Sometimes I feel I am imposter

angelsrose

Experienced
Joined
Mar 25, 2006
Posts
54
The thing is, all I have ever had is vanilla relationships. Yet I desire so much more. have played once or twice at some local clubs, with friends of friends, and enjoyed it soooo... I don't know how to cross the line and get what it is I feel as though I really want. Although the thing is I am not sure what it is I want. I know I am extremely experimental and that I have yet to say no to much, except for group sex/orgies. I am pretty game to try anything, yet I keep meeting these vanilla men who call me "sick" for wanting them to call me a whore, "twisted" because I want to be consumed in humilaition and "fucked in the head" because of my fantasies, that I really do want to enact one day. (rape scenes)

My gilrfriends come to me for ideas on how to spice up their sex life, and I am full of them, and often they share the outcome of the night with me, which is great, but my own sex life continues to suffer.
I can't seem to find a man who will pull my hair and push my limits. Which are so wide open at this point it is almost silly.

Yes I have tried bringing my desires up to the men I date. But more then often they are close minded and can not fufil me sexually. So now I just try to find men that fufill the other ideas I have about what a relationship consists of. Ya know all the vanilla things a girl could want. And I date some amazing men, and am bored within moments. None of them are interested in my sexual ideas.
Yes, some of it has to do with age. I am in my mid twenties, and it seems as though the men that are in my age range and demographic are pretty uptight sexually. Or they won't tie me up and "force me" but they'll tie up the chick they are cheating on me with... (Yes that has happened)
I just don't know what to do. I want the best of both worlds it seems, a relationship seeped in love,trust,compassion,equality, and love....yet I want to be humilated, degraded, pinched, spanked, whipped, "forced", scratched, all the things that make me say "OWWW". I want to beg someone to stop, I want to cry durring, before, after, I want whips and chains, the painful thangs.

I hope someone understands. I don't feel as though I have anywhere else to go with this...

Thank You in advance

angel
 
*HUGS*

Angel,

My idea of BDSM at it's best, combines all of the things you have said above that you want.

I would say that you need to start looking for the kinky kind of guy that you desire and in the same man find one who will treasure you as well.

I suggest you start out with local munches, educational BDSM functions, play parties, online ads and anything else you can think of to find the real deal for YOU. Of course exercise caution in utilizing all of these resources.

Good luck!

If I were in my 20's and aware of what I wanted, I'd think on it as a wonderful opportunity to find just that. The world is wide open to you. :kiss:

Fury :rose:
 
I completely understand what you are saying. When I first started having fantasies of the BDSM sort, and telling my partners about them, I got the same responses you have been getting. I was made to feel that I was a freak, I was told I needed 'help', etc...

I buried my fantasies and desires for many years. Long enough to go through two marraiges, looking back now I realize this was a large part of why those did not last.

What did I do? I read everything I could get my hands on (this was mostly before the advent of the internet). Eventually I got online and read what I could here, from all points of view. I made contacts in chat rooms and on message boards. I asked questions, a lot of questions. I searched deep and found out who I was and what I wanted/needed from a relationship.

Finally, I got the courage to venture out into 'public' and attended my first munch. I met some great people there, people who are still friends now, many years later.

First of all, accept your desires as normal. Do not allow others to tell you that you are a freak, wrong, or need help, etc... If they don't understand, too bad for them. Find friends who do understand who you are and what you desire. Make contacts online and locally. Find out if there is a munch in your area you can attend. Network with others who are involved in the lifestyle.

Read everything you can find so you can find your place in the lifestyle, find out who you are and what you really want. Whatever you do, don't allow others to tell you that you aren't 'real' because you don't want what they do, or the other way around. My kink may not be yours, yours may not be mine, but we are both 'real' and have a place in this wonderful lifestyle.

Before venturing out in the public lifestyle, learn how to be safe. Learn the right questions to ask. Find out what a safe call is and if you need to have one set up. Find out how to seperate the wanna-be's from the real thing. Set some firm limits, you can expand them later if wanted. It's better to start slow than to have a really bad experience right away and be scared (or hurt) for life.

