Someone rate my first story? :) Please?

[mytasteislikecandy]

Hey...this is my first submission ever....would u please read, rate, and give feedback? Thanks...


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=72947

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Hi MTILC,

First of all, congrats on seeing your first story published here.

You asked for feeback, and here are a few of my impressions. Keep in mind my feedback is just my opinion: it's your responsibility as the author to do with it whatever you think makes the story better, and it's not personal.

In general, I didn't find the story-line very convincing. An inexperienced girl having her first time at a bar, with first drinks, just having had a disagreement with her fiance and being taken out for a b-day party with her best friends would never join a guy she just met at the dance-floor.

Your opening paragraphs:
"...DSL's."
What are DSL's?

"...Now, as for her body, there everyone agreed. Her figure was a bit thicker than all of her Barbie-ish friends....with a nice full ass and matching breasts. Instead of being the size 5 her friends all wanted to be, she was a voluptous size 12...but still firm and shapely..."

The use of figures and sizes to describe a person is something I don't like. There are many more and much more sexy ways to describe a full-figured person I'd say.
Furthermore, you may want to keep in mind that you are writing for an international audience here, and "we" --in Europe-- have a very different size system, so I am not really getting any images from sizes 5 and 12.

Careful proofreading may also avoid unintended laughter...
"...On the night of Aimee's birthday, she was still arguing with her boyfriend of 2 years. They hadn't had sex yet because of Aimee's strict Italian upbringing..."
Aimee's strict upbringing was not the first reason coming to mind for me when I read this.

"...Aimee found it to revealing,..."
That should be "too revealing"

You're also painting your characters in opening paragraphs, as one should. In your story, I was left with the question why a virgin girl that was brought up strictly would wear anything as revealing as you describe. But it's a detail that can be corrected, I'd say.

I'm normally greatly in favour of dialogue, but that conversation between Keith and Aimee in the opening section didn't really fit, I thought. Time-wise it borders on inconsistency. It might be an idea to describe this in the form of Aimee's thoughts?

"...Since Aimee had never drank before, her friends started ordering drinks for her..."
I think I know what you meant here, but to me it read oddly. Maybe add in something like her friends pushing her over the reluctance to drink?

You often refer to the African-American guys they meet in the bar as "brothers". I'm not American, so I may be wrong here, but my impression was that this term is mainly used by African-Americans to refer to fellow-African-Americans? In that case the term might be inappropriate?

On that dance-floor, you're letting a lot of things happen. The virgin girl who had always been opposed to her fince sexually approach her is now suddenly so impressed by a guy she just met, that she allows him to take her somewhere else at a birthday party her best friends organised for her. Especially the latter was something I didn't buy: I simply didn't see her do it.

Your character is changing further in that scene in his car. Girls brought up strictly don't just spread their legs, I think.

Over at Marc's house, things speed into sex without any reference to her possible doubts. She may have been too drunk to really object, but that's not made clear to me either, forcing me to stay withher initially described character, and that conflicts.

"...When he felt her lips and realized that she was completely bald, he lost it and slid down between her legs..."

This might be bit of a touchy detail, but I've often heard African-Americans have rather different opinions on "going down on a woman". I have no idea if that is general, but you may want to check this.

"...Marc groaned and grasped her hair in his hands, guiding her mouth further around his dick. He had already determined that Aimee was very inexperienced and hadn't expected her to do this..."
You already bought yourself some insurance here with that last line. If this is a first time for her, I would expect reluctance, insecurity. There are cute ways to paint that in dialogue, I'd say. The way it was written here, left me unconvinced.

"...When Aimee heard the dirty talk he was whispering she became a wildcat...
Another major shift in Aimee's character, I thought.

This story is also inter-racial. In my comments so far I have abstained from principally touching that subject, mainly to allow you a look into a mirror.
I think your story leans on presuming a few things that are commonly associated with the white woman & black guy theme. If you want to deal with that convincingly, you may want to try and give us a little more detail on why exactly this virgin girl was so overwhelmed by Marc that she could be persuaded into all this? Simply assuming this happens because he is black doesn't do it for me, not because Marc is black, but because I never read anything that would lead me to believe it was changing her mind so dramatically that it would make this story convincing for me as a reader. As a test, skip all references to skin colour, and reread again, asking yourself if the story makes sense to yourself then.

