Spouse just NOT into it - Argh...

[MsCreamy]

If this sounds like a familiar situation to anyone, please let me know...and the best way to handle it:

Recently I've told my husband of my wish for a more D/s relationship (at least sexually) between us. He is uncomfortable w/ the idea of our sex not being about 50/50 gratification in the traditional way. You all know what I mean yes? He's not comfy with me wanting him to become Dominant over me, even if kept to the bedroom.

I wrote it in a letter - he basically ignored that information until I had to bring it up to him again. I tried leaving things around, little introductory printouts and such, for him to read and become even just a little aware of his wife's desires.

I do NOT expect him to be able to just jump right into it and bing bang bam i'm being cuffed and trained all in one night lol, But it would be nice if he could at least work up the nerve to order me to do something instead of always asking, and always making everything nice and polite and soft.

He says that I do not know what I'm talking about because I'm a very independant person and don't take correction well - and he's right, in my normall day to day life I am most independant, thorough and very aware that I have a harder personality than a lot of people - but that doesn't change the fact that I wish to be in a relationship where I can let someone else have the control, does it?

What is the best way to get him to understand this? I don't think a regular conversation is working at this point. I don't want this to mess w/ our marriage sexually, but I am afraid it could be a real hamper to our sex life - and while we've got more than sex to go on....well, you know the rest of that statement.

 

[chris9]

Been there
I guess there is no one and only working 'recipe' to get sexual domination. For me your approach did work. I wrote S e-mails about my fantasies, about wanting to be dominated, telling him what I would like him to do. He does these things from time to time, though he (-hopefully only- still) feels sometimes silly, stupid tying me, spanking me, taking charge.

Maybe you can try working on the 50/50 gratification thing with your husband. Tell him you would be MORE gratified if he would dominate you (topping from the bottom). Maybe he would be alright to just try out some D/s only for one evening or something, to make you happy, to please you. Then after that you two can talk about how you felt during, maybe if he sees you getting right into it, being more aroused, he would do it again, because YOU like it. If you give him several option of things you would like him to do to you, so he wouldnt' have to make up things himself and doesn't have to worry about doing too much, maybe he would pick some of them.

Your saying that you think 'a regular conversation' doesn't seem to help anymore really is a problem. You will have to talk him into trying this for you. I don't know any other way to get him to do it. And it must at all times stay his own decision. Because by forcing him to do something he detests doing, nothing will get better and the relationship can be severely damaged. So really talking is your only way.

Man, am I lucky that S does do some domination to please me

Good luck, MsCreamy! If you want to know more, feel free to PM me.

 

[flowerchilde]

I haven't had this problem, but I think chris9 has the right idea. Ask him if he will try it for one night with no obligation and then see what he thinks then. I think if you let him know that even though you have a strong personality outside of the bedroom it doesn't mean you don't want a little domination in the bedroom. I'm a fairly strong willed person as well, but I am a slave to my Master and I love it, He doesn't control ALL aspects of my life, just the ones pertaining to sex. I have a hard time making up my mind about sex, before I told my SO about my D/s desires he used to ask me what I wanted him to do to me and I never knew! I couldn't come up with an answer, once I gave up control of my sexual desires I was much more comfortable!

Good luck, I hope you and your husband can work this out, maybe he has a fantasy he would like fulfilled and you could take turns, one night your fantasy and the next his. Just my $0.02!

 

[psyche1973]

I know where you're coming from, sort of. I recently posted here about a similar problem I had with my husband. https://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=344093 and got some great advice/support.
You said conversation isn't working but you need to talk to him about it, I suggest you keep it brief. Invite him to discuss and promise it will take no more than *10* minutes, set a timer, when the timer goes off stop talking about it. Nothing makes a guy want to run to the hills than getting roped into a long discussion about something they don't want to discuss in the first place. *Do not nag* (This applies to all things in life, nagging is pointless!)
Buy kinky porn... guys respond to porn, plus it'll give him ideas about what you want done to you. My husband could only get through a couple of vignettes on a rough sex porn and the next thing you know he's pulling me into the bedroom and.. well you know.
Be patient, it may take him a little time to discover his kinky side.

 

[MsCreamy]

Thank you, all of you. I will try these suggestions.

