Some frustrations...

[Elaya]

So I've recently started seeing someone..
Everything so far is great, only I think we might be opposites when it comes to the bedroom. I like things a little harder, faster, rougher, kinkier. I love the K words.. (as I just read on another thread..) and am most comfortable with Kunt and Cock. I like things like.. being told to take it/suck it ect.. I guess I also like to .. not be rough per say with hand jobs, but .. well.. I've never seen a guy so sensitive. It's like he's as delicate or sensitive as the petals on a rose. Which, well, that's not going to change. And that I can work around. I'm not wanting to hurt him. But its' hard to give him a good hand job when you can only whisper touch.

Also, he's not at all into dirty talk or any crudeness, he'd prefer to give clean innocent names to our "parts", which I find repressing. I guess overall he's a big romantic. Which is fabulous.. ... sometimes. Somewhat slow.. but still lovely... but I need, well want, things to be a bit on the rougher, kinkier and intense passionate side.

He as a person is much more important to me, and I"m not going to toss aside the relationship. So far disheartening as this is.. this too gentle / flower sex is not a deal breaker.. I'm just wondering...or afraid.. and trying to prevent never again having mind blowing sex rather than always good/nice sex, where I rarely come. I want to be pushed up against walls, bent over counters, ect.

He's open to being more assertive and exploring that, (and I don't mind taking the assertive role myself and trading off...) And It doesn't need to be that way all the time, I'm open to trading off. But he doesn't want to venture into the crude or the (playfully/welcomed) disrespectful (come here my beautiful slut and suck me) which I find to be such a huge turn on. I like being "punished" put that's a bit extreme for him. I hope this makes sense.

Anyway. Thoughts on this? Suggestions? I know I need to communicate more with him, but I'm trying to figure out what it is I even want to say. I know the problem, I'm looking for the solutions to approach with. (I've mentioned already I like things rougher/dirtier). What can we do that will meet both our needs?

Thanks!

 

[Que]

I know of a girl who had those same concerns about her husband...she felt the romance and the sweetness was enough..she entertained the dark side in her own mind and took things into her own hands when she needed a little kinkier play.

And that worked for her...she still loved his touch and being with him, and after a while she found that she ~might~ occasionally fake it, and take that arousal she had from their lovemaking and just build from there and again get herself off...

That seemed a nice balance and worked pretty well for a while....but these things have a way of growing and she was always looking for a little story or an image that would be a good nugget in the back of her mind if she was just you know, right on the edge and not QUITE able to get off, you know how that is right? You are so close and if only someone would pull your head back by a hank of hair as they THRUST their COCK home into your then, drenched CUNT like it aches for, you would be there...I mean all the buildup is there, you arent asking for gymnastics..just a well timed thrust or two and a couple of growled words...

Eventually, she found that it was a little easier to get there if some kinky person gave her a little scenario or a twist on her own ideas...she wasnt like trolling for cyber-sex or anything cheesy like that, she was kind of a nerdy gamer WOW was her game, in fact her hubby played too, even knew a lot of the players she was secretly not exactly flirting, but hearing little filthy things that resonated...she was pretty open with hubby, but he didn;t want details you know..so she just kept it to herself..

Eventually she was staying up pretty late..kind of glad when hubby went to sleep. She had NO problem at all with any sexual need he might have or express, but his needs were modest and easilly sated. He hated being a bother anyway so if she was up late and he headed to bed, they barely ran into eachother...

Some times she was so worked up even after getting herself off, she would wake him, he'd try to comply with her lusty greedy needs, but he just couldnt get the idea of more..more what he'd ask.

She convinced him to explore a little topping..he would spank her on command, maybe redden her ass a little and then apologise. not QUITE there, you know...

Eventually she had online friends who would suggest things, pics were exchanged tasks done, self abuse elevated to a VERY satisfying level..Finally she found the thing that was going to be her go-to outlet for the relief she craved.

For a while.

