Some advice?

[Hisownprecious]

i have 3 children, ages 13, 14, and 16. my younger two kids are great. They are good, caring, occasionally annoying, but generally amazing kids.

my oldest is a different story entirely. He is at this moment on house arrest for mugging a kid last December. He says he had nothing to do with it. i just don't believe him anymore. He has used the line of, 'it was the kids i was with', too many times. He has been grounded, he goes out anyway. He has had things taken from him, there is nothing that he cares about enough for it to make a difference. i have tried counseling, mostly, he has refused to go. When he has gone nothing comes of it and it doesn't last. He was a good kid when he was younger. i don't know what happened.

Come to today...i went and did his laundry three days ago. Today he refused to go to school because he had nothing to wear. One of the conditions of his being out is that he go to class. He goes to court again for the mugging in a few weeks. When he goes, if he hasn't fulfilled the judges conditions set forth at the last hearing, he is going to boot camp for 6 months. If he does what he's supposed to do, he has it set up with his advocate that he will be going to a live in vocational program. Either way he will be gone.

One of the problems, and the most immediate, is that he is getting progressively worse in his behavior. He has had violent outbursts in the past. i have called the police time after time. i have asked that he be taken in for a 72 hour hold to evaluate him. They have not taken him, they have said that they need to see him act out. i understand why they can't take my word for it. If they did that anyone could say that anyone is a danger and have them committed. i have not slept nights in about 3 weeks. i have grabbed cat naps here and there. But i am afraid of what will happen if i sleep. When he's out i rest, but not well, and not for long.

i just don't know what to do anymore. i am at the point, now, where i can't wait to see him go. my own child, and i long for the day he leaves my house. my other kids have been suffering at with this, there is no peace in my house. There is no laughter when he is home. We used to be full of laughter and joy. Lately there is none. If he isn't here my other children and i are wary of him coming home. When we are out we are just as we used to be. Constantly cracking jokes and laughing, talking about anything and everything. When we get close to home, though, we quiet. Knowing that it's time to be still, i guess.

i don't know why i'm posting this. Maybe someone can tell me what i did wrong. Maybe to just get it out. i don't know. i'm sorry for bothering, if i have.

j.

 

[midwestyankee]

Your post is not a bother.

Others here have far more experience with difficult children than I so I won't presume to offer advice. You've described a sad and difficult situation and it sounds as if you have done what you could do. Even when they are young, children make their own choices and sometimes it seems as if they never heard us talk about how to be a civil person and that they did not pay attention to the example we set.

One of the most difficult things for a parent to do is to accept the fact that a child has made choices like your son made. But these were his choices. He does and will suffer direct consequences for them. Unfortunately, so has the rest of your family.

It almost sounds as if he is, on some level, setting himself up for being sent to the "boot camp." This might not be a bad thing in the long run.

No doubt this experience is draining you of most of your energy and optimism. I wish you well.

 

[me700]

My stepbrother is a lot like this.

Honestly, i think it mostly has to do with your son's upbringing, but thats not to say you are a bad parent. It's most likely his friends, social pressure, things of that matter.

In your post i noticed that you mention therapy and trying to get other people to help your son, but i think the first step you should take it to try (i mean REALLY try, not just a pep talk here and there) to get to know him and find out what is causing this behavior.

Once you do this, you'll have a more firm platform for the next step, whether it professional help or whatever else.

 

[Guest]

 

[Mysty61]

There is no way of knowing where or if you have gone wrong, and it does not seem productive to blameyourself. What is done is done, your son has made choices and appears to be willing to break rules as he pleases. He is obviously upsetting your house, and is anything but a productive member of your family. I have no experience in these kinds of things, but I am a mother of 2 teenagers, and know I would be devistated if either of them folloiwed the path your son is taking. I think it may be best for him to go to boot camp. From what I understand they take nothing from the kids sent there and do have a good success rate of getting the kids back on track. Do what is best for the remainder of your family, and hope there are others who can help your son rebuilt his life before it spins completely out of control. I am sure you did the best job you could raising him, it just did not work, we can not be successful at everything we do. Now, I think you have to move ahead with doing the best you can for the remainder of your family while letting others try to bring your son back to you. My heart goes out to you, and I hope one day your son will return to you as a responsible man.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Sad as it is, sometimes the tough love approach is the saving factor in many a child's life. It is not something you do easily, or over minor issues, nor something you do without letting them know both how it affects you, and that you still love them and will be there for them if and when they can get their act together but will not take this behaviour any longer. If he is put into a centre, it may be where he needs to be to find what is causing the behaviour, chemical or behavioural.

Sounds as if you have done all you can at this point, and once you reach that point of burnout, you are unable to help in a productive way on your own, it is just to much. Being close to the problem can make you his victim, and increase the pressures on him with little hope of improvement. As difficult as it is, and as much as you will feel guilt, try to concentrate on the positive aspects of him leaving, and the reality this is likely the best opportunity for him to find his way out of his own hell.

Catalina

 

[Ezzy]

I agree with the tough love idea.

We have 5 and have trouble with our second child, the tough love approach is the way we went, and I would recommend it for life (his and yours), he may hate you now but he should thank you in the end, if it helps get his life turned around.

The self destruct in ours was hard to get past becasue although he said he loved us and his brothers and sister, there was nothing esle in the world that he cared enough about to stop being an idiot.

He would go out of his way to cause trouble.

He swears it was not the attention he wanted, but to find out what it was we have not managed yet.

So I would be clear to the judge what he has and has not done in the last 6 months, and hope for his sake that the judge takes the boot camp option.

It sounds harsh; but if that doesn't straighten out his life, he was set to be a fuck up for the rest of his life anyway.

 

[BigM]

My heart goes out to you and your family. Our son, who is 9, at times seems headed down the same path of destruction. He's been diagnosed with ADHD as well as a related disorder, ODD (oppositional defiance disorder). Your son's symptons ring true with our son's behavior.

You probably have plenty of resources, but here's one about ADHD: http://www.chadd.org/webpage.cfm?cat_id=24. And a good book is "The Angry Child."

You've also probably heard plenty of advice from other caring parents and neighbors. A few things we've found that work: give him TONS of space when he's angry... go out of your way to compliment the positive things he does... and maintain a sense of humor and perspective (sounds odd, but it helps).

Best of luck.

 

[knight88]

TRY THIS

Please try to contact an organization called "Tough Love", they did help a couple of friends who had troubled teens. they may be listed in your phone directory, otherwise try online thru Google search.. My prayers are with you

 

[geishaGirl]

Dear Hisownprecious

Just a short and sweet (I hope) message for you.

You are being the best parent you can be. You have been the best parent you could be.

Though I know saying those things does not stop you from finding yourself at least partly responsible my heart goes out to you. I have only had a taste of being a parent and I am young so do not pretend to be wiser than my experience or my age - I am 25 years old and have recently started looking after my husband's son (a 2 year old) one day every fortnight. When I was about 15 I also looked after my younger brother and sister as my father had to work alot and my Mum was having a life of her own (I don't mean that negatively either, though I did resent it at the time). Just pointing out where my taste of parenting has come from so you know.

I hope that something changes for the better for you, your family and most importantly your son.

Best wishes, loving thoughts and prayers.