Spouses

[titridingman]

I have a dilemma I hope y'all can help with.
The short version is: my wife's a paranoiac. If I'm on here, I must be RPing or screwing around (don't get me wrong, I would if I had the time), instead of just talking to someone, or worse yet writing porn. Since she's paranoid, I haven't put any of the story ideas I have in my head to paper, even in note form, since if she were to find em...I'm paying alimony and child support.
Has anyone else dealt with a spouse who doesn't understand? And if so, what your secret?

 

[Swilly]

Who doesn't understand what? That you WOULD be RPing or screwing around if you had the time? Unless I misunderstood that, perhaps she isn't paranoid. Maybe she is responding to your behavior.

At the end of the day, people need to consider what's important in their lives and act accordingly. In any relationship, people will have different tolerances for different things. You need to decide what you value and what risks you are willing to take.

There are people out here that have the full knowledge and support of their spouses, and there are people out here that hide their presence from them. There's no magic. Every couple is different.

 

[PennLady]

Is your wife paranoid in general? I.e., does she worry every time you step out of the house that you're somehow cheating on her? Or is it just about this site? If the latter, I think you need to sit down and talk to her about it, maybe show her and let her get her own ID. Then, for your part, do not engage in RP, etc., without her knowledge or maybe even participation. Communication and transparency are key.

OTOH, if you need to engage in this on the sly and worry about being found out to the point that she'd divorce you, I think you have bigger problems than whether to post here.

Every couple is different, this is true -- my husband knows and reads my stories and is very supportive. But I can't think keeping this secret, unless it's a don't ask/don't tell kind of thing, is helpful in a relationship.

 

[titridingman]

It isn't just here. It is everything. If I am five minutes late from work. If I get a text after 9 pm of any kind, a birthday reminder from facebook set her off once. If I'm logged into yahoo messenger. If I say something like "Salma Hayek looks good for her age." Any of those things set her off. Finding out I'm on here would make her go nuclear. As would her finding out I've written anything remotely erotic.

And before someone says it, no it isn't thing I've ever done. I've never cheated. She's never caught me RPing or anything (in fact I started RPing because I was tired of the BS involved in getting her naked). She's been schizo since ten seconds after I put a ring on her finger.

We've got a kid so I want things to work, but I gotta write. For anyone who knows, it is like bees in the brain. I really hate than when working on something non-erotic, I feel guilty after writing a very mild sex scene; I know my wife would consider it "cheating" because I wrote it in the first person. Talking to her won't work, been trying that for a decade. Just looking for advice on how to clear enough safe space in my life to get some words done.

 

[allamagione]

Sounds to me like she might have a guilty conscience about something...

 

[Swilly]

Sounds to me like she might have a guilty conscience about something...

I don't think so. She sounds horribly insecure.

Life is full of compromises and trade-offs. You need to decide if they are worth it, and if you decide to do it on the sly, whether you are willing to deal with the consequences if you're caught. If you hide and you're found out, you will certainly appear guilty of things you may never have even considered doing.

 

[Handley_Page]

I have a dilemma I hope y'all can help with.
...I'm paying alimony and child support.
Has anyone else dealt with a spouse who doesn't understand? And if so, what your secret?

Are we to assume that this is your second marriage ?

I don't think so. She sounds horribly insecure.

Life is full of compromises and trade-offs. You need to decide if they are worth it, and if you decide to do it on the sly, whether you are willing to deal with the consequences if you're caught. If you hide and you're found out, you will certainly appear guilty of things you may never have even considered doing.

I agree.
It strikes me that perhaps you might have a long and serious conversation.
And write your stories in the third person.
Good Luck

 

[robertreams]

Almost any wife would tolerate:"I am a writer. I am on Literotica to try to publish my work and to read the works of other authors. Sure, I read and write about sex, but well, sex is part of life."