She never like spread her business around or ran down hubby, but she started picking up on innuendo, and wondering who in her world or 'reality' had a filthy a mind and as base desires as her world of warcraft buddies....

One guy seemed to hint at a darker side when his flirts were rougher..he Throw her over the Desk, and.........."

"And what she said, softly onetime betraying her hunger for submission, and her hubby in a moment that both knew was going somewhere...

so she had an affair, and that guy was much more compatible sexually, and devised delightfully kinky increasingly twisted tasks but there was no relationship foundation and they both had to sneak and she kept resenting her husband...

Well this whole dynamic continued to spiral, last I heard, they are still married, she has defiantly told him she will be continueing to meet guys on her business trips. She changed positions in her company specifically because at one point she realized that a co worker was going to be in the very city an online dom was in....

She is Drinking kind of hard some days...

She says she is better having found finally the right Dom for now, he has curtailed a lot of her other activity after her suicide attempt a while ago...

I am not being melodramatic here.

In my case I stayed married for two decades to a woman that threatened divorce every single time money was tight and I dared suggest that she was letting herself and the house go. I married her because she was an attractive coworker who was getting beat up by her boyfriend, I had helped her leave and felt I owed her a new life if I convinced her to leave the last. Why does any of that indicate we are compatable?

COmpatable doesnt mean, I have feelings that make me want to be with you.

Compatable means we will have fun talking about how we met on our 50th wedding anniversery.

Tonight I heard the story of a 22 year old with 3 kids..she got pregnant at 16 by a 25 year old. Now she has no car, barely pays rent from waitressing, husband is 32, has lost his job (hey that happens) doesnt really want to look for one....he hopes he can get rehired at good wages (wages good enough to put the pipe down and pass drug tests) he wants to work 3-5 years to get her to nursing school (her interupted dream) and knows that nurses make enough money that since they are used to living pretty cheap he probably wont have to hassle with going to work.

This from a gorgeous petite woman with no obvious esteem issues. She worries if she leaves what will he do where will he go...WTF?

So heres what I did with her, try it yourself...

i looked up chinese zodiac compatability calculators...I plugged their dates in..I found one result that was positive and one negative..I read them to her...

she admitted that the negative outcome one rang true, and the positive one sounded too rosy

Your situation doesnt suck, it is nothing like these three examples...neither did any of them when they started...in good times, its pretty easy to accentuate the positive..in dark time you gotta have something to hold onto.

Believe me when I tell you that life is too short to take you, the one you really do love (and I think you love this guy) your kids or potential kids through a social experiment of either smoothing the corners of the square peg, or chiseling corners into a really lovely round hole.

Life isnt about just sex...but make-up sex is the very salve that saves many many marriages when you need a little bonding to re-pave some damage. If sex IS the problem, where you gonna go?

 

[SweetErika]

Have you asked him what his ideas are for meeting your needs? Since you've just started seeing each other, it seems like laying your needs on the table would be the best idea. Who knows, HE may not want to be with someone who's so different from him in the sex department.

But if you two aren't compatible and you're not willing to find someone who is compatible with you, then I've got nothing for you. Maybe he just hasn't found his kinkier side yet, but that can take decades to achieve, and it may very well never happen, so that's not a wise bet for you.

So, I'd say you need to be totally honest with him about what you need and want, see what he can comfortably offer, then find someone more compatible if your needs don't match.

 

[RedguyTx]

One gentle entry might be to watch some porn together that's aimed at women. Like Andrew Blake.
I think he even has stuff that moves into domination scenes.
Start slow and see if your guy can be turned on by what you need.

If he can't or won't, there's a big part of your relationship you'll be unhappy with for a long time.

Life's too short.

 

[jakereeder22]

Babashaushdhdjd

 

[silverwhisper]

elaya, you've talked about this, and he understands what you want, right? if you haven't already, maybe you should demonstrate what he wants by giving him the kind of treatment you periodically would prefer.

i suspect an earlier relationship helped form his current demeanor in the bedroom.

ed