some random poem of mine

[zell19861986]

Myself

The door to my sanity lies open
The creatures run amok
My eyes gaze lifeless
I'm not myself
I'm crying in the night
Laughing in the day
Every breath hurts
My soul is dying
The pain is rising
My life escapes
I'm not myself

 

[Rybka]

Myself

The door to my sanity lies open
The creatures run amock
My eye's gaze lifeless
I'm not myself
I'm crying in the night
Laughing in the day
Every breath hurts
My soul is dying
The pain is rising
My life escapes
I'm not myself

Don't mean to be picky Zell, but "amock" should be "amuck" or "amok", both of which mean the same thing although the latter was the original. Oh yeah, eye's" should be "eyes". Otherwise your poem is very clear.

Regards, Rybka

PS: Did you write your signature lines? They are quite good.

edited to correct mispelling. My spell checker passes it as correct, but Iceingsugar is right, "amok" is the proper spelling and "amoke" does not appear in Webster's.

 

[Icingsugar]

Re: Re: some random poem of mine

Don't mean to be picky Zell, but "amock" should be "amuck" or "amoke", both of which mean the same thing although the latter was the original.

I've always preferred "amok". And my dictionary says that it's a valid spelling. Butthen again, I'm a bloody foreigner who doesn't know better.

Anyway, a solid effort, Zell. The repeating 'not myself' makes it really effective. I think you could had spun the metaphores from your first two lines a bit further too, they are the most powerful part of the poem IMO.

 

[zell19861986]

thank you... both of you. that poem was just something i threw together quickly. i actually don't like it that much. oh well.

 

[HomerPindar]

Are the elements you don't like identifiable? If so, do you feel you can change them? And if so, do you plan to edit?

A credo of a writer:
write write write write write sleep edit edit edit edit edit eat write write write write write sleep edit edit edit edit edit edit eat
repeat



HomerPindar

 

[zell19861986]

another random poem if mine

I have no one
No one has me
We are all alone

The darkness speaks to me
Tells me to let go
Tells me not to care

The knife is cold and swift
Reassures no one loves me
Assures the end is near

The tears glisten on my cheeks
Reminds me of all my past loves
Of all the loves I'll never know

 

[BooMerengue]

Zell? Darlin? I want you to meet someone... meet Jasper I have already told him of you... it could be a good thing...

 

[Senna Jawa]

Myself

[...]

Yeah, random does not mean lucky. Give us your best. (And treat "yourself" in the poems just like anything else, not as a big deal or else your poem will sound artistically hopeless, very poor--be concrete and perhaps frugal).

 

[zell19861986]

Re: Re: some random poem of mine

Yeah, random does not mean lucky. Give us your best. (And treat "yourself" in the poems just like anything else, not as a big deal or else your poem will sound artistically hopeless, very poor--be concrete and perhaps frugal).

sorry but huh? i'm just confused now. and yes i confuse easily

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: Re: some random poem of mine

sorry but huh?

Writing about "myself" is already a lesser choice. If you have to then write about "myself" like about anything else, like about a dog, a tree... Write externally, not internally: are you spending the whole time in your bed? ...sittting in dark? Did you turn your phone off? Is there a party next door while you are covering your head with a blanket? Is your mailbox covered by dust, your email box overflown with the old email? Try to cut down on "my" and "I", especially on "I am" or "I'm".

In general, poetry likes distance, detachment. Only then you give a chance to a reader to feel strongly for the subject of the poem. (On the other hand when you do all the emotional shouting yourself then your reader can only shrug her/his shoulders). And a touch of irony & self-irony would help too, but just a touch,--don't overdo it either because it would sound insincere.

Lines like:

        My soul is dying
        The pain is rising
        My life escapes
        I'm not myself

artistically are just garbage. If you stopped brushing your teeth then that's something about which readers can dwell on.

Regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

Re: Re: Re: some random poem of mine

sorry but huh?

Oh, and "frugal" means that you shouldn't provide ALL the glory details but only selected ones, only those which serve the artistic cause, the composition:

        placebo kills poetry

said Senna Jawa (wlod). Placebo includes not only irrelevant, redundant words but also unnecessary info. Be concrete, but too many concrete details are counter-productive and boring too. (This, however was not a problem in the given case, since there was no concrete material).

 

[Senna Jawa]

[...] that poem was just something i threw together quickly. i actually don't like it that much. oh well.

Next time act with and show some respect for this board.

 

[eagleyez]

Re: Re: Re: Re: some random poem of mine

Writing about "myself" is already a lesser choice. If you have to then write about "myself" like about anything else, like about a dog, a tree... Write externally, not internally: are you spending the whole time in your bed? ...sittting in dark? Did you turn your phone off? Is there a party next door while you are covering your head with a blanket? Is your mailbox covered by dust, your email box overflown with the old email? Try to cut down on "my" and "I", especially on "I am" or "I'm".

In general, poetry likes distance, detachment. Only then you give a chance to a reader to feel strongly for the subject of the poem. (On the other hand when you do all the emotional shouting yourself then your reader can only shrug her/his shoulders). And a touch of irony & self-irony would help too, but just a touch,--don't overdo it either because it would sound insincere.

Lines like:

        My soul is dying
        The pain is rising
        My life escapes
        I'm not myself

artistically are just garbage. If you stopped brushing your teeth then that's something about which readers can dwell on.

Regards,

well this reader dont need to dwell too deeply to see that you are a bitter sack of shit

vernacular

get it?