If you think your woman doesn't know how you really feel, you are a fool. Here is what your message said to me: "I am not on here to get sex, but if some would actually, accidentally occur, well, then I couldn't help it." I agree. Your wife is not paranoid. She doesn't trust you! For good reason! You need to examine your own motives and behavior, not hers.

 

[Desiremakesmeweak]

That's nice RobertR., but um, there is also another point of view.

Which is simply to look at the question logically in terms of what it is asking.

'How do I get some time/space to dedicate exclusively to writing erotic stories - or to do anything else for that matter that is not going to be interfered with.'

Yup, there is some insecurity to deal with - just say every now and then that YOU don't give people ultimatums, and that you think she is great, clever, intelligent, beautiful, or any number of complimentary things that might apply. And don't go any further than that. That is all that people need. Although they might need it regularly, if not constantly.

Assert that your occupation(s) needs to be respected. What that occupation actually is, is no one's business but yours - in spite of how many self-righteous and indignant critics open up on you (or me!) here.

Remove all sense of guilt from yourself for WHATEVER you are doing short of being a serial killer. And that also means refraining from judging others.

Marriage is not a contract giving one person the right to run the other's life. No, it is not.

Marriage is a bit of nonsense designed to indulge the stupidity and ignorance but more particularly, the emotional sensitivities of one side generally.

And here is the most ancient authority about it: 'no oath is binding in love or in war.'

The respect you show in a marriage, is the requirement at all times to moderate the excesses you have the power otherwise to deal to others. And in this respect we are all married to - our societies, our countries, our laws, our partners, and so on. The fact that most people haven't the foggiest what 'marriage' actually is, is not my problem and not yours either. You can have a secular authority speak on it, or a religious figure such as Socrates or Jesus Christ or Moses, but all of them point to the same thing: the terms of marriage contracts are about people's hardness of heart, not their love. Love allows all, love conquers all, love forgives all.

Love, of course, is a divine necessity when it is experienced; whereas marriage is a worldly, human artifice.

A great stylist once said: 'when you have great clothes, you ALWAYS have somewhere to go.' And when you are driven, by the desire to write, or to make love, or to have sex, there will be a way - it is the Law of Venus. And it is a real law.

There is only one way for humans to go - and that is up. Marriage does not take you there. Love does. Lust is good. Convenience even better for the mortal. But Love, finds ways no man can comprehend or make plans about beforehand.

Loves moves faster than the speed of light. While humans live outside of Love they can only have rules and face worries and disappointments and be anxious. If someone is fortunate enough to fall under the tutelage of Love, they may suffer, but they will learn about Love, and they will become educated in Love and established in the Universe, and nothing will overcome them.

Stretch out your hand. 'For Behold, lest they stretch out their hand, knowing both good and evil, and take of the fruit of Life, and live forever, like Us...'

Put forth your hand, and take of Love. It will not harm you. It is without limit.

 

[NaokoSmith]

There are contradictions in your posts in this thread around you saying you are committed to your marriage, although you would sneak off if you got the chance - and in your profile which says something like: "Married, bored to tears by it."

I honour your wish to do the best for your child. However, it isn't always the best thing for people to stay together for a child's sake. Growing up seeing two people in a bad relationship hurting each other may be worse than growing up knowing that one person said: "This is not good enough" and insisted on a good friendship instead of a bad marriage. Of course only you know the ins and outs of the situation and whether it's better for all three of you if you stay or if you go.

You seem (understandably) angry with your wife; that may be better than indifference. If you have some sort of feelings still there, maybe there's something to work with?

Maybe if you still have a sexual relationship, you could write some stories for your wife. You could publish them on here. In that way, she might get used to you having a writing profile and come to accept it when you start writing fiction that doesn't have her in the story.

Or you could release your writerly and sexual frustrations in stories and sneak on here to publish them, with the risk of being found out. If you're only writing stories you would have the moral high ground, even if she is accusing you of 'writing stories! that ... have the word 'sex' in them!!!!' Surely everyone around you and any counselors you went to would tell her she was being unreasonable?

