So-so sex?

[hotforhim]

Is anyone here having so-so sex? I read a lot on these boards about people having intense g-spot orgasms for hours, squirting, people who can come from giving a blow job, men who can't get enough of giving a woman oral, people coming over and over in one night, etc.

Is anyone having regular, same-old same-old sex? Believe me, there is a lot I would like to do to improve my sex life and while it is OK now, it's nothing like the above examples. Anyone else out there?

 

[Jaybird3]

You probably won't get many replies to this one. The reason being is that the people who read and post here, for the most part, won't settle for just so-so sex anymore.

They read, they learn and they try new things.

At least that is my personal opinion of the people here.

 

[nosurprises]

Here is one reply from someone fitting your criteria...

Yes, I regularly engage in just the sort of so-so sex that you mention, and have been for going on 20 years now. My partner isn't much for experimentation or deviating from what she perceives to be normal and proper. While we've had our moments, few and far between, we seldom progress beyond standard Ozzie-and-Harriet sex. Sad but true.

No oral sex, little bondage, virtually no satisfying foreplay. Frequency, perhaps once every one to two weeks. But I love her nevertheless. It just becomes a little frustrating and depressing at times.

I hope that helps...

 

[Guest]

 

[TirelessTongue]

The main reason I'm here is to find and share other experiences with others. Vanilla sex is not good enough anymore. I want to try new things, fetishes, explore, and learn new things in order to make the most out of sex.

 

[Bobmi357]

This is a great place to explore and learn new things. BUT its a really bad place if you're coming here to learn and haven't talked with your partner yet.

Improving your love life first starts with improving the communications you have with your lover. Unless of course you're interested in throwing your relationship out the window.....

I firmly believe that 9 times out of 10, noobs that come here looking for answers could easily get them just by asking their partner.

What I fail to understand is why people seem to have so much problem talking to their partner. Sure you'll get the ones that believe nothings wrong, or the ones that just don't want to change. It happens, and they provide a damn good reason all by themselves for ending a relationship.

If you can't talk to your partner about things, why is it so much easier to ask a bunch of perfect (well, almost perfect) strangers?

No one here can speak for the desire of wishes of that silent partner. You say you want to spice up your love life, explore fetishes etc. Thats a great attitude, but what about the other person?

Vanilla sex is what you make of it. Remember that when you partner with someone, the both of you fall into habits/patterns that unless you deliberately try to break them, stay with you for a long long time. No one gets married saying "I'm so happy, I'm going to have vanilla sex for the next 25-50yrs!!!!'. It just happens, and because niether partner says anything about it, it becomes routine, then it becomes a habit.

A 20yr long habit is a hard thing to break, but you can break it. First I'd start by sitting the wife down in a quiet non-sexual situation and ask her what could YOU (not her, you!) do to improve your joint love life. That will get her thinking about it, and also thinking that maybe she could do some things also. Then you might also ask if she'd be against trying some new things. START SMALL!!!! If she agrees, this isn't the time or place to immediately bring up a fantasy that you want to watch her get gang raped by Hells Angels dressed in Nun outfits. Maybe introduce a toy or two into the lovemaking. Maybe try a little light bondage. Whatever you do, try to find out what she's willing to try, and what she's not willing to try. Put all the "Not" stuff into the "forget about it drawer" and work with what she's willing to try.

 

[Guest]

 

[CWatson]

And, just to add some more perspective, I'd settle for having any sort of sex. So remember: things could always be worse.

 

[Jaybird3]

Bobmi,

we are going to have to give you some kind of award for good advice.

Now if we could just get people to listen to you....

 

[CelticFrog]

BOBMI!!!

Yet again, you have incredible advice...

(but)

I would like to add to it, if I may...

I have used Lit How To threads to initiate conversations with my husband that ordinarily I would have been unable to. I come to Lit looking for answers (or to offer them) because many times I am afraid of being looked at like I'm naive, stupid, or just plain inexperienced, none of which are entirely true. When I start getting answers from all of you who in general are nonjudgemental and cordial, then I feel as though I have 'ammo' to start with and ideas to get the ball rolling.
I readily admit that I have self esteem issues and am working on them, but this is one way that I am doing that -- although I need Lit to help me communicate sexually with my husband, one of these days I will have enough gumption set in my mind because of Lit that I won't need to come here in order to learn how to start a conversation about sex with him.
I believe that this forum has made it easier for people to communicate with their SOs if only because they learn how through asking and talking about various issues in an environment that is entirely safe.

