Starting A Local BDSM Group

[BiBunny]

Given all my recent troubles and irritations, I've decided it's time to do something to distract myself. The surrounding metro area of the town I go to school in has upwards of 100,000 people, and there's another town of approximately the same size about 30 minutes away. There are plenty of people who are at least slightly kinky between the two towns, and there's nary a BDSM group in sight. I think it's past time that someone got it together and began a munch group here.

I've done some searches and scrolled through the library, but I haven't found a whole lot of relevant information. How would one go about starting something like this? I've found a new friend here who's a Dom (with a sub some 1,000 miles away) who'd most likely be interested in helping me start something like this, and I have my girlfriend and another close friend to help as well. I know how to get in touch with most of the kinksters in the area. I think there'd be interest if someone would just get it started.

I was thinking about getting in touch with all these people--the ones I know and the ones who have profiles on some of the alternative lifestyle websites--and asking if they'd be interested in something like this. If there are enough people interested, I figured I'd set up a Yahoo group or something so I could do the mass-email thing to keep everyone informed. The first meeting would be somewhere like a family-friendly restaurant or something.

Anyway, that's my idea. I have to talk it over with a few people first, but I do believe there'd be some interest. I'd appreciate any suggestions that y'all have for me. I'm very shy, but I think I could come out of my shell for something I'm interested in. It's part of the reason I'd like to do it--it'd help the community as a whole, and it'd help me. I just need some help coming up with a game plan.

Oh, and if this makes little to no sense, I convinced myself earlier that drinking screwdrivers would be good for my sickness. Y'know, vodka to stop the coughing and orange juice to clear the crap out of my throat? I apologize in advance...'cause I'm a little tipsy after, um, 5 of them.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think we have had a thread on this at some point, but my head isn't working so hopefully you will get lots of help anyway. This sounds like a very good thing for you to get involved with at the moment, and for the future.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

I think we have had a thread on this at some point, but my head isn't working so hopefully you will get lots of help anyway. This sounds like a very good thing for you to get involved with at the moment, and for the future.

Catalina

I think so, too, but the search function despises me, and I couldn't find exactly what I was looking for in the library. I, too, hope it'll be a good thing to get involved in. Thanks for the well-wishes, cat.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I guess a start would be to find a local venue that would be willing to let you use their facilities, though if it were a lunch/dinner type munch they needn't know what you all were into anyway. If it were regular though, you might be able to negotiate some type of discount or door prize idea with the restaurant. You then could begin advertising, getting word out, asking people to spread the word, and I would think perhaps for safety sake, meeting each prospective member first to make sure they are OK and not out to make trouble or be a nuisance of sleeze looking for some easy sex. You also need to decide what type of munch group you want...whether you want people to dress fairly average or whether leather and fetish are OK. You could also ask people how often they would lioke meetings to be and if they were willing to offer any special help. Is that what you were looking for?

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

I guess a start would be to find a local venue that would be willing to let you use their facilities, though if it were a lunch/dinner type munch they needn't know what you all were into anyway. If it were regular though, you might be able to negotiate some type of discount or door prize idea with the restaurant. You then could begin advertising, getting word out, asking people to spread the word, and I would think perhaps for safety sake, meeting each prospective member first to make sure they are OK and not out to make trouble or be a nuisance of sleeze looking for some easy sex. You also need to decide what type of munch group you want...whether you want people to dress fairly average or whether leather and fetish are OK. You could also ask people how often they would lioke meetings to be and if they were willing to offer any special help. Is that what you were looking for?

Catalina

Absolutely! Thanks, cat! You've already come up with things I hadn't thought of.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Been there, done that, got the group T-shirts printed... *grins*

Do you know what THE absolute, most terrifying, single biggest obstacle to starting a group is? ? ?

Self-doubt. Yup... those terrible old I'm NOT'S

I'm not...
... smart enough.
... experienced enough.
... old enough.
... outgoing enough.
... Dom enough.
... <insert doubt here> etc...

Do not listen to the I'm NOT'S. Just freaking do it. Make the yahoo group, invite people. They'll show up.

Set a date for the first meeting. They'll show up.

Ask the questions, get the input, but MAKE THE DECISIONS. They will follow.