All in all, quite a few things to work on I'd say, especially with respect to story-line. I'm not too much into inter-racial stories, but that doesn't mean you could not write a hot piece of erotica based on that theme. But do keep in mind that your readers are critical and experienced readers, who want to be drawn into a story in a way that allows them to imagine what is happening to a character. I was left with mainly questions.
I hope I was able to point out a few things that may be of help to you.

I wish you good luck with your writing.

Paul

 

[the_bragis]

Hello mytasteislikecandy,

Yes, I happily read your story. No, I am sorry I can't rate it. Yes, here is my feedback.

This is a nice little story. I don't usually seek out interracial stories, so but I don't mind reading them occasionally. What can I add to Paul's excellent feedback? Not much actually.

You have some very nice descriptions:

amazed at how his large hand looked against her white skin.

This is nice, and you know what they say about men with big hands, don't you?

he was in front of her, both of her hands in his, pulling her down the corridor..

Good visualization.

And let me tell you, I thought the sex was hot!

I found a few sentences read slightly awkwardly for me, but there was nothing too drastic. Like this one: (Which I think should have been broken in to two.)

She wanted to wait for marriage and Keith, her blond boring boyfriend, had been fine with that up until the last month or so.

Blue eyed blond, yes. Boring and ordinary, yes. blond and boring? I don't know it just read oddly to me.

Ok, that aside, I guess two things stuck me when I had finished reading this.

One, would a girl who's holding on the her virginity until her wedding night, really go out and loose it to a complete stranger after just a few drinks? I don't think so. I think the story would have perhaps been more credible if you had included something about her wanting sex as much as her boyfriend, but holding back because of her strict father.

The other thing that struck me was, apart from the physical descriptions, there's really nothing about this couple having sex that makes it different from a 'regular' sex scene.

When writing an interracial story, like this one, you need to have the white male readers wishing they were black man and the female readers wanting a black man. You know what they say don't you? "Once you've had black, you ain't never going back!"

Reader who seek out this type of story enjoying reading about all the differences, not just the skin tone. You wrote this in third person, so it would have been easy for you to include his thoughs, "I'm gonna show this li'l white girl what good sex is all about!". And of course in the dialog.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex. (fem)

 

[sirhugs]

If you want me to vote, I will, but it will be a 3 or 4 . Ok, 4, its Christmas and this is your first story. I found it slow and wordy. not bad for a first effort though. You have enough potential to keep honing the craft. It did not stink.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Nice first attempt, but what can I say that hasn't already been said so well by Paul and Bragis. You've gotten some great feedback from them so I'll just let it go at that. Keep writing and take to mind the thoughts and suggestions you've recieved here and your writing will improve, I know mine has with the feedback I've gotten.

Wicked

My Stories

 

[gauchecritic]

Nothing to do with anything really but it struck me as a good line instesd of blond, boring boyfriend (nothing wrong with alliteration) how about the phrase;

"... Keith, whose hair was as blond as his lifestyle was bland"

or "... whose lifestyle was as bland (blond?) as his hairstyle"

No?

Gauche

 

[Mr. Allnite]

First, I wouldn't normally read an interracial story, so I had a hard time getting into it.

I stumbled a few times while reading. A few commas that were needed I think. You might want to have someone else read your stories before you post and tell you where they struggle in the reading. You'll get better with it (as are we all) with practice.

There seems to be a lot of contradicting factors here. She has all blond friends? A goody-goody strict Italian white girl is going to go for a black guy? I think you should treat the audience as smarter than that. If you have unbeleivable situations (and I'm not opposed to them), just give a little to explain why it might be possible. Knowing the reason that's floating around in the characters head can add to the eroticism. She just went for the first guy that looked at her and he happended to be black, or she always secretly lusted after black guys and she knew it would drive her strict Italian Dad up the wall?

He just grabs their drunk friend and walks out, tossing his cell number on the table? Seems to me like the group of girls that rented a limo for their timid girlfriend would be freaking out.

