so my girlfriend is a sub...

[astringent]

And i am not a Dom.

Bit of background would be in order i suppose. I started seeing this girl a little while ago, and after about 2 weeks, we finally made that jump into bed. We were both naked, and starting to play around a bit when she said “I am very submissive in bed”. This kinda threw me for a loop, since knowing her personality and how she is out of bed, i wouldn't have picked that for a trait of hers. I wouldn't have picked her to be a Dom either, i really just wouldn't have put her on either side, kinda like i don't really see myself as being one or the other as well. I will admit it scared me a bit, and it was starting to show in my nether reaches, so i decided to slow everything down by moving away from her a bit, and starting a conversation about it. (yeah, not really a smooth move, but i was kinda panicked.) i asked how much of a sub we are talking here, like if we needed to create safe words, and i needed to go out and buy a whole new outfit of leather and latex. The answers to that were that NO will suffice fine as we safe word, and that my wardrobe is not all that much of an issue, well, beyond the general issues she has with the fact that mostly my wardrobe consists of blue jeans and black t shirts. (she does seem to like the black combat boots though, so i am really thinking she is a keeper.) I asked about rough sex, and that seemed to be something she likes, which is fine with me, although it does mean i might have to work on my cardio conditioning a bit, stupid smoking. She mentioned that she likes to watch porn, and act out parts, which again i have no issues with, i think i might have even scored a few points since i answered that i wanted to make porn with her, as soon as I can scrounge up a video cam. But to just give you the highlights, so this post isn't 4 screens long, she added that she like to be cum on, she liked to be taken as opposed to feeling like it is a consensual act, that she likes to feel used, and that she likes to please who she is with, and to feel dominated.

Okay, maybe that would seem like enough, but well, none of that is really in my nature. Don't get me wrong, i love sex, generally can't get enough of it, but, well, this really kinda feels like it would be a situation that requires way to much work and thought for sex. I am kinda more the spontaneous whatever happens happens kinda guy. I have no dog in the sub/dom fight, i just go with whatever is working. I am not averse to handcuffs, or blindfolds or anything like that, it's just that up until now, it really hasn't mattered who was wearing them. And maybe the best thing to do here would be to just kinda call the whole thing off and chalk it up to sexual incompatibility.

But that is really not an option, since i am really really in love with this girl, as is she with me. In a way, this is something we have both been waiting for for about 10 years, the situation was just never right, till now. And in a way I feel like this is the last hurdle. Which i don't want, so i guess my only choice at this point is to learn to be a bit more dominant in the relationship.

Um, so anyone got any suggestions? Any required reading, or websites i might want to get acquainted with? I realize that there is not any one thing that is going to make me a perfect dom overnight, and all of this will have to be tailored to her personal tastes, and mine. Well, more hers really, judging from the situation.

Anyone else with this kind of experience? I would love to hear about how that worked out.
Thanks for reading this, and thanks in advance for anyone who has anything of use. I will be checking this thread, well, probably as often as i can, so if you have any questions, please feel free to post them.

P.S. Is is wrong to insist she learn Portuguese, dye her hair blond, wear leather pants and top, and learn to belly dance like Shakira in an effort to please me?

 

[SweetDommes]

I really think that you need to talk to her about it more. The big thing with BDSM and D/s is trust - and if you aren't talking about it, trust is very hard to build. Does she know that you aren't really into this? Does she understand that you like kinky play but from both sides, and would like for her to cuff you to the bed once in awhile? Does she know that you view this as being a lot more work for you? These are all things that she needs to know (and this is just the beginning of the list).

As for where to look, what to read ... I don't read much of anything other than here, and most of what I've seen on here is from the point of view of your girlfriend - "I'm submissive, how do I get my boyfriend/husband to be more dominant" - so I don't know where exactly to direct you. Asking questions here will usually get you decent to good answers, but first talk to your girlfriend, think about what she says and how she responds to you, then talk to her some more, and then talk to her again, and then talk to her one more time ... if she does really love you, she will be willing to work with you on things, and should be willing to compromise at least a little, which may solve a lot of your problems (that is what we plan to do with our boy who has always been switch before).

