Spare a virgin a moment to critique my latest "attempt"?

[ScottishChieftan]

Would appreciate some feedback. Advice, tips, go-to-hells??? Well, some PRAISE would be nice! LOL But after reading the caliber of stuff I have seen others post here, I know I am waaaaaaaaay short of receiving any. Ya'll post some GREAT stuff!

By the way, how DO you post a link? Sorry for the cut and paste, but I ain't figured out how to put in a link yet.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=103253

 

[ScottishChieftan]

Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Not THAT kind of virgin! lol

 

[ScottishChieftan]

Go ahead and admit it, though. The virgin bit DID make you cum to see the post, didn't it!

 

[champagne1982]

Lost in Life's Lane

Well, Chief, I can't say as I liked your poem. I prefer a more sophisticated language when reading about sorrow and the mourning of a broken love affair. You've picked a difficult rhyme scheme to work with. It's hard to write a serious poem when you risk sounding like a child's verse. Keep in mind I'm no expert, I'm not sure I even want to be.
Please, try not to be offended by what I've got to say. You can try some of my suggestions or discard them as you see fit. Without further preamble -- my thoughts.

Walking down a wintry lane. Alone and empty, not crazy, nor sane.
I like it. You're posing a question about who or what fits that description, either unwittingly or by design, matters not. I'm left hoping I'll know if it's you, the lane or the reader. I hope it's the lane.

Trudging onward, into the fog. Snow whirling and dancing. My mind is agog.
Were you stretching for a rhyme here? Maybe you could have introduced the snow imagery by de-emphasizing yourself. Instead, make the snow most important by mentioning it first; "Snow whirling and dancing. I skip on, through the haze. My mind twirling and prancing." Maybe that's too uplifting. If you want to emphasize yourself and your mood try finding a synonym for fog, like haze, then you can say; "Trudging onward, into the haze. Snow whirling and dancing. My mind in a daze." If you choose to keep the word fog, I hope you find a better rhyme for it, bog and smog would keep your darker confusion imagery longer if that was indeed your intent.

White on the ground, white in the air. White in the sky, it is white everywhere.
Yeah we get it. I think this line, since it's so cliched and I'm sorry to say, unoriginal, makes your verse amateurish and disappointing. Don't dispair! Just keep writing and you'll have that muted burnish that seems to infuse the hallowed halls of this place in no time.

Which way is up. Which way down? Where is this sunshine, that is so renown.

Where is the warm air, I’ve heard all about? In frustration I scream, I stomp and I pout.
Where are you that you didn't know it was cold and snowy in winter? You're not making sense.

Roads in every direction, hilly and flat. Some go this way and some go that.
I'm annoyed that I seem to be reading Dr. Suess. Don't get me wrong, Dr. Suess is brilliant, just read "The Lorax" and you'll see why.

Air that seems to (too) heavy, to (too) leaden to breath (breathe). My lungs feel empty, for air they do grieve.
This line belongs in a poem about the tropics or a smoggy city, not a wintry lane. When you talk of a snowy atmosphere most would use words that define the feeling; crisp, biting, nipping even painful or to fit the heavy mood take away the light snow up in the second stanza and then you can describe it as damp, chilling, penetrating or whatever in this one.
You feel emotion, your lungs feel sensation. Could we dispense with the lungs and bring you back? "I am empty, without you I grieve." Get rid of the seeming in the line and your meter is repaired, "Air that's too chilling, too biting to breathe. I am empty, without you I grieve.'

Winding along, this path we call life. Wishing for something, other than strife.
Bring your lane back instead of a path and give us an excuse to be there, stop wishing and start reasoning; "Winding along, this lane of life. Seeking happiness, scourning strife."

Cry out for an answer, stand listening there. Sob in your sorrow, moan in despair.
You've made a pov shift from narrating about yourself, to admonishing the reader. You may have been able to do this if you had introduced something lamentable earlier in your poem, but as it stands I'm left sitting here and thinking, "Huh? What in hell for?" You could rephrase it to read, "I cry out for an answer, stand listening there. Sobbing in sorrow, moaning dispair.

Reach to the sky, for help from above. Hope for understanding, pray for love.
If you adopted the change and got rid of some unneccessary 'for's'; "Reaching to the sky, for help from above. I need understanding. I'm craving love."

Tears fall quickly, like an afternoon rain. No help do they offer, from anguish and pain.
You've dragged us to another season! Rain doesn't seem to fit with your snowy image earlier. Keep us in the lane; "Tears roll down my cheeks, freezing to my skin. No solace is offered from this anguish i'm in."

I seek out an answer. I look everywhere. The answer is simple, it just isn’t there.
I finally get it! You've parted from your love. The warm summer has vanished and you're left robbed of its sultriness. You might introduce that somewhere earlier in your poem. By keeping us in ignorance of the basis for your grief, you rob your readers of one of the main reasons to read poetry, the chance to feel empathy with the poet.

To answer your other burning question about how to post the cool links you could click on the FAQ in the headings on your screen or you could try to find it posted on the "How To" forum or you could try to follow my instructions:

type, without spaces: [ url =
paste your link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=235095
then type: ]ScottishChieftain[/url]
to result in: ScottishChieftain

Happy writing!

 

[ScottishChieftan]

AWEsome critique! THANK you! Nah, didn't hurt my feelings. Thats the kinda thing I need to grow, right? I have ZERO education or experience, but simply enjoy exploring myself through writing. Guidance such as you kindly offered is exactly what I need.
Thanks again for taking time to give me such in depth response.

Bodie

 

[Guest]

Hi Chief. I won't add to the critical comments above and I'm glad you're open to keep trying.

My one observation is that judging only from this poem I would not think you'd read much poetry (I mean a great variety). Your poem reads like someone who has the lowest common denominator view of what poetry is, which is OK in itself but not if you want to write and discover the power and beauty of language for yourself and your expressive desires.

What I tell anyone who wants to 'learn to write', whether prose, poetry, essays or movie reviews, is Read, Read, Read. Nothing has helped me more and I keep at it.

Best to you, Perdita

 

[ScottishChieftan]

Thanks! You are right. Truth be known, I don't reckon I have ever read but maybe 3-4 poems in my life. I probably should read some if I am gonna try to WRITE some. lol I have read a few of the ones here, though. MAN! Some KILLER poets! I had NO idea.

My writing is more to vent my soul, not so much for beauty or that sort of thing. I write what I feel, not what I think. I just sit down and out it gushes, without any conscious thought.

Same with my stories, I seldom if ever spend more than 10 minutes on a piece. I type what pours forth from my mind as fast as my little fingers can fly!

I very much appreciate the tips and feedback. I'll work on it! You folks are awesome.

Bodie