 

[eagleyez]

Myself

The door to my sanity lies open
The creatures run amok
My eyes gaze lifeless
I'm not myself
I'm crying in the night
Laughing in the day
Every breath hurts
My soul is dying
The pain is rising
My life escapes
I'm not myself

zell

write fearlessly

examine when you do

its your passion

and it is appreciated

regardless of what old fuckwad says

 

[Guest]

Next time act with and show some respect for this board.

The lack of respect comes from you, my friend.

 

[Angeline]

Next time act with and show some respect for this board.

Senna, you don't speak for the board, and you certainly don't speak for me. Your disregard, contempt, and unprovoked viciousness to virtually everyone here--myself included--are well known.

Zell my friend keep writing. Senna is a gifted poet--one of the best here, in my opinion, and he gives excellent advice in spite of his ugly personal slurs. If you can separate that wheat from the chaff of his nasty browbeating, you'll have beat him at his own game.

Keep in touch, Zell. My offer for critique and poetry talk stands.

 

[Rybka]

Poetical Advice

May I be allowed to point out, that until:

Next time act with and show some respect for this board.

Senna Jawa was giving useful advice, albeit in his traditionally gruff manner.

Zell, like many of us can learn from such advice. Although I personally like my coffee with a little sugar as well as filtered free of the grinds.

Regards, Rybka

 

[Senna Jawa]

Senna, you don't speak for the board, and you certainly don't speak for me.

I was not talking about your personal self-respect. When someone asks this board for advice, so that several participants of this board spend 15-30 minutes or more to help, and then the originator of the thread says that s/he didn't put any effort into the piece, didn't spent time on it and does not like it her/himself, then this kind of acting amounts to disrespect of the participants of the thread--potentially to every participant of the board, i.e. to the disrespect for this board.

 

[Senna Jawa]

If you can separate that wheat from the chaff of his nasty browbeating, you'll have beat him at his own game.

What game?! (The q. is purely rhetoric--there is no game in my case).

 

[Icingsugar]

I was not talking about your personal self-respect. When someone asks this board for advice, so that several participants of this board spend 15-30 minutes or more to help, and then the originator of the thread says that s/he didn't put any effort into the piece, didn't spent time on it and does not like it her/himself, then this kind of acting amounts to disrespect of the participants of the thread--potentially to every participant of the board, i.e. to the disrespect for this board.

Mind you, Zell never asked for any feedback. He just posted a poem. How can that be an act of disrespect to the rest of us? Are you asking for a mandatory "don't comment this" sticker, or what?

Also, I think that that kind of writing, the not-too-much-effort spur-of-the-moment poetry tells a hell of a lot about a poets voice and abilities. And as such, also deserves to be read and commented upon.

There was an excellent thread here a while ago that started with just that, a quick five minute poetry hack. It developed into yet another challenge thread where several five minute efforts were posted. It was a great excersize to shut down the brain and just type. I'll see if I can find it and blow some life back into it...

 

[Senna Jawa]

Mind you, Zell never asked for any feedback.

You are right! Somehow I was under a wrong impression. I am taking back my statement about the disrespect.

There was an excellent thread here a while ago that started with just that, a quick five minute poetry hack. It developed into yet another challenge thread where several five minute efforts were posted. It was a great excersize to shut down the brain and just type. I'll see if I can find it and blow some life back into it...

I read that thread and wasn't impressed but it was ok. On the other hand, true, several (well, just a few) of my poems were written way under 5m, rather under 1m, as fast as I could type, no thinking allowed, and all of them were good, I surprised myself each time. These were cruel exercises, brrrr!!! (I am afraid to advice them). I was cutting cupons off my experience. And many other of my poems were written fast, often under 5m, but they were prepared, I was thinking about them for a long time or some scenes were in me for years. It was just strictly the writing process itself which was fast (and intensive)! During 5m, when you know about poetry, a lot goes critically through your head and keeps you from making lesser, weak choices, decisions, artistic errors. It is still an exhausting process. You feel drained afterwards.

(BTW, to write fast you have to be, like a sportsman, in good writing shape, in the middle of your writing season).

 

[Angeline]

Poetry Monkeys

Not spur-of-the-moment, but applicable for me.

 

[Icingsugar]

(BTW, to write fast you have to be, like a sportsman, in good writing shape, in the middle of your writing season).

Which is why I'll go dig that thread up soon. To keep in shape, ya gotta practice.

 

[zell19861986]

I was not talking about your personal self-respect. When someone asks this board for advice, so that several participants of this board spend 15-30 minutes or more to help, and then the originator of the thread says that s/he didn't put any effort into the piece, didn't spent time on it and does not like it her/himself, then this kind of acting amounts to disrespect of the participants of the thread--potentially to every participant of the board, i.e. to the disrespect for this board.

as you yourself said the idea is there a while it just goes onto the paper quickly. but for the sake of respect i will start to tell people that i had the idea a while if i did. and i never like any of my writing but that is just because i have a crappy self worth image and i know it. but i never mean to disrespect any one else except for myself

 

[Senna Jawa]

as you yourself said the idea is there a while it just goes onto the paper quickly. but for the sake of respect i will start to tell people that i had the idea a while if i did. and i never like any of my writing but that is just because i have a crappy self worth image and i know it. but i never mean to disrespect any one else except for myself

I apologize to you for what I said about the disrespect (I was under a wrong impression that you first have asked for comments -- which you have not -- and then announced that your text was not important to you anyway; it was a misunderstanding, I was mistaken).

Regards,