Stel- La!

[damppanties]

so how about using "tags" in dialogue? "he asked, she said"

The only things that's worse than too much "he said, she said" is not using any and filling the text with tags that are totally odd.

"Will you walk with me to the corner?" he breathed.

"No, I can't. I haven't done my hair yet," she whimpered.

"Oh. Next time then," he sighed.

"Definitely," she countered.

 

[Stella_Omega]

oh, umm... uh, yeah. *catches breath, clears throat*

The only things that's worse than too much "he said, she said" is not using any and filling the text with tags that are totally odd.

"Will you walk with me to the corner?" he breathed.

"No, I can't. I haven't done my hair yet," she whimpered.

"Oh. Next time then," he sighed.

"Definitely," she countered.

Keep 'em simple, she concurred
There are a million and a half descriptive versions of "To say" and they are almost all of them unnecessary.

I get in trouble for using qualifiers; "she said quietly" that sort of thing. My editors take them all away from me, and I replace some of them

But what I've come to find out is that I can go through and remove an awful lot of the "saids" and the story is the better for it. You can still know who is talking.

 

[damppanties]

I get in trouble for using qualifiers; "she said quietly" that sort of thing.

Show, don't tell.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

But what I've come to find out is that I can go through and remove an awful lot of the "saids" and the story is the better for it. You can still know who is talking.

Yeah... I am soooo guilty of using too many tags. Not as bad as dampy's example, but still. I'm trying to train myself to use action rather than tags. No more commas at the end of the dialogue, unless I have to.

This is something I just wrote (totally stroke and totally unedited) but I've been experimenting with not using a lot of tags, and this is one of those times:

“I’m not going anywhere.” Lindsey shrugged, pulling her knees up to chest and resting her chin on them. She glanced over at the guy sitting across from her and noticed him looking at her. Smiling, she slid her legs back down, slipping down in the chair and letting her legs fall open a little. She saw his eyebrows go up, and he lifted his gaze to her face.

“You’re a very pretty girl.”

She shrugged. “Yeah? So?”

He adjusted his white hat, still meeting her eyes. “So you don’t have to do that to get attention.”

Lindsey frowned, snapping her legs together and sitting straight up. “Do what?”

“You know what.” He gave her a small smile.

“What are you all dressed up for—a parade or something?” Lindsey squinted at him and saw he was wearing a name tag: <i>Lieutenant Zachary Davis.</i>

“I’m a recruiter.”

“For what?” Lindsey snorted, looking him up and down. Even the man’s shoes were white! “The Pillsbury Dough Boy?!”

He raised an eyebrow in her direction. “The U.S. Navy.”

“So you’re a sailor?” Lindsey sat back in the chair again.

“On a nuclear submarine, but yes.” He cocked his head at her. “Do you have any interest in the Navy?”

She rolled her eyes. “Only if we’re at war.”

“We are.”

“Yeah, well…” She shrugged, waving her hand. “Not here we’re not.”

“So what <i>are</i> you interested in…Lindsey?”

He’d obviously been paying attention. She leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. “Sex… Zach.”

He rolled his eyes. “Is that all?”

“No…” She glanced over at the secretary, who was rifling through papers at her desk, but clearly listening to them. “I also like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.”

He laughed. “But are you into health food?”

“Are you kidding me?” Lindsey smiled back. “I live on Twinkies and Taco Bell.”

“Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, here.” He grinned.

She grinned back at him. “I love that stuff.”

“What else do you love?”

“Hm…” Lindsey fidgeted. “I love dogs… but I’m not allowed to have one.”

“How come?”

“My parents.” She sighed.

“Are you a senior?”

“Yes.” Pulling a pack of gum out of her bag, she slid a stick out with her teeth.

“Eighteen?”

She offered him a piece. “Yep.”

He shook his head. “So you’ll be out on your own soon and can make up your own mind about whether or not you want a dog.”

“I can’t wait!” she agreed, crumpling the wrapper and sliding the stick between her teeth.

He sat forward a little. “So… what else do you love?”

“You’re weird.” She stuck her tongue out at him.

He shrugged. “Just a question.”

The silence stretched for a moment, and then Lindsey said softly, “Snow.”

“What else?” he prompted.

“Warm socks…and you know those little machines that sell those toys in grocery stores?” She snapped her gum. He nodded. “I love those. I still have to put a quarter in one every time I go.”

He laughed. “What else?

“Twizzlers.” She smiled. “And the blues.”

