Something I noticed that really bugs me

[SheDevilShay]

Just because I am choosing to change my life to the live the D/s lifestyle with BDSM as well doesn't mean we aren't solely belonging to each other...

I also married my dom.. I trust him not to do anything to hurt me.. and if he chose to go outside of our marriage... that would kill me inside... and I'd also expect him to respect ME enough to know that I would kill anyone who touched me but him...

this is not something I could submit on...

If he wanted someone else to "spank me"... I might be okay with that, but i'd have to discuss it with him for along time before agreeing to it....
but if he expected someone else to "touch me"... he'd lose my trust.

I hate the assumption that because your a sub, your communal property...

I self collared myself a year ago before even realizing what I was doing or what it meant...

He's the only person i've ever allow touch my neck or even give me a hug....

Just because he makes me want to submit to him, does not mean I feel like I should be submissive to anyone else.. and in fact, I feel the need to ignore them if they try and order me around.. it pisses me off.. and makes me feel angry.

I guess for me, I am a submissive to my husband, but I am not a doormat... I do not think he would chose to do something to me that would hurt me in this way.... because he would know I would lose all trust in him if he made that choice... and I trust him not to make the wrong choices....

 

[serijules]

Be careful in assuming that those that DON'T have issues with being shared and turn over the decision on whom and how they are shared or used to their dominants are "doormats". It's a "to each their own" thing in my opinion.

I am like this...who uses and touches and plays with me requires no consent or input on my part. That certainly doesn't mean any and everyone can do as they like...that is tightly in my owners' control and whim, but if she choose that for me, my consent and input is not needed.

I used to feel the way you do, so I understand. Submission and doormats have little to do with one another though, other than it's a surefire way to identify someone who likely has very little understanding or knowledge of submission if the automatic insult they come up with is "doormat".

 

[SheDevilShay]

Be careful in assuming that those that DON'T have issues with being shared and turn over the decision on whom and how they are shared or used to their dominants are "doormats". It's a "to each their own" thing in my opinion.

I am like this...who uses and touches and plays with me requires no consent or input on my part. That certainly doesn't mean any and everyone can do as they like...that is tightly in my owners' control and whim, but if she choose that for me, my consent and input is not needed.

I used to feel the way you do, so I understand. Submission and doormats have little to do with one another though, other than it's a surefire way to identify someone who likely has very little understanding or knowledge of submission if the automatic insult they come up with is "doormat".

Let me clarify, I have no issue's with people who share or who's dom's feel that its appropriate to do so... but I am also a wife and mother first and sharing my husband isn't something I could handle emotionally.. ever.

I feel that I am his property and its no one else's place to touch me, I would feel rejected if he wanted someone else to touch me, I would feel like I was not good enough for him, and that he should have enough love and respect for me to want to keep me all to himself sexually... as for the spanking aspect, thats a little different and that I could probably agree too and be willing to submit too, trusting that he wouldn't allow anyone else to push me past my limit or his limit.

(does that make sense?)

i've been in open relationships as a teenager and they just enver worked well for me, so I personally know that I could not handle it in my life long D/s relationship or marriage... Its hard to manage all these different aspects and makes it a much bigger challenge when your juggling every day life along with implenting something like this for the next 40+ years....

I love my husband. and he's always going to be my husband... but he's now also my dom, Master and daddy. but I still need him to be my husband as well.

 

[serijules]

I love my husband. and he's always going to be my husband... but he's now also my dom, Master and daddy. but I still need him to be my husband as well.

This is why mixing romantic feelings with my slavery doesn't work for Ma'am or I. She loves me, I love her, we care for one another deeply, but I could never be her wife or girlfriend because it would interfere with the level of submission I am able to give to her.

I find it interesting (I truly do, I'm not being sarcastic here) that you have an interest in slavery and kajiras yet in most of your posts you are pretty adamant of what you would and would not do. Usually slavery is associated with a level of commitment that doesn't include words or phrases like "I can't" or "I wouldn't" or "I won't". That is often what makes someone a slave rather than submissive, the lack of limits and clear choices within a relationship.

The reality of slavery is usually not nearly as romantic as the fantasy of it. A lot of people like the fantasy of it and incorporate it into their relationships as a roleplay. Not many truly embrace it as a lifestyle.

 

[Netzach]

This is why mixing romantic feelings with my slavery doesn't work for Ma'am or I. She loves me, I love her, we care for one another deeply, but I could never be her wife or girlfriend because it would interfere with the level of submission I am able to give to her.

I find it interesting (I truly do, I'm not being sarcastic here) that you have an interest in slavery and kajiras yet in most of your posts you are pretty adamant of what you would and would not do. Usually slavery is associated with a level of commitment that doesn't include words or phrases like "I can't" or "I wouldn't" or "I won't". That is often what makes someone a slave rather than submissive, the lack of limits and clear choices within a relationship.

The reality of slavery is usually not nearly as romantic as the fantasy of it. A lot of people like the fantasy of it and incorporate it into their relationships as a roleplay. Not many truly embrace it as a lifestyle.

Yeah.

When the going gets tough, it's "leave me alone this week, I have a project" that really tests it.

 

[SheDevilShay]

Yeah.

When the going gets tough, it's "leave me alone this week, I have a project" that really tests it.