Once the group becomes established, about 10% - 15% of the OL members will actually participate. About 10% will be avid rabid BiBunny can do no wrong true-believers simply because you started the group. About 10% will dig in their heels and bitch and moan about anything and everything you say or do (even if you change positions and agree with whatever they originally say they want from you), simply because you started the group.

The other 80% don't give a rats ass as long as they are entertained and don't have to put forth any effort for the entertainment.

Start small, start slow. BUILD the group. Decide how to run/govern/herd the damn cats. Will you be a dictatorship? Elect a Board? Start with a voluntary triumverate who pick their own successors? Will it be run by executive fiat? Group concensus? Bylaws and voting?

Do you want to start with play parties? Discussion munches? Demos? Understand to start you will need to start on the cheap unless you are independently wealthy. Do you want dues to build up capital in order to get bigger venues, presenters, throw parties? Take donations on a voluntary basis? If you take money, who's going to handle it? How will they be accountable?

Whatever you do, whatever direction you take, understand that if you start the group, it will be YOUR BABY, forever and ever amen. You will remain associated with the group unless you quit and vanish, or move away. 10 years later and no longer involved with officially running the show, people will STILL be asking you "what do you think we should do about...?"

It's a wonderful opportunity to learn and grow. Do like Nike says: Just do it!

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, EG. I actually had you in mind when I started the thread, so I was hoping for your input.

 

[jasonlf]

Make the yahoo group

I'd highly recommend against using yahoo groups. They have been very hostile to some kink groups once they became aware of them.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

I'd highly recommend against using yahoo groups. They have been very hostile to some kink groups once they became aware of them.

I'm on over 30 kink related yahoo groups. Some have had problems with yahoo, most have not. The one's that have gotten into trouble either a) didn't screen members, b) allowed posting of files of questionable content or copyrighted photos/videos or c) had minors on them.

Adult content/BDSM etc will not, by itself, get a group bounced from Yahoo. T3WD has been on Yahoo since it was eGroups, 10 of the lists I'm on have been around since 1998 or 1999, again, without any problems. Yahoo ain't great because they cancelled the ability to search for adult content groups, but it's easy to use, reliable as all get out, almost anyone can access it.

Yes, Wannado, Google, MSN, Delphi and others have mail list serves you can use. I haven't found any to be as easy or reliable as Yahoo.

 

[graceanne]

I've gotta second EG here. I'm a member of many many yahoo groups - I'm not always active, but a member nonetheless. A good deal of them are kinky. The only one I've been on that caused problems was one where someone got kicked out and then reported us to whoever as being a bdsm board. Luckily we had some warning and didn't loose anything.

 

[callinectes]

I am in a Yahoo group that was originally for Georgia newcomers to D/s. I ended up stopping the e-mails because the group was so active that I couldn't read them much less respond. Anyway, I know you are in 'bama but there maybe some people in the western side of Ga that would be interested. Let me know if you want info for the group.

 

[BiBunny]

I am in a Yahoo group that was originally for Georgia newcomers to D/s. I ended up stopping the e-mails because the group was so active that I couldn't read them much less respond. Anyway, I know you are in 'bama but there maybe some people in the western side of Ga that would be interested. Let me know if you want info for the group.

Yes, callinectes, I definitely want the info! We've already talked about the possibility of folks in West Georgia becoming interested in our group, as we're less than an hour away from the state line.

 

[MasterPhoenix]

Not too much to offer, aside from a good luck... and keep at it.

 

[FurryFury]

If you look around you might find there are other kink groups fairly close within an hour or two. Going to some of them would possibly give you experienced resources.

I've heard that using a hotel is a huge pain in the ass because of the cost, the moving of equipment and the fact that the hotel personnel can come and go as they please, not as you do.

Private homes seem to work fairly well though to put the gathering on one or two whose homes are used may be somewhat of a burden to them?

The group I belong to once had a downtown building they used. I think that worked well. I think they leased it for a while but then things changed.

Right now they are debating leasing another building, buying a house and/or building to suit while running demos and parties out of the homes of members.
Munches are done at public restaurants.