He looked surprised for the first time. “Who’s your favorite?”

“I like Stevie Ray Vaughan and Eric Clapton... old stuff.”

He snorted. “Old, eh?”

“My favorite, lately, though, is Kenny Wayne Shepard.”

He sat up, grinning. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Well that’s a strange coincidence…” His grin grew wider. “I happen to have tickets to Kenny Wayne Shepard playing at the Palladium on Friday.”

“You do not!”

“I actually do.”

Lindsey perked up. “Really?”

“Want to go?”

Her jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

“Would the Pillsbury Doughboy kid you?”

“Lindsey!” It was Mr. Ryan calling from the principal’s office. She’d almost forgotten about him!

 

[neonlyte]

If you've got the balls, you don't need tags:

“That’s enough! Look you; I can’t take any more of this. If you are not going to make the effort, I am not prepared to put in the work. I’ve really just about had it! What’s got into you? This last few weeks you have become impossible!”

“Rather a misappropriate use of words don’t you think. Look: just one things I can’t do is look.”

“Yes… well, I’m not going to apologise. I don’t know why I am bothering with you? There was a time when this project meant everything to you, now you simply don’t seem to care whether we can resolve the problems or not. I can’t work with you when you are in this mood, you are an ungrateful self-centred bastard. Yes, bastard. Don’t look so shocked.”

“How do you suppose that works exactly, looking shocked. I’ve never seen a shocked expression; how do imagine I know how to ‘look’?”

“I don’t know and frankly I’m beyond caring. I just don’t know why I am wasting my time. If you don’t want to do this, say so; then I can spend my time with people who are grateful and gracious for the help I can give them.”

“It’s because I’m sexy. I’m vulnerable.”

“Oh grow up! What is it with you? You have a great mind; why don’t you use it to achieve something instead sitting there feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Thank you for those few words of encouragement. I feel a whole lot better.”

“I’m sorry Ob, I shouldn’t have said that. You make me so angry when you are in this kind of mood. This is important work; you should treat it seriously. If we can get this prototype to work, it opens a complete new playing field. We need to succeed with this.”

“So, just what do you imagine is going to happen? We get a breakthrough and you wheel me out onto a stage in front of the media so they can photograph these piss arsed dinky things hanging from my shoulders and say ‘how clever… such a pity… ”

“If that’s all that’s stopping you, I’ll get you a jacket!”

“Yeh, that’s just what you want, then you and the Institute can take the credit for my work, get up in front of the media so you can show ‘your project’ and everyone can say how brilliant you are; then you can finish that fucking PhD and call yourself Dr. Fucking Brilliant!”

“How dare you! You think I do this for my benefit. That’s it Ob, I’m out of here.”

“Come on, admit it. I’ve been ‘your project’ for what, eight, nine years. I remember when you first came to see me at the hospital, you were a student, you came with a group of others…”

“How can you remember that? I never spoke to you.”

“The spices give you away. Announce you every time you enter a room. So used to them now I hardly smell them, but that first encounter with the sub-continent is firmly imprinted."

This piece runs 10k words, no tags, no gender specified. It's a good exercise - though perhaps not at this length - to write conveying your characters without tags or gender specific names. Let their use of language convey who they are. This was written about three years ago, critiqued on SDC, women generally liked it, men generally disliked it. My next project is writing the missing middle section.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Yeah... I am soooo guilty of using too many tags. Not as bad as dampy's example, but still. I'm trying to train myself to use action rather than tags. No more commas at the end of the dialogue, unless I have to.

This is something I just wrote (totally stroke and totally unedited) but I've been experimenting with not using a lot of tags, and this is one of those times:...

That's a lot of dialogue! It really shows the characters, I like. Personally, I would try to compress it a little, and edit out some of the actions. Lindsey twitches around a lot, which is a terrific bit of characterization, but it interrupts the flow of the conversation a bit... Sometimes tell is easier on the reader than show, honest! Especially in short stories.

Two writers that taught me something about combining dialogue, actions and exposition into a seamless whole (not that I'm always successful) are John Updike, and Norman Mailer.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

That's a lot of dialogue! It really shows the characters, I like. Personally, I would try to compress it a little, and edit out some of the actions. Lindsey twitches around a lot, which is a terrific bit of characterization, but it interrupts the flow of the conversation a bit... Sometimes tell is easier on the reader than show, honest!