So while I agree with the fact that communication with a partner is ABSOLUTELY necessary, I think that coming here first for ideas is not a bad thing. Especially if those ideas deal with how to approach one's partner to have a sexual conversation.

It can be scary if you've never done it before.

Ang

 

[hotforhim]

Here is one reply from someone fitting your criteria...

Yes, I regularly engage in just the sort of so-so sex that you mention, and have been for going on 20 years now. My partner isn't much for experimentation or deviating from what she perceives to be normal and proper. While we've had our moments, few and far between, we seldom progress beyond standard Ozzie-and-Harriet sex. Sad but true.

No oral sex, little bondage, virtually no satisfying foreplay. Frequency, perhaps once every one to two weeks. But I love her nevertheless. It just becomes a little frustrating and depressing at times.

I hope that helps...

That IS frustrating. How hard have you tried to open her up to new things?

 

[hotforhim]

The main reason I'm here is to find and share other experiences with others. Vanilla sex is not good enough anymore. I want to try new things, fetishes, explore, and learn new things in order to make the most out of sex.

This is how I feel too. I guess I thought before that my sex life was OK or good enough, but as time goes on I realize I really want to experience new things. My partner is pretty willing, and I think he has the "potential" to open up, but at times he is so reserved even when I try to open him up. It's frustrating. I guess I need to be patient and place a high priority on improving things.

I have asked him what he would like, and I have told him about certain things I would like. I have tried to be clear without being too forceful. But I feel that I am not getting through, and I hate to resort to some sort of checklist that I bring to bed of things I want to do or improve. As CelticFrog said, sometimes you don't know how to approach it.

The other problem is that I think we are both less experienced that I thought we were. I feel that we need to focus on new and different ways to please each other. It's hard when you both lack that experience. I mean, we know the basics, but I think it is becoming clearer to me that there is a lot left to explore.

I have considered using Lit to spark some ideas and I think I will do that.

Thank you everyone for your great input!

H4H

 

[CelticFrog]

I have asked him what he would like, and I have told him about certain things I would like. I have tried to be clear without being too forceful. But I feel that I am not getting through, and I hate to resort to some sort of checklist that I bring to bed of things I want to do or improve. As CelticFrog said, sometimes you don't know how to approach it.

LOL!

When I realized at one point that I couldn't get myself to vocalize some of the things I wanted for fear of him thinking ill of me, I DID make a checklist. It's aptly titled, "Things I might like to try someday". Nothing in there says we have to try it, or that I DO want to try it, but it at least gives him a starting point when he starts to wonder what I've looked at with any interest.

One of these days, when we don't have a full living room on a Saturday, I am going to sit him down and start talking once we put the 'bug' to bed. I will not ask any questions until the very end, and I will start talking about things I have read about and have a curiosity towards. I will talk about things I have come up with after reading of other things. Things things things things.

But I will do the talking. At the end, I will ask him:
"Will you share any of your thoughts on what I have just said with me? Or is there anything you can tell me about what YOU want?"

Hopefully... *cross your fingers*
this will spark an entirely new sexual relationship.]
Ang

 

[crazybbwgirl]

One of the best things I have found about Lit. is that when I find something REALLY interesting - or a specific thing I'd like to try - I can email it to him - let him read it, think about it, digest it whatever. Then we can talk about it together later. That way you're not throwing it out at him and expecting a reaction right away. Or the list is a good idea. Maybe pick one item, elaborate on it a bit and put it in with his lunch someday? I'll bet he'll be thinking about it (and you!) all day long.

 

[SexyChele]

Well, I don't think that anytime I have sex with my partner is "so-so." Yes, there are times when foreplay doesn't go on for hours at a time - sometimes it's a few quick kisses and a little fondling. Sometimes there is a little oral, sometimes none at all. And sometimes it is just the missionary position until we both have an orgasm. And some nights we simply finish up, say good night, give a quick kiss, roll over, and fall asleep. "So-so?" Maybe to some folks. But during those times when we both want that, it works for us.

But then again, there are times when we will tease each other for hours, do lots of oral, try some bondage, give different positions a try, and maybe end it all with anal sex.

Not every time we are together ends up in some marathon sex session! Sometimes it's about exploring something new/different, sometimes it's about just getting off, and sometimes it's about snuggles and cuddles and showing each other our feelings.

