Sometimes it feels good to scream

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Warning: personal and a bit depressing

Came back from a long trip to my grandfather's house. He's held on a while, but he's about ready to go. He didn't recognize me until the last day and he kept on thinking that he was back in World War 2 and that we were all army buddies of his. As a veteran in this use-em-and-discard-em country, he gets shit from the government, but we make do to help him out.

He's a bit of my hero in many respects. He got fucked out of a college education because his parents could only afford to send his older siblings. He got fucked in the war in the forgotten Pacific Front. And he loved my grandma for years after her death and never remarried, thus showing me what strong eternal devotion was. And when he could still recognize me, he used to be my strongest supporter and was the one who first started my college fund (small as it was). He was also my first writing critic and gave me my first Bradbury novel when I was in elementary school (Farenheit 451).

Anyway, coming back on the plane, I've been feeling a bit on the edge. Especially coming back and seeing the politico threads all abuzzing with chaotic partisanship. I've been a bit nihilistic on those and probably will get more that way as the debates get fiercer and the idiots remain idiots (and in the majority).

Anyway, I've been sucking it up with a series of metal discs on 11 and a few hours of primal screaming. Damn, it sucks to see the ones you love fade away and realize there is nothing you can do for them.

Anyway, sorry to all depress the whole poor forum with my whining pity story, but eh...it hasn't been a good weekend.

P.S. Additional apologies to anyone I offend or depress on the other forums.

 

[shereads]

There's no pain quite like the pain of someone you love and can't help. It sometimes helps a little to realize that when you face the loss of a parent or grandparent, the entire world knows or will know what you're feeling.

If you think about it, losing the ones we loved as children is the one universal experience. That doesn't make it better; but it makes it a little less lonely. On some level, he knows you're there for him. I've seen enough corny movies about near-death-experiences to believe just a little, that even at that stage there's a part of him that's cognizant and at peace, and just feels sad that you are going through this.

It gets better. A lot later, but inevitably, you and he are both okay. That's also universal, as is the right to scream.

Warning: personal and a bit depressing

Came back from a long trip to my grandfather's house. He's held on a while, but he's about ready to go. He didn't recognize me until the last day and he kept on thinking that he was back in World War 2 and that we were all army buddies of his. As a veteran in this use-em-and-discard-em country, he gets shit from the government, but we make do to help him out.

He's a bit of my hero in many respects. He got fucked out of a college education because his parents could only afford to send his older siblings. He got fucked in the war in the forgotten Pacific Front. And he loved my grandma for years after her death and never remarried, thus showing me what strong eternal devotion was. And when he could still recognize me, he used to be my strongest supporter and was the one who first started my college fund (small as it was). He was also my first writing critic and gave me my first Bradbury novel when I was in elementary school (Farenheit 451).

Anyway, coming back on the plane, I've been feeling a bit on the edge. Especially coming back and seeing the politico threads all abuzzing with chaotic partisanship. I've been a bit nihilistic on those and probably will get more that way as the debates get fiercer and the idiots remain idiots (and in the majority).

Anyway, I've been sucking it up with a series of metal discs on 11 and a few hours of primal screaming. Damn, it sucks to see the ones you love fade away and realize there is nothing you can do for them.

Anyway, sorry to all depress the whole poor forum with my whining pity story, but eh...it hasn't been a good weekend.

P.S. Additional apologies to anyone I offend or depress on the other forums.

 

[shereads]

Your amplifiers go to eleven?

That's one louder than ten, isn't it.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Your amplifiers go to eleven?

That's one louder than ten, isn't it.

Yup, it was a Spinal Tap reference. In honesty, my stereo goes up to 31, don't ask. I've actually been listening somewhere in the mid 20s. Loud music with a lot of bass is good for dealing with those intense feelings clawing at the back of your mind. Better than Prozac any day.

 

[English Lady]

Scream your heart out Dear Lucifer (not something I pictured myself typing today!) and do what you have to do to cope.

Shereads makes a very good point, I agree totally with what she says in her posts (I'm also impressed with the way she can count!)


I hope you don't mind my little bit of humour here, it is often the way I deal with sad things. Find the humour and make myself, or osmeone else smile for a while. It makes me feel just that little more able to take it.


take care and know that there are many people out here who understand and will listen whenever you need to vent.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

Your amplifiers go to eleven?

That's one louder than ten, isn't it.

All amps should go to eleven. Perhaps I'm biased.

Sorry about your weekend, Lucifer. That's a hard spot to be in and I'm sending you virtual hugs.

Care to share what's spinnin' in your deck? The ones with heavy bass and a beat to jar the demons into temporary submission?