I hope this helps, at least a little.

Good luck, and be well.
 
I so can understand where you are right now.
My answer, which may well not be yours, was to stop going out with vanilla patners.
I only selected from a group allready identifying as wanting to at least have bdsm on the menu. I wanted a lover, who would address my sexual needs. And found that relatively easily. This was to tide me over, until i found 'the one'. But it took a while to find someone i thought credible for me in that department. I was a bit unecessarily picky perhaps. But met someone who agreed that we had similar fantasies we both wanted to share. So agreed to be bdsm fuck buddies.
No longer did i have to feel my personal desire was different. I found someone who shared and understood my 'sickness' as other's had called it. I no longer felt shamed by others.

Turned out the play partner and i were more compatable in more areas than either of us expected.

Then fell in love with him. And visa versa.
 
angelsrose said:
The thing is, all I have ever had is vanilla relationships. Yet I desire so much more. have played once or twice at some local clubs, with friends of friends, and enjoyed it soooo... I don't know how to cross the line and get what it is I feel as though I really want. Although the thing is I am not sure what it is I want. I know I am extremely experimental and that I have yet to say no to much, except for group sex/orgies. I am pretty game to try anything, yet I keep meeting these vanilla men who call me "sick" for wanting them to call me a whore, "twisted" because I want to be consumed in humilaition and "fucked in the head" because of my fantasies, that I really do want to enact one day. (rape scenes)

I totally feel you, though it's hard to believe you can't find a man who wants to call you dirty names and spank you a little bit. Maybe if you're in the midwest or something.
 
So many understand your plight. I was always told it was weird I wanted to tie up my former girlfriends. It takes a lot of trust and the desire to want to experience the lifestyle. A lot of times you find those lacking in one of these two pillars of bdsm. Just this week was surprised that a fellow worker was as they say one of us. As we don't have flashing lights or signs. She and her husband have been into the lifestyle a long while. And even she said she got negative comments from friends. But also said they best wake up as like you said their mistress doesn't have those hangups. The wife I seek for the future will have to be my partner and my lover as well as my fellow explorer in the lifestyle.










angelsrose said:
The thing is, all I have ever had is vanilla relationships. Yet I desire so much more. have played once or twice at some local clubs, with friends of friends, and enjoyed it soooo... I don't know how to cross the line and get what it is I feel as though I really want. Although the thing is I am not sure what it is I want. I know I am extremely experimental and that I have yet to say no to much, except for group sex/orgies. I am pretty game to try anything, yet I keep meeting these vanilla men who call me "sick" for wanting them to call me a whore, "twisted" because I want to be consumed in humilaition and "fucked in the head" because of my fantasies, that I really do want to enact one day. (rape scenes)

My gilrfriends come to me for ideas on how to spice up their sex life, and I am full of them, and often they share the outcome of the night with me, which is great, but my own sex life continues to suffer.
I can't seem to find a man who will pull my hair and push my limits. Which are so wide open at this point it is almost silly.

Yes I have tried bringing my desires up to the men I date. But more then often they are close minded and can not fufil me sexually. So now I just try to find men that fufill the other ideas I have about what a relationship consists of. Ya know all the vanilla things a girl could want. And I date some amazing men, and am bored within moments. None of them are interested in my sexual ideas.
Yes, some of it has to do with age. I am in my mid twenties, and it seems as though the men that are in my age range and demographic are pretty uptight sexually. Or they won't tie me up and "force me" but they'll tie up the chick they are cheating on me with... (Yes that has happened)
I just don't know what to do. I want the best of both worlds it seems, a relationship seeped in love,trust,compassion,equality, and love....yet I want to be humilated, degraded, pinched, spanked, whipped, "forced", scratched, all the things that make me say "OWWW". I want to beg someone to stop, I want to cry durring, before, after, I want whips and chains, the painful thangs.

I hope someone understands. I don't feel as though I have anywhere else to go with this...

Thank You in advance

angel
 
Angel,

You have my greatest sympathy. I don't know if I can offer anything that will truly be helpful to you. You've already received some wonderful insight from other posters, and I am sure you will continue to do so.