Everyone has a right to their sexuality, whether expressed in the bedroom or on the page.

 

[SamScribble]

A friend of mine used to write murder stories. Heavy duty murder stories. Several stories involved spouses murdering spouses. As far as I know, it never worried his wife. They both died, more or less happily, of 'old age'.

If your wife might be worried about you writing stories that might involve sex, I think you may have a deeper problem. Maybe you two need to start talking.

Good luck.

 

[NaokoSmith]

TRM, I was just thinking you might also get your wife to have a look at some of the postings by women writers in here. Not me! I just come in here to behave badly.

patientlee is a really fine erotic writer, and competition winner. Her stories are extremely well written as well as hot. If your wife looks in the FAWC thread, she can see pl joking with friends both male and female, including her husband. Maybe that would reassure your wife? It's evident that although pl likes a good larf, she would not behave badly.

PennLady (or PL) is also someone who posts about her family occasionally in a way which makes plain that she wouldn't mess about. She writes hot romantic stories which your wife might enjoy.

 

[titridingman]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I could nitpick every response, but let me do the short version:
Anything that comes from me is instantly discredited, so even though I have considered suggesting couples therapy I don't seeing that idea going over well.

Yes, I want my marriage to work, but I am bored to tears by it. Nothing in it is intellectually stimulating at all. When I wander the internet, I'm not doing it to find anything physical -- the thought of that makes me yawn. My brain needs to get off and she hasn't been able to do that for years.

I like the idea of writing stories for her, since her reading tastes run more to this site's fare than mine do, but she has put so many boundaries around things in the bedroom that anything I would write would be missionary in the dark.

I could explain being here by saying I am trying to get my stuff read but then she would want to read it. That would not be good. The stuff I have in mind isn't neighbors or strangers, but family. Again, not because I am actually attracted to anyone in my family -- we're a pack of fuglies; that's just how I think the envelope should be stretched (and no, before someone says it, no pedo stuff). Knowing her, I'm 100% sure it would be interpreted as me wanting her sister or cousin or something.

It isn't that I want to hide things from her; it is that I HAVE to because her default setting is 'overreact to the Nth degree.' I've never done anything to jeopardize the marriage -- she's the one that actually left twice for a total of about two years and I welcomed her back because I take my vows as seriously as I possible can, even to the detriment of my own happiness -- but I'm the one constantly under scrutiny. I don't mind it, if I can find a way to work around it.

Again, thanks everyone for your input.

 

[Serafina1210]

Yes, I want my marriage to work, but I am bored to tears by it. Nothing in it is intellectually stimulating at all. When I wander the internet, I'm not doing it to find anything physical -- the thought of that makes me yawn. My brain needs to get off and she hasn't been able to do that for years.

Time to look around for the exit, TRM. You've just described a marriage on life support.

 

[NaokoSmith]

Honey, I think you should post in here as quietly as a mouse and enjoy yourself. If she finds out, you can run all the things she has done to make life difficult for you past her and say: "What did you expect me to do?"

To cover your back, I would periodically try to get her to go along to couples counseling, or family therapy - maybe appealing to her about making sure your child is doing well will help.

There is nothing like having the moral high ground when shit starts hitting the fan.

FYI, my partner knows I post in here. He has never wanted to read my stories or even my blog, preferring to support my 'political feminist project' at a distance. So he makes supportive noises if I prod him but that's all.

I think everyone deserves a little fun in life, and in my partner's words "it's healthy for people to pursue their own hobbies, not live in each others' pockets".

 

[titridingman]

Thanks for the solid-sounding advice Naoko. And I had to laugh (in surprise) multiple times at your signature.

Once, of course, for the marx line.

A second time for the F word: feminist. That's actually why I started thinking of writing some stuff for the freaky people: most of what I read was so far gone in feminism it bored me to tears. Couldn't help but think: "Doesn't anyone write this stuff for the thinking caveman anymore?" LOL (Not disparaging your work, just laughing at myself for agreeing with someone who labels their work feminist.)