Yeah I know... like I said, I'm practicing. Now my "actions" have taken the place of "tags"...

I'll get there...

 

[neonlyte]

Yeah... I am soooo guilty of using too many tags. Not as bad as dampy's example, but still. I'm trying to train myself to use action rather than tags. No more commas at the end of the dialogue, unless I have to.

This is something I just wrote (totally stroke and totally unedited) but I've been experimenting with not using a lot of tags, and this is one of those times:

“I’m not going anywhere.” Lindsey shrugged, pulling her knees up to chest and resting her chin on them. She glanced over at the guy sitting across from her and noticed him looking at her. Smiling, she slid her legs back down, slipping down in the chair and letting her legs fall open a little. She saw his eyebrows go up, and he lifted his gaze to her face.

“You’re a very pretty girl.”

She shrugged. “Yeah? So?”

He adjusted his white hat, still meeting her eyes. “So you don’t have to do that to get attention.”

Lindsey frowned, snapping her legs together and sitting straight up. “Do what?”

“You know what.” He gave her a small smile.

“What are you all dressed up for—a parade or something?” Lindsey squinted at him and saw he was wearing a name tag: <i>Lieutenant Zachary Davis.</i>

“I’m a recruiter.”

“For what?” Lindsey snorted, looking him up and down. Even the man’s shoes were white! “The Pillsbury Dough Boy?!”

He raised an eyebrow in her direction. “The U.S. Navy.”

“So you’re a sailor?” Lindsey sat back in the chair again.

“On a nuclear submarine, but yes.” He cocked his head at her. “Do you have any interest in the Navy?”

She rolled her eyes. “Only if we’re at war.”

“We are.”

“Yeah, well…” She shrugged, waving her hand. “Not here we’re not.”

“So what <i>are</i> you interested in…Lindsey?”

He’d obviously been paying attention. She leaned forward, putting her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands. “Sex… Zach.”

He rolled his eyes. “Is that all?”

“No…” She glanced over at the secretary, who was rifling through papers at her desk, but clearly listening to them. “I also like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.”

He laughed. “But are you into health food?”

“Are you kidding me?” Lindsey smiled back. “I live on Twinkies and Taco Bell.”

“Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, here.” He grinned.

She grinned back at him. “I love that stuff.”

“What else do you love?”

“Hm…” Lindsey fidgeted. “I love dogs… but I’m not allowed to have one.”

“How come?”

“My parents.” She sighed.

“Are you a senior?”

“Yes.” Pulling a pack of gum out of her bag, she slid a stick out with her teeth.

“Eighteen?”

She offered him a piece. “Yep.”

He shook his head. “So you’ll be out on your own soon and can make up your own mind about whether or not you want a dog.”

“I can’t wait!” she agreed, crumpling the wrapper and sliding the stick between her teeth.

He sat forward a little. “So… what else do you love?”

“You’re weird.” She stuck her tongue out at him.

He shrugged. “Just a question.”

The silence stretched for a moment, and then Lindsey said softly, “Snow.”

“What else?” he prompted.

“Warm socks…and you know those little machines that sell those toys in grocery stores?” She snapped her gum. He nodded. “I love those. I still have to put a quarter in one every time I go.”

He laughed. “What else?

“Twizzlers.” She smiled. “And the blues.”

He looked surprised for the first time. “Who’s your favorite?”

“I like Stevie Ray Vaughan and Eric Clapton... old stuff.”

He snorted. “Old, eh?”

“My favorite, lately, though, is Kenny Wayne Shepard.”

He sat up, grinning. “Really?”

“Really.”

“Well that’s a strange coincidence…” His grin grew wider. “I happen to have tickets to Kenny Wayne Shepard playing at the Palladium on Friday.”

“You do not!”

“I actually do.”

Lindsey perked up. “Really?”

“Want to go?”

Her jaw dropped. “Are you serious?”

“Would the Pillsbury Doughboy kid you?”

“Lindsey!” It was Mr. Ryan calling from the principal’s office. She’d almost forgotten about him!

I think you're still 25-30% over 'tagged'. Some of those descriptors are unnecessary, the spoken words convey the action e.g. Lindsey perked up. “Really?” - you don't need the the qualifier, her perking up is implicit in her answer. Similarly with 'Her jaw dropped.'

Just my opinion.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

I think you're still 25-30% over 'tagged'. Some of those descriptors are unnecessary, the spoken words convey the action e.g. Lindsey perked up. “Really?” - you don't need the the qualifier, her perking up is implicit in her answer. Similarly with 'Her jaw dropped.'