I can try to offer some male persepctive and hope that it might help.

My wife and I have recently been getting into things almost exactly as you describe after being together many years. She wasn't quite aware of her wants and desires as early as you seem to be. They were sort of there, but they weren't a "big thing". She's only recently realized certain things and even in an atmosphere of deep trust, it was very difficult for her to reveal these things to me. It may have been more difficult since, in many ways, she had more to lose if I had reacted poorly.

We've talked about this and the question came up about how I would have reacted if she had wanted these things early on in our relationship when we were in our early/mid 20's.

Many, if not ost, guys in their mid-20's have likely had a succesion of relationships with women who they feel were less than perfectly emotinally stable. It isn't the norm, to be sure, but there are enough women out there with emotional issues, or who are just plain emotionally immature that it isn't uncommon.

I'm not saying that all women are crazy. However, there ar enough young women out there who act a little crazy at some point in their early realtionships that guys can become a little hypersensitive. (and to be fair, there are plenty of guys who have more than thier share of issues, as well, causing some women with bad expereinces in the past to be wary of certain things in men)

At any rate, if a woman I was in a possibly serious relationship with had disclosed some fairly extreme fantasies and desires such as you mention, and I wasn't familiar with them... then I could very easily see that I would have had a knee jerk reaction worrying that I had found another "crazy chick".

I'm not saying it is right, or that it is accurate. I'm just saying that it may be what is going through some 20-something guy's head.

Also, I think what you are describing requires a fairly significant amount of mental and emotional maturity on the part of the guy. Many young men may not be able to demonstrate the amount of self-awareness, or self-control that is required.

I might suggest waiting for awhile in your rellationships to disclose your wants and needs. Don't do the "floodgate" thing. Be patient and let it trickle out at a moderate pace. Try to ease into it slowly as the foundation of love, respect, trust, compassion, and respect are becoming well established. Those are the foundations that support everything else. Be prepard to explain things and truly educate them, dealing with their possible fears and concerns.
 
Patience

I think finding the right partner is never an easy quest, whatever type of relationship someone is looking for. Searching for D/S probably makes it more difficult because so many people are not into that...

Too bad there isn't a D/S island somewhere to meet people in this lifestyle... Would make everything so simple!!! :D
 
Mr. Mann said:
Angel,



Many, if not ost, guys in their mid-20's have likely had a succesion of relationships with women who they feel were less than perfectly emotinally stable. It isn't the norm, to be sure, but there are enough women out there with emotional issues, or who are just plain emotionally immature that it isn't uncommon.

At any rate, if a woman I was in a possibly serious relationship with had disclosed some fairly extreme fantasies and desires such as you mention, and I wasn't familiar with them... then I could very easily see that I would have had a knee jerk reaction worrying that I had found another "crazy chick".

I'm not saying it is right, or that it is accurate. I'm just saying that it may be what is going through some 20-something guy's head.


I might suggest waiting for awhile in your rellationships to disclose your wants and needs. Don't do the "floodgate" thing. Be patient and let it trickle out at a moderate pace. Try to ease into it slowly as the foundation of love, respect, trust, compassion, and respect are becoming well established. Those are the foundations that support everything else. Be prepard to explain things and truly educate them, dealing with their possible fears and concerns.


See the thing is I wait, generally until the "accidentally" pull my har durring sex, or when we "play wrestle" and you can tell it turns me on...I don't start with the extreme stuff... I more just begin with I like it when you pinch my nipple hard... Or I enjoy being told what to do.... What man in his right mnd wouldn't tell the giel he is sleeoing with to suck his cock... and then grab her hair while filling her mouth...K..lets see... hmmm one out of the men I have been with. Mind you I am not saying that I have been with many partners, it is that fear as well that keeps in this vanilla land I live in.
Not everything I fantasize is violent(I know this really isn't the right word) in nature, a lot of it has to do with D/s, Top/bottom, M/s...just the idea of being submissive turns me on.