 

[NaokoSmith]

Thanks for the solid-sounding advice Naoko. And I had to laugh (in surprise) multiple times at your signature.

Once, of course, for the marx line.

A second time for the F word: feminist. That's actually why I started thinking of writing some stuff for the freaky people: most of what I read was so far gone in feminism it bored me to tears. Couldn't help but think: "Doesn't anyone write this stuff for the thinking caveman anymore?" LOL (Not disparaging your work, just laughing at myself for agreeing with someone who labels their work feminist.)

What? Didn't you laugh at the tits thing? Most men do laugh at the tits and I should have thought with your name you would appreciate them.

LOL, I think feminism is fun! There are a lot of feminisms and I mainly play with the fun ones. Check out my blog and see if you agree with me some more.

And have fun. (Just cover your back as much as you can, 's what I do )

 

[PennLady]

Time to look around for the exit, TRM. You've just described a marriage on life support.

I have to second this. I realize you have kids, and I know it isn't easy to end a relationship, let alone a marriage, but think of the example you're setting for them. Hiding and suppressing yourself basically so you won't get into trouble, when you're doing nothing wrong? That's not good.

Best of luck sorting it all out.

And I think I have to disagree with Naoko about coming here on the sly. I may be thinking in an alarmist manner, but if things did progress to a divorce and it came to light that you wrote incest stories on a site like this, it could work against you, I'd think.

Protect your kids and protect yourself.

 

[litmlove]

I have a dilemma I hope y'all can help with.
The short version is: my wife's a paranoiac. If I'm on here, I must be RPing or screwing around (don't get me wrong, I would if I had the time), instead of just talking to someone, or worse yet writing porn. Since she's paranoid, I haven't put any of the story ideas I have in my head to paper, even in note form, since if she were to find em...I'm paying alimony and child support.
Has anyone else dealt with a spouse who doesn't understand? And if so, what your secret?

I suggest that you suggest for her to see a psychologist "to help out with life's difficulties." It is not healthy being so insecure.

A trained professional psychologist would be very helpful for her -immediately or after awhile she should 'mellow'. Otherwise you could suggest she joins a group therapy of some kind - any club with that is a social activity with other married women (bridge club?, knitting?).

It would help if you send her the right signals too. Instead of saying you are "working late", just say you are writing fiction for fun. But I am an amateur, go see a real psychologist and maybe you can devise a plan and get some helpful suggestions.

 

[NaokoSmith]

I think this probably is helpful to you, that you are getting a range of views in here. In the main, we all honour your wish to do your best by the relationship for the sake of your child. Hopefully this all helps you reflect on how to get the best for yourself as well as others in a really hard situation. And yes, that might mean having to leave.

There was a thread a while ago in which someone who was writing parent-(adult)child incest stories, and who had been threatened with having these brought up in court over parental rights, was seeking advice. Mainly people thought that someone who attempted to use this kind of evidence against someone to block their parental rights would not get much sympathy from the courts, however if you are worried you should get confidential professional advice. You can't tell what a private individual will do, so a good sense of how institutions will react is important.

I will just recap to be sure we understand
- your wife is not a rational person, she is unreasonably paranoid about anything which could be viewed as extramarital activity;
- she totally refuses to go to counseling or therapy, whether couples or individual;
- she, not you, left (twice) for a two year period but came back;
- for the sake of your child you want to try to make a stable family relationship.

Presumably she would be the one who had custody if you split and this would significantly affect your relationship with your child.

I do think you are in a real tight spot, and whatever your decision, it will still not be easy for you. I think you should get some professional advice yourself - legal and counseling support - about your rights in this situation, being careful what you say about involvement in erotica until you are sure you have confidentiality.

