So... my (just about) 18 year old son says he's moving out on his birthday...

[SweetVA]

His birthday is on the 12th. I'm not exactly sure what I should be feeling. Apparently, he's been planning this for a while, maybe not an extremely LONG while, but a while. He chose tonite, while in the middle of a discussion in which he felt 'victimized', to inform me, so that I could feel guilty. SHOULD I feel guilty? Am I such a horrible parent that he'd prefer his step-father, the fairly non-existent parent until the last couple of years, to me?

VA

 

[rgraham666]

No, you shouldn't feel guilty.

From the description of the circumstances, he chose that moment strictly as a ploy in a power game. This makes me think he may not have been planning it for a while, but just said so for maximum effect.

Like all teenagers, he's looking for his own identity and power, and unsure of how to go about it.

I left home when I was seventeen myself. It was a mixed blessing.

 

[cantdog]

Rob is wise. It is not necessarily a condemnation of the boy. Things are done for power motivations all the time, and not just in government circles and middle management, either. He may actually be ready for more independence than he now perceives himself to have. You will be a better judge of that than anyone here.

 

[LadyJeanne]

Even if he has planned it, it doesn't necessarily mean he prefers his stepfather. At that age, he's pretty convinced that he's a MAN and MEN don't live with their mothers. Thing is, he's still a boy and needs the security of a home...so, stepfather it is.

It's not you. It's just him growing up and seeking independence in his own way.

 

[SweetVA]

Thanks, guys. It's so hard to not take it personally. I'm trying, though!

VA

 

[BigAndTall]

You don't seem nearly old enough to have an 18 year old son.

And here I thought you were in your late 20s!

 

[fairysong]

My friend's youngest brother turned 18 last year and had started to think about moving. Never mentioned his plans to his parents until a month ago. He graduates High School this weekend and plans to move out by the end of the month. I think his Mom is in shock.
I think it might be a similiar case with your son.

*hugs* and a

 

[Dar~]

I moved out on my 18th birthday which I still believe was a good thing but resulted in a year's worth of hard feelings from my mom. We were polar opposites and so It was better for us not to live together.

I had no prior planning.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Sweet, it's excellent timing. He's 18 and ready to stand on his own two feet. Celebrate, tell him that you're delighted that he's taking direction and responsibility for his life, and wish him all of the best. It's good for them to try their wings a bit, and I am sure it is really nothing to do with you personally - just your son being eager to make the next big step to the imagined glories and freedoms of adulthood.

You might also find it useful to formulate a long-term game plan for this transition, ideally with your ex's cooperation. I don't know what the young man's employment or education plans are, but now might be an ideal time for whoever he might be living with to gradually introduce him to some of the joys of adult life - like paying rent, contributing to household maintenance, buying groceries, etc. IMHO, it's usually a good idea to introduce freedoms and responsibilities hand-in-hand so that the young may learn to appreciate their intimate connection.

Shanglan

 

[Softouch911]

I agree with everything said here, especially that from Shang .... not only should you not take it personally, but you should do what you can to ease his path out the door and let him know you expect him to make it on his own now that he's made that choice.

Of course you may need to take him back in if it gets unbearable in the future, but he's old enough to know that his decisions are being treated like the decisions of an adult. (I'm assuming he is, in fact, an adult not only in age but in spirit.)

Of course his exit lines to you were ham-fisted, but then he is trying to do something brave and his focus is on his own ego rather than on the 18 years of love you have provided. That will come later when, some night, he calls and says "Mom, I need some advice ...."

It's the greatest feeling going when that happens. Just wait, it'll come.

Good luck. It's toughest on you, of course ... sort of like the birth.

 

[elsol]

He's eighteen...

Confusion, rebellion, anger and frustration are the most likely emotions he feels at any give point.

Especially today's young males with no 'rites of manhood'... it took three years in the infrantry for me to get over myself.

Actually, basic and AIT took care of that...

Just whether he wants to listen or not make sure he knows he has a home to come to.

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[moonlight elf]

His birthday is on the 12th. I'm not exactly sure what I should be feeling. Apparently, he's been planning this for a while, maybe not an extremely LONG while, but a while. He chose tonite, while in the middle of a discussion in which he felt 'victimized', to inform me, so that I could feel guilty. SHOULD I feel guilty? Am I such a horrible parent that he'd prefer his step-father, the fairly non-existent parent until the last couple of years, to me?

VA

Twin, I always seem to miss you.

You have got some good advice here so all I'll add is....
Be patient, he just needs space and time to spread his wings.

Big *hug*
Moonie