Doing things her way. The guys are more like an Eagles' number, just "running down the road trying to loosen their load." I'm not sure how the weekend will change either her or the men.
Hope some of that helps.
Rumple Foreskin
==
Unnatural Progression
by starrkers©
(FIRST TWO SENTENCES BEGIN WITH “IT”) It was time to go. It wasn't fun anymore, and if it wasn't fun, what else was there? Jeni pondered this a moment, pausing(JAS: OMIT “A MOMENT, PAUSE”) as she stuffed her meagre belongings into the(A) worn and stained duffle.
Life was a once only ride and be damned if she was going to get bogged down in Hicksville, with a dead(-)end office job slowly sucking all the life and light out of her to make some rich asshole even richer.
She wondered how "normal" people managed when it wasn't fun anymore. The people with jobs and mortgages and kids, how did they go on -- especially the ones with kids -- they couldn't just pack their stuff and walk out to thumb a ride. No wonder so many of them looked miserable all the time and bitched about their wives and husbands, their jobs, bosses and workmates when they gave her that lift away from not fun.
Screw that.
With that thought, (JAS: OMIT “WITH THAT THOUGHT”) she zipped the old bag closed and quietly left the room, hoisting the duffle on her shoulder as she crossed the cracked car park and headed for the highway.
***
Three weeks later Jeni was standing on the side of a different road, having hopped rides with truckers, a couple of businessmen on a road trip, and three girls in a beat(-)up minibus heading cross country to a global warming rally. They'd offered her a permanent place on the bus and she was tempted, but decided she needed to do her own thing for a while -- she'd been in a group or, more recently, one of a couple, (CONFUSING) and making group decisions for nearly two years.
(NEXT FOUR SENTENCES BEGIN WITH “SHE”) She was enjoying the total freedom of solo life on the road. She didn't know where she was going; it didn't really matter right now. She had enough money to just float for (A) bit longer before she needed to get work. She could waitress if she had to, but she planned to rejoin the picker and packer route of the seasonal fruit harvesters, which was how she usually kept herself alive when the weather was warm. The work was physical, but the rewards were good if you were. And she was good, really enjoying(ENJOYED) working in the fields and orchards. Besides, if the job became a drag, or the people gave her grief, she could walk out any time, getting paid for what she'd done so far and just moving on.
Right now she was drifting slowly west, towards California, staying in places as a(OMIT “A”) long as the mood took her, keeping to minor highways when she moved on. There were fewer vehicles than on the interstates, but more chance of being picked up. It seemed the asshole quota was a bit lower too –(JAS: BEGIN NEW SENTENCE) on the major routes too many drivers thought they were buying something when they stopped. Jeni had forgotten that minor problem about travelling alone; it didn't come up as often when you were with someone.
Not that she hadn't been known to give a ride for a ride, if the mood took her. She just objected to it being expected of her, particularly from some overweight sweaty lump whose breath smelt like a grease pit. Some people had no respect for themselves. Was it any wonder they had no respect for anything else?
Jeni sat on her duffle, letting her mind drift as she waited for the sound of traffic. The day was perfect: sun warm, a gentle breeze wafting the aroma of nature -- leaves, grasses and blossom -- to her. She remembered trying to describe this smell to a tightass in a suit who'd given her a lift several years before. He just didn't get it. To him it was all cowshit and mud. He never saw the beauty all around him, he was too busy with the "real" world of business and getting ahead. "You seem like a smart girl, why don't you make something of yourself instead of throwing your life away?"
She smiled at the memory, shaking her head. As far as Jeni was concerned, the way she lived was far more "real" than his, and it was he who was throwing his life away. Sadly, she thought, he was probably helping throw the planet away too.
The rumble of a big diesel engine intruded on her reverie. She stood, thrusting out her tits and her thumb hopefully. She'd learned the tit trick years ago -- her companions always laughed at how she could get the male drivers to stop and the females to accelerate. And most truckers were male, so she was fairly sure of a lift.
Hoisting her bag, she plastered a cheerfully grateful smile on her face as the truck pulled up beside her and chirped her thanks as she climbed aboard, (TECHNICALLY, AS WRITTEN, THE TRUCK AND JUST PULLED UP AND CHIRPED) sliding the duffle onto the seat between her and the driver.
(TO EACH THEIR OWN, STYLE-WISE, BUT IMHO THAT’S WAY TOO MUCH BACK-STORY. AT OVER 800 WORDS, IT’D QUALIFY FOR SUBMISSION TO LIT BY ITSELF.)
