SouthernBelle from Tex. needs suggestions on my first erotic story!

[MichelleMyBelle]

Hello all of you brilliant minds, fantastic writers, and experienced readers!
My name is Michelle, (underusername of michellemybelle), I am 29 years old. I love to fantasize about erotic love scenes and I have a burning passion to become a creative writer. Please ckeck out my first story and post any suggestions, corrections, or feedback. That would be SO respected and Helpful!
Have A Great Day! ; )
Love, Michelle



-->Added by Pure, moderator: story link:

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247244

 

[emily_hughs]

It's a link back to the home page. Where's the story?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Well, I'm not especially fond of second-person (I/you) stories, and I don;t think I'm alone in that. I'd much rather read first person (I/he) or third (he/she). You switch tenses throughout the beginning, from present tense to past tense. (All the sudden, I just walked away...giving you a sweet but naughty smile. I grab the little blanket that I brought with me out on the porch... "walked away" is past tense, "grab the little blanket" is present.) and it needs a good edit and proofreading. You also seem to have a bad case of ellipsis-itis, using ellipses ( ... ) where they're not needed or appropriate.

You do have enthusasim, and you taught me a new rather grandiloquent word ("marmoreal"--marble-like. I had to look it up), but then you follow it with cliches ("on cloud nine" and "I can see your cock from a mile away") so it's hard to say.

As a fuck fantasy, I think it's a pretty good first attempt, and that's something to feel good about, but it's pretty basic. I think you have to decide how serious you want to be about your writing and what you want to achieve.

be interesting to hear what you think of it.

 

[MichelleMyBelle]

About the Last Reply....

Thank you for all your comments!

This is what I think about the story:

I actually thought this whole fantasy up while thinking about this hot friend of mine just a couple of weeks ago. I wanted him to know all the details so I wrote it up and sent it to him. Then after thinking about it I got curious about my writing so I sent it to an editor here on Literotica, I love the Romance stories...only true way to go in my soul. ; )

I LOVED the suggestions, comments, corrections, ideas, etc.. I CRAVE the skills of Creative Passionate Writing!!

I think you are right about everything you said in the last post. I have the passion, the vision, the imagination, the creativity, the motivation, the burning desire!!! Now, all I have to do is, Just Do It! lol : )

I know that I will be a great writer as long as I hang out with all you wonderful writers and readers. Who needs to pay for a writing course when we have Literotica!! YAY!! lol

Thanks again for all your time to all... wanna see my pic and profile?
If so, here is the link to the story, then you may see the pic.

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=247244

 

[Speakeasy]

If your story has a flaw, it's that it's a bit mechanical. We don't know the characters. In this case, YOU know the characters because you know them personally, but that isn't enough. We have to care about these people before we go on a erotic (or any other) journey with them.

I can't speak for all, but it's always been my personal goal to convey what the people in the story FEEL about the event.

As an exercise, try leaving out the "action" and describe the feelings of the woman in the story as it progresses... Maybe that'll help you find your "erotic voice."

BTW... saw your pic and profile. Yum. That's a lucky guy you were writing for...

 

[CopyCarver]

At the risk of saying "me too"...the changes in tense and the second person voice--the latter not actually incorrect--detract from the story. Nevertheless, it's a good early effort.

 

[Worker11811]

So many people who write sexy stories use the words, "cock" and "pussy", et. al. so often that it ruins the mood for me.

All you really have to do is establish that there is a cock in the scene then you can just let the readers imagination fill in the details.

Ex. #1

You kneel before me. You pull down my pants. My rock hard cock stands up before you. You want my cock. You touch my cock. You hear my moans of pleasure. You suck my cock until I am about to cum...

etc., etc., etc...

Too much cock for my taste. You could use synonyms: Dick. Member. Rod. Love Pole. The list goes on and on. But the fact remains. A penis is a penis.

Ex. #2

You kneel before me. You pull down my pants. You see that I am ready. You look into my eyes. The expression on your face tells me what you are about to do. I want you to do it. You finally touch me. I cry out. Your pleasure overwhelms me. I can not resist you...

This is an extreme example but I think it gets the point across: The story is just as hot but there is not one mention of a body part.

Everybody KNOWS what a cock is. Everybody KNOWS where it is located. We all know what they look like and we all know what happens when you put one in your mouth.

All you have to do is set the scene.

The human mind is the real sex organ. The penis is just its appendage.

Your writing is good, so far. Here is a rule that I impose on myself. Maybe you can use it to make your writing better.

I am allowed to use the name of a body part only once per paragraph.

Yes, there are always exceptions to every rule but putting this restriction on myself forces me to go back through my writing to be sure that I say "cock" or "pussy" only as many times as I really need to.

 

[greathands660]

Me too!!

I like to know the characters better, to get me into the story. While the tenses may not have been entirely correct, it didn't take away from the story for me. Don't stop now, keep up the fanticy's!!!!

 

[Bayoububba]

Great Story!

Hi, I loved your story, and hope you keep writing. I left you a vote and comment. I have just started writing myself. Good work!