stinky issue

[watergirl]

I'm sure there are threads about this already, but the search function is glitchy, so here we go.

I've been dating a great guy for about 6 months. It's fun, we have good times, we communicate pretty well and work through things.

The problem is that lately, he smells bad and it's a huge turn-off for me. He's a smoker, and has been since well before we started dating. But now, it's winter.

In summer, he goes out, he smokes, it's warm, the wind blows, he changes his clothes the next day, does laundry, it's tolerable. I still don't like the smoke odor on his hands or breath, but he tries to be considerate about washing his hands, and mints.

But now, it's winter. He smokes in the same big winter jacket all the time, and the odor is getting much worse over time. I mentioned this to him a few weeks ago, offered to wash it if it could be washed, but it's dry clean only. Nothing really came of this conversation.

Fast forward, and to compound the problem.... he's a long haired hippy type guy, who doesn't believe in deoderant. Now, this means he gets kind of stinky in the summer, too, but we shower & it's ok. In winter... layers of clothes, really warm office, walking at a fast clip from work to metro & stuff...

Smoker sweat/b.o. + smoker lingering smoke residue = sometimes such a nasty funk that I have to hold my breath or get away.

There isn't a nice way to say this. He picked up on me pulling away the past few days and asked what was wrong... and I had to tell him, it's that he smells bad lately. I didn't really elaborate. Added on that particular day, he was wearing a just purchased, not yet washed thrift store sweater. Thrift store clothes can be awesome, but should be washed before wearing, imho.

Sooo... there's my tale of what-now? I think he knows where I'm coming from, but I haven't spelled out for him quite what I did here - about the smoking + build up + smoker b.o. = wear deoderant!! And maybe dry-clean that coat once in a while.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I nuts? I also just changed birth controls about a month ago, and I know more/different hormones can amplify women's sense of smell.

 

[Lalah]

Well if you're not too sure how to tell him all this without hurting him you could consider writing it in a letter. It's the kind of things that sting less when written politely in a letter, and you don't even have to give it to him. Just writing it will clarify your thoughts and make the eventual discussion smother.

I find when I have issues like this writing them in a letter addressed to the person really help me. Most of the time I end up just destroying the letter, but the therapeutic effect is still there.

 

[watergirl]

*nods*

I agree. That's why I'm using Lit-sters as a sounding board. I feel like I could follow up with an e-mail to him about what we talked about, but I'm looking for the right tone... I feel like there isn't a way to say it without hurt feelings.

 

[PhilGarlic]

watergirl

You need to be up front, tell him exactly how his smell turns you off but suggest ways to prevent it
Not all hippys smell just some of them!
Second thoughts most of them.

 

[Lalah]

I agree. That's why I'm using Lit-sters as a sounding board. I feel like I could follow up with an e-mail to him about what we talked about, but I'm looking for the right tone... I feel like there isn't a way to say it without hurt feelings.

Feed him a bait to lessen the blow. Tell him you've been really horny for the last couple days but the smell turns you off.

 

[watergirl]

nah...

I don't see any need to lie about it. I usually am pretty in the mood. He knows that, so when I'm not, he knows somethings wrong.

 

[DrHappy]

He REALLY needs to know this. He's not going to change anything unless he knows about it. I actually thought that you were polite in your original post. You can be polite and respectful, but you need to be explicit. It's like to age old problem of having spinach in your teeth. Everyone notices, but no one is willing to say anything. If I were him, I'd rather someone tell me sooner, rather than later. If it affects you this much, I'm sure that it would affect others.

 

[watergirl]

*nods nods*

Very very true, and it's part of my problem. I feel self-conscious on his behalf sometimes, and embarrassed about it. I'm not sure if that should go into the e-mail or not... that if it bugs me, it probably bugs other people, too. And that since he's a smoker, his sense of smell is not as good as that of non-smokers, and he's likely less aware of himself.

I did throw in there that wikipedia says, "In women, the sense of olfaction is strongest around the time of ovulation, significantly stronger than during other phases of the menstrual cycle and also stronger than the sense in males.[7]

thoughts?

 

[Lalah]

I don't see any need to lie about it. I usually am pretty in the mood. He knows that, so when I'm not, he knows somethings wrong.