Speaking of, what is the difference between those... I have done some reading but it is not clearly defined.
Top/bottom
Dom/sub
Master/slave
Are their differences in these relationships? Mental, emotion, phsyical? Aspects that make each type of relationship a different category?

Oh and I was lucky as a child...My mom and I were open abput sex, and I know for a fact that she has had a D/s type relationship. I don't feel so comfotable talking about it to her, and that relationship was a very bad one for her.... When I was 16 though I found her "Claiming of Sleeping beauty". I sat and read it, then I got the story of O, and I have read some other interesting books as well. I have been reading the stories on this site since I was 18. I still do a few years later. I have read screw the roses and send me the thorns, Loving Dominant 101, and I think something else....

I really appreciate all the great points that are bing made and the willingness to help me. I am scared of that part of me. That is also part truth. I am afraid that once that part of me is realized fully, I won't ever have a normal relationship, and I know psychologically that is not the truth. And the thing is, I get that, I get that I am afraid, and feel alone with this, even when I know I am not.

Thank You All. Everything you say is being heard.
 
angelsrose said:
The thing is, all I have ever had is vanilla relationships. Yet I desire so much more. have played once or twice at some local clubs, with friends of friends, and enjoyed it soooo... I don't know how to cross the line and get what it is I feel as though I really want. Although the thing is I am not sure what it is I want. I know I am extremely experimental and that I have yet to say no to much, except for group sex/orgies. I am pretty game to try anything, yet I keep meeting these vanilla men who call me "sick" for wanting them to call me a whore, "twisted" because I want to be consumed in humilaition and "fucked in the head" because of my fantasies, that I really do want to enact one day. (rape scenes)

My gilrfriends come to me for ideas on how to spice up their sex life, and I am full of them, and often they share the outcome of the night with me, which is great, but my own sex life continues to suffer.
I can't seem to find a man who will pull my hair and push my limits. Which are so wide open at this point it is almost silly.

Yes I have tried bringing my desires up to the men I date. But more then often they are close minded and can not fufil me sexually. So now I just try to find men that fufill the other ideas I have about what a relationship consists of. Ya know all the vanilla things a girl could want. And I date some amazing men, and am bored within moments. None of them are interested in my sexual ideas.
Yes, some of it has to do with age. I am in my mid twenties, and it seems as though the men that are in my age range and demographic are pretty uptight sexually. Or they won't tie me up and "force me" but they'll tie up the chick they are cheating on me with... (Yes that has happened)
I just don't know what to do. I want the best of both worlds it seems, a relationship seeped in love,trust,compassion,equality, and love....yet I want to be humilated, degraded, pinched, spanked, whipped, "forced", scratched, all the things that make me say "OWWW". I want to beg someone to stop, I want to cry durring, before, after, I want whips and chains, the painful thangs.

I hope someone understands. I don't feel as though I have anywhere else to go with this...

Thank You in advance

angel

It's a struggle, no doubt.

One thing I will say is that your eye for picking up kinksters may grow sharper with time. I am pretty damn good at it, although I still fuck up every once in a while (false positives as well as false negatives). However, I think trying a website like Collarme might offer you a good start, at least get you to a point where you have talked about your desires enough that they don't seem quite as scary anymore.

I promise you there are kinky people where you are, all around you.
 
Mr. Mann said:
Angel,

You have my greatest sympathy. I don't know if I can offer anything that will truly be helpful to you. You've already received some wonderful insight from other posters, and I am sure you will continue to do so.

I can try to offer some male persepctive and hope that it might help.

My wife and I have recently been getting into things almost exactly as you describe after being together many years. She wasn't quite aware of her wants and desires as early as you seem to be. They were sort of there, but they weren't a "big thing". She's only recently realized certain things and even in an atmosphere of deep trust, it was very difficult for her to reveal these things to me. It may have been more difficult since, in many ways, she had more to lose if I had reacted poorly.

We've talked about this and the question came up about how I would have reacted if she had wanted these things early on in our relationship when we were in our early/mid 20's.

