Stop feeling worthless

[human_male]

Staying away from assholes is a great first step. Changing an ingrained aspect of your personality like not feeling bad about yourself when someone else treats you bad, I believe would take a lot more work than a bit of friendly advice from strangers can offer.

 

[jerseyman1963]

well i don't wanna go celibate and not have anything to do with guys at all I know that, after I finally got away from my first boyfriend, I had sex about 2 times in about 4 years, more so cos I was depressed than wanting to be celibate, but I kept away from men because I felt even more worthless than I do now, but it was a different kind of worthless, if that makes any sense. So I'm not looking for spiritual guidance or anything, I just don't wanna feel bad when someone else treats me bad cos it's not like they care how I feel so why should I feel bad when they're assholes

I told myself this year things would change and I wouldn't get mixed up with said assholes, guess I wanna try my best to get over the mistakes from last year and make sure they don't happen again.

When I'm having a good day I know I'm worth more than they treated me, but then on a bad day I feel worthless

I know the worthless feeling you too have experienced. In hindsight from my own experience I learned that I'd rather be lonely and or horny than risk putting myself in a position that would make me feel worhtless again. Thus my suggestion to take some steps to slow the process down so you can spend more time assessing any potential partners, and figuring out if they are going to do it for you emotionally as well as physically.

But Human Male is right. The stuff we're talking about is more deeply ingrained in our personality than a simple cyber conversation is going to solve. It's not as simple as learning to make a better choice between Bachelor Number One and Bachelor Number Two. You also have to figure out what you're bringing to the party, where your preconceptions and thought process may be going wrong too. There are no easy Step 1-2-3's for that.

 

[ickle_stace]

I know the worthless feeling you too have experienced. In hindsight from my own experience I learned that I'd rather be lonely and or horny than risk putting myself in a position that would make me feel worhtless again. Thus my suggestion to take some steps to slow the process down so you can spend more time assessing any potential partners, and figuring out if they are going to do it for you emotionally as well as physically.

But Human Male is right. The stuff we're talking about is more deeply ingrained in our personality than a simple cyber conversation is going to solve. It's not as simple as learning to make a better choice between Bachelor Number One and Bachelor Number Two. You also have to figure out what you're bringing to the party, where your preconceptions and thought process may be going wrong too. There are no easy Step 1-2-3's for that.

Some guys I've slept with and didn't feel worthless for it, so aslong as I know from the beginning that they are my friend and they aren't just after sex whilst pretending to want a relationship i'm fine, so I don't see the point in being celibate because of some assholes, cos there have been nice guys in the past, it's just been more suited to a friendship cos there's been a physical attraction and nothing more, but those guys I'm still friends with and so that's different to a one night stand which was according to the assholes going to be a relationship.

See, the problem is, I feel worthless from these guys, but then being totally alone makes me depressed, so if I go celibate, then I'm going to be depressed cos I want affection and attention, I just want it in a different way than the assholes give it to me, so I don't feel bad afterwards.

 

[skizbees]

Friends don't let friends sleep with each other! It gets awkward.

 

[ickle_stace]

Friends don't let friends sleep with each other! It gets awkward.

I don't think it always gets awkward

 

[skizbees]

But something about your actions are still eating at you when it comes to casual sex (that's the awkward part, besides seeing someone you've casually slept with on a more frequent basis). Figure out what that is before your next sexual encounter.

 

[ickle_stace]

But something about your actions are still eating at you when it comes to casual sex (that's the awkward part, besides seeing someone you've casually slept with on a more frequent basis). Figure out what that is before your next sexual encounter.

the thing thats eating at me is the assholes who pretend they want me and then discard me like im dirt and don't even wanna know me anymore. Atleast when it's casual sex with a friend they don't treat me like dirt afterwards

 

[skizbees]

the thing thats eating at me is the assholes who pretend they want me and then discard me like im dirt and don't even wanna know me anymore. Atleast when it's casual sex with a friend they don't treat me like dirt afterwards

Then don't hang around those assholes. Have a tune up on your "save an asshole" sensor. Some men discard women as soon as they've been bedded. Casually sleeping with someone offers some men no challenge to get to know someone, let alone form a bonding relationship. It just secures another knotch in their belt loops of how many women they've slept with. Are you really sure you just want a friends with benefits deal? It never works out for both parties.

