Staying focused?

[CutieMouse]

I am discovering I have one hell of a difficult time staying centered and focused on BDSM when I *need* to be centered and focused on BDSM. I've got 10,000 things in my head at any given time, and I'm used to having to deal with/orchestrate/be prepared for/etc any one of them at any given second. I'm a single mom, have primary custody of all 5 kids, work PT, babysit PT,need to go back to school, trying to find time for myself, bills, attempting to figure out HOW to go back to school, rarely get much sleep, etc... you get the picture. So it's not terribly uncommon for me to have a "Epps I need to set my alarm for work tomorrow!" moment at an inopportune time. I believe the proper phrase would be scattered as hell.

We've tried waiting until I don't even have kids in the house, taking an hour or two sometimes for me to unwind and relax, reminders during the day to prepare to focus for things... and I'm still scattered as hell. I can't seem to let go of everything I have in my head. Random shit pops up that to me is normal and part of being me, but it's distracting to him and it's becoming an issue.

Does anyone have any suggestions for getting past my mental 24/7 list of responsibilities so I can really truely focus on us?

 

[catalina_francisco]

No magic cure I'm afraid. It is your reality, and one which many times is vital to adhere to unless you want to lose your job or kids. That being said, IME the best you can do is acknowledge it and keep working at it. Perhaps things like meditation at a specific time each day (lol, not easy to do especially at same time each day with children), or guided visualisation might help to keep your focus in the many directions needed, but perhaps in a way which is more orderly and conducive to both your needs. I think too, for many men who have not been in the same position (ie. single mother, kids, work, societal watching for the first slip up etc), it is difficult to understand it is not a deliberate ignoring of your submission and it's own responsibilities. They often can tell you what you should do, but not how....I found the common answer I received when I asked about the how of it was, 'that is your problem, how should I know". My response at times was to tell them to then mind their own business if they could not contribute a solution to their criticism.....though that may not be the best way to deal with a Dominant.

Catalina

 

[sunfox]

I have the same problem.. in part due to my daughter and responsibilities, and in part due to just having a multitasking personality. My mind is a busy place, and it can be hard for me to tune everything else out to really get into what C and I are doing.

Discipline.. my own, not what he gives me ... helps quite a bit. Reminding myself how good I feel after an intense session, and just disciplining my mind to calm down when the kidlet is in bed helps quite a bit, as does trying to take a hot bath beforehand to loosen my muscles and help me relax.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Just remembered one technique he has devised which works wonders. We sit face to face on the bed or floor and he instructs me to close my eyes and take a deep breath, no talking allowed, then begins to slowly and gently stroke my face (very feather soft like), the length of my arms, my neck, until he feels the tension leave my body and senses my mind slowing to a more reasonable rate.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

Thank you both for your responses. It helps to know I'm not the only scattered multi-tasking submissive on the planet.

I will keep working on being as aware as possible and try to relax. Maybe being aware will help a lot. I'm not used to NOT needing to focus on 6 things at once, but I'm hoping with time, patience, and awareness I can learn to manage it better. At the moment it's a long distance thing and I think that contributes somewhat also. I feel like if I could just get a look or touch or something body language wise for either of us to work with it might help my focus some. It is also a bit complicated by the fact he's literally never been interested in someone with children (and here I am with 5 ROFL), and I'm about as inexperienced as you can get while he's been in the Lifestyle since before he was of legal age. Not exactly a potential something without obstales, eh? Patience, patience, patience...

Thank you again.

 

[babiesmiles]

Thank you both for your responses. It helps to know I'm not the only scattered multi-tasking submissive on the planet.

I'm afraid being scattered and multi -tasking is in women's nature .... and at last ( at very last) it is a strenght as well

 

[FungiUg]

I'm afraid being scattered and multi -tasking is in women's nature ....

I'd suggest it's not limited to women. I'm a man, and I manage it very nicely, thank you.

I sometimes also get the opposite issue -- where I have been focussed on something intently for a period of time, and it takes me a while to de-focus.

Either way, I'd suggest looking at medidational techniques, possibly an exercise regime, or even just spending an hour tied and gagged before play commences.

 

[CutieMouse]

Hmm... I wonder if I do my pilates and a hot shower first if it'll be enough to get me out of my head and into my body. Might try that tonight...

 

[sunfox]

I should have mentioned that.. glad you did!

I do pilates before bed every night, and that does tend to be my cooldown period.. a lot of times, it puts me in the right place mentally. Plus, it really seems to make me feel better physically.

 

[YinandYang]

Meditation works for me also, even just taking some quiet time out in the garden with a cup of tea. Anything that involves nothingness, although sometimes the guilt of doing nothing makes me start thinking about the things I should be doing Vicious circle! Once the kids are in bed, dishes done etc I make myself have at least 10 mins just to think. It does make a difference, and keeps me sane! I think routine is good for the mind also, setting aside some time every day at the same time (if possible) helps your mind expect a quiet time.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I find exercise usually energises me which then leads to my mind going twice as fast in double the number of directions....but everything works different for everyone so hopefully it will be a tool you can use.

Catalina

 

[CutieMouse]

Sigh. I believe all the good advice everyone has given will need to be utilized in the next relationship. Ah well... I'll have time to practice meditation now I guess. (no it wasn't the focus issue that undid things)

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sigh. I believe all the good advice everyone has given will need to be utilized in the next relationship. Ah well... I'll have time to practice meditation now I guess. (no it wasn't the focus issue that undid things)

Sorry it hasn't worked out....the positive is as you said, you have learned things and made another step toward finding the relationship which makes you both happy and fulfilled. Hard as it may be try and keep looking forward positively.

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

I also advise seeking a Dominant who can be realistic and patient about what your reality looks like...for real...maybe even one with a laundry list of his own to contend with?

and sometimes bondage can shut M up really well when the mental noise levels are too high, not always, but sometimes.

 

[Nyte_BlackRose]

Another thing that might help, is start making a list of the things you have to do every day, or each day. Try and make sure you have all your things that need to be done for that day completed before you start. Check them off your list. Then, before you start, spend a few minutes looking over your list, acknowledging that you have done them, setting your mind at ease. It might help going into it knowing that all those, or at least most of those things are done. Or, if it's a mid day, or early day thing, if you have a sort of time table for when you are doing them, you won't have to worry about it as much.

 

[pandoravampire]

In a similar situation myself, i found, like Catalina, that being stroked to relax me, freed me of the miriad of random thoughts pushing in to our time. Pilates is great, but being relaxed is far more sensual than doing it yourself. Also, it has helped at times for him to learn how to relax me, for when that is needed at other moments

Multitasking is a skill you will need far more often i suspect than submission, so at this juncture, it is a gift, though annoying.

From another point of view: at those times that i have found it difficult to stay focussed, His dominance has, in response become um, cant find the word, ?louder, more forceful, and the instructions become commands, they come thick and fast so that i have to concentrate more and more to keep up so to speak. That has helped.

Difficulty on focussing was also something that passed as we became familiar with each others way of doing this dance.
But still now, when it has been difficult for me to get there, when ive struggled to focus, or submit, it is at these times, that i have gone far far deeper into my submission and have been the most fulfilling of our times together.

Im sorry this has not worked out for you, but you have gained insights that will help you in the future, when it is right.