I think maybe it just rushed too quickly to the sex scene...and that is said with due respect to being long winded.

By the way, I loved the attributes of your main character. Very hot.

Have fun.

 

[mytasteislikecandy]

Thanks

Thanks very much...

You know, I guess those are some things I should've thought about. Hmm...well, next time I swear it'll be better!! I think I may have felt myself getting long winded so that is why I left out a lot of background info with Aimee and the situation she was brought up in. I guess I just wanted to get to the sex. Well, time to move on to the next one.....wish me luck!

Aimee.....

 

[mytasteislikecandy]

Re: A few comments

[


"...DSL's."
What are DSL's?

DSL's equal Dick Sucking Lips

And, trust me on this one, black men DO go down

The term brothers is something that I myself and other friends I have refer to african american men as....and since I mainly only date black men, its quite alright to call them that. At least I and the "brothas" I date think so

Hopefully, Paul, that cleared up some confusion with you. Thanks again for the feedback....

Aimee....

 

[sensational204]

Re: A few comments

The use of figures and sizes to describe a person is something I don't like. There are many more and much more sexy ways to describe a full-figured person I'd say.
Furthermore, you may want to keep in mind that you are writing for an international audience here, and "we" --in Europe-- have a very different size system, so I am not really getting any images from sizes 5 and 12.

You often refer to the African-American guys they meet in the bar as "brothers". I'm not American, so I may be wrong here, but my impression was that this term is mainly used by African-Americans to refer to fellow-African-Americans? In that case the term might be inappropriate?

This might be bit of a touchy detail, but I've often heard African-Americans have rather different opinions on "going down on a woman". I have no idea if that is general, but you may want to check this.

Paul

I thought Paul made some very good comments. I'd just like to follow up on a few of them.

I liked his point about numerical physical descriptions. I find that people over describe their characters sometimes. Leaving some things for the imagination of the reader can be nice. It leaves room for them to adapt the fantasy to their own tastes. And often times descriptions in words can work much better than strict stats and numbers.

Now being African American myself, I find no problem with the term "brother." I actually find the term to be endearing. But like all words, it has to fit into context. For someone who has never spent much time with black people before, the word might sound forced. But for someone who were comfortable with it, it would sound natural. So be aware of whether the word is being used by the character in dialogue, or by the author in description. It may convey different messages used in different contexts.

As for black men not going down.. that is a complete myth. I can confirm that myself. ;-)

I enjoyed your story very much MTILK. I look forward to other ones.

 

[gauchecritic]

... in arms

I always take the term "brother" to mean a specific 'type' of afro american, Rasta or gangsta etc. Maybe that's just a combination of being British and only having television as a reference.

Gauche

 

[PaulX35]

Re: Re: A few comments

Now being African American myself, I find no problem with the term "brother." I actually find the term to be endearing. But like all words, it has to fit into context. For someone who has never spent much time with black people before, the word might sound forced. But for someone who were comfortable with it, it would sound natural. So be aware of whether the word is being used by the character in dialogue, or by the author in description. It may convey different messages used in different contexts.

So, would it be allright if a white person would call an African American "brother"? Or would it require some friendship between these people before that would be acceptable? Just curious here; I don't meet many African American people in Holland.

As for black men not going down.. that is a complete myth. I can confirm that myself. ;-)

Glad to see another Ricky Lake Show prejudice go down the drain

Paul

 

[sensational204]

Yes, I think it would require some friendship. I'd find it strange if someone I hardly knew started calling me "brother." It's too informal for that. But it's not like I would freak out about it. I'd just think they were trying to hard to be down.

And I actually have a lot of gripes with inter-racial stories myself. Mainly that they tend to be very stereotypical. I love them when they're done well, but way too often they revolve around either just the cock-size or the tabbooness of it (not that those can't be dealt with in interesting ways). But I'd just like to see more stories where there is more to the relationship between the couple. And maybe some sort of seduction. I actually liked that part of Candy's story. The male character's use of seduction in the club was good to me.

The best inter-racial story I've read so far is one called "Crystal's Persuasion" by The Flying Pen. It's been circulating out on the web for quite a while now. I highly recommend it.