 

[leanoir]

I don't have any advice to offer, seeing as I'm in much the same situation you are...I've been trying to convince my boyfriend for a while now. We've gotten somewhere at least, because he's realized that he enjoys tying me down as much as I've liked being tied down. But I may steal some of this advice for myself

 

[O'Mac]

I don't have any advice to offer, seeing as I'm in much the same situation you are...I've been trying to convince my boyfriend for a while now. We've gotten somewhere at least, because he's realized that he enjoys tying me down as much as I've liked being tied down. But I may steal some of this advice for myself

That sounds like a pretty good start, at least. Start off small then work your way up to where you're both comfortable.

DON'T do what a former friend of ours did. He gave his girlfriend an ultimatum saying, "either go along with this or we're through."

It was a very messy break-up.

 

[THE_GENTLEMAN]

I use to think S+M was stupid. I just never really gave it enough thought, to understand it I guess. Once, about a year ago, I
came into the room and wifey shut the laptop screen right quick. So I says to myself, she must be cheatin on me or something,
among other thoughts that wildly run through my sadistic pro-pain head.

Anyhow, I mentioned this on another post. But anyhow, I still really don't understand S+M from a male perspective. I mean her
slapping my ass does little for me, although I do like to have her don a strap on and violate me. Whether that constitutes S+M, fuck
if I know. All I know is getting slapped in the ass does nothing for me. Now if I was chained to the wall with a hot dominatrix tickling
my cock with a feather and sexually tease-torturing me, well I probably would like that.

Anyhow, your husband. He probably thinks S+M is weird. I did once. Not that anything I was or am into is not weird. I do pretty much
anything except kiss men and eat poop. lol. I think the major problem with guys is that they are worried about what the neighbors, friends
might think. Me personally, I learned a year ago, when I was 33, the key to life as I see it. This is, to never let anyone impart stress, ideals,
thoughts or whatnot onto you. Do not internalize anybody elses desire to make you feel like shit.

The world is a sad sad place. If we are worried about people slapping each other on the ass and putting on handcuffs and blindfolds, well,
we got a real problem then don't we? People are out to make your body feel like shit. Plain and simple. I'm done with that. Nobody gets
inside, unless I allow them to. That aside, tell your husband, or boyfriend how you really feel. Don't write a note. Perhaps it's too delicate
of a subject to deal with in words, but I would talk to him in person. Tell him that you want to be spanked and you will suck his cock after
and swallow his cum like never before.

The one night thing is a great idea, caus he'll probably become addicted to it like me, LOL. Now the primary reason I'm into this is because of
the pictures below. Now initally I liked that and still do, but I'm starting to like the idea of being a master. Has a nice ring to it, don't it? Funny
thing is, our realionship has always kind of been DOM/SUB in a sense, just not applied in this manner. So my wife thinks constantly about
being strapped up, hog tied, titty tied, slapped, cuffed, collared. But you know what? Her pussy is always ripe and wet. It's gotten so much tighter
as well, and I'm not kidding. When I slap her and do what she likes, and tell her how much cum she is going to swallow from me and other men,
and how many dicks she is going to fuck and suck, her pussy actually swells so so tight that I'm in complete disbelief. Have your husband or
boyfriend read this post and really sit down, think and relax. S+M is your friend.

G-MAN

http://mysite.verizon.net/vze7lb40/kf/124.JPG
http://mysite.verizon.net/vze7lb40/kf/122.JPG
http://mysite.verizon.net/vze7lb40/kf/123.JPG

 

[Netzach]

That sounds like a pretty good start, at least. Start off small then work your way up to where you're both comfortable.

DON'T do what a former friend of ours did. He gave his girlfriend an ultimatum saying, "either go along with this or we're through."

It was a very messy break-up.

I eventually had to do that. The other person has as much right to NOT be into it as you are to be into it, and these constant "conversion" attempts eventually, if they make them uncomfortable and unhappy, are a kind of cruelty. It's called an impasse, and for me, sexuality is too important to go without or compromise on for years and years.

I'm in a relationship with someone more compatible. My ex is in a relationship with someone more compatible. We're friends in spite of shitty things I did and his total unwillingness to meet me halfway on that stuff.