 

[M's girl]

Then don't hang around those assholes. Have a tune up on your "save an asshole" sensor. Some men discard women as soon as they've been bedded. Casually sleeping with someone offers some men no challenge to get to know someone, let alone form a bonding relationship. It just secures another knotch in their belt loops of how many women they've slept with. Are you really sure you just want a friends with benefits deal? It never works out for both parties.

Well said....

 

[ickle_stace]

Then don't hang around those assholes. Have a tune up on your "save an asshole" sensor. Some men discard women as soon as they've been bedded. Casually sleeping with someone offers some men no challenge to get to know someone, let alone form a bonding relationship. It just secures another knotch in their belt loops of how many women they've slept with. Are you really sure you just want a friends with benefits deal? It never works out for both parties.

I want more, but it ain't that simple, I can't just click my fingers and find someone, maybe other people can but I can't.

 

[skizbees]

I want more, but it ain't that simple, I can't just click my fingers and find someone, maybe other people can but I can't.

No one can do that. Finding a happy, stable, and lasting relationship and sexual compatibility isn't an easy thing. You gotta work to find it and maintain it with your partner mutually.

 

[ickle_stace]

No one can do that. Finding a happy, stable, and lasting relationship and sexual compatibility isn't an easy thing. You gotta work to find it and maintain it with your partner mutually.

I've been lucky to have a happy one, let alone anything else

I'd be happy with someone who wanted to spend time with me for more than sex, but it doesn't look like it's going to

 

[Mazuri]

As long as you're content with casual sex, that is what you will end up with. You have to set your bar a bit higher than that and accept nothing less. Yes, celibacy sucks, and maybe it can be a bit depressing to sit at home alone when your friends are going on dates and stuff, but you know what? That shouldn't define who you are and how good you feel about yourself. You shouldn't let other people, be it what they think or if you're with someone or not, set the price on your worth.

First off, you need to feel worthy of just you...and I'm not getting that from your posts. You seem to truly dislike yourself, and being by yourself, and until that attitude changes, it will be very hard to form a healthy relationship with another person. What's wrong with sitting home on a Friday night if the alternative is an easy lay with someone who only wants a quick screw and then to never talk to you again? Why not go out with friends with no expectations of anything sexual? Going without sex isn't the end of the world and, in the meantime, you can find out what you want.

I'd suggest speaking to a counselor as well since your self-esteem and self-worth are practically nil, from what I can gather. You really need to be happy and content with yourself before you can ever be happy and content with someone else.

I think most people go through a self-destructive phase where they put far more importance on others' opinions: whether it be what a boyfriend thinks, or others think of us if we're not dating, or whatever. The key is to recognize that self-destructiveness and then start working on changing it. It won't happen immediately and it won't be easy to, essentially, alter how you think of yourself; but it will be worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

 

[ickle_stace]

As long as you're content with casual sex, that is what you will end up with. You have to set your bar a bit higher than that and accept nothing less. Yes, celibacy sucks, and maybe it can be a bit depressing to sit at home alone when your friends are going on dates and stuff, but you know what? That shouldn't define who you are and how good you feel about yourself. You shouldn't let other people, be it what they think or if you're with someone or not, set the price on your worth.

First off, you need to feel worthy of just you...and I'm not getting that from your posts. You seem to truly dislike yourself, and being by yourself, and until that attitude changes, it will be very hard to form a healthy relationship with another person. What's wrong with sitting home on a Friday night if the alternative is an easy lay with someone who only wants a quick screw and then to never talk to you again? Why not go out with friends with no expectations of anything sexual? Going without sex isn't the end of the world and, in the meantime, you can find out what you want.

