Starting from scratch

[anthrodisiac]

Does the paragraphs need to be sex related or no?

They don't need to be, no. If you really want feedback on more sexual content, err on the safe side and don't do full, graphic sex. Might be okay, but I'm not totally sure.

 

[Lolita30]

This is an excerpt from my unpublished story, "The Motel". I removed the explicitness for context.
It consists of two women named Gwen and Sophie, who had been platonic for 10 years and have recently consummated their sexual relationship:

Passage 1 - Setup: "The motel was Gwen's idea. She wanted to try a new place instead of their apartments, so she thought this motel near Chelsea Piers was the right spot because the area is rough enough that there aren't many tourists wandering around. Sophie agreed and thought it was 'fucking erotic.'"

Passage 2 - Power dynamic: "Sophie threw up her hands in mock frustration, took two steps toward Gwen, and kissed her intensely. When she pulled back, she said, 'You talk too much. This was your idea to come here. So stop acting like a little stuck-up, polite bitch, and just get on with it. Or do I have to take your clothes off for you?'"

Passage 3 - Anticipation: "Gwen only smiled wickedly. Leaving the bed, she went to the desk where her purse sat, digging out something from a thick box. Recognition lit up Sophie's face. 'You didn't!' she laughed. 'When did you buy that?'"

 

[anthrodisiac]

This is an excerpt from my unpublished story, "The Motel". I removed the explicitness for context.
It consists of two women named Gwen and Sophie, who had been platonic for 10 years and have recently consummated their sexual relationship:

Passage 1 - Setup: "The motel was Gwen's idea. She wanted to try a new place instead of their apartments, so she thought this motel near Chelsea Piers was the right spot because the area is rough enough that there aren't many tourists wandering around. Sophie agreed and thought it was 'fucking erotic.'"

Passage 2 - Power dynamic: "Sophie threw up her hands in mock frustration, took two steps toward Gwen, and kissed her intensely. When she pulled back, she said, 'You talk too much. This was your idea to come here. So stop acting like a little stuck-up, polite bitch, and just get on with it. Or do I have to take your clothes off for you?'"

Passage 3 - Anticipation: "Gwen only smiled wickedly. Leaving the bed, she went to the desk where her purse sat, digging out something from a thick box. Recognition lit up Sophie's face. 'You didn't!' she laughed. 'When did you buy that?'"

These are pretty good!

Only thing in passage one is that the tense shifts partway through, but that's one of those weird edge cases that people are split on how to handle generically describing an area in present tense instead of past tense. I'm personally of the mind that it ought to be past tense just to fit in, but that's just me. Note the shift from "was" to "is," which to my mind looked intentional, but was worth flagging it just in case. It's a bugaboo for me especially when it's a mixed-tense sentence, I'm a little more forgiving when the whole sentence is a single tense.

She wanted to try a new place instead of their apartments, so she thought this motel near Chelsea Piers was the right spot because the area is rough enough that there aren't many tourists wandering around.

In passage 3, I'd probably split this into two paragraphs, not one. One paragraph for Gwen, one for Sophie.

Gwen only smiled wickedly. Leaving the bed, she went to the desk where her purse sat, digging out something from a thick box.

Recognition lit up Sophie's face. 'You didn't!' she laughed. 'When did you buy that?'"

Really, that's it. It's well written. Was there something in particular you had questions about, or just generally looking for feedback?

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I must say, the only thing that puzzled me (aside from tense as @anthrodisiac mentions) is "thick box." I can't picture what a "thick" box is.

Second what Anthro asked above. What type of feedback do you want? I can nitpick punctuation with the best ....

 

[EmilyMiller]

I'm not a fan of "advanced" words in writing fiction, but I really doubt whether they were the reason why your story was rejected.

Not a single one of my stories would have been published if a recondite lexicon was proscribed

 

[anthrodisiac]

Are these paragraphs connected or are they three distinct paragraphs? I know you said you took out the erotic stuff, which is why I ask. It's a bit harder to judge with three smallish, separate paragraphs. Normally I'd want to see at least three decently-sized paragraphs, or about 200-300 words, to get a sense of flow, style, structure, voice, unless the feedback request was on something very specific.

 

[Lolita30]

Are these paragraphs connected or are they three distinct paragraphs? I know you said you took out the erotic stuff, which is why I ask. It's a bit harder to judge with three smallish, separate paragraphs. Normally I'd want to see at least three decently-sized paragraphs, or about 200-300 words, to get a sense of flow, style, structure, voice, unless the feedback request was on something very specific.

I was trying to comply with the rules and post three paragraphs of the same story. I had to tone down the story's explicitness to show that I wrote it myself.

 

[Lolita30]

I must say, the only thing that puzzled me (aside from tense as @anthrodisiac mentions) is "thick box." I can't picture what a "thick" box is.

Second what Anthro asked above. What type of feedback do you want? I can nitpick punctuation with the best ....

For clarity, it was a sex toy in that 'thick box.' But i wanted to be respectful and not post the explicit stuff.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I can picture small box, a flat box, a cardboard box, a shoebox. I don't know what a "thick box" is meant to look like.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I was trying to comply with the rules and post three paragraphs of the same story. I had to tone down the story's explicitness to show that I wrote it myself.

There's no connection between being explicit and whether or not you wrote the story yourself.

You seem to be connecting two different things together, which doesn't help clarify the advice you're after.

 

[Lolita30]

There's no connection between being explicit and whether or not you wrote the story yourself.

You seem to be connecting two different things together, which doesn't help clarify the advice you're after.

I am not. I am explaining that I omitted the explicit scenes from this story to comply with the three-paragraph requirement.

 

[anthrodisiac]

Let's go back to basics: What are you hoping to get out of this feedback?

Both TWG and myself, and probably others, would find it helpful if you could let us know if there was anything specific you're looking for.

 

[Lolita30]

Let's go back to basics: What are you hoping to get out of this feedback?

Both TWG and myself, and probably others, would find it helpful if you could let us know if there was anything specific you're looking for.

These are pretty good!

Only thing in passage one is that the tense shifts partway through, but that's one of those weird edge cases that people are split on how to handle generically describing an area in present tense instead of past tense. I'm personally of the mind that it ought to be past tense just to fit in, but that's just me. Note the shift from "was" to "is," which to my mind looked intentional, but was worth flagging it just in case. It's a bugaboo for me especially when it's a mixed-tense sentence, I'm a little more forgiving when the whole sentence is a single tense.



In passage 3, I'd probably split this into two paragraphs, not one. One paragraph for Gwen, one for Sophie.



Really, that's it. It's well written. Was there something in particular you had questions about, or just generally looking for feedback?

I shared this story of mine because I had doubt on if had writing talent at all. Not anymore.

 

[anthrodisiac]

You definitely do. Keep up the good work

 

[Lolita30]

You definitely do. Keep up the good work

Thank you! At last, vindication! Before AI took over I wrote my first story as celebrity fan fiction. Now I write anything from young adult to thrillers.