Some Constructive Criticism Please

[katiekums]

Hey There!
Anyone read "Afternoon Nap" or "Afternoon Nap CH. 2"?

Author: katiekums
Category: Non-Consent

I've gotten some feedback, but it's all positive.
I'm curious as to what people think I could do to make the story better.
Of course I do also enjoy beig told what a hot story it is...etc....
anyway.....
Here's Part 1:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=63594

and also....Part 2:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=64221

Thanks-
Katie

 

[katiekums]

Thanks for helping all...jeez.

 

[gauchecritic]

give us a chance to read it first

This isn't my type of story but I did read it and there were one or two small things that made me pause, that is, broke the flow of the piece.

Something I try to avaoid at all costs is starting lots of sentences with the personal pronoun, I realise its difficult when it's first person but it tends to become tedious.

Very short paragraphs in succession tend to give a feeling of quickening pace, unfortunately you use these randomly and often.

The main character seemed to 'give in' a might quickly, thereby giving the effect of knowledge of her attacker and it being a game.

"I was torturously conflicted, my mind awash with admonitions of guilt and shame, while my body rose to meet the hungry mouth of my attacker, responding to his touch.

Could it be that I was enjoying this?"

The last sentence spoils the very good and descriptive effect of the previous one.

"Rummage" in one sentence immediately followed by "rustling" in the next. Two opposed senses of onomatopeia describing the same thing.

As I understand it dialogue by one person without scene breaks should be in the same paragraph otherwise the sense of continuity is broken and it can often appear that another character has spoken, this can be quite confusing. Examples;

“I know you wouldn’t have it any other way, I’ve seen you before” he said, as the rustling continued.

I must have had a puzzled expression on my face, after all, the whole situation was puzzling to me.

“Your little baggy?” he asked as if a question, “The rubbers? The lube?”

is acceptable, whereas:

“Tell me slut. Tell me to fuck you”, he ordered.

“I want to hear you say it. Say it NOW. Tell me to fuck you hard” he said, in between mouthfuls of my tits.

is jarring.

And finally;

This is a purely personal thing but I can't honestly believe a woman can enjoy having her face cummed on after her own orgasm, during perhaps, previously in anticipation maybe, but afterwards?

Hope it helps,

Gauche

 

[katiekums]

Hey! Thanks a lot for taking the time to read the story or stories.
And thanks very much for actually posting a repsone with some valuable observations and suggestions.

Indeed, I should work on sentence and paragraph structure.
I usually just write from a stream of conciousness perspective without using any punctuation....ie....I use dots a lot......

So I suppose I should make an effort to get back to employing proper grammatical form.

I didn't think anyone cared or even noticed judging from most of the submissions I've read.

Also-the reality factor-
It's just a fantasy. There is no basis in reality whatsoever, nor is there intended to be.
As a matter of fact, I state that rather clealy in an author's note preceeding the submission.

Thanks,
Katie

 

[the_bragis]

Thanks for helping all...jeez.

katiekums,

Be patient, we all have lives outside Lit-land.

Keep in mind also that while this type of story will be enjoyed very much by some readers, it simply may not have the same wide appeal as other categories, therefore it will not get the same response.

And you are more likely to receive feedback if you have given it.

gauchecritic has give you some excellent advice; I don't believe I can added anything to it.

I love your name.

Have a great day,

Alex (female)

 

[katiekums]

Goodness!
I only discovered this message board yesterday!
Yes, I'd love to give feedback to author's on their stories, have done so already and plan on doing so in the future.

I was just curious as to why so many folks had viewed the message and chose not to respond.

I wasn't actually being impatient. It honestly appeared to me that no one was going to bother to respond.

As far as the content goes, I think it's pretty tame for this site.
There are no incestuous liasons, nor is there any violence as the author's statement offers a disclaimer that the story is a.) a personal fantasy, ie, invited, nad b) doesnot in any way shape or form condone sexual assault.

As for the hits?
Afternoon Nap is my most popular story ever, having gotten over 20, 000 views.
Ch. 1 and Ch. 2 have received high enough votes to have put my stories into the top's list.

Apparently, the erotic couplings category, to which I normally submit work, is not quite as sensational and attractive to many readers.