St. Mayhem

[Maid of Marvels]

Welcome to St. Mayhem, a rather large hospital nestled unobtrusively in one of the busiest cities in Somewhereville, USA. St. Mayhem has recently been purchased by a huge (but not profitable) conglomerate, has been restaffed and is "open for business".

Our first day begins at the crack of dawn with the new staff in place and the sound of sirens wailing as the Emergency Room doors swing open for the first time in months and a motley multitude of patients storm the hospital.

Come in any time you like for the "full treatment" or an overnight stay, but be aware that you might never leave...

This story is open to any and all. The OOC can be fournd here: Casting Call: St. Mayhem.

 

[slowandeasy]

Fast Eddy

"No mam I don't believe I need to see a shr...er a psyciatrist, if you'll notice I've just got this bleeding problem, down here next to my family jewels. Maybe if I just get it cleaned up and someone inspects the area my problems will be solved."

Somehow Eddy got headed in the wrong direction and he was talking to Candy Love the head shrink at St. Mayhems. No matter he'd figured out how to work the system.

"Miss?.. "he looked at her nametag..."Candy Love...hmm that's a nice name I bet you're just as nice as your name. It would be real nice if you would just take a quick look at the damaged area. I know it's not your line of work, but I'm sure you can handle anything that might come up. And if you can't..." he added with a wink. "I promise to not hold it against you."

 

[Lordmikel]

Paging Penny Loufer

Richard Kensington looked around at his office. He had way too much work. It was actually amazing how much paperwork a hospital generated. The government seemed to love to make him complete more and more paperwork.

Which in turn made him want to make the patients complete more and more paperwork. He always made him feel goodwhenever he got a politician as a patient. They had to complete so much paperwork, they were diagnosed with writers cramp before they left.

But right now he needed one of the nurses.

"Penny Loufer please report to my office." He said over the loudspeaker.

 

[Tibxo]

Harold P Snottgrass the Third

Harold P Snottgrass the Third stood in front of the mirror as he straightened up his tie as he readied to go to St. Mayhem to have an operation.

"Mabel!! Mabel!!! Are you ready yet?" He barked, not at all happy since his backside was more painful than ever - not that he would have been cheerful even if it wasn't.

"Coming, dear." Said a small bowed woman who scuttled out of the kitchen to answer her husband. Harold looked down at his wife which was no mean feat since he was only 5 foot 2.

"You are not going like that, are you???" He barked after casting an eye over her.

"Why? Have I done something wrong?" She asked, her face going pale.

"Done something wrong???" Harold said in disbelief. "My wife goes dressed like some common prostitute and she has the audacity to ask me what is wrong??? What has gotten into you, Mabel???"

"Err...err..I...errr."

"Oh stop stuttering, woman. Your skirt is far too short. Look at it." Harold barked as he pointed at the obscene sight. "You can almost see your ankles."

"Oh dear....I-I will go upstairs and change it." Mabel whimpered as she looked down at her legs, before scuttling up the stairs.

"And hurry up! The cab's here in five minutes!" Harold shouted after her. "And remember the cushion! I can't go in the cab without the cushion!"

Five minutes and another inspection, they are in the cab and heading towards St. Mayhem hospital.

"You know, Mabel. I am quite looking forward to seeing the old place again."

"Yes, dear." Sighed his wife.

"They had a lot of respect for me there you know. When I was the Administrator. No-one could run St. Mayhem like I could. Of course they miss me you know."

"Yes, dear." Sighed his wife...

 

[Vibro repairman]

Igor shuffled down one of the hospital corridors. Shuffling was one of his families specilities, and he did it at quite a speed. From what he had seen so far at St.Mayhems, he would fit in quite well. His family had a long tradition of serving in similar positions, although he was having trouble with the looming out of the shadows bit with all the brightly lit whiteness. The hospital did have a nice dark damp spot down by its electrical generators where he had snuck in his own billet and leech collection though.

 

[Dr lovemuscle]

Dr Lovemuscle strode down the corridor of St Mayhem, I say strode, because he was 6"5' inches of unadulterated muscle.He was a tall, Dark, handsome man, he whistled a tuneless refrain through his Gold teeth as he moved down the corridor stopping at the copper nameplate on his surgery door,his name, barely distinguishable due to an undue accumilation of green Verdigre."Wait till I get my hands on that cleaner "he muttered vehemently,I will shove a filthy mop up his lazy, cretinous backside!

His surgery was laid out as he'd asked, suspended cradles with ominous leather holding straps. Stainless steel surgical implements hung in neat rows,around the stark walls. You could have mistaken these implements for having occupied hannibal lecter's kitchen, Clamps, restraining devices, gas masks, rubber suits and wellies,it was all here, yes Dr Lovemuscle was feeling pleased, yes, very pleased with his new position, Ahh life is good!

He opened the draw of his desk, pulled out his soother and popped it in his mouth. He had been dying to put his new theory's of diagnosis and treatments to the test and St Mayhems had given him carte blanch to do so. Other Doctors have stupidly used the tongue, thermometers, blood pressure, stethoscope as a means of diagnosis, but not him, Oh No, Ha ha ha, Ha ha ha, Ha ha ha! He, Dr Lovemuscle has his own pioneering, revolutionary, brilliant, clitoral clamping, inspection and observation method.
Males can expect much worse, the Van Der Graff generator, hot wired to each testicle and the surgical umbrella shoved down the euretha, opened up and pulled out slowly methods were his favorites, He didn't like treating men you see.

His clock ticked tocked forebodingly towards
9-o- clock, the time when his first unsuspecting patient would come through his door and he couldn't wait. He ran his fingertips along his gruesome display of surgical instruments and they chimed in unison a pleasant sounding cacophony, at least to his ears..............................Next Please!