~lucky

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

My thanks for the sympathies to all of you.

I know about the finding humor in situations like these and often I do resort to a sort of black humor when things are getting too serious. But things like this, it's sort of a betrayal to laugh at it. I know you meant laughing at other things as a distraction and I'll try that as soon as I distract myself from being serious. Yeah, complicated process, I know.

As far as my deck: Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Anthrax, SoiL, Pantera, Slayer, Black Sabbath, The Misfits, Cradle of Filth, Dio, Van Halen, Dry Kill Logic, Metallica, Megadeth, Fear Factory, Hatebreed, Grim Reaper, Godsmack, Rammstein, Nine Inch Nails, Motorhead, Mushroomhead, Pitchshifter, Diamond Head, Blue Oyster Cult, and Mercyful Fate are the ones currently stacked on the floor. All quality devil music.

 

[English Lady]

Aye, you do your seriousness...you've got to just go with how you're feeling at the time.

We do far too much damage holding emotions in when we should just let them out.

go for it.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

That music selection is definitely proof of your mood. I hope it serves the purpose of boiling up those feelings so they can bubble over. That's the only way I know how to start sorting them out. *unclips hair and headbangs with Lucifer for the moment* You're not alone, buddy. My sympathies to you and your family. Don't get too serious though, you're much better at sarcastic troll ass-fuckings here on the pol/hot button threads.

No Rob Zombie, Primus or Black Flag? Hmmm...

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

That music selection is definitely proof of your mood. I hope it serves the purpose of boiling up those feelings so they can bubble over. That's the only way I know how to start sorting them out. *unclips hair and headbangs with Lucifer for the moment* You're not alone, buddy. My sympathies to you and your family. Don't get too serious though, you're much better at sarcastic troll ass-fuckings here on the pol/hot button threads.

No Rob Zombie, Primus or Black Flag? Hmmm...

I have some Rob on the shelf for later. Yeah, I should be in prime ass-fucking form after a day or so of metal therapy, so don't worry about that. So far it seems to be working.

 

[lucky-E-leven]

I have some Rob on the shelf for later. Yeah, I should be in prime ass-fucking form after a day or so of metal therapy, so don't worry about that. So far it seems to be working.

Glad to hear you're looking ahead. No one else here can get after 'em quite like you can. I'll be watching and meet you back here if that metal therapy fails you in any way.



~lucky

 

[Liar]

My thanks for the sympathies to all of you.

I know about the finding humor in situations like these and often I do resort to a sort of black humor when things are getting too serious. But things like this, it's sort of a betrayal to laugh at it. I know you meant laughing at other things as a distraction and I'll try that as soon as I distract myself from being serious. Yeah, complicated process, I know.

Hmm yeah. You're right about that. There's no humor in things like these. I think I know what you're going through. And the half-mourning of someone who is just half thee, and still moving about. Well, it sucks. My sympathies, for what it's worth.

Now pop in some Maiden and turn it up so loud I can hear it over here.

Godsmack and no AiC? Erm...

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

*hugs Lucifer*

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Hmm yeah. You're right about that. There's no humor in things like these. I think I know what you're going through. And the half-mourning of someone who is just half thee, and still moving about. Well, it sucks. My sympathies, for what it's worth.

Now pop in some Maiden and turn it up so loud I can hear it over here.

Godsmack and no AiC? Erm...

I've got Alice in Chains, but it's too depressing for right now.

P.S. Maiden's "Stranger in a Strange Land" is in right now.

 

[SnoopDog]

I'm really sorry for you, hope you'll feel better soon.

But I also wanted to comment on screaming.
I think it's true that screaming helps.

A couple of years ago I never thought I had screamed out loudly. But then out of frustration and being in a lonely place I decided to just let go and scream out all the pain and suffering....and it really helped.
It's strange at first, but when you can overcome the shyness it's truly a great way to let go.

It may sound funny to some people but just try and yell as loud as you can.

Snoopy

 

[rgraham666]

I'm really sorry for your loss, Lucifer.

But your grandfather isn't gone. As long as you are around and live by the wisdom he's passed on to you, he still lives.

And when you pass his lessons on to someone else, his role in life gets bigger.

So you haven't lost him. As long as you remember, he'll be around.

 

[Guest]

My thanks for the sympathies to all of you.

I know about the finding humor in situations like these and often I do resort to a sort of black humor when things are getting too serious. But things like this, it's sort of a betrayal to laugh at it. I know you meant laughing at other things as a distraction and I'll try that as soon as I distract myself from being serious. Yeah, complicated process, I know.

