Sometime ya just gotta laugh

[LRC]

Thar She Blows

A male and female whale went for a summer swim one day. The male whale looked up and saw the whaling ship that had killed his father five years before.

Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Lets go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes.' 'That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales."

The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats.

Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore.' 'Lets gobble them up!"

Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative, "Look,' she says, 'I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing SEAMEN!"

 

[LRC]

Chicken or Egg?

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a
cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no one in particular,

"Well, I guess we answered THAT question...!"

 

[LRC]

Ok Last one before I gotta get my butt outta here

No Morals!

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes
to a riverbank with a big bag of cat food beside it.

Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes his mouth water.

Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is
hungrily eyeing the cat food on his side.

The rooster says, "You know, I think if we run
and jump high enough we should be able to make
it to the other side of this water."

The cat responds
"OK, let's give it a try."

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes
a run for it and jumps as high as he can.

He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to
the bag and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads
back about 20 feet and makes a run for it.

He jumps, and...

SPLASH!

He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied cock,
there is a wet pussy!

 

[lovetoread]

Full of Wool

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

<This is as close to an animal joke I have found so far.>

 

[lovetoread]

Penguin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer's day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it. The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth - a total mess. He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you find out what is wrong with my car?" The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal." "No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream, I swear!!!"

 

[lovetoread]

Chicken

Why did the chicken lay the egg?


Because everyone else was taken

 

[sexy-girl]

blame lisa for this pic

she emailed it to me

 

[LukkyKnight]

bravo

Wonderful jokes, ladies, just the tonic my day needed!

"...looks like you've blown a seal..." I love it!

 

[LRC]

Good ones LTR

Yikes, SexyGirl! Gives new meaning to .... you don't know where those fingers have been!

One more before hit the hay.

A Bad Day for A Farmer

A farmer is in the local bar getting drunk. After a few pints the barman asks
"Why are you here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
"Well if you must know" the farmer replies" I was milking my cow and just as the I got the bucket full she took her left leg and kicked it over"
"Whats the big deal?" said the barman
"Well I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as the bucket was about full she took her right leg and kicked it over"
"So what did you do then?" asked the barman.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. Then I sat back down and continued to milk her. Then just as I had got the bucket about full the stupid cow knocked the bucket over with her tail."
"So then what did you do?" asked the barman.
"Well I didn't have any rope left so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. And then my trousers fell down just as my wife walked in....."

 

[LRC]

Good Morning

Blinking Employee

One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.

"I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second"


So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.


The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!"


The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking"

 

[Guest]

 

[lovetoread]

The Prize Winning Schnauzer

A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn't come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn't heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn't looking and she called him, he acted like he didn't hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical. He told the lady, "There's nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can't hear you, but he isn't deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven't got any in stock, but you can get some 'Neet' or 'Nair' at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will."

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

"How do I apply this product," she asked. "Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?"

The druggist said, "For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water."

She said, "I don't think that you understand. It's for my schnauzer."

"Oh," said the druggist. "In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn't ride a bicycle for a few days."


<Morning all>

 

[sizzlingreekgal]

Ohhhhhhhhhh I love the little boy licking his finger!!!!! How cute!!

 

[lovetoread]

What goes through a cat's mind

Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the
night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

 

[lovetoread]

Once upon a time there was a non conforming sparrow who decided
not to fly south for the winter.
However, soon the weather turned so cold that he
reluctantly decided to fly south.
In a short time ice began to form on his wings and
he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid.
A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.
The sparrow thought it was the end,
but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and heard the chirping.
The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird,
and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap,
you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

 

[BlkPnthr]

Re: What goes through a cat's mind

Monday - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the satisfaction from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Tuesday - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to throw up on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

Wednesday - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the
night.

Thursday - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

Friday - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Saturday - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Sunday - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

I saw that somewhere in an email before. Was titled "Exceprts from a cats Diary"

 

[Jacqline]

Re: Full of Wool

A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

<This is as close to an animal joke I have found so far.>

Very cute joke........I burst out laughing!

Jacqline

 

[lovetoread]

Re: Re: What goes through a cat's mind

I saw that somewhere in an email before. Was titled "Exceprts from a cats Diary"

The page I got it from had it titled as I posted. It was a place that collected them from emails.

 

[alltherage]

Lmao. Tytytytytyt.

Three old men die and go to heaven on the same day at the same time and arrive at the pearly gates together. There they are greeted by Saint Peter. They are frightened and worried but Peter says, "dont worry, you all got in. I do have to ask you a question though to determine what kind of car you'll be assighed here in heaven."

The men are relieved. Peter turns to the first man and asks how many times he cheated on his wife.

John, the first man, hesitates, but with encouragement responds,"ok ok, I can't lie. !5 times." He see's Peter's frown and adds,"but she never found out and I don't think I hurt her.

Peter says," Thats not a good answer, but your in, unfortunately you get the Pinto.

Peter asks the next man. Henry explains that in the first year of his marriage he cheated but he confessed and through hard work he and his wife succeeded in having 40 years of happy marriage.

Peter smiles and gives the man a Lincoln for having been honest with his wife.

He asks the third man. "I never ever cheated on my wife, he says, I was married to the most wonderful woman in the world for 65 years and she was my whole life.

Peter jumps up all smiles and gives the man the keys to a Rolls.

A few days pass and the first two men see the third on the side of the road crying. They stop and ask, "whats wrong, you were the best of us. What could possibly be wrong."

"I just saw my wife," the man replies miserably.

The other men congradulate the third on being reunited with his wife.

The man wails, " you don't understand. She was driving a skateboard."

 

[tnguy04]

working stiff

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something which she could help the gentleman with.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female
pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses"

 

[tnguy04]

Nookie Green

"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the priest thinks. Then, he tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest has to ask, "Who is Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's." The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie Green? The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon, when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest. Her dress is green and way too short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and alter boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress, sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the alter boy and asks, "Is that Nookie Green?"
The alter boy's eyes are popping out of his head, as he replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes!"

 

[tnguy04]

doctors

what is the difference between a urologistand a hematologist?

one of them pricks your finger.


What is the difference between humor and odor?

humor is a shift of wit.

 

[lovetoread]

A very tired husband came home from the office after a long grueling day to find his wife in her sexiest nightgown waiting for him at the door with a couple of glasses of wine in hand.
She took his briefcase from him and led him over to the couch where she proceeded to help make him "more comfortable."

"How should we do it tonight, honey?" she cooed in his ear, "Shall we do 69?"

"I don't think so dear. I'm pretty tired. How about 68?" he said.

"Huh, 68? What's 68?" she asked, a little puzzled.

"You do me, and I'll owe you one."