Who said anything about lying? Getting your medicine is always easier when you're reminded of the advantages.

Would you rather your boyfriend told you turned him off, or that you turned him off but he really can't wait for that to change because oh my god he really want to have sex with you. You just reached for his ego and crushed it. It doesn't hurt to help rebuild it back a little.

 

[lushlucid]

munch on garlic
lots of it ;P

plus, that's what you get for dating a smoking hippy

 

[Mindyvixen]

You have already told him that he smells bad lately, and he has done nothing to change it?? There is really not much more you can do than tell him again..and let him know how much it is bothering you.

 

[watergirl]

hmm

Who said anything about lying? Getting your medicine is always easier when you're reminded of the advantages.

Would you rather your boyfriend told you turned him off, or that you turned him off but he really can't wait for that to change because oh my god he really want to have sex with you. You just reached for his ego and crushed it. It doesn't hurt to help rebuild it back a little.

I see what you mean... so, saying something like,

"I could go buy some deodorant that smells awesome and sexy and would probably make me want to jump you even more than usual, and ask you to wear it. But it's up to you."

is more like what you meant?

 

[watergirl]

munch on garlic
lots of it ;P

plus, that's what you get for dating a smoking hippy

Part of me agrees with you - it makes me wonder if spelling it out for him more is going to help. But I want to make sure he understands this wasn't a random, one day thing - that it's been accumulating this winter, and it's getting beyond what I can deal with.

 

[lushlucid]

Part of me agrees with you - it makes me wonder if spelling it out for him more is going to help. But I want to make sure he understands this wasn't a random, one day thing - that it's been accumulating this winter, and it's getting beyond what I can deal with.

I told my boyfriend something about him that was bothering me once, cant remember what it was and he was like why do you have to say that i dont tell you that your breath doesnt smell very nice right now and im like I'D RATHER YOU DID.

we were pretty honest in our relationship
i loved it, better than something bothering you for months that could easily be fixed.

stop showering for a week and see how he likes it

 

[watergirl]

gahhh

I couldn't possibly not shower for a week - gahh! I'm a teacher, and occasionally we get the stinky kid. We just say, "I know you probably use deodorant in the morning, but sometimes you need to reapply after school with sports or crew or whatnot" and the problem is solved. High school kids are hormonal unfortunates anyways, their bodies are all changing & whatnot.

I'm working out the e-mail as I work on this thread with people - I really appreciate all the input!

 

[Lalah]

I see what you mean... so, saying something like,

"I could go buy some deodorant that smells awesome and sexy and would probably make me want to jump you even more than usual, and ask you to wear it. But it's up to you."

is more like what you meant?

Well I wouldn't say it exactly like that, we all have our own voice, but something along those lines. You could even make it a game, trying different fragrances and finding which appeal more to both of you.

 

[watergirl]

well then

The e-mails written, and sent, and he knows it's coming.

Thanks everyone, for your help.

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

How about an update???

Did he get the e-mail? What happened?

 

[watergirl]

it's a waiting thing.

I figure...
a) women have a more acute sense of smell than men
b) smokers have a more dull sense of smell
c) I just started Jolivette (sp?) a month ago - it's the 'mini-pill' - all estrogen, no other hormones. Studies show that estrogen also increases women's olfactory sense.

It's up to him to decide whether he values my comfort & willingness to be snuggly & sexy with him, or if he wants to continue being the smoker with bad b.o. Ball's his at this point.

 

[JamieB]

If it's bugging you that much

You aren't overreacting. Hopefully he'll take it in the spirit it's intended. You're trying to do what's best for your relationship, and for him, too. If you're bugged enough to call him on it, imagine what other people not as close to him are saying behind his back.

J

 

[watergirl]

You aren't overreacting. Hopefully he'll take it in the spirit it's intended. You're trying to do what's best for your relationship, and for him, too. If you're bugged enough to call him on it, imagine what other people not as close to him are saying behind his back.

J

Thanks for the thumbs up. We've been having some lengthy conversations. There's more going on than just this, but it was a factor in other things. Thanks, all.

This thread can be considered retired. Woo hoo!