So, yeah. There are those of us who are having "so-so" sex, post here at Lit (even stories!), and still consider ourselves to be happy with our partners. After all, it is so much easier, and fun, to describe getting off as we blow our partners! After all, no one really knows us here, right? Riiight! So we can be whatever, and do whatever, we want here.

Just something to keep in mind when you read about all those folks having 12 hour, non-stop, g-spot orgasms, where they are squirting so much they bed must be replaced, k?

 

[BTK51]

Be Patient

Very well put SexyChele. The main reason that I came here to Lit was that I was looking for new ideas to “spice” up the sex life. My last went off to college in September and this is the first time since nine months to-the-day after our wedding that it’s just the two of us. We want to rediscover each other in many ways, sexually being one of them. I actually want to date my wife all over again. There has been a whole lot more of the late-night “so-so” sex during the last 30 years than any chandelier swinging. But it has always worked for us too and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Personally, I disagree w/ Bobmi on not coming here first for ideas (though everything else that Bobmi said is 110% on the money). I came here first and I have found this to be a great source of information, ideas and affirmation of what we feel and experience. There have been excellent posts on the how to go about presenting/discussing something which you wouldn’t think we should have a problem with after 30 years.

What I’ve discovered is that it won’t happen over night. It took us over 30 years to get to the point we are at now and it won’t change all at once. Hell, our relationship has been evolving for a long time and some things do get entrenched and it’s hard to just set off in a different direction. Trust me though on this, it picks up momentum and it’s all about the journey, not the destination. Make sure you enjoy the trip.

Hotforhim, you are on the right track though. I would have described my wife the way that you describe your SO (i.e. “My partner is pretty willing, and I think he has the "potential" to open up, but at times he is so reserved even when I try to open him up”) and my expectation levels were way too high. Be patient.

I’ve been on Lit about 5 months and I’ve only gotten my wife to sit down (with me there) and lurk Lit once. But she does ask me about it more & more. I present her with threads as a starting point. While it hasn’t happened yet, I’m convinced that some day she’ll get her own ID and be on here too. After an intense lovemaking session more than once she has said to me “You keep on surfing those websites”. My point is that he sounds willing but may be relying on you to take the lead for now.

My wife is also reserved most times but I have gotten past the point of thinking this is frustrating. I look at it as a challenge while also realizing that there will be things I might want to try that just don’t excite her and probably never will. That’s fine because the reverse is true too.

It has helped us to see each other in a new light and we have truly learned several new things about each other and how to better please the other person. Some stuff we’ve tried has been great, some stuff a disaster and some stuff just “so-so” LOL. I have also gotten a greater appreciation for the old “so-so” sex, because sometimes, that exactly what each of us wants. And to be truthful, that’s what we still have most of the time. Why, because we like it!

 

[MagicFingers]

So-So would be SO good

And, just to add some more perspective, I'd settle for having any sort of sex. So remember: things could always be worse.

I agree. So-so is not so bad. Any is better than none.

You have to walk before you can run, then you can work up to pole vaulting, long jumps, and marathons later.

Hmm, another Cancer, and from Ca... No Cal or So Cal?

 

[Enodia]

so-so sex? yeah, sometimes. I've only been with my new boyfriend for 6 months. He's very "vanilla", and has only had 4 sexual partners before me (and he's 29).

I was with one person before him, and tried everything at least once. The problem was, I HAD to do something "different" throughout that entire relationship in order to have an orgasm, and generally had to self-stimulate as well.

With my boyfriend, it's fairly "ho-hum", as some may call it, but it's the only sex that nearly every time I start to cry from the sheer pleasure and emotions we BOTH feel. It sounds corny, I know...but it's true.

I only see him for one or two nights a week, so it's not frequent, but it's GOOD. We don't need to do anything "kinky", and foreplay lasts for a good 1/2 hour to 3 hours (depending on the day) because we just want to enjoy each other. He doesn't perform oral sex that often (I think he's worried he doesn't do it well, even though I always praise the few times he's done it), but is good with his fingers, and knows how to "get me going".

I'd like him to be more aggressive (sometimes I like it a little rough), but I can live with him not being aggressive in the bedroom (although, I DO know what buttons to press if I REALLY want a bit of aggression).

So-so sex is sex without emotion. I may have had more variety with my ex, but I have way better sex with my boyfriend.

 

[SexyChele]

So-so sex is sex without emotion. I may have had more variety with my ex, but I have way better sex with my boyfriend.

This is so beautifully stated! Thank you for sharing!