Something Im working On (suggestions?)

[_Land]

CONTAINED

My own hands design, these walls
two feet wide by one hundred feet tall
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out of non-existent windows
on all four sides. I can see out
but in, you cannot

Anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment
each block laid carefully, cemented
by lingering memories, festering sores
impenetrable, holding me in
and you, keeping out

Imprisoned, by my personal choice
tasting the sorrow, spitting out joy
forgiveness denied, freedom refused
protection found in my turret of rage

Escape, who really does?
Is it you? Escaping the tormenting
hell of my inner being.

Is it I? Escaping more sorrow,
frustration, and harmful rejection

Or is it just my insanity contained?

 

[Elda Furry]

CONTAINED

My own hands design, these walls
two feet wide by one hundred feet tall
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out of non-existent windows
on all four sides. I can see out
but in, you cannot

Anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment
each block laid carefully, cemented
by lingering memories, festering sores
impenetrable, holding me in
and you, keeping out

Imprisoned, by my personal choice
tasting the sorrow, spitting out joy
forgiveness denied, freedom refused
protection found in my turret of rage

Escape, who really does?
Is it you? Escaping the tormenting
hell of my inner being.

Is it I? Escaping more sorrow,
frustration, and harmful rejection

Or is it just my insanity contained?

I like it. Though, strophe one was a bit confusing the way it was worded. I'd leave the first comma out and change the order of the last line.

My own hands design these walls
two feet wide by one hundred feet tall.
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out of non-existent windows
on all four sides. I can see out
but you cannot see in.

 

[JUDO]

CONTAINED

My own hands design, these walls
two feet wide by one hundred feet tall
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out of non-existent windows
on all four sides. I can see out
but in, you cannot

Anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment
each block laid carefully, cemented
by lingering memories, festering sores
impenetrable, holding me in
and you, keeping out

Imprisoned, by my personal choice
tasting the sorrow, spitting out joy
forgiveness denied, freedom refused
protection found in my turret of rage

Escape, who really does?
Is it you? Escaping the tormenting
hell of my inner being.

Is it I? Escaping more sorrow,
frustration, and harmful rejection

Or is it just my insanity contained?

_L, these would be my changes and why.

1st stanza - much of your action had been described in past tense, but for the opening line; so, I just moved that. Added the dashes to connect the description of the third line. Changed the description to be less limited, more descriptive (why just a hundred feet?) I didn't think that "non-existant windows" added much to your later lines of seeing out, but not in, so, they are deleted. And just added a bit of punctuation.

My own hands designed these walls --
Two-feet by two-feet to the sky.
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out on all four sides,
I can see out, but in, you cannot.

---------------------------------------------------

2nd stanza - Capitalized the beginning of every line --I don't think you were consistent there, so I just made a choice. Added a little punctuation and reformatted some of the lines, so that complete thoughts were on each line. The device of putting thoughts overlapping to other lines is a good one, if you are trying to portray the speaker as being confused, dizzy, etc. But this didn't really occur elsewhere in the poem, so it's taken out here. I lef the "and" off the last line, so that the ending of this stanza more paralled the grammar of the first stanza's ending.

Anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment,
Each block laid carefully,
Cemented by lingering memories, festering sores...
Impenetrable, holding me in
You, keeping out

---------------------------------------------------
3rd & stanza to the end - Changed some punctuation again for flow and thought connection as always. I used "by" preposition rather than "in" because I think of a turret of a tank (a weapon) that guards the box.

Imprisoned by my personal choice
Tasting the sorrow. Spitting out joy.
Forgiveness denied. Freedom refused.
Protection found by my turret of rage.

Escape, who really does?
Is it you... Escaping the tormenting
hell of my inner being?

Is it I... Escaping more sorrow,
Frustration, and harmful rejection?

Or is it just my insanity contained?

---------------------------------------------------
Also, the title "Contained." A simple title, but your poem deals with the barriers one surrounds themselves with when fighting their own inner demons and fightful emotions that seperate them from those they care about. In that light "Contained" seems a little too pat. Maybe something more mythic "The Box of Damocles" or something more emotional "The Fury of Hidden Mistakes." Anyway, you get my drift.

Nice poem. This is what I would change. Let me know if this is not clear.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

Re: Re: Something Im working On (suggestions?)

