Some Jokes

[Sioux City Male]

Ladies vs. Real Woman


Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still
cooking,drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up."

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's
too damn bad. Please recite with me, The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

****************************************************

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it
on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.
You might still have the headache, but who cares?

****************************************************

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake. You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

****************************************************

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

****************************************************

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery - they'll even decorate it for you.

****************************************

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust, so I just don't do it.

****************************************************

Ladies - If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Real Women - Go ask the very cute neighbor guy to do it.
****************************************************

And finally the most important tip!.....

Ladies - Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice
cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Real Women - Leftover wine??

 

[Sioux City Male]

Subject: the value of undies


Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under
your vehicle... especially in public. From the Sydney Morning
Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who
drove their car to K-Mart, only to have their car break down in
the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

 

[Sioux City Male]

How Things Work In Real Life

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.
Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey. After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been done around here. And that, my friends, is how a company policy begins.

 

[Sioux City Male]

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their
backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death!
>
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in
hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard
I had it and how easy they've got it!
But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so f*ckin' easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I
hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up
ourselves!
>
>And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a
letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the
street and put it in the f*ckin' mailbox and it would take like a week
to get there!
>
And there were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had
to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had
to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually
talk over some part of it and f*ck it all up!

You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download p*rn! You
had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the
7-11! It was either that or jack-off to
thelingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those were your options!
>
We didn't have fancy sh*t like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have
fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who
it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug
dealer,you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your
chances,mister!
>
>And we didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation videogames with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games
like"SpaceInvaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked a$$! Your
guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were
no
multiplelevels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could
never win,the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died!
Just likeLIFE!
>
>When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium
seating!All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of
you,you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then
that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had
to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
>
>And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning... ...D'ya hear what the f*ck I'm saying!?! We had to
wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!
>
>That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too
easy.
>You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys wouldn't last five minutes
back in 1984!

 

[Sioux City Male]

Subject: Southernness


This is to all those Ladies who should have been Southern Belles
and those who would be Southern Belles if they knew the rules. Someone
once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of
insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or
"Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the
head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a six lane highway." Or,
"Bless her heart, she's so buck-toothed, she could eat an apple through a
picket fence."

There are also the sneakier ones: "You know, it's amazing that even
though she had that baby 7 months after they were married, bless her
heart, it weighed 10 pounds." As long as the heart is sufficiently
blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about
her new transplanted Northern friend who was upset because her toddler is
just beginning to talk and he has a Southern accent.

My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this
woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. "Can you
believe it?" said her friend. "A child of mine is going to be
"taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss".

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North,
bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships and
their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past
their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And
the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native Southerners who have begun
to act almost embarrassed about their speech. We've already lost too
much.

I was raised to say "swa -nee," not swear, but you hardly ever hear any
one say that anymore, I swanee you don't. And I've caught myself
thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or
"right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.
I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've
got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light. She
also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless
their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is or what "I
reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help
being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness:
Take a dose of sausage gravy 'n' grits and call me in the morning, bless
your heart! And to those of yo! who are still having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're
fixin' to have classes on Southerness as a second language!

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them: Drinking straight out
of a can. Not sending thank you notes. No velvet after February. No
white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day.

* Southern girls appreciate their natural assets: Dewy skin. A winning smile.
That unforgettable, Southern drawl.
* Southern girls know their manners: "Yes, ma'am." "Yes, sir."
* Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions: "Y'all come
back!" "Well, bless your heart." "Drop
by when you can." "How's your mother?" "Love your hair." "Well, shut my
mouth."
* Southern girls don't sweat... they glisten.
* Southern girls know their summer weather report: Humidity Humidity Humidity
* Southern girls know their three R's!: Rich, Richer, Richest.
* Southern girls know their vacation spots: The Beach, The Beach, The Beach.
* Southern girls know the joys of June, July, and August: Summer tans, Wide
brimmed hats.
* Southern girls know everybody's first name: Honey, Darlin', Sugah.
* Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts: "Gone With the
Wind", "Fried Green Tomatoes", "Driving Miss Daisy", "Steel Magnolias".
* Southern girls know their country breakfasts: Red-eye gravy (or thick cream
white
gravy ) GRITS, Mouth-watering homemade biscuits.
* Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Adlanna
(Atlanta as outsiders
say,) Richmon, Charleston, S'vannah, Birminham, Nawlins'; OH! That city in
Alabama? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!
* Southern girls know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform. Men in
tuxedos. Rhett Butler, of course.
* Y'all know Southern girls are quick! on the drawl.
* Southern girls know their prime real estate: The Mall, The Beauty Salon.
* Southern girls know the three deadly sins: Bad hair, Bad manners, Bad blind
dates.
* Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fo'evah!