I'd suggest speaking to a counselor as well since your self-esteem and self-worth are practically nil, from what I can gather. You really need to be happy and content with yourself before you can ever be happy and content with someone else.

I think most people go through a self-destructive phase where they put far more importance on others' opinions: whether it be what a boyfriend thinks, or others think of us if we're not dating, or whatever. The key is to recognize that self-destructiveness and then start working on changing it. It won't happen immediately and it won't be easy to, essentially, alter how you think of yourself; but it will be worth it in the long run.

Good luck.

But last time I set my sights higher, I spent 3 and a half years on my own and i was with someone 3 months and then I've been single again since. It's a long time to be alone and lonely

 

[thecharlieman]

It may seem difficult at first considering your age, but please believe those of us that are nearing that half-century mark. We have all been there to some extent, some more than others.

I feel this is one topic that definitely crosses the gender lines.....

Stace, as the others before me have stated, it is really totally in your own hands what you will accept in behavior towards you.

It may seem totally hopeless at this time that you will find what you are looking for, but I, at least, can assure you from personal experience that if you stick to your guns you WILL.

PLEASE, think hard and long about what is really is you want and need from a relationship, and set some goals for yourself to that end. Accept NO compromises!

The others who have responded to this plea for help have also said this, haven't they? Just using different words.


If you need someone to talk to, I'm sure any one of us that have replied would be more than happy to talk. Let us know, OK?

 

[ickle_stace]

It may seem difficult at first considering your age, but please believe those of us that are nearing that half-century mark. We have all been there to some extent, some more than others.

I feel this is one topic that definitely crosses the gender lines.....

Stace, as the others before me have stated, it is really totally in your own hands what you will accept in behavior towards you.

It may seem totally hopeless at this time that you will find what you are looking for, but I, at least, can assure you from personal experience that if you stick to your guns you WILL.

PLEASE, think hard and long about what is really is you want and need from a relationship, and set some goals for yourself to that end. Accept NO compromises!

The others who have responded to this plea for help have also said this, haven't they? Just using different words.


If you need someone to talk to, I'm sure any one of us that have replied would be more than happy to talk. Let us know, OK?

Someone to talk to would be good, dunno if anyone would be able to put up with me and all my problems though

 

[thecharlieman]

check your pm inbox

 

[Mazuri]

But last time I set my sights higher, I spent 3 and a half years on my own and i was with someone 3 months and then I've been single again since. It's a long time to be alone and lonely

There is a big difference in being alone and being lonely. I have been lonely at a party of over 200 people and yet have been very content when by myself and nobody around.

If you continue to lower your expectations, eventually others will stoop down to meet them and then the cycle begins anew. If you use the time alone to find out what you want for yourself, and become happier with you for you and not based on who you're with at the time, then it's time well spent.

 

[ickle_stace]

There is a big difference in being alone and being lonely. I have been lonely at a party of over 200 people and yet have been very content when by myself and nobody around.

If you continue to lower your expectations, eventually others will stoop down to meet them and then the cycle begins anew. If you use the time alone to find out what you want for yourself, and become happier with you for you and not based on who you're with at the time, then it's time well spent.

I was happier with myself at the beginning of last year, but then last year was when all the guys starting using me, so I started feeling worthless again

 

[jerseyman1963]

I'd suggest speaking to a counselor as well since your self-esteem and self-worth are practically nil, from what I can gather. You really need to be happy and content with yourself before you can ever be happy and content with someone else.

I want to echo this. I see a lot of good advice being offered here, and I see you countering every last bit of it. Your defenses are so high that you are not able to even imagine that things could be different, or even consider doing something different than you have been doing.

I really do feel for you. As Charlieman said, this is one that definitely crosses gender lines. But this is not going to happen by magic, and all the talking in the world is not going to help if you have a, "Yes, but..." waiting for every suggestion.

