Something I wrote

[maria40]

I'll go on.....

Here is a little Drabble that I wrote a while ago. Please tell me what you think.

I wasn't sure where to post this.


I’ ll always remember your face and your cold eyes, those eyes will be with me

always in my heart. I’ll remember those nights we had together alone in bed and

in each others arms. those was the happiest times I ever had with you. It's been

so long since I felt the touch of your body, those strong arms wrapped around me

in a lovers embrace. our sweaty bodies gliding together. me telling you how much

I LOVE YOU! at that moment, and you holding me tight letting me know that you

felt the same way. These are my memories i have of you now . As I look at the

sky at night and think of the short time we had with each other. I miss you so

much. there will never be another for me. my heart will always be with you

forever. Did you know that I loved you with all my heart, I only wish I had the

chance again to tell you and show you just once more. But I’ll remember and with that

I’ll go on.....

 

[EroticOrogeny]

Here is a little Drabble that I wrote a while ago. Please tell me what you think.

I wasn't sure where to post this.


I’ ll always remember your face and your cold eyes, those eyes will be with me

always in my heart. I’ll remember those nights we had together alone in bed and

in each others arms. those was the happiest times I ever had with you. It's been

so long since I felt the touch of your body, those strong arms wrapped around me

in a lovers embrace. our sweaty bodies gliding together. me telling you how much

I LOVE YOU! at that moment, and you holding me tight letting me know that you

felt the same way. These are my memories i have of you now . As I look at the

sky at night and think of the short time we had with each other. I miss you so

much. there will never be another for me. my heart will always be with you

forever. Did you know that I loved you with all my heart, I only wish I had the

chance again to tell you and show you just once more. But I’ll remember and with that

I’ll go on.....

TO me, it looks more like a love letter, than a poem. I hope you've shared it with your past lover.
A question - why are his eyes cold? That's usually not a very complimentary viewpoint.

 

[cutestguy]

Indeed, it looks like a love letter. I think you can still make it as a poem by restructuring it a bit into paired group of lines. Let me know if i can help you.

 

[maria40]

Well to tell you the truth about this "love letter"/poem or so. I was into an anime back in 2005. it was called Dragon BallZ and the story is about one of the couples of that anime which was Vegeta and Bulma. If anyone had followed it they knew that Vegeta had cold eyes no matter what he did. I hope that clears up so of the question about this Drabble.

In 2007 is when i started to see cold eyes from my ex husband. So now this Drabble means something to me other than a anime story.

 

[cutestguy]

That may be valid from your perspective and that can be termed as Poetic Justice. And more than that, it can be a message from you to your lover - but since it lacks a rhythm, it would look like a love letter. So if you can arrange it appropriately, it would have been a better poem.

 

[maria40]

That may be valid from your perspective and that can be termed as Poetic Justice. And more than that, it can be a message from you to your lover - but since it lacks a rhythm, it would look like a love letter. So if you can arrange it appropriately, it would have been a better poem.

Not sure if i can. I don't know how. you're more the welcome to make it into a poem.

 

[cutestguy]

Look, im not a great writer as these guys here...there are several very good writers here and they helps me in a wonderful way. And i take this as a challenge to put your poem into something which would look like a poem. And you can PM me if there is anything you cant share here - but people here are very good and helpful. So i will try to fix this one.

 

[cutestguy]

Here is a little Drabble that I wrote a while ago. Please tell me what you think.

I wasn't sure where to post this.


I’ ll always remember your face and your cold eyes, those eyes will be with me

always in my heart. I’ll remember those nights we had together alone in bed and

in each others arms. those was the happiest times I ever had with you. It's been

so long since I felt the touch of your body, those strong arms wrapped around me

in a lovers embrace. our sweaty bodies gliding together. me telling you how much

I LOVE YOU! at that moment, and you holding me tight letting me know that you

felt the same way. These are my memories i have of you now . As I look at the

sky at night and think of the short time we had with each other. I miss you so

much. there will never be another for me. my heart will always be with you

forever. Did you know that I loved you with all my heart, I only wish I had the

chance again to tell you and show you just once more. But I’ll remember and with that

I’ll go on.....

Maria, i just restructured and made minor adjustments to your poem since you have given me the permission to do so. I hope you may like it and if you dont, please let me know.

Life without you.