Miss Karen
Miss Holly

 

[rosco rathbone]

Right on, young man. Being a dom is a lot of irritating hard work.

If I were you, I'd just tell her to do as she's told-- be shakira, blowing you or whatever--and see if she goes for it. If it turns into a big production with toybags, scenes, safe words, munches, latex garb, etc, then she's trying to domify you. Don't stand for it.

 

[rimmy]

Some guys have all the luck. Let me get this straight, you met a hot chick who wants you to dominate her in bed and feel used AND she likes porn and you have a problem with this. do me a favor, grow some balls and fuck her hard or pass her my way and I'll do it for you.

 

[SweetDommes]

Some guys have all the luck. Let me get this straight, you met a hot chick who wants you to dominate her in bed and feel used AND she likes porn and you have a problem with this. do me a favor, grow some balls and fuck her hard or pass her my way and I'll do it for you.

You know, being dominant isn't for everyone ... if it's for you, great, but don't berate those who aren't into it. You think he needs to grow some balls? Why don't you grow up?

 

[rimmy]

You know, being dominant isn't for everyone ... if it's for you, great, but don't berate those who aren't into it. You think he needs to grow some balls? Why don't you grow up?

I was just trying to prove a point that being dominant isn't about dressing up or other things, its just about a state of mind. The next time she walks in the door he should just grab her by the hair, throw her down on the floor and fuck her like she wants to be fucked. His gf has clearly stated that she likes rough sex and wants to be dominated. I was trying to push him in the right direction. As for growing up, I grow to 6 inches every day

 

[bluntforcemama]

This is only a question for a small section of your post, but exactly what sort of traits do people exhibit that would tell you they were either a submissive or a Dom/Domme without having bedded them?

 

[incubus'_sub]

I always feel a bit sad when I read the posts asking if it is possible to change sexual desires to fit the romantic relationship because I don't think it is.

No matter how much you love each other, nor how hard you try, neither of you will be able to change what turns you on. What this means is that most of your sex will end up being a compromise in some way, with one or both being dissatisfied in the long term. Dominance is not just rough sex, although that might suffice for a period of time, it's an attitude and it can't be faked or even learned for that matter. Your attempts to accommodate her desires will be appreciated I'm sure, but without the true dominance or any real desire on your part to do anything but try to please her, are probably going to fail.

The other side is that your own needs & desires may not be met, particularly if you like what I call "soft sex" and is usually known as making love. For subs, that just often doesn't do it for us, leading again to the compromise & ultimately unsatisfactory sex life.

Sorry to sound so negative, but my own 2 former marriages foundered eventually for this very reason. We are what we are, we can't change our desires just because we want to, although some of us are experts in living the straight, normal way for many years at a stretch out of love, respect and a need to "make it work".

This is one case where I don't even think that endless talking will solve anything. You can communicate forever, but any solution will still be a compromise which never entirely satifies anyone.

 

[SweetDommes]

I think that experiencing things may open up some different interests ... I would have said that I would never put clothespins on our boys, but after doing so, it's something that I enjoy, and I'm currently upset that ghosst is too far away for me to pin him to things (and yes, I know that this is a major oversimplification - but it is just one example ... if he never tries it, he will never know if he actually does like any of it).

I think that discussing things and getting a realistic view of what each person wants/needs in the relationship could make things work - that is not to say that it will for sure make things work, because there is no guarentee of that, but it will make things more likely. If they don't talk about things, then they aren't even trying ... and that would be a damn shame.

 

[TNRkitect2b]

I agree with SweetDommes.

Communication is key. If they both love each other, then they will be willing to talk through things and reach a compromise. It sounds to me like astringent is spooked more than anything else. After talking things through, I feel confident they will reach a compromise that will be satisfactory to them both.

 

[Netzach]

I still don't have enough info to tell if this relationship is doomed or not.

If she needs to be thrown on the floor and banged like a drum in order to get off every time, I'd say yes.

