So what's a girl to do?

[Leashed]

Any advice would be appriciated. Here is the deal....I have been with my husband for about 10yrs. A few years ago the flood gates opened and we discussed all of our fantasies and desires. no holds barred. I came to find out that I am really, REALLY turned on by pain and humiliation. He indulged me for quite a while and I loved it. We never did quite find my limit. Now he doesn't want to do it at all. He is going through A LOT of stresses in his life right now and I am trying to be sympathetic. I am going through a lot of stress too. Getting my ass beat once and a while would probably give me some stress relief( I suspect it may help give him some relief also). The problem is now that I have had a "taste" of it, I am not satisfied without it. I mean the sex is amazing....the best I've had in my life. I didn't know it could get any better, until I discovered my submissive side. I have told him that i miss it and i want it. But nothing. He reluctantly agreed for me to find a dom elsewhere. But I don't want to. I want it from him. I don't know if I could trust someone else. In a perfect world this would be a part of our everyday life as much as possible(we have 2 kids), but I would be happy with what I could get.
So has anyone been through the same type of situation? What did you do? Did it get better?

 

[EttienneB]

I think your desire to stay with him is totally admirable and right-minded. You have a good marriage (a rarity) and want to keep him. His stresses are temporary; all stresses are. Stick by your man. You are not addicted in any way, you can handle the temporary lapse. And even though he has agreed to you finding a temporary replacement in the long run he'll be happy that you didn't.
That's probably not what you expected on Lit, but that's my opinion and I'm sticking to it. Under other circumstances I might suggest othedrwise, but I think you ought to hold on. How to get release and make it through in the meantime? I'm sure a huge panel of Lit experts will offer suggestions.
T

 

[FurryFury]

I agree with EttienneB. Great post!

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Hi Leashed

You say that you are both under stress but it is difficult to give considered advice without knowing what kind of stress you are under. Are these things that you expect to be resolved in the near future or is there no light yet at the end of the tunnel? Are you sure that your husband's loss of interest in kink stems directly from stress or could he be using it as an excuse to stop doing something that he was never entirely happy about in the first place? Your post reads as though you are generally more into kink than he is. Have you been really heavy on the kink to the point where he's felt bored with it or that his own needs come second to your desire for an ass paddling?

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth or misunderstand you, I would just like to understand your situation better.

 

[Leashed]

Money stresses and his dad passing away mainly. I would say that he is just as kinky as I am, maybe just not the same things now? It could very well be that he cares more about his desires, but I'd like to think not. He has always cared about needs being met before. I am sure I just need to be more paitent. I am just really needing some "release" and I really don't want to get it elsewhere. He is the love of my life.

 

[twysted73]

As they've all said so far, you're on the right path of thought.

See, when those of us who post often come upon a topic like this we send out our perceptive feelers and gague (by your wording, tone, mood and state of mind as well as how you portray your partner to be) whether the situation is worth saving.

For those questioners on the fence we feel them out and see if a few well placed questions might not shed further light on the subject and aid us in offering advice.
Your situation put me in his shoes because I identify with him.
I am as he is in those respects. I am very kinky and if in a relationship, I'd hope that the last thing my wife/girlfriend/fiance/submissive would do is find another.

I'm not judging you. (Never from me)
I'm simply helping you to understand his frame of mind. The loss of his father has him on his heels and very much out of sorts with a reality that he's had all his life.
He has you and I would say he's very fortunate as you seem very faithful and loving towards him.
He needs your strength now more then ever because I am almost certain he has hidden fear and stresses that perhaps you might leave him as well to seek out your needs that he cannot seem to bring himself to meet though in his pre-tragedy heart would have nornmally jumped all over.
I am normally the first to say "Enjoy yourself! Don't hold back desires that must be met!"

Be his pillar.
You have something very special.
If a priest can take a vow to abstain for a higher purpose, you might wish to consider doing the same.
Because once the dust has settled, his emotions have returned and he has regained his center, your actions from now until then have the potential to break ground on an intimate and bonding level very few couples in this lifetime will ever have the opportunity to know much less enjoy.
(the kind of bond I have sought since age 11 actually)
Stand by him.
Supress....and maintain for him. See this as your personal submissive's test for your Dominant as well as your husband.
(that line conjurs up the memory of Maggie Gyllenhal sitting in James Spader's study in The Secretary)

Save yourself for him as would a virgin bride on her wedding night.
Pleasure is temporary. Memories last a lifetime.
With patience, you can be rich in both.

