Some quick help

[RuReal]

Hi All,

I was trying to figure out were to post my question and I am guessing here is the best place for it. I have a line in a story I am working on that my wife and I disagree on. I would appreciate some input on what you think of it and what may need to be changed. I will give you the paragraph and would appreciate any feedback on it.

(You feel metal encircle one wrist and then the other. My hands glide up your sides and cup your breasts. You try to move your arms and the reality of you being handcuffed hits. As you start attempting to speak the fingers of one of my hands invades your mouth and my teeth latch onto your earlobes. I whisper into your ear “I have been waiting for this I will take what I want this time.” You feel my hands run back down your body and cup your ass rubbing and lightly pinching. I raise your skirt and reach around front cupping your heated sex in my hand. You growl with lust and rock your ass back into me feeling my hardness. )

Thanks for any and all input including the bad stuff!

 

[oggbashan]

(You feel metal encircle one wrist and then the other. My hands glide up your sides and cup your breasts. You try to move your arms and the reality of you being handcuffed hits. As you start attempting to speak the fingers of one of my hands invades your mouth and my teeth latch onto your earlobes. I whisper into your ear “I have been waiting for this I will take what I want this time.” You feel my hands run back down your body and cup your ass rubbing and lightly pinching. I raise your skirt and reach around front cupping your heated sex in my hand. You growl with lust and rock your ass back into me feeling my hardness. )

I am not happy with the second person (you) viewpoint. It is one of the more difficult ones to write in. I think this passage would be better if written from the woman's point of view, with shorter punchier sentences and in past tense until the climax:

"I felt metal around one wrist and then the other. His (better to use the name) hands slid smoothly up my sides to cup my breasts. I tried to move my hands. The reality of being handcuffed hit me. I tried to speak. His fingers probed into my mouth. His teeth nibbled an earlobe. (You can't do both of them at once.) His hands ran down my body to cup my ass. He rubbed and pinched lightly. A hand lifted my skirt, held my heated sex. (twice is too much 'cupping') I growl as I feel the desire rise in me. I push my ass back against his hardness."

Others may think differently about my comments. You may want to change to present tense earlier, say at 'A hand lifted my skirt' or later when the action speeds up.

Og

 

[RuReal]

Thank you for the input so far, you are right everyone does have a different view, but that is why I asked. It gives me different options and different ways of thinking. The whole story is written, but I am more than willing to go through and make a lot of changes.

 

[lil_elvis]

Maybe it's just me, but as I read it, it felt as if she were naked, but then I find she has a skirt on. Might be better to describe how she's dressed first (but this my just be because the paragraph is lifted out of context.

Also, agree w/ Og on the second person POV. The "you (this)....you (that)" gets redundant (boring) fast. But again that's a matter of opinion.

 

[RuReal]

Maybe it's just me, but as I read it, it felt as if she were naked, but then I find she has a skirt on. Might be better to describe how she's dressed first (but this my just be because the paragraph is lifted out of context.

Also, agree w/ Og on the second person POV. The "you (this)....you (that)" gets redundant (boring) fast. But again that's a matter of opinion.

It is because it is four paragraphs in so what is going on is a little confusing when it comes to the state of dress.

I am trying to get away from describing the characters in the story too much. I am trying to make the reader fill in the names and how people look. That is also why I chose to write it in that perspective. I did find it challenge to write, but it was the idea that was in my head.

I want the reader to be able to place themselves or people they know into the story. It keeps us away from the double D breasts, and foot long cocks as well as the silly Barbie doll appearances that we do not find in the real world.

I am not sure how this story will be taken, but I am going to give it a try to stay away from it being boring. Because you are right a whole story of you you you, or I I I tends to stink.

 

[impressive]

Regardless of the POV you select, your sentence structure needs some variation. All but one of the sentences start with subject-verb ... sans modifiers.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Regardless of the POV you select, your sentence structure needs some variation. All but one of the sentences start with subject-verb ... sans modifiers.

Absolutely. The punchiness that OG suggested can be a good change, but any change or variation will help. You also have a habit of forgetting to add commas in your compound sentences. Grammatical error, but an error still.

Also, this line:

"As you start attempting to speak the fingers of one of my hands invades your mouth and my teeth latch onto your earlobes."

Needs work. "As you start attempting to..." is too many unneeded words. Perhaps simply saying "you attempt to speak, but..." or "Before you can speak..." (I know, not the best examples, but I'm winging it, and not tryign too hard at that. lol--Hell, it's your piece, you can do the trying). You get my point though.

You'll get a lot of responses about the second person, by the way. Pretty much everyone agrees here that it's more or less a less effective POV. Consider for a moment, a man reading the story. He's immediately alienated from the plotline simply because it's directed toward a female.

Some things to consider.

Q_C

 

[RuReal]

Thanks again all

I have taken all you have said into thought and I have decided to make some changes to what I am working on. I will be putting in names if someone wants they can use names that work for them.

I am also going to use the advice given here in my writing not too much change with that. Punctuation is always a work in progress.



I found everything very useful.

Real