Stab at a Haiku

[polarized]

I could not sleep last night, my mind has been racing!

So I did some reading up on haikus, inspired with my haiku binge that started after reading some that Wildsweetone had written. They were great btw!



Displaced painted leaves
darkened nimbostratus clouds
sitting on a porch


I was not sure what title I wanted after mulling over several of them, or if It should even have one. Here are some that I thought of.

Lazy in Autumn, Stormy Autumn, Lazy Autumn, or just plain Autumn.

I was also unsure if a lengthy title was a bad thing? Does anyone have thoughts on this? Do you need a title? Another question I have is about starting a new line. Should each new line start with a capital letter?

Beyond those questions I would love to hear some Critique on this haiku.

Thanks in advance

 

[Liar]

Well...

1. Your haiku is more in the spirit of eastern haiku than most you see out there calling itself haiku. It's a swift, descriptive scene with a seasonal flair. Well done. There are more dimensions to it than that if you're a purist, but it's definitely in the right direction.

2. The 5-7-5 syllable count is not nessecary. Possibly if you write it in Japanese, but I'm not sure. Many good english haikus are much shorter. As swift as possible is a good rule of thumb. "Darkened nimbostatus clouds" could for instance be "Darkened nimbostratus" or even simpler "Dark clouds" without losing it's meaning.

3. I can't remember. Are haikus traditionally even supposed to have titles?

4. I never start a line with a capital letter (unless, of course, it gramatically is a new sentence). I think it looks horrible. But many like it that way, for some reason. However, every line in your poem IS a new sentence. So you should either have caps on all three lines, or no caps at all for this one.

good luck!

 

[polarized]

1. Your haiku is more in the spirit of eastern haiku than most you see out there calling itself haiku. It's a swift, descriptive scene with a seasonal flair. Well done. There are more dimensions to it than that if you're a purist, but it's definitely in the right direction.

Thank you

I will have to try some others to see if I can reach into that.

2. The 5-7-5 syllable count is not nessecary. Possibly if you write it in Japanese, but I'm not sure. Many good english haikus are much shorter. As swift as possible is a good rule of thumb. "Darkened nimbostatus clouds" could for instance be "Darkened nimbostratus" or even simpler "Dark clouds" without losing it's meaning.

I wanted to try using 5-7-5 without a particular reason, other than it being a place to start.
I like how it looks when omiting "cloud" from that line, perhaps a variation without the 5-7-5.

3. I can't remember. Are haikus traditionally even supposed to have titles?

I have no idea, hopefully some one else has some input on that.

4. I never start a line with a capital letter (unless, of course, it gramatically is a new sentence). I think it looks horrible. But many like it that way, for some reason. However, every line in your poem IS a new sentence. So you should either have caps on all three lines, or no caps at all for this one.

Thank you again for all the helpful advice, I will keep that in mind

 

[bluerains]

I feel inclined

to use the whole spectrum of the pyramid of form...from zappai (pseudo-haiku) to senryu to tanka ...and such..thus not limiting thought to nature only...mostly because as evie as said...all nature has been tapped out ...in haiku in one way or another..to create the 5-7-5 in new ideas ..is an addition...because of pattern and structure for me...

Thank you

I will have to try some others to see if I can reach into that.



I wanted to try using 5-7-5 without a particular reason, other than it being a place to start.
I like how it looks when omiting "cloud" from that line, perhaps a variation without the 5-7-5.



I have no idea, hopefully some one else has some input on that.



Thank you again for all the helpful advice, I will keep that in mind

 

[polarized]

I am so glad you posted that!

The sight I had been reading from, omitted a lot of information. I went off browsing several others, well now I understand what you said.

Thank you hehe

to use the whole spectrum of the pyramid of form...from zappai (pseudo-haiku) to senryu to tanka ...and such..thus not limiting thought to nature only...mostly because as evie as said...all nature has been tapped out ...in haiku in one way or another..to create the 5-7-5 in new ideas ..is an addition...because of pattern and structure for me...

Now I am hooked on Haiku! ahhhhh!

Trying out a 3-5-3 and since it is springtime not autumn...

Rippling pond
budding singing trees
early spring

 

[wildsweetone]

hi polarized! so glad you are having fun with the haiku form. i love it, though i'm still learning this form myself. i'm aiming for as pure a haiku form as i can in following the japanese masters - i still have a long way to go. *smile* ...just as well i'm still young!

these are my thoughts that i've picked up over the last few months of reading and learning. i may be wrong with some of them, but they are the guidelines i use.


Basically
-Haiku contains comparison, or contrast, or association.
-Observe a facet of nature, combine it with another image so a third image is formed in the reader's mind.

So,
yes:
1. haiku is based on one moment in nature
2. haiku written in japanese has 5-7-5 syllables, in english the general rule is to aim for less than 17 syllables.
3. haiku has a positive outlook (in the traditional form - more modern ku are allowing unusual haiku i.e. darker works.)


and,
no:
1. do not include human thoughts or emotions, or any words that need a human thought process to understand the concept. i.e. no human abstract ideas like 'paradise'.
2. do not include similar words i.e. frozen, frosted. - it's a waste of one word that could be put to better use. and also it is a double up on a kigo.
3. don't end with a verb.
4. don't include conjecture i.e. enjoying.
5. check adjectives are sense known, not intellectually known.

as for punctuation, and titles...
i do not capitalise anything, i do not include periods. i try to include kireji (a break). i do include a title for submission sake but it is taken directly from the haiku. i think traditionally haiku had no titles, but the anthology i have been reading has titles for Basho and his followers' ku. so i suggest if you have one, you take it from your haiku to be on the safe side.

grammar you'll pick up along the way with more reading.
if you're serious about learning the form, i suggest you read jthserra's essays on Haiku for your initial stop, and then hunt out reputable haiku sites online and books in your local library.



...i don't think it's a completely bad thing to begin writing haiku by using the 5-7-5 form. it is somewhere to start. you learn to minimise your words needed to convey specific images. but by refining the form further, you learn how to go that extra step and create special poetry.


keep writing and enjoy yourself

 

[polarized]

hi polarized! so glad you are having fun with the haiku form. i love it, though i'm still learning this form myself. i'm aiming for as pure a haiku form as i can in following the japanese masters - i still have a long way to go. *smile* ...just as well i'm still young!

Hi Wildsweetone! Thanks for the plethora of information, mmm more Haiku info
It's fun learning new things, especially when you truly enjoy what you are learning.

"just as well i'm still young!" These last few days I feel like a teenager in love, all over again, minus all the zits!

Thanks again

Off to explore, btw I can't wait to read some more of the ones that you come up with

 

[wildsweetone]

oh beware! most of the ones i've come up with are not very good haiku. it's only just clicked recently for me. you would honestly be better off hunting out the masters...

begin here...

Basho

and

Buson





happy reading