Starfish, what the hell do you want for valentine's day?

[Starfish]

I want Him.

I only have a little more than a week to land his ass for v-day, but I don't really give two shits about that. I am more concerned about the overall picture to come. Everytime I am alone with him, given a chance to tell him how I feel and that I want to go out with him, my mouth dries up, my hands shake, I feel dizzy, and when he looks at me, I really clam up.

Those eyes say something to me. Why does he look at me that way? Why does he look at me, and when I see him, he looks away nervously.

I know he shows some interest at times, and that any indifference he shows is probably a result of how I've acted toward him.

So what is holding me back?
Fear? Fear leads to jealousy, jealously leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to the dark side of the force or some shit.


I bet he'd understand me using that analogy for what is going on inside of me. I used to not get jealous over his showing any sign of checking out a passing girl. I do it too, but the thing is, now it eats me up. I hate it. I fucking hate it. I hate when it seems it is almost baiting a response from me. I want him, and I want him to want me, not them. That is selfish, and very unlike me.

The problem is that there are so many miscommunications between us, that are a result of my feeling that I have to act indifferent to him for so long, because of my past situation, but I do love him and want him to know that I do. If he wants me, what's holding him back is probably my "marriage". I don't know what he senses, I can't imagine he thinks everything is okay, based on how I respond to his questions about things to do with my marriage, but he doesn't know about the break up yet.

So the jist is that so much has occured to me about him, good and some bad but the bad is not bad enough to be anything hard set in him. As a result I love him, but have not showed interest consistantly so I worry he won't believe me.

I went through the whole....
~write a letter to him explaining...... (can you say "cop out") NIX

~Ask him out on a date, and when he is like "but you are married" I can explain the break up, but then I don't know how to tell him about my feelings and explain what has been going through my head, or even if I should tell him right away. I don't want to alienate him more.

But if I don't, I worry he'll think I am just asking him on a whim, for someone to be with, to fill the void. This is so far from the truth it isn't even funny. I wanted out of my marriage since over a year ago.

If he only knew that there hasn't been a day in 7 months that he's consumed my heart and soul.

I drew him, did it from memory, told him I did, and he was like "You drew me?" Laughed a nervous laugh, and then said no more. His not asking to see it made me feel like he was not pleased. However, I did have a look of uncertainty about how good it is, and so he may not have wanted to freak me out. I don't know. Or he could care less, but how can that be?

He asks me things that people don't ask me... about my family, my situation, and before he ever even talked to me, it seems he knew somehow I was an artist. He went to art school for three years. In every way, he is clearly adorable. He is genuine to people, concerned, caring, outwardly motivated, and so dead sexy, but I sense, and have since before I ever talked to him, that something dark hangs over his head, and I fear it is lack of love, that may equate to some lack of confidence in him. He is so worthy of love. He is so worthy of feeling utterly wonderful about himself. He is truely special.

I wish my marriage hadn't made me feel so unconfidant. I want to find a way, but how?

Fuck.

I hate asking for help with this, but do any of you have any tips on how I can prove myself to him?

Any help?

What have you done in the past to show someone you love, that you care deeply, when they had only maybe a little bit of an idea to go on, before you told them, or whatever?

I am lost inside on this, because all of my efforts over the past two weeks have failed in me, before I could even try.

Am I really this weak? I am not this way and it bothers me that I've become this way. I have never had fear about telling someone that I love them. WTF?

thanks in advance for any advice you guys can lend.

fishy

 

[intrigued]

Aww, fishy.... I'm gonna have to think on this a bit, I'll probably PM any answer I come up with, K? For now, I'd like to ask you to find a mirror, and go stand in front of it for atleast 3-5 minutes. I wonder what you see?

I wonder when its going to hit you.

 

[Gilly Bean]

Send a valentine. Sign, secret admirer.


Actually, send a few, all with small clues, leading to some where, or something, where you will be waiting.

Make it like a valentines hunt.


Start a few days before valentines day, and continue on up, and with the last one, say something like:

My admiration continues, and if it is returned, this special someone will be waiting for you at *name place* at *name time* with a single white rose in her hands.



It would make it all nice and anonymous at first, and with small clues, will lead to a nice dinner date, or a walk in a park, or a muesuem...

 

[Starfish]

Oh, intrigued.
I have so many people around me telling me how wonderful I am. I know there has to be something to it, but abuse makes you doubt yourself, especially when it comes from someone you loved.


I never really look at myself anymore. I can't stand the idea that I feel like I've become someone I can't stand. It is a viscious cycle.

I should feel better knowing what I have going for me, but it is all fear. I deeply fear letting this one slip by me, or because of my fear of losing a chance to be his friend at least. I fear I won't be enough for him, that he will want more that I cannot offer. Fear that he won't understand what pains, scares, and freaks me out.
Fear that he won't feel the same. I don't know if I can face that, but I KNOW that it is the best for me to face these fears, and overcome them. Even if he doesn't want me, I should feel good that I can have it in myself to seek out love, and have hope.

 

[Guest]

Rather him than me.

 

[Starfish]

CV, you bitch. Don't you want me?

You lied to me in pm. You told me you loved me, and wanted me, and wanted to watch the tele with me.

I am crushed. Fucking crushed.