If she needs it frequently-but-not-always I'd say no. Sex has to be fulfilling for both people doing it for a relationship to work, even if one's only fulfilled being unfulfilled, the other has to like that trip.

 

[RJMasters]

It appears...

By what you posted, which is well written and has a fresh breath of honesty to it, I would say that she has defined her needs to "in bed" or sexually. She didn't really express the desire for a full time Dom, but one that will be dominate with her in bed. You should speak with her and be clear that thit is truely what she means.

Being a full time Dom and being dominated during sex are not the same thing.

If she confirms she is looking just for a dominant sexual partner, then learning to be a Dom may not be your best choice. Learning ways how to be more dominate in bed seems more acurate.

You have already taken the first step by expressing your desire to grow. I use the word grow not change. Don't assume you have to jump into the deep end from the get go. In some relationships, a person may desire that their partner take care of paying the bills and handling the money. This may be all she is stating, I want you to handle the sex and control the dynamics of it.

Nothing can force you to like something, you either do or you don't, but you need to try it before you can decide if you don't like it.

Within the scope of rough sex which you have stated is something you are both ok with, here a few simple suggestions you can try.

THE FIRM GRIP - During sex take one hand and wrap it firmly around her neck. The goal is not to choke or block her air as much as it is for her to feel the strength from your hand. Much like when two dogs fight and one wraps it's mouth around the other's throat, the one on the bottom becomes immediately still communicating submissiveness and respect to the top dog.

FACE SMASHING - When taking her from behind doggie style force her face down into the pillow(dont smother her lol). No matter how turned on she gets don't let her up. From time to time grap a fist full of hair and pull her up and and ask her how she likes your cock or a similar question. After she answers shover her head back down reinforcing your in control. If she uses her arms to push herself up, tie her hands behind her back taking them away from her.

CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF HER BODY PARTS - As mention in face smashing, if she uses her hands and arms to resist, tie them up and refuse to untie them even after sex until she agrees they are yours as long as she is in this bed. Next time you will but need to command her to place her arms behind her as they are now yours. In the same way systematically claim ownership of each part of her body when it is in the bed. This can take place over months and can be very exciting for both of you as you peice by peice take control over her body.

COCK STARING - With her hands and feet bound and placed in a knelt position on the bed, place her between your open legs and demand she just stare at your cock. Then ask her the klondike question lol, "What would you do for a ...." till she is dripping wet.

Though these suggestions are not painful, they can convey a message of dominace during sex. Perhaps this is all she is wanting.

Certainly talk with her and be as honest as you have with us. Then try a few things and see if you both like it or even have a desire to pursue it further. Just make sure both of your eyes are open going into this.

Good luck and post back so we know how things turn out.

 

[astringent]

thank you all for the responses, has given me much food for though. So far it is more than i have hoped for, especialy the conversations between yourselves. However, it is really late, and i need to be at work in far to few hours. I will post a more in depth response as soon as I am able.

Again, thank you.

 

[incubus'_sub]

You are very welcome. As you can see you will get many different viewpoints and suggestions, any one of which may suit your situation.

Communication is always important and it appears you do communicate your needs to each other quite well already. I also thought that the whole thing was to do with sex, but as I see BDSM as purely sexual too, that's where my opinion was formed.
I certainly didn't get the feeling that she wants you to start dominating her daily life.

I can almost guarantee that you will enjoy many aspects of the play itself, it's very exciting. Both of my exs were extremely turned on by it, but despite that fact neither found that acting the dom was really them. It remained something they did sometimes as a treat for me and both always felt somewhat bad about it the day after. For me, a true sexual sub, that lack of mindset always spoiled it somehow, the fact that I had to dom them to get them to dom me in bed if you get the drift.

There are others here who live in relationships with lovers they adore, but are not wired into the same levels of kink and there have often been threads about how do I coax, encourage, involve etc, my partner into what I need. Sadly, whilst it is easy to physically play the part occasionally and enjoy it, you can't manufacture the need to and eventually one of you will feel the pull of true satisfaction with someone else.