***
After the initial chatter, she had(JAS: “HAD” CAN BE OMITTED SINCE “SETTLED” IS PAST TENSE) settled into a companionable silence with the driver, Bobby he said his name was. He was a pleasant enough type -- not sweaty, nor overweight. She wasn't sure about his breath yet. He was a couple of years older than her, but it seemed they agreed on a lot of things, shared a love of nature and hatred of office jobs and he was mildly envious of her footloose lifestyle. He'd agreed to take her as far along his route as she wanted. (THERE MUST HAVE BEEN A LOT OF “INITIAL CHATTER” FOR HER TO LEARN ALL THAT.)
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY)
Once she'd decided he was all right, she dragged the duffle onto the floor and rested her feet on it, scooting down in the seat to get more comfortable. Bobby grinned at the removal of the barrier between them. He knew he'd passed the test. She trusted him.
(POV SHIFT BACK TO JENI)
It wasn't until the sound of the door slamming woke her up(OMIT “UP”) that she realised she'd been asleep. She sat up, peering out the windows to figure out how long she'd been asleep and try(OMIT “TRY”) to get an idea of where they were, to see if there was a name on the diner.
There was no diner. There was no gas station, no truck stop, nothing. There was a little cabin in the middle of nowhere. Bobby must've turned off somewhere down a lane.(JAS: OMIT “DOWN A LANE”) The truck was parked beside the cabin on a dirt track surrounded(LINED?) by trees. There was no sign of the main road. There was no sound. Even the CB was quiet. Jeni sat up very straight, very fast. What the hell was going on?
--
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY) "Great, let's get that kettle ready." Bobby was totally at ease -- he often had women here. He knew how it worked. They either settled down after the initial surprise or they didn't. If they settled, they both had fun; if they didn't, Bobby still got a weekend away from the road.
He filled the kettle and set it on the stove, ready for when he heard the generator kick in.(THESE GUYS HAVE AN ELECTRIC STOVE INSTEAD OF ONE THAT BURNED WOOD?) While he waited he began to unpack the box of supplies into the pantry and fridge, tossing an old newspaper and a box of matches to Jeni.
(POV SHIFT TO JENI)
"I'll grab some kindling if you can lay a fire for us for later. Just leave the matches on the mantel." He went out the back. Jeni thought, briefly, about making a run for it, but she had no idea which direction to run in, her gear was still in the truck and then there was Frank...
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY)
Bobby nodded and smiled at her back as he re-entered the room to see her on her knees, balling up newspaper and setting it in the grate. She might just be one of the ones that settled down. He hoped she would. It was always better when they enjoyed themselves too. He set the wood beside her as a cough and a deep throbbing rumble announced Frank's success with the generator.
(POV SHIFT TO JENI)
Bobby made coffee for himself and Jeni and motioned her to sit at the table while they drank it. There was no mug for Frank, no sign he was intending to join them. She looked around her as she sipped her drink.
Three more doors led off the main room. One, heavily bolted, led out the back, the second, she guessed, led to a bathroom. The third was open and Jeni stared into the room beyond.
It was obviously the bedroom, dimly lit. Almost the entire room was taken up with an enormous iron framed bed, covered by a thick deep red satin quilt and a pile of black satin covered pillows. It was definitely not what she expected of a back to nature single man. But then again, how much of that story was true?
Without realising it, she (STOOD AND?) moved toward the room, mesmerised. At the doorway, she realised the window was heavily shuttered, accounting for the darkness. The floor was covered in a thick Persian style rug but it was the wall adornment that caught her eye. Three large mirrors, one on each darkly painted wall, were focussed on the bed.
A large old timber and iron chest sat beside the bed. It reminded Jeni of pirates and treasure; it even had a big chunky padlock holding it closed.
The room was totally opulent and completely incongruous in the setting of the cabin. Jeni realised the tranquil out of the way location had nothing to do with love of nature and everything to do with this one room.
She back-pedalled away from this scene, bumping into Bobby who had followed her closely but (JAS: OMIT “CLOSELY BUT”) unnoticed into the room. "I like to keep this room nice," his voice was a rough tickle in her ear. "I don't have much, but it's good to have one special place, don't you think?"
Jeni ricocheted away from him, coming to a stop in the middle of the main room, now completely unnerved. She looked wildly around her.
"Where's your friend?" She half(-)expected him to materialise in the middle of the room.
"Frank's got some stuff he wants to check on the truck. That's his, like the cabin's mine. We're a team. He might even sleep in the truck." Bobby's smile had a knowing certainty about it. "Unless he's needed in here."