HTH,

Fury

 

[BiBunny]

I'm a little disheartened about the whole thing because the friend I was counting on to help me out just more or less shot me down when I talked to him. Something along the lines of "It's too expensive, we don't have the facilities, etc." I tried to point out that I'm not even thinking large-scale play parties at the moment, just more of a social-type venue for the local kinky folks. Why do people have to be so freaking difficult?

 

[CutieMouse]

I *think* (going off old fuzzy memoires from research done several years ago) that a Dallas area munch started ages ago by a group of people just showing up at X resturaunt on X day each month. total expense? Everyone was responsible for purchasing their own meal/beverage. I believe the story I read was that they'd met for several months and grown quite a bit before the management even realized they were "regulars", at which point they explained themselves and came to an agreement.

Because everyone behaved themselves, didn't offend the other customers, dressed normally (and spent money), the resturaunt worked with them to rope off one section of the dining room, and it's still going strong.

Starting a munch doesn't have to be expensive or complicated. Make a list of common sense rules (don't give other customers a reason to need to answer awkward questions from a 5 year old), and see what happens. Once you have a core group of 10-15 people, you'll have your board of directors (or at least a few of them), and can draw up rules, etc.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks, CM. That was the kind of thing I was thinking of. I guess my friend thought I meant some kind of huge-scale thing. Maybe some clarification is in order. I really don't think it has to be as complicated as he is trying to make it.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I'm a little disheartened about the whole thing because the friend I was counting on to help me out just more or less shot me down when I talked to him. Something along the lines of "It's too expensive, we don't have the facilities, etc." I tried to point out that I'm not even thinking large-scale play parties at the moment, just more of a social-type venue for the local kinky folks. Why do people have to be so freaking difficult?

LOL, because when it comes down to it a lot of people are keen when these things are just talk, but when it comes to doing something to make it happen, they find a million and one excuses to not do anything....basically they rarely go far in life because it takes too much effort...you on the other hand have initiative and drive so don't let yourself get dragged down because of one wowser.

Catalina

 

[BiBunny]

Dammit, cat...I'm blushing.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Dammit, cat...I'm blushing.

Oh cool, a blush a day keeps the blues away.

Catalina

 

[Soumis]

I belonged to a relatively tiny group in College Station, and up front costs for everyone was absolutely nothing, nada. In a college town this was a big deal. We met at a coffee shop (not Starbucks) and just did the ol' look for big red candle trick. Everyone dressed vanilla and since coffee shops are generally used to more liberal discussion, as long as we paid our dues in coffee sales, they didn't care.

We used a yahoo group and volunteered houses/apartments/back yards for parties. Every party was potluck, and dues were never mentioned because everything was provided by the members. You wanted Dr. Pepper, you brought Dr. Pepper. You wanted to tie someone up, you provided the rope. We'd have a lot of "do it yourself" type workshops too, and bring in speakers from other cities when we could. At only an hour and a half from Houston and Austin we'd take field trips to larger events, and a lot of our members were involved with groups in those cities as well.

I'll admit this approach isn't ideal for everyone or all locations. Bryan/College Station is a close-knit place to begin with, and this is the south, being neighborly just came with the territory. I could see larger communities having more difficulty with this approach. Rules regarding privacy become even more important when you approach it like this as well. You had had had to attend a munch at the public coffee shop before recieving a party invite, and phone numbers, addresses, party locations, etc were never posted to the list.

That said, I have never been involved with a more supportive group. We got to know one another extremely well. I didn't go a week without seeing someone in the group regardless of whether there was a munch, party, event. New people were welcomed enthusiastically (if for no other reason than there weren't a lot of us) and a lot of effort could go in building the relationships that keep groups together. I can't imagine taking my first steps in bdsm in any other environment, this group was a family.

A cross in the dining room, a massage table in the kitchen, spanking bench in the office, and convienantly placed "plant" hooks in the living room, there's a lot more to work with than most people realize.

 

[FurryFury]

Sounds like a truly great group you had Soumis!

Fury

 

[BiBunny]

Yeah, Soumis, that's more of what I had in mind. Glad to see that I'm not crazy--it really does work!

 

[Evil_Geoff]

*keeps whispering...*

"If you build it, they will come!"

 

[leeroy jenkins]

*keeps whispering...*

"If you build it, they will come!"

That is so true, if you can provide for a need then people will come to get if filled.