Specific critiques of my first story

[BamboozledBeaver]

I posted my first story and would love some specific feedback on the structure and style of it. I'm quite happy with it but want to keep improving as I write and a critical eye would be a great help.

Thanks in advance.

https://literotica.com/s/a-hot-soak

 

[ElectricBlue]

A good little stroker, fast and efficient. A little corporate woman in a tight grey skirt, what's not to like?

The spanking seemed a little incongruous, didn't quite match the rest of the mood - but that's a quibble, not a complaint.

Technically, I'd suggest cutting those long paragraphs down into shorter chunks, to give readers some white space (think what those text blocks would look like on a small screen, like a phone). A couple of typos, not many.

Other than that, no problems that I could see. Writing that proposal paid off, coz you can obviously write!

 

[BamboozledBeaver]

Thank you for taking the time to read it and reply. I just read I'll Need to Change the Sheets and wow it was excellent so I really appreciate your feedback. I think it's funny that you found the spanking incongruous, personally I find it a reasonably mild act in reality but what fits the mood for one person may not for another. It's an interesting note though.

I actually went through and cut the paragraphs up even more before I posted but I did think they were still a bit chunky. That's certainly an area I don't have a great feel for yet. I'm slightly disappointed I had a few typos, I read through it a few times before submission and thought I caught them but of course it's easy to skip them when it's your own words.

Thanks again though, the compliment feels great and I'm looking forward to getting the next story out.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I actually went through and cut the paragraphs up even more before I posted but I did think they were still a bit chunky. That's certainly an area I don't have a great feel for yet. I'm slightly disappointed I had a few typos, I read through it a few times before submission and thought I caught them but of course it's easy to skip them when it's your own words.

Try changing the colour, font and size of your text when you edit. That's a good way to trick the eye into reading "different text", and will help catch typos.

You can get an idea of paragraph lengths from any of my more recent stories. After a while it becomes automatic - for me it's mostly a visual thing.

 

[BamboozledBeaver]

I'll have to try the editing trick, sounds like a good idea. Thanks again for the advice.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Okay, so you write romance, and I write... well, kind of the opposite of romance, some might argue. So obviously, I acknowledge that you should take all of my suggestions with a grain of salt. Lol

That said, I enjoyed his story. It was well written, and hot as sex scenes go. I agree with electricblue66 about the paragraph lengths. That can be tricky to nail down, but honestly, just read a lot. You'll start to see what others do.
I tend to think of it as separate thoughts. If you're going to change from focusing on his side of the experience to hers (or vice versa) consider a line break.

Also, if you want to reduce grammatical errors, an incredibly useful tool is a text-to-speech program. Proofread your story while listening to it... it's a game-changer. You're ears will pick up tiny errors that your eyes and spell/grammar check programs will skim right over.

Lastly, (and this is a personal preference, so get out the salt lol) your story lacks any real drama. That isn't always a bad thing, but drama is what keeps readers wanting more. Please don't misunderstand, this isn't an insult. You've created a wonderful, metaphorical ice-cream scoop here... I'm just encouraging you to add sprinkles or whatever. lol

To be perfectly fair, I often add drama in a fairly cheap way. One character wants sex, another character is hesitant... INSTANT DRAMA.

But there are other ways to insert drama. Drama is tension and resolution. Will they/won't they, misunderstandings, honesty/mistrust... all of these things create lasting drama. This short story would fit excellently into a longer story where we aren't sure if this couple's relationship can thrive.

But that's mostly personal preference and is based on my experiences as an author. Your milage may vary.

All that said, good story. 5*

 

[BamboozledBeaver]

Wow thank you for the detailed feedback. Text-to-speech is another good idea I'll have to try on the next one. I'm happy to hear you thought the sex was hot and the story well written. No salt needed on the drama point. I 100% agree. This was written as a short sweet romantic sex scene , very idealized, but as such it absolutely lacks any tension. The next story is longer and has a different focus and purpose so hopefully it delivers on that point but it's proving a little more challenging to write. Thanks again though and I'm happy you enjoyed it.

 

[ColinPiper]

Hi.

It's a challenge, an achievement, and somewhat brave, to put your story out there in the world for everyone to see and comment on. So well done.

You've asked for feedback so please take the below as my opinions only. You can take or leave them. My intention is to help you improve.

Lack of conflict: Someone has pointed this out already so you're aware. Dan was introduced and then disappeared. He didn't do anything in the story, no adultery.

Head hopping: We're in Kate's head, then we're in Rob's head, and then we're in Kate's again (I think) until, "Rob's hand slid the length of her slit and even in the soapy bath water he could feel" - we're back in his head again. If you switch perspective it's best to indicate it with a section break - an asterisk. However, for the sake of this story, it may be best to describe everything from Kate's perspective (although that would mean losing Rob's "running the bath" scene - which perhaps is unnecessary anyway? - I do refer to it again below, but only as an example). When it comes to Rob's thoughts, maybe describe them in terms of what Kate thinks he's thinking by his facial expressions and actions? And I see you've mostly done this.

Proportion: "As he set to work lighting wick after wick he drew the bath. He shed his fitted button down as he tested the water temperature. He adjusted the tap until the water was nearly hot enough to scald, just the way Kate liked it. As Rob poured a glass of wine he heard the front door open. He set the glass on the rim of the tub and headed down."

You've described every action and movement from A to B in the same level of detail. A sense of proportion works better - some things described in general e.g., Rob went upstairs and drew a bath (do we really need to know what he did with the taps and wine glass?), some things more specific for intimacy e.g., His eyes shifted down to linger on her breasts and Kate felt her lightly tanned skin redden slightly. Think of it maybe as like TV/movie scenes with landscape/wide angle shots, mid shots showing two people, and closeups. Mix it up. Proportion.