I am not trying to be harsh, just honest with the benefit of past experiences. From your post your girlfriend told you she is submissive in bed, not I like to be taken roughly sometimes, or sometimes I'd like to be tied up etc. It did sound to me as if she may be telling you she is a true sub.

 

[rosco rathbone]

Re: It appears...

By what you posted, which is well written and has a fresh breath of honesty to it, I would say that she has defined her needs to "in bed" or sexually. She didn't really express the desire for a full time Dom, but one that will be dominate with her in bed. You should speak with her and be clear that thit is truely what she means.

Being a full time Dom and being dominate during sex are not the same thing.

If she confirms she is looking just for a dominate sexual partner, then learning to be a Dom may not be your best choice. Learning ways how to be more dominate in bed seems more acurate.

You have already taken the first step by expressing your desire to grow. I use the word grow not change. Don't assume you have to jump into the deep end from the get go. In some relationships, a person may desire that their partner take care of paying the bills and handling the money. This may be all she is stating, I want you to handle the sex and control the dynamics of it.

Nothing can force you to like something, you either do or you don't, but you need to try it before you can decide if you don't like it.

Within the scope of rough sex which you have stated is something you are both ok with, here a few simple suggestions you can try.

THE FIRM GRIP - During sex take one hand and wrap it firmly around her neck. The goal is not to choke or block her air as much as it is for her to feel the strength from your hand. Much like when two dogs fight and one wraps it's mouth around the other's throat, the one on the bottom becomes immediately still communicating submissiveness and respect to the top dog.

FACE SMASHING - When taking her from behind doggie style force her face down into the pillow(dont smother her lol). No matter how turned on she gets don't let her up. From time to time grap a fist full of hair and pull her up and and ask her how she likes your cock or a similar question. After she answers shover her head back down reinforcing your in control. If she uses her arms to push herself up, tie her hands behind her back taking them away from her.

CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF HER BODY PARTS - As mention in face smashing, if she uses her hands and arms to resist, tie them up and refuse to untie them even after sex until she agrees they are yours as long as she is in this bed. Next time you will but need to command her to place her arms behind her as they are now yours. In the same way systematically claim ownership of each part of her body when it is in the bed. This can take place over months and can be very exciting for both of you as you peice by peice take control over her body.

COCK STARING - With her hands and feet bound and placed in a knelt position on the bed, place her between your open legs and demand she just stare at your cock. Then ask her the klondike question lol, "What would you do for a ...." till she is dripping wet.

Though these suggestions are not painful, they can convey a message of dominace during sex. Perhaps this is all she is wanting.

Certainly talk with her and be as honest as you have with us. Then try a few things and see if you both like it or even have a desire to pursue it further. Just make sure both of your eyes are open going into this.

Good luck and post back so we know how things turn out.

I was reading those and going, "right on! testify! can i get a witness?!?" And then I got to "cock staring" and lost my wood.

 

[WriterDom]

Re: It appears...

COCK STARING - With her hands and feet bound and placed in a knelt position on the bed, place her between your open legs and demand she just stare at your cock. Then ask her the klondike question lol, "What would you do for a ...." till she is dripping wet.

Though these suggestions are not painful, they can convey a message of dominace during sex. Perhaps this is all she is wanting.

Certainly talk with her and be as honest as you have with us. Then try a few things and see if you both like it or even have a desire to pursue it further. Just make sure both of your eyes are open going into this.

Good luck and post back so we know how things turn out.

Good post RJ.

Cock staring works better if

A. she is extremely oral

B. she hasn't had cock in a while

I'd tape her mouth at first and have her rest her nose against my nut sack so she could breath me in. Ask her questions she could shake her head to answer. And finally taking off the tape for her to beg.

 

[RJMasters]

Thanks

Thanks WD, hope the suggestions will be helpful to astringent. By the way good add. Just like your style.

Sorry Rosco for any let down heehee. The post was intended for another and their current situation. Glad you liked most of it though.