Stories by MJL2010

[mjl2010]

Soooo. Got my Halloweenie contest entry in. Devils Night Awakening. As they say in Chicago. Vote early and Vote often. Um. Well Vote anyway. Please?

Now here's a Lucky Boy who got really lucky.

Anyway, please read and enjoy. If you don't care for the stroke value, then maybe you'll judge the writing instead.

MJL

 

[tickledkitty]

I just read 'Rage.' Wow. That really took me back. I really liked the 'The Catcher in the Rye' feel of the narrator's voice.

I think with your little disclaimer at the beginning you could have given the teacher and principal names instead of just using initials.

Also, I wasn't quite sure why you got so angry so quickly, to the point of being in a blind rage. I'm not saying it couldn't happen. Just maybe explaining a little more of the why of it might be more effective.

I don't think you need to explain the word Gatsby. I think everybody knows it well enough. Although, maybe a kid wouldn't realize this and would feel the need to explain it. Not sure.

Usually, me and a few friends would get together before school and run or lift weights or something. I generally parked my old beat up pickup truck...The beginning of this paragraph confused me momentarily. I didn't realize it was the next day. You might want to explain that.

 

[mjl2010]

I just read 'Rage.' Wow. That really took me back. I really liked the 'The Catcher in the Rye' feel of the narrator's voice.

I think with your little disclaimer at the beginning you could have given the teacher and principal names instead of just using initials.

Also, I wasn't quite sure why you got so angry so quickly, to the point of being in a blind rage. I'm not saying it couldn't happen. Just maybe explaining a little more of the why of it might be more effective.

I don't think you need to explain the word Gatsby. I think everybody knows it well enough. Although, maybe a kid wouldn't realize this and would feel the need to explain it. Not sure.

Usually, me and a few friends would get together before school and run or lift weights or something. I generally parked my old beat up pickup truck...The beginning of this paragraph confused me momentarily. I didn't realize it was the next day. You might want to explain that.

After I wrote Rage, I read it about a dozen times before I submitted it and never realized no one else would understand why I was so angry and why I got that way so quickly.

After I submitted it someone else mentioned that as well and I went back and read it again. You're right of course. The trouble is, I can't explain why I got so angry and so quickly. I was offended and deeply so, I can say that. Maybe something happened earlier that already had the juices going, so to speak. I'm not sure. I don't even remember what the bitch said.

It was a one time experience for me, being that angry. It never happened again like that. As big and domineering as I am, most people will tell you I'm a teddy bear at heart.

Five or six attempts at getting a VE have failed for me, I've given up. On occasion I've asked others to give my stuff a read, just for feedback and thats been helpful.

Anyway, thanks for your comments and I keep learning.

MJL

 

[tickledkitty]

So was the "Catcher" thing intentional?

 

[mjl2010]

So was the "Catcher" thing intentional?

It wasn't intentional. I'm embarrassed to admit I've never read "Catcher in the Rye." There was some sort of controversy when I was in school and it was struck from the required reading list while I was there. I should order up a copy or get it from the library.

Kind of odd, if someone had actually told me to never read it, you can bet your pretty tush I'd have read it. Back then I was too wrapped up in sports and girls to read a whole lot, although I've always loved reading.

MJL

 

[tickledkitty]

Yeah, you should read it. It's timeless. I didn't read it either until a few months ago and had a very emotional response to it. I'm not sure exactly why.

 

[_Lynn_]

I read "Rage"

The trouble is, I can't explain why I got so angry and so quickly. It was a one time experience for me, being that angry.

I didn't have a problem with this. Maybe since I was "her" on too many occasions, I know how the anger builds until you have no control. Food for thought.

The story didn't hold my interest very well. Though you cover a span of time, there isn't a real plot that I could see. Yes, it's a true story you're telling, but I was ready for more. You've set up the shy girl, the big, tough protector, the cruel teacher......the pregnancy issue was a let-down at the end. It had nothing in it to make me get excited about it.

On the good side, you have a nice start. Your writing shows you took the time to put out a piece that wasn't filled with errors.

Good luck with your writing.

My opinion only.

ML

 

[mjl2010]

Snapshots

This seemed to take forever to get approved. Maybe it was just me. Anyway.

Snapshots is a little different. A gentle Master and his beautiful girl. Enjoy!

MJL

 

[mjl2010]

Silhouettes

Silhouettes is my latest try. Already some don't like it. Enjoy.

 

[mjl2010]

Soooo. Got my Halloweenie contest entry in. Devils Night Awakening. As they say in Chicago. Vote early and Vote often. Um. Well Vote anyway. Please?

Now here's a Lucky Boy who got really lucky.
Anyway, please read and enjoy. If you don't care for the stroke value, then maybe you'll judge the writing instead.

MJL