I don't know why, but everynight I stay up late. Wondering, pondering, an internal debate. Who am I and what do I want? My love is here, but that's not enough. She fills me and wants me to be with her, but I leave her night after night alone, in bed alone. All I have to do is go, leave, move right now, but I'm stuck here, how? How can I stay when she is so close? How can my heart not let her in? The pain that resides and stays by my side I thought I left. Long ago in a life that's past. These feelings, these hurts I thought I healed, only come back, they never yield. To be filled with joy is my only desire, yet it's in the bed waiting. Peace, solace, comfort, these I can have. If only my heart and my head would just let me free. The pain is faint but it still exists. I brought myself back from the brink of insanity and still feel its pull. It's a friend of mine that just won't leave. I beg, ask, and even plead. It's all I knew at one point. That is until you set me free. Free? That I should truly be, yet this nagging feeling still tugs at me. Do you hear my words? Do you know what I say? Of course not. I never told you. Yet I told you everything. You already know. But if I died tonight, what would you say? Did you every really know me? Did you know that my heart only wants to help? To save, to cure all the hurt. I see so many in so much pain. I've been there, I've heard the voices, I felt the madness. But I came back, to you. I love you my darling wife, but I don't know why I can not commit my WHOLE self to you. Maybe it's because I don't even know my whole self. I strive every night with these thoughts of mine, trying and thinking, "What must I find?" I can't give up my endless search, until my heart is warm and soft again. To be the little boy that grew up to fast and let him live his life. That's all I want. I want the innoncence, but that was stolen from me. Not by you, but by the world. Screw the world, it does not know love. Only the people in the world who receive from above. My self is to be alone, my being is to want. Want with you. Good night my love. I shall be with you soon.
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