If there is one single suggestion here that you focus on, it should be Mazuri's. Speaking to a counselor could help you learn to think about and approach things differently, which will get you where you want to go eventually.

 

[NippleMuncher]

I want to echo this. I see a lot of good advice being offered here, and I see you countering every last bit of it. Your defenses are so high that you are not able to even imagine that things could be different, or even consider doing something different than you have been doing.

Thanks for being so eloquent. I had the exact same thought but couldn't come up with a way to say it without being "mean", and at the risk of sounding like it, quite frankly this seems like more of a trolling for attention than an actual "what can I do to change/help/stop the feelings?"

Sorry, that's just how it seems to me.

 

[Mazuri]

Thanks for being so eloquent. I had the exact same thought but couldn't come up with a way to say it without being "mean", and at the risk of sounding like it, quite frankly this seems like more of a trolling for attention than an actual "what can I do to change/help/stop the feelings?"

Sorry, that's just how it seems to me.

Sometimes it can seem that there is nothing you can do to stop bad things happening or believe that you deserve them. I don't have the highest self-esteem myself, but I've learned to stop and take a step back and examine things when I go into what I call "negative overdrive." During these times, it seems like there is no reason to even make the effort as I feel I'll only fail anyway and if I do, well, it's just what I deserved. *sighs* It's not easy to have one of those days and still tell myself that I do deserve good things just because I'm me, but I work on it every day. Some days I succeed and some I don't, but each day I do I am one step closer to not having to make such an effort and that is what keeps me going.

 

[ickle_stace]

Thanks for being so eloquent. I had the exact same thought but couldn't come up with a way to say it without being "mean", and at the risk of sounding like it, quite frankly this seems like more of a trolling for attention than an actual "what can I do to change/help/stop the feelings?"

Sorry, that's just how it seems to me.

I'm hoping I've been around lit long enough to not be classed as a troll!

 

[ickle_stace]

Sometimes it can seem that there is nothing you can do to stop bad things happening or believe that you deserve them. I don't have the highest self-esteem myself, but I've learned to stop and take a step back and examine things when I go into what I call "negative overdrive." During these times, it seems like there is no reason to even make the effort as I feel I'll only fail anyway and if I do, well, it's just what I deserved. *sighs* It's not easy to have one of those days and still tell myself that I do deserve good things just because I'm me, but I work on it every day. Some days I succeed and some I don't, but each day I do I am one step closer to not having to make such an effort and that is what keeps me going.

Sometimes I feel really positive about things, and I think everything is good, and then the next day or even later the same day I can just feel totally worthless again and like I don't deserve anything. Like you said, sometimes I feel worthless and I can pull myself out of it, but then alot of the time I still feel like everything goes wrong cos it's my fault cos I'm not good enough.

On a good day, I can see all the good things I have in my life, my friends, and my family, and I'm doing ok at uni too, but once the bad feelings set in, it can all just be forgotten so easily. I've struggled on and off with the feeling worthless and I just want it to stop cos I'm scared one day I'm gonna feel worthless all the time and never think I'm worth anything

 

[cloudy]

This is going to sound harsh, and I don't really mean it to be, but I know of no other way to say it...

you will get treated exactly the way you allow yourself to be treated.

When I was single, my friends would be around me and a guy I was seeing, and then the next day call me, amazed at how "courtly" so-and-so was while he was around me.

I never opened a door, my date did that for me. Truth is, if they didn't do it automatically, I patiently stood by the door waiting for them to open it, but I wasn't gonna touch it myself.

That's just a small example, but if you expect to be treated well, and are very clear about it, then that's the way you'll be treated by men.

From what I've read (and, admittedly, I don't know you), you just sort of go along with whatever they want to do....stop it right now!

It's a harsh lesson, but you have to develop a backbone, because if you don't, you're sending men the following message: "Treat me like shit, because I don't expect any different, and I'll still keep coming back for more."

Sweet, sensitive people are sexy; doormats aren't. You can change it by simply deciding that it's not going to happen that way anymore.

All up to you.