You live once and only once. It's very hard to be in a relationship that's otherwise loving and good with huge parts of you missing, and only you know how important those parts are. For some people they are secondary to the relationship they are in...for me they are secondary to NO relationship I could ever be in.

 

[ZenDragoness]

edited

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

Maybe he would be alright to just try out some D/s only for one evening or something, to make you happy, to please you. Then after that you two can talk about how you felt during, maybe if he sees you getting right into it, being more aroused, he would do it again, because YOU like it. If you give him several option of things you would like him to do to you, so he wouldnt' have to make up things himself and doesn't have to worry about doing too much, maybe he would pick some of them.

Good advice. That was what I did one night with my ex but as it happened, as much as he enjoyed hogtieing and teasing me, he was only doing it to make me happy but that was not what made me happy. Different things for different people. The only things that really matter are what make our lives better and if he is worried about what others may say make sure it stays within the bedroom behind closed doors. Before letting out any idea that I had a masochistic side(or exhibitionist streak) I kept things behind shut doors....mainly the bedroom.

Try it for one night and if it doesn't work then I'm sure you two can find other ways to make it work.

Goodluck,
cherry

 

[MsCreamy]

Well....

I went searching through the internet for something really explanatory about BDSM and I found a perfect site. I'm goint sit and read with him over it first....and then hopefully he'll have a better understanding and will be more amenable to trying just a little something if he knows it's not about me wanting him to really really hurt me.

I will let y'all know what happens I'm not feeling very well lately, so probably won't be for another week or so...

 

[O'Mac]

I'm in a relationship with someone more compatible. My ex is in a relationship with someone more compatible. We're friends in spite of shitty things I did and his total unwillingness to meet me halfway on that stuff.

Well as long as in the end things worked out for both of you, I do see you're point.

 

[FurryFury]

Hi Ms. Creamy!

Love the avatar after I saw the blow up!

Okay now, I have been steadily seducing my reluctant husband into this for around six months.

He doesn't want to hurt me and that is a beautiful thing. He is also afraid of his very violent tightly controlled nature. He should be commented for controlling it. He has always put me on an (in my opinion) undeserved pedestal.

When I am researching something and into it, I talk about it a lot. I can't help it and thank Gawd he loves my voice no matter what I am saying. LOL!

He is my best friend and vice versa. We have a great relationship and great communication when we have the time to talk.

Talk with your husband not to him. I have to force myself to shut up and listen so I don't talk to him. It's taken a while but I want to hear what he has to say too. I have this terrible need to constantly entertain people but the pauses for thought and silences are useful.

I sent mine copies of delicious little dirty things I had either found or written with another. He knew therefore I was intensely interested in spanking. Yet I truthfully told him I didn't know how I would react to it in real life and wasn't sure it would be a good reaction.

He stated he did not want to spank me at all. I accepted that but one night he sort of pseudo spanked me and even that made me a bit wild, wilder than anything he has so far tried. Naturally this intrigued him.

We have been back and forth over spanking and BDSM which he claims to have no interest in or understanding of for a while now. He is getting into it. I've had to be patient and low key about that. I have not made demands on him at all.

Things are getting there. Boy are they ever!

So I hope that helps you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Fury

 

[cicciolinaicrm]

i have a similar problem, my husband wont have sex with me as he says, b/c he loves me...he can only relate sex to dom/control/degradtion/etc....we have only been married for 9 months, and we are still in early 20ies, but the sex is like a 90 year old couple....help please....

 

[chris9]

i have a similar problem, my husband wont have sex with me as he says, b/c he loves me...he can only relate sex to dom/control/degradtion/etc....we have only been married for 9 months, and we are still in early 20ies, but the sex is like a 90 year old couple....help please....

Sorry, I'm not sure I understand what you have written/want to know. Here's what I understood: Your husband won't have sex with you, because he loves you and sex for him is BDSM. Or is it like this for you and he doesn't want to dominate you, because he loves you? I'm a bit confused, really, mayby you can write again to make it clear, then maybe I can think of something to tell you. Sorry.

 

[cicciolinaicrm]

he wont have sex at all, all forms of sex is related to control and since he loves me, he does not want to have sex with me,...i know makes no sence to me, but thats the only explanation i have been able to get..