She shivered as he moved around her, not quite touching her, and sat at the table again, watching her, watching his words sink into her consciousness, watching their effect.
(NOT SURE WHOSE POV THIS IS)
Any moment now, he was going to call out to Frank and together they would tackle her and drag her, screaming, into that room, that incredibly erotic room. They would tie her to the bed, tear her clothes off and make her their sex slave ... Frank would roll camera while Bobby did her every which way... they would turn her into a porn queen... Frank would hold her down while Bobby raped her... did unspeakable things to her... they would kill her and bury her out the back, with all the others...
"Don't let your coffee get cold."
The voice made her jump, almost scream, as the mundane sentence jarred with her thoughts. She stared at him. He looked so completely normal. She was now thoroughly confused, her thoughts chasing each other around her head, arguing with each other, throwing accusations and recriminations, warnings and bleats of caution at her.
Maybe she was imagining it and was seeing a threat where there was none. Maybe he was just a fellow nature lover with a penchant for exotic sleeping areas...Maybe she'd been without for just long enough to think everything was about sex.
She sat, sipping her coffee so it wouldn't get cold, staring at nothing, while her mind argued with itself.
Bobby sat, sipping his coffee, watching her.
Jeni had reached the point of personal abuse -- berating herself for her suspicious nature on one hand and cursing herself for her trusting nature on the other. She was in deep trouble; she was imagining things. She had to escape; she wasn't a captive.
(JUST WONDERING: WHY DOESN’T SHE ASK, WITH REGRET, TO BE TAKEN BACK TO THE MAIN HIGHWAY, CLAIMING FRIENDS ARE EXPECTING HER IN SOME NEARBY TOWN THE NEXT DAY?)
Once again, it was Bobby who broke the silence and again the mundane ease of his query jarred with her furious imaginings.
"I'm gonna take a walk, see if any of my furry friends are about. I've gotten to know some of the local wildlife. But I haven't been here for a while, so I want to see how everyone's going. Wanna come?"
(POV SHIFT TO BOBBY)
He hoped she'd agree. He liked this girl. She wasn't cute, she wasn't perky, and she wasn't plastic. She was real.
Somehow it began to matter that she ease up and enjoy her stay. It never had before. He'd had girls here before, sure. But they weren't real, like Jeni. He'd picked most of them up in bars, not on the road. She loved nature, like he did. And a walk in the forest would be a great way to start the weekend.
(POV SHIFT TO JENI)
A walk? Sure, why not? Go straight to the burial site. Save him the effort of carrying the body later. Jeni shook her head at the pathetic groove her thoughts seemed stuck in and stood up.
"I'd love to. What do you normally see around here?"
He didn't answer directly. Just nodded, smiled and headed out the door.
She followed Bobby into the sun and across the yard to a track in the forest, feeling the need to babble rising within her, fuelled by her unease. (JAS: MOVE “RISING WITHIN HER” HERE) Why had he nodded? What was he smiling about? Where were they going, exactly?
--
Jeni gradually relaxed as they moved among the trees. The peace of the place seeped into her. Off to one side(ADD A COMMA) she could hear a woodpecker,(OMIT COMMA) hammering after a meal. There were bird calls and the occasional rustle of underbrush. Bobby hadn't said a word since they left the cabin, and Jeni no longer felt the urge to pester him with questions. It didn't matter where they were going. They were already here.
Ahead, the forest was opening up and Bobby was slowing down, (JAS: THE FOREST OPENED AHEAD. BOBBY SLOWED, “) taking more care not to make noise. He moved to the right and stopped, just off the now almost invisible path. As Jeni approached(ADD COMMA) he offered his hand and guided her through a group of boulders to a large flat rock that had been chocked up as a seat.
--
She looked at him for a long moment, then shrugged and held out her arm. Frank tossed one end of the cord carelessly over the bed head out of the way,(“BED HEAD” - CONFUSING) looped the other and around Jeni's wrist and tied a simple yet elegant knot. It slid up tight around her wrist and then seemed to lock in place, not cutting into her, but not loosening either.
--
Her skin quivered as she gasped little breaths of terror-filled air, her eyes never leaving the knife's glinting blade. Bobby rose off her legs and she felt the hems(CUFFS?) of her jeans grabbed and tugged. Frank was at work. As soon as the jeans were gone, Bobby brought the knife down, cutting her panties away.
--
At first, she fought the sensation, flabbergasted that her body could react that way to this situation. She been tied up and stripped and(AT?) knifepoint and left on this bed! But what a bed. And they hadn't hurt her -- the knife was just to get rid of the clothes. They hadn't hurt her yet.