**G. R. I. T. S. = Girls Raised in The South!!!**

American by choice, Southern by the Grace of God!!!!

 

[Sioux City Male]

physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy,that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,in fact, up there?"

 

[Sioux City Male]

These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows
you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put
your thinking caps on.
Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE No cheating! No looking around! No
using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 18?? (The
average is 7)

Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER
completing all the questions.
>
>
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
digits?
29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

 

[Sioux City Male]

The answers

These little simple questions are harder than you think--it just shows
you how little we pay attention to the common place things of life. Put
your thinking caps on.
Mind teasers of COMMON KNOWLEDGE No cheating! No looking around! No
using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 18?? (The
average is 7)

Write down your answers and check answers (on the bottom) AFTER
completing all the questions.
>
>
1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)
6. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the
opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no
digits?
29. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?

1. Bottom
> 2. 50 (please tell me you got this one!)
> 3. Right
> 4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black,& gold
> 5. Q, Z
> 6. 1, 0
> 7. Right
> 8. 20
> 9. Red
> 10. 88
> 11. Counter (north of the equator)
> 12. Towards bottom right
> 13. 12 (no #1)
> 14. Left
> 15. Top
> 16. Clockwise as you look at it
> 17. Roosevelt
> 18. 8
> 19. Left
> 20. 5
> 21. 6
> 22. Bashful
> 23. 8
> 24. Did you notice there wasn't one?
> 25. Ace of spades
> 26. Left
> 27. ONE
> 28. *, #
> 29. 3
> 30. Counter

 

[Sioux City Male]

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS DAMNED HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question?

 

[Sioux City Male]

1) Americans and Canadians are not the only ones who get poor service from their ISP, cable and/or alarm companies. (NTL is a cable operator in Britain).
2) The Brits probably write the world's best letters of complaint.

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have
encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more
likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a
further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing
with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the
technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your
internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.
I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock
jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available
(and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone
and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to
attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

 

[Sioux City Male]

Let The Games Begin...

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.
A helpless man, wearing a green PACKER jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Minnesota Viking jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks' side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious, Packer from the water. Then using long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it, too, into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach..
" I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between Green Bay Packers & Vikings but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true".
As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that"?
"It was the Pope", one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom".
"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know nothing about shark fishing.
Is the bait holding up O.K., or do we need to get another one"?

 

[Sioux City Male]

Subject: Life and two cans of beer
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So, the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things ---your family, your health, your children, your job, your friends, your favorite passions--things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter.

Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

 

[Sioux City Male]

The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.


Question # 1: What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"


Question # 2: Do you love me?

The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes,dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, (sarcatic tone) boatloads!
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


Question # 3: Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect answers are: Question # 3: Do I look fat? a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question # 5:What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a racing car, a boat and an awesome Harley"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: uhhhh.....!

 

[Sioux City Male]

Two nuns on bicycles are riding through a back street in Rome.

The younger one says to the older one,
"I've never come this way before."

The older one replies, "It must be the cobblestones."

 

[Sioux City Male]

I was doing an on-line application...here's one of the questions..and my answer..I wonder why they never called?

The questions was :"What job would you like to try if given the opportunity".
I answered, " Demonstrating that winning a $200 million lottery does not change people for the worse"....

 

[Sioux City Male]

Zen-type thoughts for the day

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his or her shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our butts...then things get worse.

There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

[Sioux City Male]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named
after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a
commercial airplane?

 

[Sioux City Male]

!


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) >From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the
October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named
after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a
commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

 

[Sioux City Male]

Little known and much less cared about facts.

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the

engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.

On average people fear spiders more than death.

Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

Only one one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.

The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year

because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

A snail can sleep for three years.

No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."

Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!!

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

All polar bears are left handed.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.

Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

 

[Sioux City Male]

Ho Chi Mihn's RevengeDeath Shit and why I will never again fuck with a Vietnamese Cook

A couple weeks ago, a friend and I stepped into a local Vietnamese restaurant during a lull in the action and ordered lunch. He had the Lo Mein (OK, so they SAY they're a Chinese place, but the cook used to be ARVN, so it's a Viet joint), I had the Mongolian Beef. Now, I'll eat things so spicy that they'll kill any damnyankee who even dares look in their general direction. So it's no real suprise that, when asked by the cook how spicy I wanted my food, I casually leaned over the counter, gave him my best "Menacing Redneck Leer" and replied: "Hurt me.".