 

[patientlee]

I have to second this. I realize you have kids, and I know it isn't easy to end a relationship, let alone a marriage, but think of the example you're setting for them. Hiding and suppressing yourself basically so you won't get into trouble, when you're doing nothing wrong? That's not good.

Best of luck sorting it all out.

And I think I have to disagree with Naoko about coming here on the sly. I may be thinking in an alarmist manner, but if things did progress to a divorce and it came to light that you wrote incest stories on a site like this, it could work against you, I'd think.

Protect your kids and protect yourself.

Honesty is always best.

 

[Serafina1210]

I think you should get some professional advice yourself - legal and counseling support - about your rights in this situation, being careful what you say about involvement in erotica until you are sure you have confidentiality.

Absolutely agree. Your wife may be unwilling to get help, but you can and should.

 

[3113]

Anything that comes from me is instantly discredited, so even though I have considered suggesting couples therapy I don't seeing that idea going over well.

Suggest it. And if she refuses, then go yourself. If you really mean it, if you REALLY want to save the marriage, go to a male therapist and go with or without her. We're NOT therapists here. We can't help you as you need to be helped. And you do need to be helped because your wife's problem with you might be one of many realities, none of which we can know for sure as we're not therapists and we don't know the real you.
(1) She's right to be paranoid and you're lying to us about your infidelities as you lie to her and maybe yourself.
(2) She's got some serious chemical imbalance which makes her crazy paranoid and needs meds. Like seriously. How will you know this unless you see a real doctor about it? Go to a therapist for yourself. But in the process, you may find it helps her.
(3) You need a better way to communicate with her so that you assuage her fears. And you're not going to learn that here, from us, in one thread.

More to the point, here you are, on a porn board, no doubt reading porn, thinking of writing it, saying as much, complaining about your wife, and with that profile. All of which will get you into very big trouble with her when she finds out (and she will) and you know it. Do you want to be caught? Perhaps you should go to a therapist and find out why.

So stop this bullshit that "she won't go to couples therapy" and that's why you're not going. Go. Without her. Now.

Or, put away the internet, get yourself entirely off, stop using any cellphones, stop using anything that can be traced or that she can use to spy on you, become like an Amish--technology free...and then see how she deals. Might be interesting.

Or, tell her you want her to see something, show her everything, calmly let her scream and accuse, make no excuses. Then say, "I'm going out." And do what you like. Then come back, let her scream and accuse, say nothing. Make a sandwich. Go on the internet, watch porn, write it. Let her scream, let her accuse. Say nothing. Go to bed. When you do talk to her, talk to her only of mundane things (what's needed at the grocery store) and talk very quietly, almost in a whisper. If she yells, whisper "Why are you yelling?" Continue as necessary. People will tend to stop screaming and accusing and trying to get you to pay attention to them that way if you don't pay any attention to them at all when they do it. It's called classical conditioning. If you want to stop her behaving in a certain way, then you must not give her attention when she behaves that way. And when she behaves in a good way, then you give her attention. So, until she talks to you quietly, rationally and politely, she gets no response at all.

Why not? Seems you've tried everything else and it hasn't worked.

 

[Handley_Page]

Well said, 3113. Very Well said.

Having looked up what paranoid means, I can honestly say that my Ex suffered that condition.
But it cost me a substantial sum. . .

 

[allamagione]

I've never done anything to jeopardize the marriage -- she's the one that actually left twice for a total of about two years and I welcomed her back

I knew it! When someone is that suspicious, nine times out of ten it's because they're guilty of the same thing.

Incidentally, incest is my fictional drug of choice, too. And I also started writing as a revolt against feminism. I've found my sexual fantasies are generally far outside what most feminists consider acceptable fictional material.

I wish you the best of luck. I know firsthand how terrible it feels when you must repress your fantasy life. And it never works. If that part of you doesn't come out here, it will come out somewhere. Erotica is a comparatively safe outlet. It's a shame your wife can't allow you that escape.