 

[cicciolinaicrm]

when we 1st met, is was like a one night stand that last a few weeks!! he was the perfect lover, did everything i wanted with out having to tell him how to do it, then we began dating and a few months down the road he told me he loved me, from that point on the sex has been lil to none, with me begging for it, and him just doing it to shut me up, which its obvious to me that he not into it, so i cant get off. i dont know how to get him to go back to how it used to be...when he found out i cheated, he fucked me as good as our first few times, but then he said how bad it made him feel to fuck his wife..... can anyone understand this???????

 

[Cherrysweetdeal]

i dont know how to get him to go back to how it used to be...when he found out i cheated, he fucked me as good as our first few times, but then he said how bad it made him feel to fuck his wife..... can anyone understand this???????

That sounds like he has something wrong with his own opinions and about the way he's thinking about the relationship. The only thing you can do is talk to him and ask what that means...it sounds wrong honestly.

cherry

 

[FurryFury]

when we 1st met, is was like a one night stand that last a few weeks!! he was the perfect lover, did everything i wanted with out having to tell him how to do it, then we began dating and a few months down the road he told me he loved me, from that point on the sex has been lil to none, with me begging for it, and him just doing it to shut me up, which its obvious to me that he not into it, so i cant get off. i dont know how to get him to go back to how it used to be...when he found out i cheated, he fucked me as good as our first few times, but then he said how bad it made him feel to fuck his wife..... can anyone understand this???????

Honestly Honey?

No.

I can't understand this.

Clearly you don't either.

You guys need help. Do you have any friends you can talk to? Maybe you can get a good recommendation for a marriage or sex therapist.

A few years back I tried that. My ex refused to go back but I tried it. The therapist catered to him so I have no idea why he wouldn't go back. The whole thing really pissed me off cause she favored him and kind of gave me a slap in the face but I was willing to go back, willing to do anything.

I also got a book called "Getting The Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix. It didn't help with the sex at all but it did help me understand how I ended up with the jerk I did. It had quizzes in it. The book opened up some good discussions but he left anyway.

The bottom line to me is that if you are both willing to keep trying and communicating you can probably work it out. If not, you are probably going to part ways as sad and horrible as that is.

Good luck honey! I hope you find a path to what you want.

*hugs*

Fury

 

[chris9]

when we 1st met, is was like a one night stand that last a few weeks!! he was the perfect lover, did everything i wanted with out having to tell him how to do it, then we began dating and a few months down the road he told me he loved me, from that point on the sex has been lil to none, with me begging for it, and him just doing it to shut me up, which its obvious to me that he not into it, so i cant get off. i dont know how to get him to go back to how it used to be...when he found out i cheated, he fucked me as good as our first few times, but then he said how bad it made him feel to fuck his wife..... can anyone understand this???????

Well, it doesn't really matter if anyone around here can understand. YOU will need to understand. So keep talking to him, try to understand what he's trying to tell you.

 

[SexForYourHead]

Well, it sounds like you might be in a difficult spot. Here's my advice:

1. First off, remember you're dealing with your whole relationship here. You're only talking about sex, but if you're not careful and it doesn't work out, you have alot more at risk than just being sexually satisfied the way you feel you want.

2. Remember, this kind of thing is not for everyone. He doesn't have "a problem" if he really doesn't want to do it. He's just different and apparently relates to sex differently than you do.

3. Definitely pursue what you want and need. But I'd be really leery of making the whole thing too "technical". And I would especially stay WAY clear of the "lifestyle" thing. As much as a pervert as I am, the lifestyle aspect, while fine for others, doesn't suit me. I don't like to think of it as alternative anything. It's just sex with a different wrapper. I don't need to identify with it in any way, and it sounds like his more vanilla attitude might put him in the same place.

4. The whole D/S think takes a leap of faith, particularly to detach the play from the underlying affection and respect he has for you. Some people get off on it naturally, other have a tough time with it, and yet other will run screaming. I think your best bet with him is to try to get him to understand you can separate the love in your relationship from the "game" you would play as a sub. It's a tough call whether he can do that.

5. Be careful what you wish for. Be sure you feel secure enough in your relationship that it's strong enough to withstand any bleed-through into your marriage. It's a great thing if you can do it. But if his respect for you is tied deeply to how you interact sexually, there could be an impact you're not expecting. The last thing you want would be to lose the tenderness between you once you go there. And this does happen.