--
So why was her body responding to them? She could feel the fire within her flare as she saw their nakedness,(SHE’S BLINDFOLDED – NEED TO ADD SOMETHING LIKE, “IN HER MIND”) the tingle growing low in her belly, her chest tightening. She was furious -- with them for daring to do this and then treat it like a game, and with her own body for enjoying it.
--
She was tight, deliciously so(ADD COMMA) and it took all his control not to come immediately. But that would ruin their plans, so he took it slowly, easing in and out, driving further in with each thrust, blocking out the sounds she was making. He worked silently, concentrating on keeping control, managing to gain a tighter grip on himself the further he advanced until he was buried balls deep in her.
--
At a nod from Bobby he began (TO) lift her, sliding his cock out of her until on(LY) the head remained inside. Then he slammed into her, pulling her down onto him as he pushed up. He burst through the dam wall holding back her release. She screamed and convulsed, jamming herself harder down onto him as her pussy clenched down hard.
Bobby watched, intent on her ass clenching and releasing as the waves of orgasm overtook her. He held a small, well lubed butt plug and, as he saw the pucker relax, he eased it in to(INTO) her.
--
Gasping, sweaty and exhausted he rolled off her, to see Bobby climbing onto the bed, taking Frank's place.(AWKWARD) Jeni accepted him eagerly. His cock was not as thick as Frank's and she was wide open. He slammed into her, fucking her hard, holding her ankles high and wide apart.
rachlou
Ice maiden
- Joined
- Jul 30, 2006
- Posts
- 1,514
Hi Starkkers, I read this when you posted it for the Earth Day contest. I liked it a lot as it appeals to one of my especially warped fantasies. The sex is hot (despite the nit picky things i've mentioned) and the heroine is plucky enough not be too annoying.
As others have said, the changes in POV are a little distracting. Personally I think the story would be far more effective if you stuck to narration from Jeni's POV only. Allowing us to enter the head of both Bobby and Frank removes a lot of the tension as we get too many clues as to their end game. I'd rather be kept guessing - like Jeni.
Okay, here goes...............
I don't think you need this line. It's the story equivalent of a creepy soundtrack. We already know what might be coming, so don't hit us over the head with it too soon.
Should be AT
This is the only time you refer to a blindfold at this point in the story. The rest of the time you make references to what she can see - a bit difficult when you're blindfolded!! I would lose the blindfold.
Sudden shift in POV again.
I'm sorry but you lost me here. I spent ages trying to work out how he managed this task without slipping out! I must practice. I'm also confused as to how Bobby reaches her ass to apply lube as i thought jeni was now on her back, with Frank on top? It's beginning to resemble a game of Twister in my confused mind.
Should be only
Hold on - I thought she was already on her back?
Second reference to the blindfold.
It is difficult to see where the story could go at the end of this chapter. My vote goes with the gory revenge ending, ie, Jeni makes her escape eventually, after fighting tooth and nail for her freedom using a variety of nasty tools. Kind of a Texas Chainsaw climax whereby she is found at the roadside, bloodied, naked and traumatised.
Feel free to ignore my comments - i'm slightly high on paint fumes.
As others have said, the changes in POV are a little distracting. Personally I think the story would be far more effective if you stuck to narration from Jeni's POV only. Allowing us to enter the head of both Bobby and Frank removes a lot of the tension as we get too many clues as to their end game. I'd rather be kept guessing - like Jeni.
Okay, here goes...............
I don't think you need this line. It's the story equivalent of a creepy soundtrack. We already know what might be coming, so don't hit us over the head with it too soon.
Should be AT
This is the only time you refer to a blindfold at this point in the story. The rest of the time you make references to what she can see - a bit difficult when you're blindfolded!! I would lose the blindfold.
Sudden shift in POV again.
I'm sorry but you lost me here. I spent ages trying to work out how he managed this task without slipping out! I must practice.
I'm also confused as to how Bobby reaches her ass to apply lube as i thought jeni was now on her back, with Frank on top? It's beginning to resemble a game of Twister in my confused mind.Should be only
Hold on - I thought she was already on her back?
Second reference to the blindfold.
It is difficult to see where the story could go at the end of this chapter. My vote goes with the gory revenge ending, ie, Jeni makes her escape eventually, after fighting tooth and nail for her freedom using a variety of nasty tools. Kind of a Texas Chainsaw climax whereby she is found at the roadside, bloodied, naked and traumatised.
Feel free to ignore my comments - i'm slightly high on paint fumes.