Just my opinion.

see!? me and tags... I'm terrible.

"overtagged" *snerk*

I'm totally afraid of dialogue just out there by itself... you're exactly right, Neo... it's having the cajones to do it...

I don't.

Yet.

 

[Stella_Omega]

If you've got the balls, you don't need tags:...

Nice! Is the entire work in dialogue form only? That would be very cool, you could show that time has passed and everything.

I have one up that has NO dialogue, although people say plenty in it, in a reportage style. Some people noticed, some weren't so happy about it, but I think it was a pretty successful experiment

 

[neonlyte]

see!? me and tags... I'm terrible.

"overtagged" *snerk*

I'm totally afraid of dialogue just out there by itself... you're exactly right, Neo... it's having the cajones to do it...

I don't.

Yet.

You need a damn good reason to do it. In my story, one of the characters is blind and handicapped and has no real sensory perception other than words, it kind of made sense to place the reader in the characters world.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

You need a damn good reason to do it. In my story, one of the characters is blind and handicapped and has no real sensory perception other than words, it kind of made sense to place the reader in the characters world.

But why am I so scared to write dialogue without tags????

Really, when I get going, I JUST write dialogue... and go back and add tags later if I have to... and then I tend to really "overtag"

 

[damppanties]

Nice! Is the entire work in dialogue form only? That would be very cool, you could show that time has passed and everything.

I have one up that has NO dialogue, although people say plenty in it, in a reportage style. Some people noticed, some weren't so happy about it, but I think it was a pretty successful experiment

I remember reading one story on Lit that was entirely dialogue. No tags. Nothing but dialogue. Amazingly, it worked really well - no confusion about who's saying what. It was fascinating. It's been taken off since but I have never been able to forget that story.

 

[Stella_Omega]

But why am I so scared to write dialogue without tags????

Really, when I get going, I JUST write dialogue... and go back and add tags later if I have to... and then I tend to really "overtag"

If I knew that about myself, I'd tell my editors; "De-tag me, please! Let them have the huevos. Like me and qualifiers.
Do you like to read overtagged dialogue? Probably not, huh?

 

[Wills]

Nice! Is the entire work in dialogue form only? That would be very cool, you could show that time has passed and everything.

I have one up that has NO dialogue, although people say plenty in it, in a reportage style. Some people noticed, some weren't so happy about it, but I think it was a pretty successful experiment

That 10k word section is here on SDC: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=283716

It is entirely dialogue, no descriptors or tags. It needs re-writing, but after long consideration, I'm going to finish the story, the rest unfolds pretty conventionally, except sections with just these two characters. I've not written the middle section of the novel, the passage linked is pretty much self contained.

ETA: I thought I'd posted it under my previous Lit name and switched back to locate it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

That 10k word section is here on SDC: https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=283716

It is entirely dialogue, no descriptors or tags. It needs re-writing, but after long consideration, I'm going to finish the story, the rest unfolds pretty conventionally, except sections with just these two characters. I've not written the middle section of the novel, the passage linked is pretty much self contained.

ETA: I thought I'd posted it under my previous Lit name and switched back to locate it.

You've outed your alt!

 

[neonlyte]

But why am I so scared to write dialogue without tags????

Really, when I get going, I JUST write dialogue... and go back and add tags later if I have to... and then I tend to really "overtag"

Bound by convention perhaps?

Experiment! If you're going to try a new approach, this is the place to do it.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

You've outed your alt!

<---pretending I didn't see...

 

[neonlyte]

You've outed your alt!

And not for the first time! He's in my sig these days.

 

[floweringquince]

Ya know, I just may have a Dialogue Problem....

I like to talk, and so do my characters

Right now, I'm working on a scene in which a woman needs to suck off two guys in succession while getting fucked from behind, and I keep trying to get a conversation going between her and the three men. (Doh! - How dumb am I?)

But I need to set up a plot point about why she, who is white, will not say out loud a certain derogatory racial epithet which the men, who are black, use almost constantly. And I want it set up before the second guy gets sucked off, so that I can refer to it in his while-getting-head monologue & before-and-after dialogue.