Thanks for the suggestions, Elda, Judo........some very good things to think about..... _Land

_L, these would be my changes and why.

1st stanza - much of your action had been described in past tense, but for the opening line; so, I just moved that. Added the dashes to connect the description of the third line. Changed the description to be less limited, more descriptive (why just a hundred feet?) I didn't think that "non-existant windows" added much to your later lines of seeing out, but not in, so, they are deleted. And just added a bit of punctuation.

My own hands designed these walls --
Two-feet by two-feet to the sky.
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out on all four sides,
I can see out, but in, you cannot.

---------------------------------------------------

2nd stanza - Capitalized the beginning of every line --I don't think you were consistent there, so I just made a choice. Added a little punctuation and reformatted some of the lines, so that complete thoughts were on each line. The device of putting thoughts overlapping to other lines is a good one, if you are trying to portray the speaker as being confused, dizzy, etc. But this didn't really occur elsewhere in the poem, so it's taken out here. I lef the "and" off the last line, so that the ending of this stanza more paralled the grammar of the first stanza's ending.

Anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment,
Each block laid carefully,
Cemented by lingering memories, festering sores...
Impenetrable, holding me in
You, keeping out

---------------------------------------------------
3rd & stanza to the end - Changed some punctuation again for flow and thought connection as always. I used "by" preposition rather than "in" because I think of a turret of a tank (a weapon) that guards the box.

Imprisoned by my personal choice
Tasting the sorrow. Spitting out joy.
Forgiveness denied. Freedom refused.
Protection found by my turret of rage.

Escape, who really does?
Is it you... Escaping the tormenting
hell of my inner being?

Is it I... Escaping more sorrow,
Frustration, and harmful rejection?

Or is it just my insanity contained?

---------------------------------------------------
Also, the title "Contained." A simple title, but your poem deals with the barriers one surrounds themselves with when fighting their own inner demons and fightful emotions that seperate them from those they care about. In that light "Contained" seems a little too pat. Maybe something more mythic "The Box of Damocles" or something more emotional "The Fury of Hidden Mistakes." Anyway, you get my drift.

Nice poem. This is what I would change. Let me know if this is not clear.


- Judo

 

[_Land]

Revised version(THANKS JUDO, ELDA)

My own hands designed these walls --
Two-feet by two-feet to the sky.
I am claustrophobic, and I am not.
Peering out, all four sides,
I see out, but in, you cannot.

Resentment,
Each block laid carefully,
Cemented by lingering memories.
Impenetrable, holding me in
You, keeping out

Imprisoned by personal choice
Tasting sorrow. Spitting out joy.
Forgiveness denied. Freedom refused.
Protection found, my turret of rage.

Escape, who really does?
Is it you... Escaping the tormenting
hell of my inner being?

Is it I... Escaping more sorrow,
Frustration, and harmful rejection?

Or is it just my insanity contained?

 

[JUDO]

_L -

I liked it with the list of emotions at the beginning of the 2nd stanza. You lost them.
Why?


- Judo

 

[_Land]

I felt that resentment was a package made of the previous three.
I felt that perhaps it was to wordy, to common listing emotions.
What do you think?

_L -

I liked it with the list of emotions at the beginning of the 2nd stanza. You lost them.
Why?


- Judo

 

[smilingblues]

.

 

[JUDO]

I felt that resentment was a package made of the previous three.
I felt that perhaps it was to wordy, to common listing emotions.
What do you think?

Didn't bother me in that way. Listing all of your emotions (and maybe they do lend themselves to resentment) makes the following statement that begins with "Each one..." more clear.

If you decide to lose the list and stay with "Resentment," then you will need to change the following line as well. Right now, you are referring to "Each one" of "Resentment."

I like the list. Makes for many bricks and a house built.


- Judo

 

[Rybka]

I felt that resentment was a package made of the previous three.
I felt that perhaps it was to wordy, to common listing emotions.
What do you think?

Originally:

Anger, bitterness, pain, and resentment,
Each block laid carefully,

"resentment" may be a package, but it is wrapped and sealed. Besides, I like the list also. Why not just lose "resentment"?

Too bad you can't say:
"Anger, bitterness, pain
Each block carefully lain"


Regards,                       Rybka