Start a fresh Advice for Janelle

[Ravin the Poet]

I would like to start fresh with the poets here, and more or less get peoples personalities down. One thing I as a writer like to know about the people reviewing my poem is their personality, because you get a better sense.


Here is the bare bones of a poem I started titled Janelle. I did take some advice I basically wrote down what I wanted to get across. This has not been edited so I will be working on this next.

Janelle

“nay dear sir” she says to me
For I am but her Lord
“For your wife I shall never be.
I’ll take care of your children three
But you dear sir shall be ignored

She sweeps my den and tends to the land
And I bring home silver and shiny gold
“Slap me with your crocked hand
for I will not move from where I stand
and you will die lonely and elder old”

“Dearest Janelle I ask of you,
no I plea for this to end,
I’m not the man you thought you knew
And my sins are quite untrue
So I command of you to attend

She looks at me with a fire in her eye
“Nay dear sir, I’ll say again,
Be your wife, I’d rather but die”
Sweet Janelle the end draws nigh
“Dear sir I ask but when?”

Three children have grown old
And I am left with a dust of land
No silver, no shiny gold
No Janelle that I can behold
I am but left as dust and sand.


I feel as right now, the rhyme could use work. Being rough draft though, that was expected. What do you think of the format going ababb? Does it work, or would it be better to change it? What image do you see? Is that image seen throughout the poem?

 

[eagleyez]

First Impression

I like it.

The last line buttons it up nicely, a void that is somehow universal tween peoples.

 

[Willows_Tears]

Hello-- I enjoyed reading this-- I am on my way out for the weekend but will be back to answer your questions.

All the best,
free Willow

 

[Liar]

Can only say that it worked for me. It triggered my imagination to reconstruct the story behind the poem, and that's always a good thing. Who is this old man, and what has he done to deserve the disdain of this woman (a maid or similar, I assume).

The rhyme scheme of abaab (not ababb as you wrote) is very solid. It gives every stanza a finality and a natural pause after it that works perfectly with the content. The actual rhymes you use to employ it are as far as I can tell both apt style wise and content wise, and phonetically correct - what more would you want from them?

For editing.. The only thing I can think of that you should work with is the meter. You tend to throw in modifying words here and there in your lines that you don't really need, and that un-syncs the rhythm. For instance, if "And I bring home silver and shiny gold" was "I bring home silver and gold", it would better match the form of the corresponding line in the other stanzas.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Janelle

“nay dear sir” she says to me
For I am but her Lord
“For your wife I shall never be.
I’ll take care of your children three
But you dear sir shall be ignored

She sweeps my den and tends to the land
And I bring home silver and shiny gold
“Slap me with your crocked hand
for I will not move from where I stand
and you will die lonely and elder old”

“Dearest Janelle I ask of you,
no I plea for this to end,
I’m not the man you thought you knew
And my sins are quite untrue
So I command of you to attend

She looks at me with a fire in her eye
“Nay dear sir, I’ll say again,
Be your wife, I’d rather but die”
Sweet Janelle the end draws nigh
“Dear sir I ask but when?”

Three children have grown old
And I am left with a dust of land
No silver, no shiny gold
No Janelle that I can behold
I am but left as dust and sand.

I like this... Ballad?
I also enjoyed the story factor of the poem and only note that...

"...and you will die lonely and elder old”"
this line hung me with elder and old together... perhaps that is just me but this is my one cent worths <grin, nice poem.