But my second fellatee happens to be a randy and rambunctious young man, whom I have no plausible reason to make sit and wait for his blow-job while niceties of language are discussed. (I can't even have his zipper get stuck - he's a hip young black man, so he's got to be wearing his jeans baggy


In another story I'm working on (a mainstream one), I've got a dense block of exposition that I'm trying to break into dialogue while still informing the reader that:

1) Lord A's only living son has recently been killed on the battlefield, in an unsuccessful attempt to usurp his father.

2) Lord B would have an excellent claim to Lord A's lands, if and only if Lord A dies without an heir.

3) Lord B has taken Lord A prisoner, and while not so bold as to kill him outright, intends to hold him on a remote island until he dies without heirs.

4) Lord B, unable to let well enough alone, is taunting Lord A by sending him a female maidservant - the ugliest woman to be found in all of B's, and A's, lands.

5) Our heroine is that self-admittedly ugly maidservant.



And of course, the men in the first story use the speech patterns common to urban American Black people; while everyone in the second story speaks in Scots dialect circa 1500 (in fact, they really should be speaking Gaelic, but I can't afford to buy that many vowels

(Someday, I'm going to write a story in which everybody speaks like reasonably well-educated white American suburbanites from the West Coast, circa 2007 - I swear I'm gunna!


And, then, even if I get the speech patterns and accents right, there's the problem of how to show them on the page.

My first fellatee, now relaxing in satisfaction, might say something like:

"Shee-it, Cracka Biotch, how come won' chu say 'n---a'?"


And as one isolated sentence, that's not bad. But these guys are gonna go on talking for 20 chapters, and dialect (in the writing sense, not in the "every Black person on the internet must immediately send me an e-mail excoriating me for implying that there exists such a thing as a Black American Dialect" sense gets pretty old pretty quickly.

So perhaps First Fellatee should say:

"Shit, Cracka Bitch, how come won't you say 'n---a'?"


I'm pretty sure he shouldn't say:

"Shit, Cracker Bitch, why will you not say 'n---er'?"


("N---er?" you ask? Yeah, yeah, I won't say it either (unless it's through one of my characters). It's like they always tell you: "Write what you know."



My uncomely Scotswoman is even worse:

' "Och, aye, I've ne'er been weel-farrant, an' noo I'm auld intae t' bargain." She was matter-of-fact. "Dinna fash yerself fer me feelin's, wee Angus. Nigh fourty year of bein' "Hackit Maisrie", an' I've fair little feelin's left tae be skelped."

"Hackit" could mean "sharp-tongued" as well as "sharp-faced", and Maisrie was well known for being both. Angus, who seldom met a lintel he didn't have to duck and was "wee" only in his scant 14 years, blushed to the ears as he bent his long back away from her implacable gray gaze, taking up a neatly coiled rope to carefully recoil it.'

(This still needs to be corrected for proper "Scotsification", and then gently nudged back into readable modern English.)



As far as tags go, I like action tags: people are always doing something.


And if they aren't doing anything, and the speaker is clear, I go for naked dialogue:

"Really? You let your dialogue run around naked, right there in front of God and everybody?"

"Yeah, why not? Keeps it from getting tan lines."



As as last resort, I just use "he said, she said" tags, which can sort of disappear against a background of good-enough dialogue:

' "So you're Betty, and you're Boopsie?" asked Craig.

"No, no, she's Boopsie." said Betty. "And you're Greg?"

"No, I'm Greg." said the man who looked exacly like Craig. "I'm the handsome one."

"And here I thought Ted was the handsome one." Stacy put in.

"But that one's Ned." said Tracy.

I swore never to attend an Identical Twins Convention ever again.'


(Well, they disappear into the background when the dialogue's good enough: I guess you'll just have to trust me on that one

- quince


PS. I think it's a great thread name

It reminds me of reading somewhere about someone who named her cat after the Tennessee Williams character, just so that she could go to the back door and yell:
"Stella! ...Hey, Stella! ....STEL-LA!!!!"

(no word on whether the cat actually came when thus called

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Yeah... I am soooo guilty of using too many tags. Not as bad as dampy's example, but still. I'm trying to train myself to use action rather than tags. No more commas at the end of the dialogue, unless I have to.

Do I use too many tags? You'd be the one to ask...as you are probably more familiar with my writing than anyone...

Here's a sample from MS15

Ryan set his plate down. “That was a good breakfast, Charlie.”

Walter shook his head in agreement. “Damned good.”

Charlie beamed with pride. “Thanks.” He didn’t care to cook at home, but once out in the mountains, he found cooking a relaxing and almost spiritual experience.

