Story Critique Please.

[toknight]

Princess of Hannya is posted under Erotic Horror.
I'd particularly like to know what parts, if not all, sound too trashy and/or amateurish, and I'd like to know how I could improve the transitions when the character enters the house, is enveloped by evil, then finds herself tied up.
Please point out spelling and grammar mistakes. I know 'stripped' is spelled wrong.
Full critiques would be great, and I'd appreciate your thoughts and honesty.
Thank you.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

construction

I don't read horror, so I don't know what the expectations of the usual readers are. This piece is quite short and the build-up and climax must be hard to do in that space. So I can't say whether it 'works' overall. But on the whole it's well done. As you ask for detailed criticism I'll give it, but don't take that as a sign of badness.

The transition you're worried about is at about the right pace, but a bit puzzling. Who's there? Who's Ronnie, and are Hannya and Lucifer there in person or only in a picture? Ronnie is only mentioned twice, the first time about half way through: She shrilled again; he glanced at the portrait and cursed Ronnie, then grabbed the knife and then at the end. The first mention makes it sound like the main male character is not Ronnie: so who is? Why does the man curse him?

Then she saw Hannya naked and in chains, but is this reality or a vision? This doesn't have to be clear yet, but then she not only sees but hears Lucifer: in the flesh or in the imagination? Is this a brief glimpse of the real people (entities, whatever they are)? Next she awakes and there's no Hannya there, in any form, but there's now a picture of Lucifer on the wall. Is this what she saw before? But how did she hear it?

It's okay to have visions, and even pictures that speak. It's not the unreality that's the problem: it's the fact that it's unclear what we're supposed to get an impression of.

I can't see anything I would call clichéd in the story. It all seems fresh and well thought out. Your scene transitions and climaxes are in the right places.

 

[Rainbow Skin]

language

One big thing that doesn't work well is the swaying to and fro between cold, stark language redolent of evil, and colloquial sexual language. First it's a trip to the head to jerk-off and then He almost creamed his shorts that don't belong with the previous build-up. This schoolboyish casualness doesn't go with black blood coating teeth, and smiting crowns, and hissing, and all the other elements of horror and tension.

Then The bitch was awake, and pissed off! and one hell of a shrill: both very colloquial. Also, these are an intrusion of his thoughts into an otherwise descriptive scene. You should stick with describing or stating his thoughts, not switching briefly into his perspective.

The breaking of tension at the end is different: that sounds okay to me. But someone who knows horror might disagree, and say that you should end with the same more formal language.

Apart from that, the language use is very good indeed. Variety of sentences, sophistication of word choice, comfortable grammar and punctuation, it's all there. However, there are quite a few little things that sound subtly odd, almost as if you're not a native speaker of English. This will look like a long list, but each one by itself is minor.

pre-ejaculated Is there such a word? There's premature ejaculation, and pre-cum, but I don't think I've seen 'pre-ejaculated' in Literotica or elsewhere. It's okay to invent words, but you should be aware of the decision if you do.

her nude body I think this should be 'her naked body' but it's very hard to say why. 'Nude' sort of implies a pose, like art models.

dinning dining?

the traditional easy-to-get ignorant child. Awkward, but hard to say why. Perhaps because 'child' is figurative: she thinks of the man as a child, and children are ignorant, but continuing the metaphor, children are not easy-to-get (as sexual partners) nor traditional.

She dawned herself in black leather This puzzled me - a lovely image if she'd dawned herself in peach or lavender, but doesn't make sense for black. Then it occurred to me in your accent this could be pronounced the same as 'donned'. But you don the clothing: you don't don yourself in the clothing. (You can dress or garb or clothe yourself in something.)

Everyone in the lounge starred stared. As with dining and strip(p)ed, long vowel indicated by -e keeps single consonant, short vowel doubles it: dinE ~ dined, dining, starE ~ stared, staring, but striP ~ striPPed, striPPing.

He was handsome, dressed sharp Juxtapositions without 'and' are starting to become a habit. I liked 'She wanted to suck..., wanted to bite' and 'stood erect..., wanting, waiting' and 'loved the anticipation, her own endurance', but already by the third one it was noticeable stylistically. Now 'handsome, dressed sharp' doesn't have the rhythm that the other ones did. And you keep on doing it: 'she was stunned, gripped', and 'lapped at her ears, called her', and so on. You should be aware of this quirk and not do it quite so much. Each one usually sounds good, it's just that it happens too often.

It was either that or a trip to the head to jerk-off or he'd come in his pants. It was either A or B. It was that or he'd do C. But it sounds wrong to combine them as: It was either A or B or he'd do C.