My colon still twinges to this day when I retell this story. It was the darkest moment in our relationship and it may never forgive me. I fully expect it to leave me for a Vegan someday. When our food came out, we paid and left. But not before I noticed the look on the cook's face. His mouth said: "You come back soon.", his expression said: "If you survive, fatboy!".

Yeah, it was hot, no denying that. It even forced beads of sweat to exude themselves from my brow and a gusher of snot to run from my nose, but nothing was particularily amiss, hell, my momma's chili was worse. So I quaffed down a few Dr. Peppers, smoked a butt and settled into my rack for the night. The next morn, I awoke, took my morning piss, donned my clothes and began my day.

It hit sometime around noon. There was what can only be described as a tortured, garbled scream from my gut that actually attracted the attention of my friend(a delightfully tasteless bastard in his own respect) who, without even waiting to see the panicked look on my face said: "Don't worry, man, I'll find you a shitter, just hold on.".

We whipped into the parking lot of a Hardware store and I waddled in, sphicterlock tight but fading fast, the holocaust in my tortured colon growing in intensity. The girl at the counter recoiled as I speared her with my fevered, bloodshot gaze and asked three prophetic words: "Where's yer shitter?". I was motioned down a narrow hall to my destination, my Waterloo, if you will, to where I was to do battle with the omnipotent, omnicient, universally-feared "Ho Chi Mihn's Revenge Death Shit".

My pants came down, my shirt went up, my cheeks hit the blissfully cool porcelain and my tortured sphincter lost it's will to fight the rear-guard action simultaniously.Basically, I shit lava. Red. Hot. Glowing. Sulfurous lava.Had I possessed hemorrhoids at the time, they certainly could not have survived this onslaut. There were no grogans to speak of, just one long stream of Vietnamese pain gushing from my brutalized starfish like a conveyor belt out of Hell itself. As my eyebrows arched up in complete suprize at the level of pain being generated in my nether regions, my hands shot out and my fingernails dug ten long furrows in the roughly finished plywood walls.

A scream eminated from the bathroom to frighten the customers and cause mothers to clap hands over their babe's ears."EEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH SHHIIIIIIIIITTTT I'M GONNA KILL THAT SLOPEHEADED MOTHERFUCKER!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

I made many more sounds before the rectal gusher subsided, but they were largely unintelligable. When it was over, as I lay there against the wall, sweating and panting like a cheap prison bitch after an all-night gangbang, and I made my vow: I will never, EVER again piss off a Vietnamese cook.

 

[Sioux City Male]

guys die in a car wreck, and they all go to Hell. When they arrive, the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says “It’s gotta be the booze, I’m always drunk “ The Devil decides to lock him in this room for 100 years with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol you could dream of. The guy’s thinking, “Yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.
The second guy says, “It’s the women I could never stay faithful to my wife.” The devil opens the second door and nothing but the finest-looking naked women that you have ever seen And, he would be the only guy in there for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it. He goes in and the Devil shuts the door.
The third man said “It’s gotta be the weed, I’m always tokin’ up” The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10-foot tall, icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death weed. The stoner can’t believe it.He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts the door behind him
One hundred years go by and the Devil comes back to check on the three men. He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke. “I’ll never drink again!”, he says. The devil tells him that at least he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out even faster than when he went in “I’m gay!” he screams. The devil decides that at least he learned not to cheat on his wife and gives him another chance as well.
The devil then comes to the third door, He opens it and nothing has changed.
The stoner is still sitting in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The devil asks him if he learned anything. The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek… “You got a light, Man.”

 

[Sioux City Male]

Fun while eating in a resturant?

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

 

[Sioux City Male]

When practical jokes go bad.

At a Christmas party in Melbourne last year, the staff decided to pull a joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else. When he went to the toilet they went through his wallet and found his Tats Lotto ticket. Then they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank.
She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the night's Lotto numbers. She then proceeded to read them out and left the numbers on the table. You can guess that he had picked the lot - including the supplementary!

The boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his wallet and compared them. He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, breathing rapidly, and looking totally blown away. After a couple of minutes he pulled out his wallet and Lotto ticket, and checked the numbers again very carefully. Then he downed his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to hell, because I've just won a fucking shit-load of money, and I'm leaving!"

 

[Sioux City Male]

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something..! When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

 

[Guest]

Bump

You gave me hours of entertainment at work today!

Thanks, sweetie!!!