Ryan stood up and stretched his legs. It felt good to be out here. Although the temperature was still well below freezing, he felt as warm as on a spring day. He sipped his coffee as he looked towards the creek. It all felt so familiar to him.

“I cooked, you clean up.” Charlie spoke to his son.

“Sounds fair to me.” Walter finished his cup of coffee and began to heat some water in a pot.

Ryan turned as Charlie approached. “Well?”

“I feel like I’ve been here before, and just not in my dreams. It’s so hard to explain.”

Charlie knelt down on one knee. “I love this place. I wish I could live here.”

Ryan looked down at Charlie. “Why don’t you? There’s nothing stopping you.”

The older man chuckled, “I don’t think I could get the wife away from her modern conveniences, not to mention her afternoon stories on the television.”

“I guess you feel the same way about this place as I feel about the cabin.” Ryan paused and thought for a moment. “Funny isn’t it, Will lived at the cabin, and Spotted Owl lived here. It’s a bit like going back in time.”

Charlie hadn’t thought of it in those terms before. Ryan’s comment about it being like going back in time caught him by surprise. Charlie had no answer for it. He felt that there was a lot of truth in the statement. His voice was quiet when he finally replied, “I never thought of it like that.” He stood up and brushed the snow from his knee. “You show insight at times that is beyond your years.”

Ryan smiled as he looked at Charlie. “I’ve have had a good teacher.”

Charlie felt a warm pride inside. “I wish I could help you more.”

“I don’t think you could have helped me anymore than you have. The most important lesson you taught me was that, it’s the journey to discovery that is important, and not necessarily the answer.”

A small smile crossed Charlie’s face. “It’s good that you took that to heart. I was more than twice your age before I learned it was true.”

“Something is going to happen here.” Ryan stated in a matter of fact voice.

Charlie was curious. “What will happen?”

“I don’t know. Spotted Owl told me to seek my vision here.” Ryan looked at Charlie. “I can feel it out there.” He pointed towards the mountains. “My vision is out there—waiting.”

“Waiting?” Charlie was astounded. “You can feel your vision?”

Ryan nodded. “It’s hard to explain. I just know.”

“I don’t know what to say.” Charlie had never heard anything like this before. “It takes most people careful preparation and sometimes days to have a vision, if they have one at all.”

Charlie carefully studied the young man. His eyes seemed to be staying off into another place in time. There was no doubt in Charlie that Ryan had an incredible gift.

“Do you know where you will seek your vision?”

Ryan nodded and turned and pointed to a specific spot. “There.”

Charlie suddenly felt a cold shiver run down his back. He had a fairly good idea what that spot was. It was most likely where Spotted Owl’s <i><b>thipis</b></i> had stood.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Do I use too many tags? You'd be the one to ask...as you are probably more familiar with my writing than anyone...

Previews!!!

Actually, this scene is handled pretty well, considering there are three people here (always harder than 2 and needs more tags) and everything the characters are doing, for the most part, moves the plot along...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Previews!!!

Shhhh....don't say it too loud...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Dang, Darkside, that's pretty good! The whole of the text flows very nicely, and you get a lot done with the words.
In my opinion, there is one single line that doesn't quite ring true ;

“You show insight at times that is beyond your years.”

Just a little bit out of the rhythm of the rest of his speech, IMO. It jarred at me when I read it.


And Quincie, *ducks slap* those are great examples.
I think that the hard thing about writing dialect is that it will never be exactly right- your n--as will have changed their slang phrases and your story will be outdated thereby. And you can read SimonBrook's remrks on the first page, about a very noted author's attempts to write the Glasgow dialect. He says she's all wrong I would bet that she was a little closer to the mark back in 1924 when she wrote it...

It's frustrating, too , because I have an interracial romance series, and I do use a bit of... accent. Usage habits. But I don't try to spell it all out- "gonna" instead of "going to," things like that.
(and yes, there is a point where a black guy teases his white girlfriend about the "N-Word", how could anyone resist?)

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Dang, Darkside, that's pretty good! The whole of the text flows very nicely, and you get a lot done with the words.
In my opinion, there is one single line that doesn't quite ring true ;
Just a little bit out of the rhythm of the rest of his speech, IMO. It jarred at me when I read it.

I know...it seemed a bit out of place for Charlie, I wasn't comfortable when I wrote it, and I'm still not...it will get changed. This is from an uncompleted very rough draft (Montana Summer Ch 15) that I'm currently whacking away at...