Many, if not ost, guys in their mid-20's have likely had a succesion of relationships with women who they feel were less than perfectly emotinally stable. It isn't the norm, to be sure, but there are enough women out there with emotional issues, or who are just plain emotionally immature that it isn't uncommon.

I'm not saying that all women are crazy. However, there ar enough young women out there who act a little crazy at some point in their early realtionships that guys can become a little hypersensitive. (and to be fair, there are plenty of guys who have more than thier share of issues, as well, causing some women with bad expereinces in the past to be wary of certain things in men)

At any rate, if a woman I was in a possibly serious relationship with had disclosed some fairly extreme fantasies and desires such as you mention, and I wasn't familiar with them... then I could very easily see that I would have had a knee jerk reaction worrying that I had found another "crazy chick".

I'm not saying it is right, or that it is accurate. I'm just saying that it may be what is going through some 20-something guy's head.

Also, I think what you are describing requires a fairly significant amount of mental and emotional maturity on the part of the guy. Many young men may not be able to demonstrate the amount of self-awareness, or self-control that is required.

I might suggest waiting for awhile in your rellationships to disclose your wants and needs. Don't do the "floodgate" thing. Be patient and let it trickle out at a moderate pace. Try to ease into it slowly as the foundation of love, respect, trust, compassion, and respect are becoming well established. Those are the foundations that support everything else. Be prepard to explain things and truly educate them, dealing with their possible fears and concerns.

Excellent post, with a lot of honest perspective offered.

I've seen some of your other stuff, not much I'm afraid, and I want to extend my welcome and hopes that you'll stick around. We're always shy on the XY's this side of town, which you wouldnt think would be a bad thing, but the ladies pester the few of us mercilessly. Another cool head to help take the heat is always appreciated.

Most of all I have to insist you watch out for the Sinslurly_Helene girl, she's wicked as a witch and twice as smart.
 
angelsrose said:
See the thing is I wait, generally until the "accidentally" pull my har durring sex, or when we "play wrestle" and you can tell it turns me on...I don't start with the extreme stuff... I more just begin with I like it when you pinch my nipple hard... Or I enjoy being told what to do.... What man in his right mnd wouldn't tell the giel he is sleeoing with to suck his cock... and then grab her hair while filling her mouth...K..lets see... hmmm one out of the men I have been with. Mind you I am not saying that I have been with many partners, it is that fear as well that keeps in this vanilla land I live in.
Not everything I fantasize is violent(I know this really isn't the right word) in nature, a lot of it has to do with D/s, Top/bottom, M/s...just the idea of being submissive turns me on.

Speaking of, what is the difference between those... I have done some reading but it is not clearly defined.
Top/bottom
Dom/sub
Master/slave
Are their differences in these relationships? Mental, emotion, phsyical? Aspects that make each type of relationship a different category?

Oh and I was lucky as a child...My mom and I were open abput sex, and I know for a fact that she has had a D/s type relationship. I don't feel so comfotable talking about it to her, and that relationship was a very bad one for her.... When I was 16 though I found her "Claiming of Sleeping beauty". I sat and read it, then I got the story of O, and I have read some other interesting books as well. I have been reading the stories on this site since I was 18. I still do a few years later. I have read screw the roses and send me the thorns, Loving Dominant 101, and I think something else....

I really appreciate all the great points that are bing made and the willingness to help me. I am scared of that part of me. That is also part truth. I am afraid that once that part of me is realized fully, I won't ever have a normal relationship, and I know psychologically that is not the truth. And the thing is, I get that, I get that I am afraid, and feel alone with this, even when I know I am not.

Thank You All. Everything you say is being heard.


Well, you may be doing just about all you can, then. That doesn't mean things will always go the way you want, though.

Much like Marquis said, finding someone is difficult at best, and it can become more of a challenge when you are also looking for some very specific BDSM type of compatability.

As to what kind of guy wouldn't want to, everyone is different and it may not be that person's taste. Even if the guy had some of those urges, fantasies, etc... after years of femifascist endoctrination that such thngs are wrong and shamefull even if they are consensual... it can be alot for a guy to get his head around.