He drew..., placed it..., and put..., and then went to her. A similar thing. The first 'and' is taken to mark the last member: He did A, B, and C. It sounds subtly wrong to then add 'and then'.

He leaned in until his lips pressed her hair... and then proved his confidence The first reading of this is that his lips pressed and then proved. You have to backtrack on realizing it was he who proved, not his lips that did. Also, 'he proved his confidence' sounds a little odd by itself. It's not something you can just do, you have to do it by doing something, like 'by saying:'.

and then kissed him, licked his lips I'd use more 'then' and less 'and then'; and there's no rhythmic reason here to lose the 'and' from where it should be: 'then kissed him and licked his lips'.

an evil far greater than she 'an evil far greater than her' would be more natural. There are still people who write 'than she' under the false impression that grammar books order them to, but it sounds stilted.

she was in a humiliating position: He had gagged her he had gagged her, lower-case h: after a colon you're still in the same sentence.

and, his DNA was No comma after 'and': also, this is a metaphor too far. His DNA is in his saliva and hair too. Unless he's actually impregnated her there seems no point drawing attention to the DNA when you mean semen.

he couldnn't believe his eyes couldn't

In momentary pandemonium In momentary panic. Pandemonium is the home of all the demons, and is a permanent turmoil: it doesn't go with 'momentary'.

then she spit it spat

Never before had he met with such. I don't think you can end with 'such' (except in the idiom 'as such'). It should be 'such a one' or 'such a thing' or 'the like'.

and then it was as if all the meat within disintegrated, only skin and bones, and a small gold medallion remained.
'Only skin and bones' sounds like it belongs with the previous clause, as if you'd said 'There was no more meat, only skin and bones'. The 'only' joins it contrastively to the previous one. But what you're trying to say is 'Only skin and bones and a small gold medallion remained'. This doesn't want a comma: you don't write 'A, and B remained'. So you still don't write it even if A is C and D. You could use a comma if the medallion was an afterthought: 'Skin and bones, and a small gold medallion, were all that remained'. But by starting with 'only' you have to list all the things: skin and bone and medallion. You can't add another in a sort of parenthesis. Now, how do we connect this to the previous clause, if 'only' gives it the wrong reading? I'd suggest 'with only skin and bones and a small gold medallion remaining'.

 

[toknight]

Rainbow Skin,

Your critique impressed the Hell out of me! Thank you!

I'm a native of California. I moved to Japan when I was twenty-four. I've been speaking Japanese ever since--and I've studied Korean. When I went back to California in 1990, many people thought I might have come from Europe. Now I guess my English has suffered more than I thought, more than just pronunciation. Hell, sometimes I can't even remember vocabulary!

Thank you again for your professionalism!

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Aha, I wondered about the yen mentioned, but the oddities didn't really fit a native Japanese speaker. I suppose omitting 'and' could come from the -te form of the verb.

California, like most of the western US, has don and dawn the same, and seeing that I could tell you were probably American-accented; but the thing that really made me think you a non-native was not knowing the construction for don. A non-native would reasonably think you could clothe or garb or dress yourself in leather, therefore you can *don yourself in leather, but a native would know that's impossible.

That was why I pursued it, fascinated by these subtleties, and encouraged by your open desire for all critiquing.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

The story was good and you are on a fairly consistant path with your writeing. Next time I would slow the story down by adding some smooth extending sentences.

I felt like I was being rushed to get onto the next idea, so then the end comes.

context of words is important in a story because that is all the reader has. If you are not sure of the correct word ask.

I would rather you broke the story so you knew each word than to add words you are not comfortable with.

Erotic Horror not an easy story I myself do not agree with the category because "Erotic" and "Horror" do not mix very well. Like oil and water as much as you mix it it still remains mostly separate. Erotic arouse Horror deflates at least for me.

Have you written in another category? interested.

 

[toknight]

Comments

7inch,
Thank you for your comments. I understand what you wrote about erotica and horror. It's difficult to get the mix just right, but it has been done; it's done here everyday! Wish I could do it, but I'm a macabre/horror writer who LOVES sex, so I end up writing a mishmash of dark macabre and splatterpunk with odd sexual stuff--that's also why I don't have anything under other categories.
My Morbid Macabre Collection should be available by Christmas, I hope! This story won't be in it, but a sister story will be, along with a never before seen exerpt of my novella, Entropy.
Princess of Hannya is one of many shorts--usually found in my newsletter--in a series related to Entropy Book II.

Your comments are taken to heart. Thank you.