 

[intrigued]

Oh, intrigued.
I have so many people around me telling me how wonderful I am. I know there has to be something to it, but abuse makes you doubt yourself, especially when it comes from someone you loved.


I never really look at myself anymore. I can't stand the idea that I feel like I've become someone I can't stand. It is a viscious cycle.

I should feel better knowing what I have going for me, but it is all fear. I deeply fear letting this one slip by me, or because of my fear of losing a chance to be his friend at least. I fear I won't be enough for him, that he will want more that I cannot offer. Fear that he won't understand what pains, scares, and freaks me out.
Fear that he won't feel the same. I don't know if I can face that, but I KNOW that it is the best for me to face these fears, and overcome them. Even if he doesn't want me, I should feel good that I can have it in myself to seek out love, and have hope.

Ok, then do this. Go back up and read everything YOU just said about him. Read that, and then tell me what kind of person has those kinds of beautiful feelings for another?


What does that tell you about YOU, Star?

 

[bad kitty]

Oh honey, I wish I could say something or give you some wonderful worldchanging advice, but I ain't that good. LOL my advice off the top of my head was to email him a link to this thread.

You know where I am if you need me.

 

[intrigued]

A couple things...it takes a really long time to get to know someone, doesn't it? In your eagerness to cover all the bases, to make sure all the "I's are dotted and the T's are crossed", you can easily come on too strong. You have obviously sat there telling yourself all the reasons why he could possibly reject you, in preparation for when it happens. Don't...just don't.
Slow down. I can almost seeing you standing before him, basically blurting it all out in a huge rush, without even breathing once, and well, that would scare even me.

See, I think he is just scared. Thats all, scared. You are married, even though you're separated. People don't want to be rebound, they don't want to be inserted into what could or could not be a soap opera, they want to be sure there is alot of room for them in your life, and thats only fair. Its also very hard to get too cozy with someone when you're wondering in the back of your mind "Can their marriage be saved?"
So, this is going to take some time. You can't just tell him this stuff, you're going to have to show him, over time. You're going to have to decide once and for all to just sit back and let it do its thing, at its own pace, in its own way.
You can tell him of your feelings, but just go easy. If he senses there is some hurry, well, you know how that feels, and how that could make things worse.
How would you approach this relationship were you not married-separated? I mean as far as how much you reveal of yourself, the way in which you approach courting and intimacy? Try as hard as you can to let THAT be the way you approach it. Openly, honestly, freely.

Star, I was crippled with fear when I began my current relationship. I had to face fears I'd fed for years, even little things like driving in rush hour traffic in a major city to get to the airport to pick him up. Then later, my fear of crowds and how to actually get myself through an airport to board a plane without doing something stupid and humiliating myself. Then, of actually letting him close to me, of just letting him see "me". And so many more things. But I did it shaking and sweating and feeling nauseated and like I was going to explode, because like your guy, he was worth it, worth anything I could do to give it a chance.
I've been nothing but rewarded at every turn.
If you REALLY want this, buckle up, stand in that mirror and face what you see there, and get yourself where you need to be. Not for him, or for romance, you do it for Star.

Even baby steps lead somewhere.

I like Gillys idea, with a few variations that I'm still working on.

 

[Guest]

CV, you bitch. Don't you want me?

You lied to me in pm. You told me you loved me, and wanted me, and wanted to watch the tele with me.

I am crushed. Fucking crushed.

You need a new ID rather than Hanns. It's getting tired.

WitchSlut666, I haven't encountered, yet.

Let me see...

 

[Starfish]

CV, that is cute, but I am clearly only AJ.

Thank you guys for the love and advice. I really appreciate it.


Okay, so, intrigued, your advice is golden. I am in too much of a rush, but it is because there is actually a time limit here. He won't be in my life much longer, 6 more weeks to be exact, if I don't let him know I want him in my life. But, there is time. But It doesn't have to get shoved in his face either. I imagine that he suspects this all in me, as it seems he contemplates my every response, and thought, in advance as it is.

I must calm down and realize that the right moment will come for me to let him know and that if I strive to do it forced, unnaturally, it may backfire on me.

So, I must calm down, look at myself and my worth and make my life good for me.

It could be tomorrow, or weeks from now, but it will come. I just have to get comfortable with myself. I know that won't help if I am anxious.

Thank you! I'll remember this and apply it.

 

[intrigued]

CV, that is cute, but I am clearly only AJ.

Thank you guys for the love and advice. I really appreciate it.


Okay, so, intrigued, your advice is golden. I am in too much of a rush, but it is because there is actually a time limit here. He won't be in my life much longer, 6 more weeks to be exact, if I don't let him know I want him in my life. But, there is time. But It doesn't have to get shoved in his face either. I imagine that he suspects this all in me, as it seems he contemplates my every response, and thought, in advance as it is.

I must calm down and realize that the right moment will come for me to let him know and that if I strive to do it forced, unnaturally, it may backfire on me.

So, I must calm down, look at myself and my worth and make my life good for me.

It could be tomorrow, or weeks from now, but it will come. I just have to get comfortable with myself. I know that won't help if I am anxious.

Thank you! I'll remember this and apply it.

You're welcome Star, you can do it, and I sure hope he will be in your life much longer than six weeks.

You have a beautiful Valentines day!

 

[Rambling Rose]

G, you overwhelm me with all this. I'm just gonna wish you luck, okay?