The thngs you describe are also dealing with some pretty hefty psychological and emotional issues. I know for me that part of my reluctance is a respectful fear of what I could be unleashing. I have to head into things ready to stay aware and ready to make the effort to keep things in control.

AS far as the issues regarding D/s, Top/bottom, M/s, etc.... I've leave that to you to figure out what is best for you and your path. While these terms have some general meaning that is agreed upon bewteen most folks in BDSM, each person also has thier own life to live. On one hand, it is tempting to search these things out in an effort to understand and find a language in which to communicate your ideas... but in the end, at least I have found, what you want and need and call a certain thing may be very difficult from what someone else wants and needs, yet calls the same thing.

Also... just as Marquis said, you aren't alone. You are surronded by people who are being discrete in thier own particular perversions.

I sympathize with your current challenges, but I also feel you are very lucky. You know what you want and need and thought it may be difficult, you can search to have those wants and needs met. Many people never fully realize it until they are in a comitted relatioship with someone who can't/won't fulfill their more particular sexual predlicictions... and they go many years wanting, and longing, yet never being fulfilled. I see a happier future for you.

You are also very welcome, here!
 
Marquis said:
Excellent post, with a lot of honest perspective offered.

I've seen some of your other stuff, not much I'm afraid, and I want to extend my welcome and hopes that you'll stick around. We're always shy on the XY's this side of town, which you wouldnt think would be a bad thing, but the ladies pester the few of us mercilessly. Another cool head to help take the heat is always appreciated.

Most of all I have to insist you watch out for the Sinslurly_Helene girl, she's wicked as a witch and twice as smart.

Thank you for your kind welcome.

I've enjoyed many of your posts and your perspective.

I lurked and searched for some time and found the information here to be very helpful. I thought it was time to seek some more help by posting. Everyone has been very warm and welcoming to me. I hope I can also provide some worthwhile contribution to the forum in the same generous spirit.

"Sinslurly_Helene" is wicked and smart, eh? I usually like that combination very much... but I'll make sure to stay far enough away to keep all my fingers and toes. ;) :D

There are many strong, spirited women here. I like that.

There's something about wild horses running unbridled and free.
 
I still highly recommend to not bother with vanilla's. Its like pushing a snowball uphill in 35 degree heat, even if you get there, so little let at the top, its not worth it. Whereas playing with a like minded soul, well, its so much more multifaceted and fun on so many levels, you'll kick yourself for wasting time, perhaps, or is that just me lol.

Im dubious as to how much of a submissive experience you can enjoy, whilst your coaching the person topping you. Its very frutstrating. Perhaps even non consentual, as without knowlege of what they are consenting to, they cant really consent.
BDSM can trigger some very intense thoughts and feelings. The emotions it may bring to the surface for both of you, what are you going to do them? When neither of you are equipped to deal with these? When neither of you understand what's happening.
My last ever play session with a male, where i was having to 'instruct' the vanilla partner, was tiresome for me, and after ejeculating several times, he screamed abuse. Id hate you to find yourself in a similar situation. To be called a pervert, a feak, sick etc is one thing, an abuser was the last insult i took. But in hindsight, i had been asking for it, playing in this fashion.

Your a woman, youve a pair of tits, a ass and a pussy, lets face it, your never gonna have to celibate in life unless you chose to. So choose wisely. Give wisely, take even wiser.

oh and the difference between a top and a Dominant? There are a hundred and one answers to this. If you enjoy being dominated outside of the bedroom, generally, a top does not provide this. Its play scene only. And there's a lot to be said for that ;)
So have a think and a read about stuff.
If you view your journey through bdsm as a continuum <-----------------------> start at one end, and see how far you wish to go. Which is impossible to know as its partner specific. One of the things you will be pushed into doing, is labelling yourself, so that other's have some perception of what you are. Tell em to go fuck themselves whilst you find out yourself. Never say never, coz that bites you on the ass often.

And my personal perspective, get off the computer, and start meeting people in real life. Just to learn, dip your toes when you feel your secure enough in your knowledge to do so. Most of all, have fun and be safe.

pandoravampire, a collared submissive
 
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