This sentence construct:

Answering it she saw Rob's handsome face... (She answered it and saw Rob's handsome face?)

Standing at the edge of the mattress Rob reached up... (Rob stood at the edge of the mattress and reached up?)

Releasing her tender tit he crossed... (He released her tender tit and crossed?)

My suggestions are more active voice and less passive voice. True, it's only your first story, but you've shown some ability and I think you have the capability to be more sophisticated. I would suggest one of the best ways to indicate you're aiming for a more sophisticated level of writing is to reduce the number of sentences that start that way. You'll see it an awful lot in other stories, but I'm not a fan. Of course, there may be occasions when it's the best way to express something, but I'd be aware of the number of occurrences.

Unnecessary words: An example -

"Kate smiled to herself as she hung up the call."

"Kate smiled as she hung up the call."

I don't believe the second example is missing anything compared to the first.

Typo: "send Rob a quick text letting her know she was on her way." - letting "him" know?


All these things said, it's still a sexy story with good description and dialogue. Looking forward to your next one.

 

[BamboozledBeaver]

Immense thanks for the detailed feedback. I tried to keep the pov shifts clear but on reflection you are right that most of it is written from Kate's perspective. I hadn't noticed that previously but it's good to keep in mind that the shifts aren't always clear and writing multiple perspectives may not even add to the story.

Your notes on the passive voice are interesting as well. I've heard of it but it's helpful to see the comparisons written out like that.

I tried to minimize the number of unnecessary words but I find myself doing that a lot (outlook certainly tells me to be more concise in every email lol).

Thanks again for all the notes, I really appreciate it and I'm glad you liked the story.

 

[SexIsMightierThanTheSword]

Not being a native speaker, I'm wary to talk about formalities and grammar (I'm still struggling after oh so many years).

I agree that the long paragraphs are hard to read, especially with the perspective shifting back and forth. I had to switch to a serif font. You should break them up, I'd put every action/interaction into a single paragraph.

OTOH, by sheer luck, you ended up with the single final "surprise" sentence on the next page (yeah typesetter's cringe oO)

WRT "unnecessary" words: I occasionally use this as a subtle tool to characterize my protagonists. I don't like to think in terms of unnecessary - sometimes I feel the person needs a more elaborate or roundabout style, and sometimes I really like it to keep as terse and concise as possible. Occasionally also as a means to accelerate or decelerate the pace of the story. I should add that I like to write from a first-person's perspective and often employ tools like stream of consciousness, introspection, inner monologue - all situations where I think you can allow yourself some flourish.
I do use tools like Grammarly or even ChatGPT for readability improvements, but I never follow the suggestions blindly, and neither should you. This is not a German business email, after all.

Sometimes, a slight change of words would work, too. E.g.

Kate smiled to herself as she hung up the call. => Kate smiled inwardly... if you want to express that specific, not really visible kind of smile that occurs mostly in your head.

I'm also suffering from the passive-voice, participle-based disease (Which reminds me that I should recheck my texts, especially the earlier ones). Occasionally I thought your constructions felt a little forced and unnatural because of that.

I'm absolutely NOT sure, but I think a "clit" is still an "it"? Was this a conscious choice?

Sometimes you are changing between names and pronouns for no reason (I think) though the pronoun reference is still clear. Not really an error, I found it just somewhat erratically. Especially in the middle of a long paragraph.

I absolutely liked the details - I'm a very sensual person that loves smells, touches, sounds, and visuals, so I'm certainly not going to complain. That said, sometimes less IS more. You don't have to employ Chekhov's gun, but I agree with another commenter that you should determine which elements drive the story and the atmosphere. Super difficult.

I liked the general flow and the interplay, though I'm not into romance at all. I might have shortened the introductory dialog - you don't need "Dan" and I somehow expected him to pop up again in the last sentence (personally I have a rule where only people that reappear or have some actual impact get a proper name lol). But in general, a very nice first attempt. I really enjoyed it!

EDIT: I have just noticed that Colin Piper has summarized all of this in much better way

 

[BamboozledBeaver]

Thank you for the input. I was wary to have lots of small paragraphs but based on the comments it sounds like that it is preferable to the big blocks and doing it by action or interaction sounds easy enough to implement.

The one line second page was a bit obnoxious especially when the pay off for page two is a very cheesy romance line lol but just bad luck I suppose.

I agree a clit is usually an "it". Saying she was deliberate and is a habit of sorts from a previous lover who went wild for all sorts of pet names for her vulva and in particular anthropomorphizing her clit.

You are right that outside of the sex scene in the bedroom where I very consciously did not use Rob's name until after he came that the switch between a characters name or pronouns was mostly arbitrary. I just tried to give a little variety rather than pronoun after pronoun but maybe that's not necessary.

I'm also a fan of the details, I like getting different perspectives but personally I like the bath drawing scene but in retrospect I agree with Colin that it may work better to drop it and tell the story from Kate's perspective throughout.

I didn't have any plans for Dan at all and upon reflection shouldn't have named him since it seems to have created the impression he'd have some later impact. It was just a small detail that occurs in an office but it's a good note that reader's are going to assume people or things that are introduced at the top are going to be relevant later on.

I'm glad you liked it, especially if romance isn't your genre. I wrote a story that I wanted to read but I definitely expected it might be a little cliche or tame so it's nice that people enjoy it even when it's not what they'd typically read. Thanks again.