You can do this.

 

[Tuomas]

First, let me third the advice to sticking with your man. Seriously, given the statistics, you are really lucky to have what you do have; keep it. Not only will you feel better, but he will also appreciate it very much. That he would agree to you looking around probably shows just how much he cares for you, and your happiness. It would then be fair to say that you should do the same

I don't mean to be mean, but you do come off as kind of bratty: "Me, me, me", but not once have you mentioned his interests in kink, or how your own interests fit in with his. As you said, his father died. A lot of guys have a special relationship with their father (like you with your mother) and he could feel a bit "weird" about unusual things right now. Also, people go through a reevaluation period when a close loved one dies. This can take several months to a year, and is perfectly normal. Add to that the stress of economic problems...

I would suggest you find out for sure what his likes are, and see how they fit in with what you like. Be patient. Show him how good and how much he would like doing the things you like...

 

[Leashed]

Good point on the me me me thing I guess I should explain in more detail. If it is in my power to satisfy his kink, I will do it, have done it and currently do it. I enjoy nothing more than making him feel good and seeing him turned on. I am and have always been a "try anything once" type of person. I am just going to have to ride all this through and help him through his stresses as much as possilbe

 

[twysted73]

Good point on the me me me thing I guess I should explain in more detail. If it is in my power to satisfy his kink, I will do it, have done it and currently do it. I enjoy nothing more than making him feel good and seeing him turned on. I am and have always been a "try anything once" type of person. I am just going to have to ride all this through and help him through his stresses as much as possilbe

Good girl.
I couldn't be happier for your decision.

 

[sweetness6280]

I have to agree with everyone here, but I can add a bit of personal experience. When my mother died, I lost all interest in anything remotely BDSM for a time. At that time, I was in a very active, monogamous D/s relationship. My partner/husband was patient with me, and waited until could let him know that I was ready. When I was, it was an amazing outlet for all of the emotions with which I had been dealing (or not dealing). Though we are not together, for other reasons, I will never forget the care and the sensitivity with which he treated me.

I admire your decision, and feel free to use us to vent when the frustration becomes unbearable.

 

[EttienneB]

Consensus

So popular opinion is "Stand by your man."

What a great name for a....nevermind. Bad joke.
T

 

[mynameiskate]

...

I understand where you're both coming from. Maybe just give him some time?? I don't know if I would recommend going to someone else, though.

 

[FurryFury]

Money stresses and his dad passing away mainly. I would say that he is just as kinky as I am, maybe just not the same things now? It could very well be that he cares more about his desires, but I'd like to think not. He has always cared about needs being met before. I am sure I just need to be more paitent. I am just really needing some "release" and I really don't want to get it elsewhere. He is the love of my life.

A parent dying is a HUGE thing. It shakes the whole foundation of your life for many. Be patient and supportive.

Money issues alone can be rough but the loss of a parent added into that is really a long term thing that one must learn to cope and live again with.

I lost my Dad nearly 20 years ago. At the same time, in a sense I also lost my Mom. She became severely depressed, trying to commit suicide over and over. Frankly she is still having problems.

The courage to grieve is not just a great book and a good coping program it's important to continue truly living.

 

[_kiana_]

It seems everyone is agreeing that you should certainly stay with him and try to be as patient as possible.

I'd like to come at it from a slightly different way.

I feel you need to do what you think would be best. (Obviously you aren't quite sure what that is, since you've come for advice.) Weigh the options and see where "the best" comes out.

Your husband does need you to be supportive for him right now. Your relationship sounds like a very good one. And what partners do is be there for each other when it's needed.

But you still have your desires. He "reluctantly" agreed for you to look elsewhere. So it sounds like he cares very much for you and wants you to be fulfilled even if it's not from him. But he may prefer it if you were to just hang on and wait it out for him.

So, after going through that, my perspective is just what everyone else has said. It looks, to me, that trying to just be more patient may be the best way to go.

But I've been in a similar situation and that's probably the advice most people would have given me as well. But the waiting got to be too long. My husband was going through a very hard time that I couldn't help him with. (Still is to a point.) It took a long time for him to come back to even being intimate with me. And through the introspection he has done, he's come up with he's not as dominant as I really need or as interested in bdsm as I am.

