Some kindly advice needed

[James1324]

Hi guys,

Bit of a longtime lurker here, looking to draw on the collective experience of the forum xD

So basically, I'm a 25-year old guy, just out of a long relationship. One of the main reasons it ended (though not the only one) was because me and my ex just weren't sexually compatible. In a nutshell, I was just far more into sex than she was.

I've engaged in some BDSM stuff in the past, limited enough really, and a lot of that online, but now that I'm single I want to begin really exploring my sexuality. There's a whole bunch of stuff, much of it BDSM (hence why I'm posting here) that I'm interested in trying.

The problem is, having been in relationships for most of my adult life, I'm not terribly sure how to go about entering this world, as it were. Any of the stuff I've done has come about mostly because I've just happened to meet someone with similar tastes, and has never lasted long (it was always more experimental for them). I don't really know where to meet people with similar interests, people interested in BDSM, open relationships, threesomes, that kind of thing.

Maybe I sound incredibly naive here, but I was hoping some of you guys could share some advice and stories about how you got into this way of life (is that the correct phrase?), how you meet other people with similar preferences, and so on.

 

[collector_guide]

Look for local munches and groups that have meet ups. The more public the more likely you have a supportive and "safe/sane/consensual" crowd.

One bit of good news as you get older: Female sex drive increases.

Don't discount the possibility of meetin someone in a vanilla setting who will be open to bdsm later when the relationship gets sexual.

On the flipside if you have someone already squarely into bdsm make sure you like them in a day to day, vanilla sense. Can you enjoy simple things like just seeing a movie? Do you both maintain friends and hobbies outside of the relationship to keep balance? Do you trust and rely on them outside of just as a sub? Long term: Could see yourself being so close as to have a combined budget or even a family.

One day at a time. You're 25, and got plenty of time to find her.

 

[Thegirl1987]

I agree with what was said before me.

I was in your shoes only a little bit ago, I think its important to decided if you want a relationship or just a sexual relationship first. While I was not looking for someone into BDSM, I found 'R' via okcupid. We went out on a few dates, and when things started to get sexual, 'R' informed me about his love for BDSM. Much to our enjoyment, I love it too.

For me, I was looking for a relationship in a vanilla setting. I think there are a lot of people who enjoy some form of BDSM, but takes a certain person for them to feel comfortable with it. I know before 'R', I had boyfriends who would try some of the stuff 'R' and I do now. And I would just completely shut them down in a second.

Take your time and have some fun. This place is great to meet others who enjoy every form of BDSM there is. Definitely don't rule out finding someone in a vanilla setting, because you never know what you will find.

 

[seela]

Lots of people find their partners online, so that's definitely an option if you don't feel like diving into the local scene for whatever reason.

It might mean you have to weed out a poser or two (or a hundred), but it's a way to get in contact with a lot of people. All people who don't do the local scene aren't poser weirdos who have something to hide and hatch crazy schemes to exploit you. Some people simply don't like to socialize whithin that crowd.

Definitely make sure you get along with the person on a "vanilla" level too, if you're looking for a long term relationship or something that could blossom into one. I've seen many a relationship crash and burn once the everyday life sets in.

 

[James1324]

Thanks for the advice, guys!

I think, at the minute, I'm more looking for a casual relationship with someone similarly open-minded -- having just gotten out of a pretty intense relationship, I'm not looking to reenter something like that. But finding someone that I get on with in other aspects, and who's just fun to hang around with, seems like sound advice.

As for local meets, there are a couple here (I'm based in Dublin) that I've decided to head along to. As for meeting people online, I have no real experience using these kind of sites, apart from Craigslist, and I can't say that has been a stunning success.. Are there any sites people have used and would recommend?

 

[seela]

As for local meets, there are a couple here (I'm based in Dublin) that I've decided to head along to. As for meeting people online, I have no real experience using these kind of sites, apart from Craigslist, and I can't say that has been a stunning success.. Are there any sites people have used and would recommend?

I just googled "bdsm ireland" and came up with this. On the front page there's info about munches and I see there's a message board there as well. That might be a place for you to start.

Fetlife is a good place to find events near you, and even people. It's not exactly a dating website, but you can get to know people there. Collarspace and OK Cupid have been recommended by some people, but I don't know much about those sites.

It might be worth checking out the UK resources as well. There's an active thread for UK kinksters here on Lit as well. I'm sure they'll be able to nudge you in the right direction if you're interested in the goings on of the UK.

I think it's always more difficult for guys to find someone, especially online. The scales are ridiculously unbalanced. That doesn't mean you can't try, though.

 

[James1324]

Thanks for that, seela, I'd come across that website before and intend to head along to something over the next few weeks. The main event here, Nimhneach (Irish word meaning 'painful' or 'sore'), is a fet event, with strict dress codes that wouldn't exactly be to my taste, but I figure fuck it, I'll head along anyway, might be a window into a new world!

Thanks for the advice guys, much appreciated

I think it's always more difficult for guys to find someone, especially online. The scales are ridiculously unbalanced. That doesn't mean you can't try, though.

So it seems, but never let it be said that I let poor odds stop me xD

 

[DVS]

Online sometimes works and sometimes finding an organized group in your area that you can join works, too. You'll just have to try all of your options. It can take some time though, so be patient. I've found that when you're a man finding a submissive woman can be difficult. You have to develop a trust with your partner and that takes time, too. I've got some strange kinks that seem to scare women away. If you find that to be the same, your search can become a pain. Don't give up, though.

If you're a sub, your search might be easier finding a domme, but some are just pissed off women looking for a man they can beat on and control. It isn't a sexual thing with them, it's more about hate. Spell out what you want and hope you find someone whose their desires fit with yours. It's a crap shoot, sometimes. Keep an open mind and good luck.

 

[DemureSub]

You could try looking for your local kink community, as well as www.fetlife.com which will help you find people close to you, you still have the ability to get to know them online and then take it to in person if you so choose.

 

[Sheilag1961]

Hi I'm a Dom woman and my man is a slave , is it ok for him to be a Dom to some other woman and how do I treat this ? Please help

 

[DVS]

Hi I'm a Dom woman and my man is a slave , is it ok for him to be a Dom to some other woman and how do I treat this ? Please help

Sure it is. And you can treat it in any way you both agree to. What I mean by that is, talk it over together and decide how you want everything to work. It's just like any other relationship.

Maybe you can dom him while he's doming someone else, or maybe he will dom someone else when you're not around. There are no set rules in something like this. You do it your way. That's part of the fun. The only rules are that everybody involved consents to what happens. We all share in the enjoyment of what we do and if someone involved isn't enjoying themselves, that's not OK. So, everybody should sit down, talk out what is going to happen and what isn't going to happen. Everybody then agrees and knows what to expect.

Personally, I wouldn't restrict anybody into doing something they don't want to. No forcing someone past their hard limits or even testing soft limits without first talking about it. It just makes for a bad relationship experience. The idea is to have fun. Honest and open discussions always work best.