6. Remember he's human too. I'd bet he's got some kink in there. If he's religious or moralistic when it comes to sex, that could be a barrier. But you might try getting him to release some of his fantasies first. Maybe if he can let go of something that even you don't yet know about, he'll be able to internalize the possibility that you can experiment with sex to any extent you want and still maintain a love relationship.

7. If you want to be a sub, act more like one. If he's sitting on the couch reading the newspaper, slide up to him, unzip his pants and get to work. Nothing like a good hummer while reading the business section.

8. And if he's really into the 50/50 thing, tell him you'll tie him up first.

Best of luck.

-d

(BTW, I'm new here. Hey all!)

 

[slavewife]

If this sounds like a familiar situation to anyone, please let me know...and the best way to handle it:

Recently I've told my husband of my wish for a more D/s relationship (at least sexually) between us. He is uncomfortable w/ the idea of our sex not being about 50/50 gratification in the traditional way. You all know what I mean yes? He's not comfy with me wanting him to become Dominant over me, even if kept to the bedroom.

I wrote it in a letter - he basically ignored that information until I had to bring it up to him again. I tried leaving things around, little introductory printouts and such, for him to read and become even just a little aware of his wife's desires.

I do NOT expect him to be able to just jump right into it and bing bang bam i'm being cuffed and trained all in one night lol, But it would be nice if he could at least work up the nerve to order me to do something instead of always asking, and always making everything nice and polite and soft.

He says that I do not know what I'm talking about because I'm a very independant person and don't take correction well - and he's right, in my normall day to day life I am most independant, thorough and very aware that I have a harder personality than a lot of people - but that doesn't change the fact that I wish to be in a relationship where I can let someone else have the control, does it?

What is the best way to get him to understand this? I don't think a regular conversation is working at this point. I don't want this to mess w/ our marriage sexually, but I am afraid it could be a real hamper to our sex life - and while we've got more than sex to go on....well, you know the rest of that statement.

MsCreamy,

You have been given some good advice already, but I will add my 2 cents.

You could prepare an exciting, sexual scene for when he arrives home from work. Have yourself dressed in something kinky and slutty. Rubber or leather are good. Tie yourself to the bed (just ensure that you can easily remove yourself, since you're alone before he gets home). When he arrives home, scream downstairs to him. You've been a BAD BAD NAUGHTY GIRL. COME SEE.

Tell him you've been horny all day and touching yourself. You've been so hot and bothered that you sniffed and licked his jockeys and had to masturbate several times to internet porn. Youve been bad and need to be punished. Direct his attention to a paddle or something on the bed, twist your torso to reveal your ass, tell him you've been bad and need to be spanked and fucked and treated like a cum-craving whore-slut.

Something like that anyway! lol

If he gets off in even a small way then maybe he will start discovering what he likes and dislikes. This is how I got into it, by roleplaying, pretending, and having kinky sex sessions.

sw

p.s

appeal to his penis

 

[shy slave]

MsCreamy,

You have been given some good advice already, but I will add my 2 cents.

You could prepare an exciting, sexual scene for when he arrives home from work. Have yourself dressed in something kinky and slutty. Rubber or leather are good. Tie yourself to the bed (just ensure that you can easily remove yourself, since you're alone before he gets home). When he arrives home, scream downstairs to him. You've been a BAD BAD NAUGHTY GIRL. COME SEE.

Tell him you've been horny all day and touching yourself. You've been so hot and bothered that you sniffed and licked his jockeys and had to masturbate several times to internet porn. Youve been bad and need to be punished. Direct his attention to a paddle or something on the bed, twist your torso to reveal your ass, tell him you've been bad and need to be spanked and fucked and treated like a cum-craving whore-slut.

Something like that anyway! lol

If he gets off in even a small way then maybe he will start discovering what he likes and dislikes. This is how I got into it, by roleplaying, pretending, and having kinky sex sessions.

sw

p.s

appeal to his penis

For someone who just discovered this lifestyle a few weeks ago, you learn quick.

 

[slavewife]

For someone who just discovered this lifestyle a few weeks ago, you learn quick.

Thank you!!!

sw