Before he came to that concrete decision, he had allowed me to look for play partners. (We had, some time before all of this, decided we were not monogamous completely. That's probably the biggest difference in our scenarios.) The person I found clicked with me so well it turned into a full relationship for a time. And it's ended up that I would have needed to look around now, a year after I had actually started, to find someone to be with. It would have been a year of feeling completely unfulfilled and feeling as if my needs weren't important enough for him. It would have had another year's worth of resentment built up inside that may have ruined our relationship.

My husband and I are still together, still strong, still here for each other. I still have that other partner as well in the ways we can be together right now. It turned out well for me to stand up and say, "I need more than this, now."

But your situation is your own. It's unique and none of us can really see the whole picture. Look at all the options, examine what is inside you, what may or may not happen with each choice you have. And hope the choice you make is the best one.

Good luck

~kiana

 

[SweetErika]

I agree. When my mother-in-law was sick and died, my husband lost interest in a lot of things. He wanted, NEEDED a lot of space, even from me, and pretty much turned inward. I gathered that our intimacy was just too hard for him to cope with most of the time because it brought on feelings and he was afraid of opening those floodgates and dealing with all of the feelings he had surrounding his mom's death.

What worked for us was me giving him space, making myself available, and letting him come to me when he was ready or wanted intimacy. He did, and while he still pulls back at times (though I do in times of stress, as well), the intimacy returned, stronger than ever.

You're right, BDSM can be a stress-reliever, but you also have to remember that it can take a lot of thought and energy and IS a very intimate activity when there's an emotional connection. When I'm stressed, sometimes I want it, and others I forget about it and revert back to what's easiest.

I suspect between grief and stress, your husband doesn't have the reserves to put energy into kink and/or the intimacy will be too much for him given his other emotions. Perhaps there's even a part of him that's afraid to open the door because his emotions might come out in ways he deems inappropriate, or he might lose control. I don't know if any of that's true, obviously, but I can definitely see where it might be for a lot of people.

So, I'd say give it time and maybe you both can find some activities that appeal to both of you, or ways to satisfy yourself. Maybe you could also use this as an opportunity to find different ways to serve him quietly, or it would help to view giving him time as service. I don't see a problem with going outside of the relationship to satisfy needs if it's done in an open and loving manner, BUT, as you said, he agreed to it reluctantly, so it doesn't sound like that's a good option at this point. Keep an open mind about it in case something changes in the future, though.

 

[madetotakeit]

There is good advice backed with good observations from those that have posted before me. There are many things that your husband is going through right now. As frustrating as that can be when you have needs that you would like to be met, keep in mind the big picture. You have what sounds like a very strong relationship with exceptional communication. The intimacy is strong as evidenced by your description of your sex life. You say he "reluctantly" agreed to allow you to find a Dom elsewhere. That word stands out. It sounds like he is trying to put your wishes before his. I would suggest giving him the same consideration. I would not go so far as to say you are concentrating on "me, me, me" unless you were demanding that your submissive needs be met. It sounds like you talked with him. A very big difference in my opinion. In the former situation you would be acting in a bratty manner, in the latter you are communicating your frustrations and letting your partner know what you are going through.

Keep in mind that the overwhelming feelings he is going through will lessen with time. How long that takes will depend on him and the support of those around him. Finding a Dom is something that takes time and energy, and once you have found one even more time will go into building the trust. If you choose to search for one, you are inevitably going to be taking time and attention away from your husband at a time when he needs it the most.In the end, you may find someone who can take care of the sub cravings, but will not really satisfy what you truly need. You have a husband you love, can talk with, and has the ability to be the Dom that you want. Why chance damaging that over the frustration of having to put on hold your submissive cravings? Adding a third person into the mix can be treacherous territory. In theory, your husband may say he could handle it, but if it were to happen it might be another story. The chances of you regretting it are high.

Good things are worth waiting for. It sounds like your husband is one of those things. Be there for him. Let him see that you understand he is going through difficult times and give him the space to work through it. When that time passes, he will see that you had the strength to give him the time he needs and be the support that was with him every step of the way. That can only make a relationship stronger.

Your choice to ride this through is the decision I think you will be happiest with. You will find many on here that will empathize with your frustrations. Post when you need to vent. It is always easier when you can talk with someone who knows what you are going through. Good luck.

 

[YourCaptor]

If he’s going through stress and you guys go pretty high with the pain factor, it might be a good idea to have him relax before you get into it. You want his full concentration that’s for sure.

You guys should try eliminating some things out of your daily routine, just sitting their relaxing is very important to over all well-being. You guys might want look up some relaxation techniques too.

