Story Disc. Rachelle's Fundamental 6-20-12

[269Thalia]

Hey hey - looking for some constructive crit on "Rachelle's Fundamental Treatment," here is part 1 of 2 ...

http://www.literotica.com/s/rachelles-fundamental-treatment-01

Such as, dialogue, realism, action, character. Do you want to keep reading or does it leave you yawning. Stuff like that. It is funny? Do you want more/less?

Thanks guys n gals,

Thal

 

[kuellar]

Hi there -

I thought this was well-written, although the style (quick sentences, present tense) took a bit of getting used to. You ask about realism, action, and character, so here are my thoughts on those:

As far as realism goes, I think for the most part you've done a good job. I'm not particularly well-versed in the hospital setting but nothing struck me as immersion-breaking. I like how you introduce little details to emphasise her humiliating position without going overboard, such as the drapes being left slightly open, and the doctor's slightly condescending tone ("Can we lie back now...?"). Although things get pretty weird, the lead up is good enough that I didn't really question most things. It is odd how the nurses all seem out to "get" Rachelle, but I suppose that will be explained in subsequent chapters.

For character, my suggestion would be to flesh out the beginning a little more. Maybe she gets out of bed as the pain continues, goes downstairs and tries to watch TV, take her mind off the pain; maybe she thinks tomorrow's a big day, I can't afford this, and feels sorry for herself for a while. (That could also come into play later - the nurse could tell her she should have come in straightaway, and if she had this painful procedure wouldn't be necessary.) Or something - just let us spend a little more time with Rachelle at the start. I think that makes her a more sympathetic protagonist, makes her feel more human, helps us root for her, feel for her a little more. There's also an opportunity to expand the atmosphere: contrasting the peaceful night with the pain she's feeling; maybe some description of the eerie, lonely clinical setting of the hospital waiting area to emphasise her alone-ness and foreshadow the darker turn ahead. Basically, I think it's worth considering a bit more setup, rather than having her just rush into the hospital and get probed pretty much straightaway! (Especially since most of the story is narrated in short, matter-of-fact declarative sentences, which make everything seem a bit surreal; they add an air of dissociation, I think - that's okay, given her pain and rather unusual situation later in the story, but it would be good to have a bit of grounding early on to put all this into perspective.)

And as for the action, I think you did a good job with the pacing - right up until the end. I was quite thrown by the fantasy she had in the shower; it really came out of nowhere - princesses and dragons? I suppose she could be delirious from the painkillers, but there wasn't any real indication that she was this far gone. I think it would be better to ease into this a little bit... Or is the whole princess/dragon thing even necessary? And I think it's a bit too sudden how "close" Rachelle and Nadine become - maybe a bit more of Rachelle contrasting Nadine with the previous nurse, thinking how much nicer Nadine is... I dunno. First pain, then humiliation, then suddenly lust and affection? It just feels a bit too rushed.

As an additional (small) point, I think some of your descriptions can get a little incongruous:
- "Her purse rests on the seat, the long Tee she likes to sleep in covers her pink short-shorts. Her sun-bleached hair is a loose halo around her strained features." The details of her purse and clothing and hair feel out of place here - the focus should be on her predicament. I think it's better if you work the details in from that angle - so her purse is thrown hastily on the seat, tipped over on its side instead of "resting" there as though carefully placed; mention that she doesn't stop to change her clothes rather than just plainly saying what she's wearing; talk about her hair being messy and unkempt, not a "loose halo".
- Dr Chen "massaging her in a reassuring way" immediately after she shows her concern at her exposure and her discomfort at his intimate touch - surely the most reassuring thing would be for him to be completely professional, touching her only when and where he needs to? I'm also not sure about the way he addresses her - I feel like he should call her "Miss Williams", at least, rather than the very impersonal "Miss".
- The description of her pussy as "swanky" - is that a particular regional slang? As far as I'm aware it means "fashionable" or "stylish"... which seems an odd way to describe a pussy.
- "The nurse fakes a hand motion toward the IV bag." - how do you "fake" a hand motion? I think I know what you're trying to say, but maybe something like "The nurse motions dismissively toward the IV bag" would work better.
- "One, secretly bisexual, nods knowingly at the other" - seems like a contradiction: nodding "knowingly" implies that her bisexuality isn't a "secret".
- "Her insides are wide open to the relaxing brew." - um, "relaxing"? Is that sarcasm?

Finally, some small typos:
""Tell me about it, Rachelle," says wryly." - misplaced punctuation there
"She laughs gets up." - maybe missing a comma?

===

I think this was an unusual, but entertaining tale. I wouldn't say it's funny, exactly, but it has a certain dark humour to it that I was able to appreciate. It definitely didn't leave me yawning, but I think it would be significantly better if we had a little more empathy for Rachelle (with a more fleshed-out introduction). So, on the whole - nicely done

Good luck with the rest of the chapters, and happy writing!

 

[269Thalia]

Hey kuellar - good one, and thanks a ton. You privided the kind of insights every writer dreams of, from a literate mind that takes time to actually evaluate what they are reading.

You caught me in a couple of goofs, which means I shouldn't be in such a damn hurry sometimes. No excuse really, should simply be more careful.

You also caught me violating my own rule, in the 'purse on the seat hair a halo around her strained features' para... I really prefer to let facts out slowly when they mean something to the action, instead of sticking a blob of description out front that the reader won't recall when the time comes. Thanks for the reminder.

You also exposed the fact that Rachelle is slightly 2D... drat...

There is a second Rachelle chapter posted... not sure if you got there, if not you might enjoy it.

Right now I am taking a look at Blood for a Succubus... you are a writer, dude, one of the few I have found on here. Your thoughts are compact and succinct.

Thanks again for the insightful read and commentary.

Later,

Thal

 

[kuellar]

No problem, glad it helped! I didn't get to the second chapter until after I posted here - I enjoyed that too, though it took the dark humour thing to a whole new level! But I think you struck a good balance between making me laugh and making me angry, if you know what I mean.

Thanks for taking the time to read my stuff - I haven't written anything new in a while, but it's much appreciated!