I understand what you mean.. completely 100%...

which is why I am interesting in learning more on different theories, concepts and idea's.. taking what works for us, and applying it and letting the things that don't work go.

Submitting to my "Dom/husband" is fine with me... there are certain other things I need on top of that... rules, bounderies that are setup before we could begin this lifestyle and one of those was the clear understanding that I could not be shared sexually with another, and I am "lucky" he felt the same way... I would HATE him if he did that, butI wouldn't be able to make myself leave...

 

[Netzach]

I understand what you mean.. completely 100%...

which is why I am interesting in learning more on different theories, concepts and idea's.. taking what works for us, and applying it and letting the things that don't work go.

Submitting to my "Dom/husband" is fine with me... there are certain other things I need on top of that... rules, bounderies that are setup before we could begin this lifestyle and one of those was the clear understanding that I could not be shared sexually with another, and I am "lucky" he felt the same way... I would HATE him if he did that, butI wouldn't be able to make myself leave...

OK, so you know he won't.

When I'm pretty certain that the person I'm playing with knows me well enough to know what I can and can't possibly tolerate, I'm comfortable just laying it out there. Don't get the wrong idea, it took 8 years to even consider any of it. Part of it is luck, but part of it is synergy.

 

[SheDevilShay]

OK, so you know he won't.

When I'm pretty certain that the person I'm playing with knows me well enough to know what I can and can't possibly tolerate, I'm comfortable just laying it out there. Don't get the wrong idea, it took 8 years to even consider any of it. Part of it is luck, but part of it is synergy.

I agree... he knows me well enough not to push that issue, but were well matched, he feels the same way I do... so i am lucky.. if he didn't, I don't think this would work because I wouldn't be able to trust him as completely as I do...

 

[Bandit58]

My Dom is also my Husband, however our relationship began as D/s so the situation is a bit different to yours SheDevilShay.

I am not shared sexually with other Doms. However I have been caned once at a play party by another Dom but Master was there and I felt safe. The Dom was very experienced and I had a lovely time We have not repeated the experience, but maybe we will in the future.

I am bisexual and I am permitted to play with other women without Master there. I have a regular play partner who isn't into BDSM, and Master and I are exploring playing with another female in a MFF situation (again no BDSM but maybe there will be when we find another sub) - we have done so 3 times so far. I did have a twinge of jealousy the first time, mainly because of watching them kiss Strange, considering He did oral and fingering as well (He does not have intercourse with them, that is His choice). However that isn't a problem anymore and we have a lot of fun when we do play with others

I hate the assumption that because your a sub, your communal property...
Just because he makes me want to submit to him, does not mean I feel like I should be submissive to anyone else.. and in fact, I feel the need to ignore them if they try and order me around.. it pisses me off.. and makes me feel angry.

Any "Dom" who expects you to submit to them just because you are a sub, isn't worth your time. You aren't under any obligation to submit to anyone unless you want to. I'd just say "I may be submissive, but I'm not your submissive" and walk away

 

[His_pita]

I guess for me, I am a submissive to my husband, but I am not a doormat... I do not think he would chose to do something to me that would hurt me in this way.... because he would know I would lose all trust in him if he made that choice... and I trust him not to make the wrong choices....

I think it's very important to negotiate before you release your power and will to another person. That is why in the beginning of a D/s relationship I think having a contract of some sort is a good idea. One that you reevaluate every couple of months and tweak as needed.

We did that our first year because we didn't really know all we wanted or needed from each other. It also helped to work out all the bugs so that by the time I was permanently collared last June there wasn't the need for any sort of formal contract. We laid out what we expected from the other in our vows and that was that.

One of my hard limits was that I wouldn't be shared and he wouldn't make decisions to bring another person into our relationship without my consent. If he did, that would be breaking my limits and therefore my trust in him. I certainly would feel no obligation to obey at that point and we would have some big problems resolve.

 

[wicked woman]

Agree with both Netzach and his_pita. You sound more submissive than a slave if you require limits...and considering how strong you feel about this, make sure you negotiate with your husband. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be shared...but it needs to be communicated.

 

[SheDevilShay]

Agree with both Netzach and his_pita. You sound more submissive than a slave if you require limits...and considering how strong you feel about this, make sure you negotiate with your husband. Nothing wrong with not wanting to be shared...but it needs to be communicated.

He feels the same way I do and he read this thread and complimented me on expressing how I felt...

Outside of the D/s world, when we got married, I could handle spankings, I could handle meanness once in a while, but if he touched another woman or allowed someone else to touch me.. I was gone... and this was before we even realized we were acting in the D/s lifestyle....

I think when I freaked out 9 months ago, its because I realized what we were doing and I felt like I lost all control.. of myself... and I was scared and confused and it took me along time to get back to a place where I could trust myself to talk to him honestly and openly... but its made a huge difference and we are still on the same page as we were before.. I just had to refind myself and my inner strength again... I just panic'd...

 

[Etoile]

I am baffled by this thread. Monogamy is the primary relationship structure even in the BDSM community. Sure people talk about harems and having multiple partners and stuff, but there will never be a western society in which polyamory is the norm. I don't understand the need to defend one's choice of monogamy.

As others have mentioned, you are diving into a vast sea very quickly. The way you post kind of reminds me of Kailey, though we haven't seen her around for quite some time. I think you are doing the right thing by taking what applies to you and leaving the rest, but there's no need to do it ALL right now.