On the other hand, you might be able to suck up to him and tell him it would help with your stress release.

Mostly though, I would suggest you give him some time with his fathers passing. To me it sounds like you have stress, he on the other hand is going through a crises period. In other words he is trying to figure out and come to terms with something he had not considered much before.

 

[Leashed]

Thanks guys, you have all given me great advice Some of you brought up things that I hadn't even concidered. It really helps to get more than one prespective

 

[FurryFury]

He might need some therapy. I've seen people get stuck in the grief process for decades and for the rest of their lives. It's important to be there for him and support him. After some time has passed, he might need some professional help as well.

Some people expect grieving to be over quickly. It doesn't happen like that on a time table. Everyone has their own different ways of dealing or trying to ignore it and it's not a predictable thing.

 

[SweetLissa]

i am sitting in your situation, only we are both grieveing ove the loss of a child. he is not a dominant although he DOES wish for me to be happy.

the only only thing i can say is grief is very hard to deal with.. and support is THE one thing you can never have enough of

 

[Adakgirl]

Any advice would be appriciated. Here is the deal....I have been with my husband for about 10yrs. A few years ago the flood gates opened and we discussed all of our fantasies and desires. no holds barred. I came to find out that I am really, REALLY turned on by pain and humiliation. He indulged me for quite a while and I loved it. We never did quite find my limit. Now he doesn't want to do it at all. He is going through A LOT of stresses in his life right now and I am trying to be sympathetic. I am going through a lot of stress too. Getting my ass beat once and a while would probably give me some stress relief( I suspect it may help give him some relief also). The problem is now that I have had a "taste" of it, I am not satisfied without it. I mean the sex is amazing....the best I've had in my life. I didn't know it could get any better, until I discovered my submissive side. I have told him that i miss it and i want it. But nothing. He reluctantly agreed for me to find a dom elsewhere. But I don't want to. I want it from him. I don't know if I could trust someone else. In a perfect world this would be a part of our everyday life as much as possible(we have 2 kids), but I would be happy with what I could get.
So has anyone been through the same type of situation? What did you do? Did it get better?

Ok... so your fantasies and desires were brought out and your needs were met by him "indulging" you. That sounds to me like he was not really into it from the start, but he was simply trying to keep you happy. Is it possible that he may have stopped wanting to do it, not because of his stress, but because he just does not enjoy it and never has? Might it even be that he has picked up on the fact that vanilla sex is not satisfying to you anymore and that scared him? You said you never really found your limit. It may be possible he knows you will take more and more and then want more and more and that kind of no boundary power over you scares him too? Could he be testing to see if you can be satisfied with just regular sex with him again?
Yes, could be stress, but I doubt stress would keep a man from doing what he likes and enjoys and wants to do, maybe for awhile, but not long.
What were HIS desires and fantasies? Can you indulge those for him? Are you only submissive in the bedroom? Do you need to show him your submission other than in just sexual ways? There are all kinds of things that could be going on with him that you have not yet considered.Think about the fact that Domination and submission runs much deeper than the sex, it's about both of you and getting both your needs met in and out of the bedroom.

 

[Jesmine]

There's one safe option, but im just suggesting ok, if your a bi, then u can try it with another woman, pretty harmless as far as the relationship with your husband is concern.

 

[MsErica]

For an experienced dominant, giving a good hard beating can be stress relief.

For a newcomer, it is probably more stressful than stress-relieving. There's a lot to learn, and performance anxiety. It takes a mental space that a new person may not have during a stressful time.

My take is that if you have any chance of converting him to the lifestyle, it must be done when the two of you are not under stress.

Good for you for sticking by him!

 

[subwannabe]

I definetly agree - don't seek an outside dom. It will only hurt your relationship, no matter if agrees with it or not. Besides, you will never find the trust issue with someone knew that you have with your husband. Maybe I missed it but I don't see where you said what your sex life is like now. You said it was great before and then got better when he indulged your submissive side and then merely said that he doesn't want to do it anymore. Does that mean that your sex life has returned to just being "great"? If so, I find it a little interesting since when most people get depressed over the kind of things you mentioned, usually the sex life takes a beating. So, if your sex life is back to the way it ways, which you called good or great, it makes me wonder if maybe something else is going on here. Maybe you should try another heart to heart, while explaining to him that you are NOT planning on going through with finding a Dom.

 

[ryanslavemaster]

never been to that situation before but if i were you i will talk to my him tell him that you really enjoy being a sub and you dont want to look for another dom.