I’ ll always remember your face and your cold eye
Those eyes will be with me, in my heart, always.
I’ll remember those nights we had been together
Together in bed,in each others arms,always,forever.

Those were the happiest times I have ever had with you
It's been so long since I felt your touch, i miss you.
Those strong arms wrapped around me in a lovers embrace
And our sweaty bodies gliding together, we were in trance.

I was telling you how much I LOVE YOU! those moments
And you holding me tight letting me know how you felt.
These are my memories i have, about you my love
I cant forget anything we shared, anyhow.

As I look at the sky every night and think
Of the short time we had with each other, i still dream.
I miss you so much, and i know this wont happen again
But my heart will always be with you forever, even if it pains.

Did you know that I loved you with all my heart,my darl
I only wish I had the chance again to tell you this, alas.
I wish to show you just once more, how much i yearned for you
But I’ll still remember this and live my life for you.

 

[maria40]

Maria, i just restructured and made minor adjustments to your poem since you have given me the permission to do so. I hope you may like it and if you dont, please let me know.

Life without you.

I’ ll always remember your face and your cold eye
Those eyes will be with me, in my heart, always.
I’ll remember those nights we had been together
Together in bed,in each others arms,always,forever.

Those were the happiest times I have ever had with you
It's been so long since I felt your touch, i miss you.
Those strong arms wrapped around me in a lovers embrace
And our sweaty bodies gliding together, we were in trance.

I was telling you how much I LOVE YOU! those moments
And you holding me tight letting me know how you felt.
These are my memories i have, about you my love
I cant forget anything we shared, anyhow.

As I look at the sky every night and think
Of the short time we had with each other, i still dream.
I miss you so much, and i know this wont happen again
But my heart will always be with you forever, even if it pains.

Did you know that I loved you with all my heart,my darl
I only wish I had the chance again to tell you this, alas.
I wish to show you just once more, how much i yearned for you
But I’ll still remember this and live my life for you.

I LOVE IT

Thank you!!

 

[cutestguy]

Aahh..thanks and glad to know eventhough im still not happy with my effort. Maybe other writers from here can provide us more meaningful feedback - even im a starter. Also, hope this would be useful for you to send it as a love letter to your beloved...lol. Keep in touch.

 

[clutch1]

The love you felt towards him can be replaced by another.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Try cutting out every new line starting with a capital letter this helps it to flow much better.

 

[miss_trust]

Here is a little Drabble that I wrote a while ago. Please tell me what you think.
I wasn't sure where to post this.

I’ ll always remember your face and your cold eyes, those eyes will be with me
always in my heart. I’ll remember those nights we had together alone in bed and
in each others arms. those was the happiest times I ever had with you. It's been
so long since I felt the touch of your body, those strong arms wrapped around me
in a lovers embrace. our sweaty bodies gliding together. me telling you how much
I LOVE YOU! at that moment, and you holding me tight letting me know that you
felt the same way. These are my memories i have of you now . As I look at the
sky at night and think of the short time we had with each other. I miss you so
much. there will never be another for me. my heart will always be with you
forever. Did you know that I loved you with all my heart, I only wish I had the
chance again to tell you and show you just once more. But I’ll remember and with that
I’ll go on.....

and another take ..... (not that cutestguys isn't fantastic - just thought..... why not? hope you don't mind)

cold eyed memories to haunt and hold
alone with you on sheets glistening
happiness in those older times
love between skin and souls
night's deepest skies reflect arms held tight
missing something now my heart's not whole
pieces, parts of me gone with you but memories don't fade
what we gave, shared will always remain
and I will go on

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Where have you been??

 

[miss_trust]

i have this habit of disappearing, though no magician am i... i retract every so often, turtle-like

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Well stop it then turtles get far too many wrinkles from being crammed into that shell

 

[cutestguy]

and another take ..... (not that cutestguys isn't fantastic - just thought..... why not? hope you don't mind)

cold eyed memories to haunt and hold
alone with you on sheets glistening
happiness in those older times
love between skin and souls
night's deepest skies reflect arms held tight
missing something now my heart's not whole
pieces, parts of me gone with you but memories don't fade
what we gave, shared will always remain
and I will go on

Miss_trust - dont worry - im not fantastic anyway - im just another novice helping Maria. Thought she needed some help and with my limited ideas, i restructured it. Thanks for the tips.