As far as my deck: Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Anthrax, SoiL, Pantera, Slayer, Black Sabbath, The Misfits, Cradle of Filth, Dio, Van Halen, Dry Kill Logic, Metallica, Megadeth, Fear Factory, Hatebreed, Grim Reaper, Godsmack, Rammstein, Nine Inch Nails, Motorhead, Mushroomhead, Pitchshifter, Diamond Head, Blue Oyster Cult, and Mercyful Fate are the ones currently stacked on the floor. All quality devil music.

Luc -

Very eclectic mix spanning decades. From Van Halen (I do hope with David Lee Roth) and Blue Oyster Cult to Rammstein and Godsmack? Impressive. And perfect.


It's so hard to lose a loved one in this way. If your grandfather could he'd probably tell you he's at peace with how his life has been. He'd tell you not to dwell on the terrible things in his life, and just think of him being together with his wife at long last.


Please know that even though he may not recognize your name, he still knows you. Even through the memory fog he still knows you to be someone who is important to him.


He remembers.

 

[minsue]

I've no words of wisdom to add. I scream along with you regularly, weekly actually, after I visit my grandmother.

I'll simply offer some heartfelt *HUGS* instead.

 

[cheerful_deviant]

Anyway, I've been sucking it up with a series of metal discs on 11 and a few hours of primal screaming.

Hey, my amp goes up to 85, we can offend people in the next zip code. Come on over, I'm puttin AC/DC in now. (AC/DC LIVE, one of my personal favorites).

Seriously, everyone needs a good scream once in a while, let it out. Holding it in will just make you crazy.

 

[Mhari]

It is terrible to watch that slow fading-away of a loved one. I am glad that your grandfather is at least in his own home. (I did understand that correctly, yes?) Eliminating the personal details...it is terrible to be stuck in a hospital during one's last, fading days. I know it's not much of a help, but he is surrounded by familiar things, where loved ones can see him without restriction.

I hope your metal-and-screaming therapy is helping some. Yeah, that screaming stuff sure does work. I was surprised the first time I tried it.

~M

 

[Guest]

Luc, for what it's worth you made your grandfather real to me, and I believe to anyone who reads your post. He will live on through you.

take care, Perdita

 

[Guest]

Lucifer, I have nothing of great substance to add, but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

Take care of yourself.

Lou

 

[shereads]

As far as my deck: Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Anthrax, SoiL, Pantera, Slayer, Black Sabbath, The Misfits, Cradle of Filth, Dio, Van Halen, Dry Kill Logic, Metallica, Megadeth, Fear Factory, Hatebreed, Grim Reaper, Godsmack, Rammstein, Nine Inch Nails, Motorhead, Mushroomhead, Pitchshifter, Diamond Head, Blue Oyster Cult, and Mercyful Fate are the ones currently stacked on the floor. All quality devil music.

Now I'm depressed.

(Van Halen? Are you sure?)

When I need to immerse myself fully in sadness so I can hit bottom and kick off toward the surface, I listen to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon," specifically this cut, which I call "The Birthday Song:"

No one told you when to run
You missed the starting gun...



Seriously: Try Brahms Third Symphony. It contains the necessary therapeutic elements of anger, immeasurable sadness, and redemption. I keep that one at the ready for times when I'm so sad I need to cry and can't. It's 100% guaranteed.

Has anyone ever wondered about the mechanism of tears and laughter and why both things can somehow make us feel better? Why should eliminating some salt water by way of your tear ducts end up making you feel so exhausted that it's actually a relief?

 

[shereads]

Luc, for what it's worth you made your grandfather real to me, and I believe to anyone who reads your post. He will live on through you.

take care, Perdita

Perdita makes a good point, Luc.

Grandchildren seem to validate old people in a way that nothing else can. Your existence would have meant something to him even if you weren't close. Having a grandson who needed him and was grateful for his love, was a gift beyond price. You're proof that he doesn't stop when his body stops.

Now a practical suggestion: If there's some music you know he likes, get a portable CD player and a comfortable headset and be ready to play his music for him. Don't force it on him if he's awake and aware, but offer it.

For my dad it was Pavarotti's "Nessun Dorma." I don't know if he heard it or not, but if he did, he liked it.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Thank you everyone that posted. I'm feeling a bit better today.

A clarification. He's not dead yet, only dying and yes he is at home with my uncle taking care of him 24/7. My mother and me are flying up every couple of months, because we're not sure how much time he does have. Instead of music, he has a selection of movies that he loves and watches and rewatches. We spent much of the weekend watching them with him and taking care of him and waiting for him to recognize us.

Anyway, I really appreciated the cheering ups especially from those that have been down this road before.